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In the room cloaked in silence, Jamil sat motionless on the floor by the window, the pale moonlight casting faint shadows across his pensive face. Memories of the day he overblotted returned like an unstoppable tide - a day when all of the feelings he had buried for so long exploded, drowning him in anger and despair.
He still remembered that day, the fleeting thought that he would finally be free, that everything he ever wanted would fall into his hands.
But it was a mistake. A grave mistake he had brought upon himself.
Yet, that was only part of it. What haunted him the most was the look in Kalim’s eyes.
That gaze wasn’t filled with fear or caution like everyone else’s. It held something much more heavier - heartbreak laced with helplessness. Kalim wasn’t afraid, nor did he harbor resentment for the betrayal.
He just stood there, trembling, his eyes pleading silently, as though he could pull Jamil back from the abyss with nothing but sheer will.
“Jamil! Please, come to your senses!”
“Jamil, please, just stop! You can have what you want! You can be housewarden! I’ll go home to my family!”
He let out a deep sigh. Those garnet eyes, filled with worry, fear, and the desperate dread of losing him - they still haunted him, piercing straight into his soul.
A memory he wished he could bury deep within - not because he was terrified of it, but because it served as a harsh reminder of how care, how worried Kalim was - a love so pure and unshakeable that Jamil could never think he deserved it. Not even when he had manipulated him, hypnotized, betrayed him, and stabbed a knife into his back. Even then, Kalim's compassion never wavered. That was what truly haunted him the most.
Those eyes bore no resentment, not even fear for Kalim himself, but rather a deep, immovable fear of losing someone he had completely trusted - a friend he valued beyond words.
That realisation took Jamil's breath away, as if the weight of that trust alone would be enough to crush him.
Worse, despite everything, Kalim cried for him - loudly and uncontrollably. Kalim would cry like this every time something bad happened to him, expressing his feelings without hesitation.
Even when Jamil lashed out at him and shouted insults at him, Kalim's empathy never faded. It remained steadfast, unwavering, and unchanging.
Kalim didn’t understand, and perhaps he never would, that his purity was like an invisible blade, slicing through the deeply rooted insecurities in Jamil’s heart.
A part of him wished to break that look and stop being reduced to an unworthy, irredeemable wretch. But another half, down deeper, trembled at the prospect of hurting Kalim ever again.
“...”
It had been two months since that tragedy. Since that evening, when Kalim stood in front of the entire dorm, explaining every detail, incidents, and circumstances that had brought them to that scenario, including his decision to protect and defend Jamil.
Kalim spoke in a soft yet firm tone, not hesitating once as he faced the scrutinising stares and hushed conversations around him.
He claimed Jamil did not deserve the hatred, that all he had done was the result of the crushing pressure he had been under for so many years.
The heir went on to explain Jamil's virtues, his steadfast strength, the sacrifices he had made, not only for Kalim but also for Scarabia.
Kalim set aside all prejudice and spoke up for Jamil without hesitation, even if it meant facing the skeptical looks of those who formerly revered him.
But since then, an invisible yet heavy distance had formed between Kalim and Jamil. They didn’t argue, nor did they act awkwardly, but the silence between them was so profound it seemed to swallow the very air whenever they crossed paths.
Jamil couldn’t find the words to speak. Though his heart brimmed with gratitude, guilt remained lodged deep within him, like a wound that refused to heal. Kalim, whose eyes usually sparkled with unbridled joy, now occasionally carried a distant glimmer, as if he were waiting, hoping for Jamil to say something, anything at all.
But no one could break that silence.
He hated to admit it.
But he… missed his voice.
…
“Hey Jamil! How are you these days?”
…
He missed his smile, his laugh.
…
“Ah hah ha! Jamil, you’re such a worrywart!”
…
He missed his innocence, nonchalant, his carefreeness.
…
“Huh? There's nothing here! What do you mean?”
…
He missed him a lot.
﹏⋆｡˚
The sound of the phone ringing echoed through the room, shattering the lonely, desolate atmosphere Jamil had been immersed in.
He lifted his head, staring at the phone. A mix of surprise and nervous expectation crossed his features, and perhaps, just maybe, a spark of excitement ignited within him.
“Kalim?”
He answered the call quickly, maybe faster than ever before.
Jamil listened intently to the other end, all the while trying his best to keep his own emotions from slipping through.
“Hello?”
“Hey Jamil! How are you these days?”
The voice on the other end carried a warmth that went across the distance, a sound so familiar that it was both annoying and deeply missing.
Jamil remained silent, his gaze concentrated on his calloused hands, which were now tightly clasped as if the act could somehow bring the person closer to him, bridging the distance between them.
“I’m fine.”
“It’s been quite a long time isn’t it? I’ve missed you!”
Jamil stayed silent, letting Kalim's words flow through him, each sweet melody sinking into his ears. He wasn’t sure how to feel. Why did Kalim still treat him this way?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But the silence was broken as frantic sounds erupted from the other end of the line. Jamil jumped upright from the cold floor he had been sitting on.
His hand braced against the ground, and his eyes widened slightly, a glimmer of trepidation flickering within.
“What was that?”
A feeling of unease surged in his chest, tightening around him like an invisible hand, squeezing the breath from his lungs.
“Huh? What was what?”
He spoke as if everything was fine, his tone so light that it gave the impression there was nothing to worry about. But then, the calm was broken by the sound of heavy, laborious breathing through the line, erratic, broken breaths, as if his master was trying to run away from something.
The hurried footsteps pounded against the ground, mixing with the increasingly frantic breaths. Jamil listened, his whole body tensing, his hand gripping the phone so tightly that his fingers turned pale.
“Kalim, you’re- where are you?”
Jamil's voice trembled with growing worry as he stood up, pacing back and forth across his room.
“Kalim, where are you, tell me!”
“Ah- Jamil, you wanna buy something? I just went through some stores! I’ll send you through the headmage!”
The hurried breaths intertwined with the soft words that the heir sent to his dear friend.
Bang. BANG.
He heard the gun noises.
The gray eyes widened, and his worry for the presence of the other person grew stronger.
“KALIM. PLEASE, TELL ME.”
“WHERE ARE YOU.”
“Just, JUST PLEASE COME BACK.”
﹏⋆｡˚
"Kalim is going to be away for a few days? He said that?"
Jamil, one hand still stirring the large pot of soup - the dish the whole dorm was supposed to have for dinner tonight, immediately turned his head when he heard one of the Scarabia members report.
“Yeah… The housewarden told me so, and he wanted me to let you know, he said he would be leaving Night Raven College for a while."
The member hesitated before answering, unsure whether to continue.
Jamil paused for a moment, then turned back to his task, as if focusing on the work was the only thing that could distract him from thoughts he wasn't ready to confront.
“Anything else?”
“Uhm… he didn’t say the reasons clearly. He just said it was a family matter and that no one needed to worry.”
Jamil furrowed his brow, his hand gripping the ladle tightly.
“Family?”
He repeated the words, his voice dropping as if he were contemplating the meaning behind them. Kalim left without telling him directly?
Wait, why should he be worried? This meant he'd have some time to himself. He could finally relax, take a break from everything.
…
The steam rising from the soup pot hit Jamil’s face, his calm expression barely masking the unease creeping within.
Damn it.
He set the ladle down, fully turning around, his gaze sharper than before.
"Did he say when he would come back?"
"No... He just said he’d be gone for a few days."
Jamil remained silent, but in his mind, fragmented pieces were slowly coming together to form a picture that he doesn’t want to face.
Kalim was never good at hiding his feelings, and he never left quietly like this.
This... is unusual.
“Alright… Thanks.”
Jamil responded curtly, his tone so calm that the other person failed to notice the tension hidden beneath it.
He didn’t want to care about Kalim. Or rather, he didn’t want to admit that he was caring.
Jamil turned back to the pot, continuing to stir as if nothing was wrong. But his mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Why didn’t Kalim just tell him directly? Why had Kalim left without any warning?
He sighed, trying to push the thoughts away, but it was no use. Every word Kalim had said, every strange action from before, replayed over and over in his mind, like an endless, nagging melody.
“At least just tell me you idiot…”
.
.
.
.
.
“You know I'm worried.”
﹏⋆｡˚
“Ah hah ha! Jamil, you’re such a worrywart!”
“You dummy, please, you’re not just there alone by yourself aren’t you?!”
Kalim laughed, but the laughter was far from the easy, nonchalant sound it usually was. It trembled, broke off at intervals, revealing his exhaustion with each breath.
This sense of familiarity.
From the things he heard, the things he thought.
Was... Kalim being assassinated?
“Kalim, you’re not with your family right now, aren’t you?”
“Damn it.”
“There’s someone following you isn’t it?!”
Kalim couldn’t defend himself, and someone was targeting him, that was an undeniable truth.
A long pause followed, and when Kalim finally spoke, his voice was so faint that Jamil had to strain his ears to catch it.
“There’s nothing here! What do you mean?”
“I’m alright Jamil, it’s just… sometimes there will be a surprise that might happen in your life. Y’know, you can not always avoid.”
Kalim gave a sheepish smile, trying to calm the person on the other side.
He tried to steady his breath, and slowly, that garnet-eyed lowered, pausing at a spot on his body.
…
He’s bleeding, and it doesn’t stop.
Kalim's small hand tightened around his waist, as if trying to hold onto whatever strength remained.
Only then could he gather enough strength to continue speaking, piecing together the fragments of his will to keep talking with the person he cared about.
Kalim believed he could bear anything as long as Jamil's voice echoed on the other end of the line, including the pain, tiredness, and anxiety that attacked at him with each passing second.
He smiled, a weak smile, but it sparkled like sunshine, as if to comfort the person who worried about him.
Because as long as Jamil was there, Kalim would never truly be alone, no matter how cold or cruel the world outside might be.
“Nonsense. Please, just tell me the location. I’ll send the message to your home! And I’ll- I’ll get there soon.”
Kalim remained quiet, as he tried to slowly absorb each of the words Jamil was saying.
“Kalim?”
“Jamil, do you miss me?”
Optimistic and warm, Kalim always likes this.
Even when standing on the edge of death, Kalim still held onto that light, as if nothing could extinguish it.
“I…”
“Oh, s-sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that. It’s such a stupid question, right?
Haha, what a fool. How could Jamil miss him after those days happened.
The words stuck in Jamil’s throat, his heart tightening at the simple yet unexpectedly heavy question.
He doesn’t know how to answer. It’s not like… Well… Does he? Or does he not? He’s…
“…”
Jamil closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“Kalim… I’ll… I’ll definitely find you, so do not do anything stupid.”
On the other end of the line, Kalim's eyes widened. He never expected Jamil - the one who always kept the distance from Kalim to say anything like that. Especially now, with their situation so precarious after everything they'd been through.
His heart swelled, a part of him feeling stitched back together, healed. It was like a small spark of light in the darkness that had surrounded him.
There’s something on his eyes. Oh, tears?
He let out a small chuckle, the sound gentle like a breeze passing through, a little weak but still full of life.
“I can handle it, Jamil. I’ve relied on you too much for years…”
“I told you I’ll take responsible for my life, righ-“
“Not now, Kalim! WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW.”
Jamil's voice trembled, his hands clutching tightly onto his phone.
He almost lost his control - the tears.
The worry, the fear of losing Kalim. He admitted it, he truly did.
He didn’t want to be separated from him anymore. He really didn’t want to.
Now, in this situation, Jamil realized that all along, he had always been surrounded by fear whenever Kalim wasn’t by his side.
The times when they had to be apart due to their club activities, when he had to take care of the dorm and Kalim wasn’t there with him.
Even worse were the times when he couldn’t find Kalim at the Cloudcalling Festival, or when Kalim suddenly disappeared and got trapped at Playful Land. Even when he had to part with him just to go compete in the basketball club at Royal Sword Academy that he even had to return immediately to the college to take care of the heir.
Jamil realized that whenever he couldn’t find Kalim, he would unconsciously start to worry and immediately go looking for him.
He had thought it was because he feared the family’s reprimands, or because it was his duty to protect the heir of Asim, or perhaps because he would be blamed and get into a mess if anything happened to Kalim.
But no.
He really can’t.
Really cannot live without Kalim.
Kalim was the sunlight in the emptiness of his life.
...
“Jamil, you once told me that-“
“Where are you Kalim… I can save you from there, you know that well.”
“I was such a mess in your life…”
“Kalim I cannot leave you out there.”
“You don’t have to see me anymore, that won’t make you sick from now on. You don’t like my smile, right?”
“Kalim please don’t do this to me…”
“I’ll try to keep on track, so we can be equal!”
“KALIM PLEASE.”
The voice grew weaker and weaker, in stark contrast to the outpouring of worry from the dark-haired boy on the other end.
A soft smile appeared on the little boy’s lips, but his eyes, they seemed so…
Heavy.
...
So sleepy, but he didn’t want to let go of Jamil.
The one he loved so dearly.
"Jamil... I'm sorry for not realizing your struggles and pressures sooner..."
"I'll try my best, for you."
"But now... I'm so sleepy… I guess it's because I didn't listen to Jamil and went to bed early."
A soft chuckle echoed through the night, a beautiful night with the moonlight casting over his sweet face.
Kalim, a lively boy, shining like its sunshine.
But even the sun must sets on its right time, right?
…
“Kalim… Please, no.”
“Jamil…”
“No Kalim!”
“Please, stay with me!”
“Don’t go!”
.
.
.
.
.
Jamil screamed, as if trying to tear down the distance between them, as though his voice could pull Kalim back.
But on the other end, there was only silence, stretching on endlessly, like a blade slicing through his heart.
﹏⋆｡˚
“Jamil, please, just stop! You can have what you want! You can be housewarden! I’ll go home to my family!”
.
.
.
Oh… Kalim.
I only want you.
In my mind, there was only one image - the smile of Kalim Al-Asim.