Archive of Our Own

It was a nice day outside. 

Kaylus loved being allowed to go out on warm days like these. The birds were singing distantly, the beautiful summer green leaves were ruffling, and the streets were merry and full of cheer. Brightly, the sun shone down on his face, and perhaps he should be happy that he was forced to wear sunscreen. 

In the middle of the town, lay a fountain surrounded by strikingly green hedges. It was the meeting spot that was drawing ever and ever closer… Which, Kaylus had to remind himself, wasn't a bad thing. 

Behind him, he was closely followed by two of his elders, the people who had set this whole meeting up to begin with. Once again, Kaylus needed to remind himself that they wanted what was best for him. He reminded himself that this was for the best of his future, his expectations, his life… it would all be better like this. Of course it would. 

Dread was settling in his gut the more he thought about the future. He inhaled sharply as he looked up and saw the fountain only a few buildings away. Absent-mindedly, Kaylus reached a hand into his short hair, practically shaved at the neck. He hated it, pulled a little at the strands as if that could make it grow faster. 

Kaylus looked at the sun and felt a little better. 

He reminded himself that this was an opportunity to socialize, make meaningful connections, but most of all, be free of the eyes that always watched him. He was outside of the home's borders now. Even if the circumstances were trying to restrict him, at least Enzo wasn't there to tell him off for every little thing he did. 

It would be fine. 

Kaylus caught the eyes of a girl, once they were a little closer to the fountain. Her face was lightly freckled and her hair was very light blonde, around the same color as Kaylus’ own hair. Her eyes stood out, strikingly dark compared to her skin. She looked pretty, Kaylus knew, and reminded himself. 

The girl smiled at him, and Kaylus was startled, but tried to smile back. Maybe he smiled too much. 

Two older people stood behind her, too. And when he got closer to them, they leaned down and whispered something into her ear. She nodded with a firmly polite smile and crossed her hands behind her back as her elders did, too. 

“Hi,” was the first thing he heard from her. She bounced a little on her feet, excited, and Kaylus felt the predetermined guilt of being a pure let-down turning in his stomach a little. He almost felt sick. 

He was half a head taller than her, which became clearer as they stood face to face, keeping two meters apart. 

“Good- uh-” Kaylus looked at the sun. “Afternoon.”

“As a little surprise,” the elders behind Kaylus interjected, and Kaylus turned to show his attention. “We’ll be buying both of you a treat for the summer.” 

Kaylus’ eyebrows raised. That was out of character. 

“Say,” Now her elders spoke. “What is your favorite ice cream flavor?” 

“Vanilla, thanks,” the girl said. 

The two looked at Kaylus, then. 

“Um… mango, probably…. Or lemon sorbet.” 

The four collective elders stepped away from them, and told the two to get to know each other while they went into the local ice cream shop. Kaylus and the girl sat down on a bench, right in front of the fountain with a view of the town. 

The splashing of the water behind them was like static, drowning out any thoughts or feelings he might’ve had in the moment. He didn’t say anything - he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, even after doing this more times than he remembered at this point. 

Maybe if he ran now, they would never find him. 

What?

“So, what’s your name?” 

Guess that’s not an option.  

“Kaylus.” He said. 

She looked at him as if she was expecting something more from him. Maybe he should say his surname? He always forgot it, though. It was far too hard to remember- and why would she need to hear it, anyway? Kaylus didn’t see any significance to that knowledge. 

For several moments, she just stared at him, and he stared back. He was supposed to, he was pretty sure, because keeping eye-contact was polite. A small furrow appeared between her eyebrows. 

“I’m- my name is Marie.” 

Marie , he repeated in his mind. ‘Marie’ as a name felt weird to say and repeat, not sitting right on his tongue, so he didn’t. He just gave her a nod and looked down the street. 

“Okay.” 

Marie let out a small breath and hummed, filling out the silence. 

“Um… When is your birthday?” 

“December thirty-first.”

“Oh! New years? Sounds like fun.” 

Kaylus shrugged. “Sometimes. I don’t like fireworks. Neither does my family.” 

“Uh, right.” She kicked her feet at a rock on the ground. “I just think they’re pretty, I suppose. But I understand that- I’m not a particular fan of the noise, either.” 

Kaylus still didn’t say anything. He knew he was supposed to keep talking and make a good impression, but his mind was just silent - a rare occurrence at the most awful time. But what was he supposed to say? Everything felt unnatural. Every word filled his mouth uncomfortably. His tongue felt too big, like it’d mess everything he could possibly say up. 

“My birthday is October twenty-first. When I go outside on my birthday, I see a lot of halloween decorations, but my elders say I shouldn’t look at that stuff too long. I don’t know what the big deal is, though.” 

“That’s because halloween is worship of hell.”

It somehow became quieter than normal, and it felt a little like Kaylus was doing something wrong, but as far as he knew, he was just responding with the truth, as a usual conversation would imply. 

“Right. I guess that makes sense.”

The sky was clear, Kaylus noticed, as he tried desperately to pretend to be distracted by a cloud or a bird in the sky. Of course, he found neither, and ended up looking around at the bushes, finding a small butterfly to be landing on the bright yellow flowers growing from the cracks in the pavement. Its wings made direct eye contact with him, and he looked away, finally settling on fidgeting with his hands and the white fabric of his short-sleeved button-up. 

It was quiet between them until they distantly saw their elders approaching them again. Relief washed over Kaylus. 

Both of them were handed a cone with white ice cream in it. Kaylus frowned and looked up at his elders. 

“Did they not have mango or lemon?” 

“They did, but isn’t this sweet? You're matching.” 

Kaylus looked at it. Then he looked at Marie, already enjoying her ice cream and asking her elders something. 

“Okay.” 

“We will be here, and you may go into the park. Be back in 2 hours.” 

Two hours? 

Kaylus had to fight himself back from fully deflating. He had to keep this up for two entire hours. Two hours of interrogation questions, awkward silence and guilt because Kaylus was already losing face. 

Marie kept her free hand behind her back while they walked, but as soon as Kaylus was out of sight from the group of elders, he let his own free hand fall to the side.

Marie was wearing a summer dress, reaching her ankles. It was bright blue with patterns of hand-stitched daisies on it. Kaylus wondered if she had sown them in herself, or if maybe it was a gift. He didn’t ask, though. 

Once again, his eyes found themselves stuck on the ice cream he held in his hand like a trophy or a scepter. Vanilla was a nice flavor, but Kaylus couldn't help but feel like it was missing something. 

“You would rather have had mango, wouldn't you?” 

Kaylus shrugged. “I like vanilla too.”

“But they asked you and still got you something else.” 

Kaylus shook his head. “Neither of us are in authority to question them. I'm sure they had a good reason.” 

Marie shrugged, again, then focused her attention on a lake nearby. 

This park was very up-kept and lavish. Every flower and leaf looked as if it was deliberately picked just for this place. The two of them walked through white arches wrapped in thorny yellow roses as the slightly graveled path cracked beneath their shoes. Kaylus admired everything he saw - he couldn't even dream of these kinds of visuals back home. It was like a scene out of a romance movie. It almost seemed artificial. 

The silence was dragging for too long, though, and Kaylus knew it. If he was gonna do this for two hours, he needed to pull out the big guns here. 

He took a deep breath in anticipation of breaking the silence. 

“... What's your favorite color?”

Marie turned to him, eyes a little wide, like the question had caught her off guard. But then she smiled again. 

“Oh, my favorite color? Actually, it's this one on my dress!” she patted the skirt. “I- uh- picked out the fabric myself, you see, because I sewed it myself!” 

“You did?” 

Kaylus would never have been able to tell if she didn’t say. Well- the flowers looked hand-sewn, as he'd thought, but the rest of it was immaculately and seamlessly done. 

“Yep! These are my favorite flowers; daisies.” 

 “That's… impressive. I wouldn't be able to do that. Do you sew often?”

“All the time. Do you?” 

I used to, Kaylus thought. Only the girls and women did that back home, so he wasn't allowed to anymore. Sometimes he missed it - being able to make exactly what you wanted to wear was much more fun than being given yet another bland T-shirt. Although he was never really good at it. 

“... No. No… I'd like to, though…” 

“If we're ever allowed, I could probably teach you how.” 

Kaylus shook his head. 

“I'm not allowed to.” 

“Oh… okay.” She let the silence linger before turning to him again. “Uh- then, what's your favorite color?” 

The question completely pulled Kaylus’ mind out of his body as he realized he had absolutely no clue. Completely and utterly blank, like a black hole had suddenly sucked out his brain, Kaylus let out a contemplative and very long, “Uhhh…”

Kaylus took a bite out of his painfully vanilla ice cream. 

“....I don’t know.” 

“You don't have one?”

“I guess I haven't thought about it much…” 

Kaylus looked around at the flowers, trying to find one that would catch his attention. 

There was a patch of bright red and orange poppies a little further up the path, but Kaylus thought those colors were just a bit too harsh. Blue and lavender forget-me-nots and alliums were growing in a bush that they were just passing by, and Kaylus definitely liked blue a lot, but he wasn't sure if he'd call it his favorite… then of course there was the green grass and leaves, but that color was far too… green , and common. He didn’t like it. 

A mixture of bright and pale pink roses was on the other side of Marie. Pink was a nice color - he preferred pale pink, although both of them were quite beautiful… But he couldn't say that was his favorite. 

Then his eyes found the yellow roses again. And then the pistils of the daisies on Marie's dress. 

“Um… Maybe yellow. Yes, I like yellow,” he said. “That yellow, particularly.” Kaylus pointed at the roses over them. “Pale, maybe a little dull. I think It's nice.” 

“I think so, too. Stands out.” 

“Mhm.”

The silence was a little more endurable now, but maybe it was the sounds of the birds, the light wind, or the warmth on his face, distracting the tension. Despite the pleasantness, Kaylus still felt out of place. Maybe it was the fact that he never got outside and the loveliness was all but familiar, or that Kaylus had lost hope several dates ago. 

“Here, come with me,” Marie smiled, about to reach out a hand, but then retracted it after second thought. Kaylus just ignored it, nodded and followed her close behind as she led him toward the lake. 

There was a big bridge with a pristine gazebo in the middle, a hexagonally shaped bench below its geometrically matching roof.

“I always go into this park when I'm allowed an outside day. This is my favorite spot.” 

Kaylus didn’t respond. 

Again, he had never fully been outside like this before - only in other ‘meetings ’, but usually even then, they were more contained. He grew up in the farmhouse and lived there. From his knowledge, you had to be extremely careful when outside to not get brainwashed by strangers. But Marie was allowed outside before? She must be brave, and her family must trust her a lot. 

Marie sat down on the bench, with a perfect view out to the lake, only a little obstructed by the fencing. Kaylus followed her, and he bit into the waffle cone with a crisp crunch. 

“Don't you think it's pretty?” 

Kaylus looked out, and it was certainly a lake. The flowers and the trees were really what made it pretty, but he supposed maybe she was just talking about the view. 

“It is.” 

Kaylus tried to eat his ice cream quicker to get it over with and to fill his own silence. 

A small deflating sigh came from Marie. It continued. 

This is for the best… Kaylus reminded himself again. Despite how nice Marie was, especially compared to a few others he had met, it was like his collar was choking him whenever he looked anywhere near her. Marie was very kind, and very interesting. Kaylus could imagine speaking to her for a long time really, but he also knew what he was supposed to feel for one of these girls and he just could never seem to grasp it. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t really know what it was he was supposed to feel. Maybe he had found the right person and didn’t know. Either way, he was stuck pretending, but he just wished that someone would come along and make it easy… 

Like a burning sensation on his skin, Kaylus could tell Marie's eyes were on him. He didn’t want to look. 

“Um… can I ask you something?” 

Kaylus didn’t look at her, but nodded, pretending to be busy observing the cluster of bugs flying above the lake and its lily pads. 

“It- I don't know, it might be a bit too personal?”

His shoulders tensed. “It's fine.” 

“Okay…” She took a breath. “I- uh… I think I heard my own elders say I wasn't the first person you've met up with?... I guess I was just wondering if that's right or not?”

“It is,” Kaylus didn’t hesitate to say. 

“Okay… so what was wrong with the other girls you met?” 

The vanilla flavor was really starting to drive him insane. The sweetness froze him solid from the inside. He felt it in his soulless words as they escaped a cold mouth. 

“I…” for a moment, he thought he had a concrete answer to her question, but lost it the second he spoke. 

“I don’t really know,” he admitted. “It hasn't felt right yet.” 

A dragonfly flew by, hovering not far above the surface of the water. 

“Did any of them reject you?”

“I don’t think they got enough time to.” 

The previous meetings had gone very differently to each other. One time, neither of them spoke at all once out of the presence of their elders, instead just sitting in silence for an hour before Kaylus had gotten up and returned, bluntly asking if they could go home now. Another time, Kaylus had been with a very obnoxiously and insincerely kind (even obviously so to him) girl named Daniela, and Kaylus had gone to the bathroom and proceeded to stay there for several hours, hiding like frightened prey. Most of them had been very nice, though, and often Kaylus had high hopes, but recently with every date, that hope had been dwindling. It seemed that no matter how perfect she seemed, any girl they could pair him up with was just… not right in some way. Kaylus didn’t really know what way that was, but he was certain that he was the problem, not them. 

One time, someone named Kristine had seemed like a perfect match the whole way through. She made him laugh many times, didn’t seem to find his tense pauses and short phrases to be off-putting, generally very talkative and creative. He genuinely liked her. But then, after meeting up several times, she tried to hold his hand. In retrospect, it was understandable that it freaked her out when he ripped his hand away like it was a survival instinct and, once again, hid in the bathroom for hours until she had to leave… He never saw her again. 

“Do you think I seem right?” Marie asked, and Kaylus looked over at her now, seeing a noticeably faded smile on her face. 

He stared at her for long enough that even he could tell it was weird, her face shifting into something more uncomfortable as the time passed. 

“I don’t know.” He said. “Do you think I seem right?” 

Marie opened her mouth, but then seemed to backtrack on herself. Kaylus wasn't sure what he was supposed to get from any of them, but he did catch several expressions coming across her face as she contemplated. 

“I don’t know,” she ended up echoing back at him. 

Sometimes it felt as if God didn’t exist, but that was the kind of thing Kaylus kept to himself. Maybe he had just been forgotten about. Afterall, everyone makes mistakes… But nowadays it felt as if there was a physical border keeping him from being happy in every situation, no matter how many hours he spent praying at night. 

At the same time, maybe the reason for all this, was quite simply his doubt and internal blasphemous, hellish thoughts. Kaylus had no idea how you even started to prevent thoughts in the first place, though, other than simply ignoring them and shoving them away into the deepest depths of your mind - but he'd already been doing that, which sure as heck wasn't working. 

How much longer would he be able to keep all of this up? It truly did feel like he was forced to fight a battle that everyone around and above him knew he couldn't win. Maybe they were all placing bets on how long it would take for him to figure out it was all just a big game at his expense. 

He wanted to like someone, so that his family could finally be happy with him and stop circling him like sharks, asking him weird questions over shared meal occasions and making remarks that he didn’t really understand, but knew he should be offended by. It had been around a year now of set-up after set-up, and his elders made sure to let him know just how tired they were of it, as if he wasn't, too. 

Enzo was allowed to be alone, why wasn't Kaylus?

...Really, if he was honest, he knew why; Enzo wasn't as much trouble to deal with. Enzo wasn't a fake guy like Kaylus, he was normal and he didn’t have to pretend to be. He didn’t break rules. He was positive and talkative with no need for assistance ever. Kaylus knew he was supposed to look up to him, and he did, but every day was a small dose of extra jealousy, too, fueled by Inadequacy. 

Marie and Kaylus ended up sitting in silence for a long time after that. Maybe twenty to thirty minutes had passed when Marie, yet again, let out a sigh, and stood up, no longer carrying an ice cream. 

“Let's keep going,” she said, and Kaylus obliged. He still held onto the end of his own vanilla ice cream, and found himself staring at it again as they walked to the other side of the bridge. 

It is a gift , Kaylus reminded himself. Finally, after silently accusing his elders of not caring about him in the back of his own mind, they had gifted him something purely out of the goodness of their own divine hearts. Yet when he stared at it, somehow his resentment only grew. Respect your elders, he repeated to himself like a mantra. Be thankful. Have faith. 

He would much rather discard it, is the truth. Throw it to the ground and run away from the crime scene. But he held onto it a little longer despite most of it having already melted. He tried hard not to let it spill over as he walked, now a little slower than Marie. His hands would get sticky. 

Back on a gravel path, Kaylus started kicking pebbles. 

“If you could go anywhere- and I mean, like, anywhere, ” Marie suddenly said, head turning to look back at Kaylus. “Where would that be?” 

Maybe Kaylus would've preferred a smaller range to choose from, actually. Anywhere was… unthinkable, really. Not that Kaylus even knew the names of more than 5 countries. There was no way Kaylus was ever leaving the country anyway, that was far too intimidating. How was he supposed to learn an entire other language? And how would he find a place to live or work or do anything? 

Despite this, staying where he was now would be out of the picture. The farmhouse and everything, his family, his elders, they were great and Kaylus knew they wanted the best for him and he loved them just as he was beloved by them - but if he could do anything, it would be going outside every day, like this, but alone, running away and letting the wind carry him. Maybe he would come back sometimes, but no confinements would replace the fresh air in his lungs. That's what he wanted. 

“Away, probably.” he ended up saying. 

“...Away where?”

“Anywhere, I think, as long as there’s more to see than walls and ceilings.” 

Marie was quiet, as she usually was after Kaylus spoke. 

“I guess that makes sense. It… gets boring sometimes in the old houses.” 

“You think so too?”

Kaylus had never met anyone audibly expressing that sentiment with him. 

She shrugged. 

“I mean… we're kind if stuck because of the rules, but every time I go outside, I dream about what's beyond my allowance. Like… Have you heard of volcanoes?” 

“... I think so. The mountains with the fire?” 

“Yes! I would love to see such a deadly thing in real life, not just a picture book…” 

What would Kaylus like to see? They'd never stopped to think about it. Although they did always find it weird that God brought all  of these wonders of the world into existence, yet he was only allowed to see the area within the fence's borders. What mustn’t it have been like for the people who got to see every little corner and crevice of nature in the beautiful world which the Lord had created?

“I don’t know what I'd wanna see… a little bit of everything, probably.” 

Again, that thought of Kaylus running now and never turning back until he had found stable ground on his own, beckoned for him to listen. He resisted, taking one foot in front of the other with slow care for the ‘ice cream’ in his hand which was now just a pathetic mockery of what it once was. 

“But… we- we're not supposed to be talking about this,” Kaylus quickly cut off the conversation as he realized it. “I mean, there's a reason we don't go out of the borders, we shouldn't question it. If our elders knew we even talked about it, surely I would be in trouble. Let's just- think about something else.” 

“... Okay. Yeah, you're right… sorry.” 

Of course, it was silent again

A short minute passed, but every minute afterward felt a little longer than the last. The quiet prodded at Kaylus from all angles, and he tried to open his mouth but any possibility of a conversation topic was long gone. Maybe Marie was running out of questions and comments now, too. If she was, Kaylus was really, truly and utterly doomed. 

“Kaylus…” Marie's tone had shifted, her voice a little lower and maybe a little tired. Nevertheless, the sound of it almost made Kaylus jump. 

Even getting a hum of acknowledgement out proved to be impossible. 

“I- I can tell you don't really like me.” 

“What?” 

How? He questioned himself. Sure, he hadn’t been too enthusiastic about the situation, but it’s not like he was acting cold or mean, right?

“I can see it on your face. And in how you talk. Sorry.” 

“N… no, I like you.” They both stopped walking, standing beneath a scenic magnolia tree, its petals pink and lush, even as some danced their way onto the ground. The water behind Marie reflected the sun onto her skin, and she looked truly like the most ethereal painting a person could ever create. 

“I like you,” Kaylus insisted. “I think- I think you're talented and you're nice and pretty, and you try to talk to me which is more than I can say for a lot of people I've met, and- and I like that! I like you.” 

“No- it's- you don’t understand.” She shook her head and her face didn’t look sad or angry, but it was as if she knew something that Kaylus didn’t. And that it hurt to know. “Thank you for saying that, but you- you realize that's not what this is about.”

“Yes it is.” Kaylus said. “Those are positive traits you have that I like.” 

Her face turned sour, like biting into a lemon. 

"Kaylus, I’m sure you would be a better person to talk to in another circumstance, but like this-” she briefly looked away, still grimacing. “I’m really sorry, but you act like a literal plank of wood. I would get it if you were shy, but… You’re not, are you, you’re just….” 

She sighed instead of continuing her statement which, despite being true, Kaylus had to admit, was a bit insulting. It stung a little. 

“My elders told me before I agreed to this, that you used to be a girl.”

Kaylus’ heart sank.

“They-...” 

They told you? 

He took a step back from her, as if distance was his saviour. Like his soft features could become any less unclear, like the awkward folds in his clothes might look better and less clear by his chest, like his thin arms might look any less feminine. As he crossed a free arm over his torso, his hand turned to a fist, but did that make his hand appear too small?

“Is-... Is it because you- I don't know, because maybe you just can't like girls because you weren't born like that? Do you wish I was a guy or something?” 

Despite her soft voice and nature, every word felt like a bullet to the chest. He quickly decided to unfold his hand and he rubbed at the skin of his other arm until it felt sore. He tried to say something, anything to deny and defend but he didn’t manage it, feeling as if he was choking on air. Denying, he shook his head. 

He didn’t, he didn’t, he didn’t . Obviously. It wasn't even an option that he did. 

For a moment, to prove it, he closed his eyes and imagined a boy in front of him, one like Marie but a little taller and a deeper voice. Maybe shorter hair, wearing a shirt and dress pants, and… And then he opened his eyes because that was a stupid thing to do and he didn’t need to prove anything because he wasn't that , he was a man and he was going to marry a woman and have kids and he was going to love the life given to him. It would be fulfilling and right by God and he would make them all so proud. 

“No,” He finally managed despite the shock still running into his nerves, making his hands curl into fists, letting his nails dig into his skin. “No, what-? No. That’s- no .” 

“I know it’s not allowed and all that, but I was just thinking about it.” 

“No. It’s disgusting and- and that’s a sin and I’m normal.” 

Something in Marie’s face shifted at that, but finally she seemed to drop it. 

“Well… I just wanted to ask…” And her expression kept shifting. Now, her eyebrows turned upward toward the furrow between them as she avoided his firm eye-contact. Her arms crossed her middle. 

“Maybe…” She said, “Maybe we should just go back?” 

“But I like-” 

“No you don’t.” She sighed. “Look, you’re kind of fun to talk to when you actually talk, you seem like a good guy, I’m just saying, I’d rather not waste my time trying to like you or get you to like me if- if you just don’t. I’d rather be home, reading.” 

“But…” He inhaled in order to speak but lost what he wanted to say a few times. 

“What?”

“But I want to like you. I don’t want my family to keep making fun of me…. We could- We could pretend like we like each other in that way and- and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. And you wouldn’t, either!”

“... I’m sorry, Kaylus, but that’s horrid. And this is my first date, I’m not gonna just give up here. I’m sure there’s someone out there who’ll like me. And you too, maybe you’re just unlucky?”

Unlucky was one way to put it. More like God’s favorite punching bag… At least he was someone’s favorite.

“... Yeah, probably…” Kaylus held back his thoughts for a moment, now just rubbing the palm of his hand with a thumb. “Can I ask you something?” 

“As long as it’s not another scheme to trick our elders.” 

“Do you, um. Do you know… How you know you like someone in the way we’re supposed to?” 

Marie, too, seemed to spiral into thought quickly after that, her eyebrows raising, as if it was something she had never even thought about. 

“I don’t know, actually,” she said, sincere. “I- Well, I think you just kind of know?” She shrugged. “It’s not like they ever tell you, right?” She chuckled to herself, but Kaylus looked at her dead-serious. 

You just know.

Kaylus had been told that before. Whatever that meant, whatever he was supposed to know was a mystery. At this point, he’d wish someone would just tell him who he was supposed to love so he could either be happy or miserable with it until the end of his life. Past his life, in paradise, things were supposed to be perfect, so he assumed he didn’t have to worry about it much at that point. 

Part of him was convinced he was lacking the ability to love people romantically in his brain. It wouldn’t have surprised him if it was some kind of defect. When he imagined the future, he didn’t know what he even wanted for there to be with him. Honestly, he didn’t know if he even saw himself in the future at all, at least not in the state he was in right now. Something needed to change, and it was probably going to have to be himself, somehow. Until then, he was stuck in this loop of disappointment and dejection. 

Kaylus dropped his ‘ ice cream’ into the lake and watched it sink. His elders didn’t have to know.

The two decided to walk back toward the fountain, and Kaylus didn’t feel content or dismayed about it. He was dreading the look on his elders’ faces and every step became a little harder to take as he remembered their previous reactions to his rejections. Another one? You know how much time we put into this? Don’t you want a happy and fulfilling life? 

Marie was quieter on the way back, despite the longer distance, and Kaylus truly did feel bad that he wasn’t able to be a better date, especially considering it was a first for her. The prospect of love at first sight was something Kaylus was much past, but he couldn’t deny that he had thought about it before he started being forced into dates. Maybe she had the same kind of hope that Kaylus had now thwarted.

“Sorry I’m not what you probably hoped I would be,” he ended up saying as he caught sight of the fountain nearing them. “I don’t know how to make it better.”

“It’s fine. I don't think it's your fault.” 

It was kind of her to say, but Kaylus thought her tone sounded too monotone, clearly disappointed. He decided not to add to it, deeming that he could probably only make it worse,

The two then arrived back, and their elders nodded their heads in their direction to signal to them. Kaylus folded his hands behind him again and straightened his back. 

“Kaylus, Marie, you're back a little early. Is something wrong?” one of them asked. 

“No,” Marie said. “I just don't think we're right for each other. He's a nice friend, though.” she smiled toward him and that was definitely a relief. Kaylus couldn't help but feel like a complete let-down, but unlike many other girls that he had spoken to, she still had the strength to smile… So that's progress. 

Kaylus decided just to nod as a response, agreeing with her. His elders, though, stepped closer to her. 

“Are you sure?” they asked her. 

“I am.” 

Their eyes shifted toward Kaylus, then, who made the swift decision to not look back at them. 

“Alright, then,” They said, and he felt their hands on his shoulders. “We wish you well.” 

If Marie or her elders had time to say anything before Kaylus had been dragged away again, he didn’t hear it. 

While walking down the street, the kids playing were screaming and Kaylus tensed, ears feeling as if they could start bleeding at any time. The dogs being walked by their owners were gross, always trying to get close to Kaylus, who attempted to avoid them, taking awkward side-steps in front of his elders. His legs were tired from walking. Even the golden colors of the low sun went unappreciated by him. All he wanted now was to be home in his room, and sleep. 

One of the elders opened the car door for him, and he didn’t say thank you while getting in, which he knew was wrong, but it was as if his facial features were completely solidified now, unmoldable, and he couldn’t open his mouth. 

“A shame,” They said, and the car door slammed shut loudly. Kaylus’ arms crossed over himself. 

Both of the elders got into the front seats and one of them let out a sigh, heavy and disappointed. It was quiet for a short while, when Kaylus leaned his head against the window and watched the streets and soon the trees and fields pass him by, before his elder in the driverseat started talking. 

“You know, we took our own money out of our own pockets for this. And we invest so much time in finding good people for you to meet with.” 

Kaylus shifted uncomfortably where he sat, wishing he could just pretend to be asleep. 

“It's difficult, I know that, but it's time for you to take some initiative. It's been far too long. If you don't make up your mind soon, we'll do it for you.” 

“And not even a thank you,” the other said, then. “All that money for nothing, wasted on you.” 

“... It's not even what I wanted… ” Kaylus mumbled to himself. 

“What was that?” 

He held back a groan. “Thank you.” 

A bright field of yellow flowers passed by, but was gone in just a few seconds.