Chapter Text
“ It’s okay, it’ll pass. One day, you’ll be able to look at the world, and find excitement in it once again.
For now, cry. Cry, keep crying; cry all you want, let your tears form a river. I’ll be here to wipe them away for you, I’ll be here to give you warmth and solace, even if it’s just a little bit.
But, please… just keep holding my hand.
Please, Pleng? “
☀︎♫
When the morning comes, Wan would wake up, and get ready to go to school.
“S-sorry…”
And, still unable to fully focus her blurry vision, Pleng would sit up for a while, just to see her off.
“I didn’t mean to wake you up, I dropped my belt…”
“Wan…”
Every day, at seven in the morning—waking up every single day; a feeling far worse than just being straight up dead. Puffy eyes, aching body. Barely any energy to even open her eyes, heart so heavy she didn’t even know how it continued to beat in the first place.
But, at least, she got to see that pretty smile on Wan's face as soon as she noticed her, drowsily glaring from the bed as she got ready to leave. At least, she got to hear her voice, still a little raspy and not fully woken yet; saying good morning to her and also goodbye, not long after, to then gently kiss her cheek before sending her off to her dreams once again.
When her mind got too noisy and the world felt like it had started closing up on her, Pleng would write in her little journal. Eventually, it would just become a habit.
…
( … )
I hate everybody. I hate everything. It seems like the feeling is mutual.
When she’s not here, the only thing that’s left for me is just… trying to deal with this giant hole in my heart.
That, and also trying not to upset the owners of this house by just merely existing and being one hell of a depressed, good for nothing failure.
Eight hours. Eight hours in hell.
And then, she comes back. For a little while, I feel at peace… strangely, at home.
( … )
…
Even with the slightest movement, Pleng would wake up. Almost as if she'd modified her internal clock to wake up just in time to see Wan leave.
And, even though the aforementioned would far prefer for Pleng to sleep all day long, she would gladly say good morning to her, even though she knew how much Pleng dreaded everything at that moment.
But, even when life seemed to have lost its meaning, the heaviness in Pleng’s heart would dissipate just for a while. When, belt in hand and the cutest pout showing itself on that pretty face of hers, Wan made the bed bounce slightly as she jumped on it, sitting on the edge right in front of her.
And, when Wan urged her to go back to sleep, she'd just let out a lifeless chuckle. “Rest?, I’ve been doing that for an entire month already…”
“And you can keep doing just that until you feel better.”
Wan would cup her face so lovingly, with those always warm, soft hands of hers… And the heaviness in her heart would be taken over by the fluttering sensation of the growing feelings that were brutally taken away from her as soon as she'd started letting them blossom freely, little by little.
“Stop… you’re going to be late…”
…
( … )
I wonder if she knows…
That, sometimes, when I cry after she leaves, it’s not because of the same reason.
Not because it seems like the world is playing some sick joke on me just to laugh at my suffering, but because I can’t stand not feeling her close to me.
That now, even more than ever, she’s become the reason I keep trying to find even the smallest reason to keep living—that her being the first thing I see when I wake up is already the biggest one.
That she’s become the little ray of sunshine that warms my hands in the midst of this cold, cold winter.
( … )
…
One day, when Wan had sent a message to Pleng saying that she'd be home later than expected due to a group project, Pleng would have broken down completely. The four walls that became home as soon as Wan was there rapidly morphed into some sort of prison that seemed to get more and more bizarre and threatening as time passed—as more minutes went by, adding up to the extra waiting time that killed Pleng slowly. When Wan finally got home, the sun would've started setting down, and she would’ve been laying on the floor, curled up and asleep; after having run out of tears.
And, instead of waking her up and asking what happened, Wan would have just laid behind her. Then, as Pleng wakes up to the familiar feeling of Wan's embrace, a waterfall would have started flowing out of her eyes once again. “ I don't like this place, Wan…”
“I know, but… please hang on just a little bit more, okay?”
…
( … )
«I'll get us out of here, I promise»…
More than just… empty words used to calm me down, the determination in her voice, it… still lingers in my mind. She definitely meant it.
Why is someone like me allowed to love such a good person?
While I get to stay here and do nothing more than rot in hell all day, she still…
Still lends me her loving embrace every single night, still speaks to me gently as soon as I break down for the thousandth time.
Still manages to convince her mother and her father to leave me alone, somehow.
Still gets me some food every day, still gets me to shower even if it's just standing there and letting the water run through my body…
It angers me, to a point. The fact that those two scums get to call someone like Wan their daughter.
Sometimes, I imagine myself spitting on their graves as a way to help me fall asleep.
( … )
…
Filled with guilt, Pleng would eventually decide to quit school and look for a job instead.
And, of course, Wan would get angry at her.
“Busking?, are you not aware of how dangerous that is?, putting yourself out there—exposing yourself to mere strangers?”
“No, that's just—it’s only while I can find a job, Wan.”
“No.”
So, without knowing what else to do, Pleng would take her hands tenderly, and with teary eyes, she would confess:
“I want to save up some money so that, when we're adults, we can leave this place and find somewhere else to live.”
And only then, Wan's gaze would soften immediately, as images of a life together with Pleng would start flashing through her mind.
“So, with the money that dad left me, plus whatever else I can earn if I manage to find something decent, we can leave this place and start somewhere else, don't you think?”
“Freedom…”
“... Yeah.”
“Well, then I’ll also—”
“No.”
“What!?”
“The only thing you have to do is keep being a good student so that you can become the best doctor ever and make a lot of money!”
Wan's bright laugh would make Pleng’s heart shake. Intensely, more intensely than ever before. Sooner than later, all the love being poured onto her would have started overflowing; the content of her heart threatening to spill everywhere.
In the upcoming days, Pleng would somehow manage to pull herself up and try to refresh her mind after not having touched anything related to her music for quite a long time.
“Let's see if I can still play this thing…”
And as soon as Wan could catch a glimpse of her beloved Pleng making music once again, she'd excitedly run to her with sparkling eyes and a racing heart.
“Still as good as always~”
“Oh, well, It's just… muscle memory, nothing too special…”
“Well, whatever it is, You're still the best musician in my eyes.”
So, with those words echoing in her mind permanently, Pleng would start to wake up with Wan. But this time, she'd also try to make herself look decent enough to start her job hunt.
So she'd walk with Wan towards the bus station, hand in hand and a racing heart, until they had to part ways after wishing each other the best of luck.
At last, her journey started. Guitar to her back and determination settled in her mind and body; the hopes of looking for a better future for the both of them. In the morning, she'd go around, asking and offering to do anything in exchange for even just a couple of pennies.
As she had expected it, the first couple of days were a total failure. The only thing she managed to do was remind herself of how privileged she'd grown up to be.
In the end, she was still struggling to leave that «rich, spoiled little girl that never had to ask for anything because she already had it anyways» behind.
After a rejection-charged morning, she'd settle on the nearest park. She'd sit down with her guitar, sing some tunes until she ran out of energy, and leave right after Wan texted her that she was back from school.
“How was today?”
Wan would stop asking after seeing Pleng's lifeless stare as she sat down on the bed.
As days went by, hopelessness settled once again.
And, ultimately, everything would collapse once again one somber afternoon. Pleng would enter the room and break down crying instantly. Bruise on her left hand and, in the casket of her guitar, the instrument; broken in half.
“Some kids playing with a ball…” , Pleng would mumble, as Wan’s arms sheltered her in a comforting hug.
Pleng would hit rock bottom again.
…
( … )
My only hope got destroyed by some stupid boys. Also, I definitely left my phone in there, somewhere… it’s goodbye for now, I guess.
The parents apologized, and gave me a pretty good amount of money. Not enough to make me feel even a little bit better about the situation, though.
They make their small idiots give me a half-assed “apology”, and give me money to “repair my guitar”,
…
Hah.
Why don’t you tell your fucking kids to start having some spacial awareness instead of being too busy making out in a fucking park that’s filled with other kids, including your own?
Not even just that, it’s just… disgusting.
Naive little me slipped up and forgot that there’s way too many assholes living in this hell hole….
( … )
…
Not knowing how to deal with the pain anymore, Pleng would cry for hours. Wan would gladly offer her shoulder for her beloved to cry on, without a doubt, and when Pleng’s head started hurting intensely, she’d suggest a warm water bath to help her calm down for a bit. Pleng simply wouldn’t have any force left in her, though. The emotional pain would’ve been eating her up to a point in where her body turned into a mere lifeless casket; her soul having lost its light completely.
So Wan would have offered to bathe her herself.
And as even uttering the smallest word felt like too much, Pleng would just let herself be loved by the dark haired girl’s gentle, careful hands. She’d comply, as Wan removed every article of clothing from her body, as she’d help her sit down slowly in the bathtub, letting her be embraced by the warm water that undoubtedly brought her some peace for a while.
“Better?” , Wan would ask, smiling, after hearing the deep sigh leaving Pleng’s lips.
Followed by a tiny smile, Pleng would nod.
And again, her heartbeat would raise violently with the touch of Wan’s hands on her skin, touching her so softly, without an ounce of ill intentions hiding behind her actions. Just pure love, care, tenderness, genuine concern for her wellbeing.
And then, Pleng would succumb to her heart, and as Wan's ever-delicate hands massaged her hair to apply the shampoo, she couldn't help but admire her beautiful face.
No, not merely her delightful features. More than anything, truly, she couldn't help but admit that she no longer wanted to keep running away from the enormous urge that overpowered her. Her desire to kiss those beautiful lips of hers.
“What's wrong?” Wan would ask, disguising her equally fluttering heart behind a shy little smile, and Pleng would simply shake her head, smiling just the same. “Thank you,” she would say then, her voice brittle, her hands trembling.
“You know I love you.” Wan would reply. “I’d gladly do this and more, if it means that you’ll be okay even for a little while.”
And finally, Pleng would close the space between them; stealing a small kiss from the girl's rosy lips. In response, Wan would simply laugh and playfully, with her index finger, smudge the tip of her nose with a gentle speck of foam. Shy giggles would fill the bathroom, hiding the fluttering hearts that would inevitably yearn for more.
In the middle of the night, Pleng would be brave enough to speak up.
“Wan,” she’d call out, partial darkness and the gentle dim moonlight caressing their bodies.
Of course, Wan would respond in a heartbeat. “So you can’t sleep either, huh?”
As they both chuckled, Pleng would then turn around in order to face her, and without having to say it out loud explicitly, they’d know. They’d know that it was time.
“I just… don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of you with everything going on right now”, Wan would confess in the softest voice; Pleng’s favourite lullaby.
“No, Wan.” Pleng would reassure her, getting even closer, hiding away into her chest. “It’s these times that have made me realize how much I love you.”
“In what way?”, Wan would ask, wanting to hear it explicitly; that one feeling that she’d gotten to know so well a long time ago, the one Pleng had more trouble coming to terms with. “In the way that makes you feel like you have to distance yourself from me just so that I can accomplish your desire of seeing me date some guy because we, according to you, spend too much time together and, some day, that’s gonna have to change?”
“No…”
In that moment, upon realizing the contradictory nature of her own actions that were impulsed by denial, Pleng would giggle softly. Wan would, too, her arms hugging Pleng tightly. “In the way that makes me want to spend eternity with you,” Pleng would smile widely at the feeling of Wan’s lips pressing a loving kiss atop her head, “In the way that makes me want to write a million cheesy love songs as I think of you.”
“Oh?, is that a promise, then? I’ll be waiting.”
And as midnight settled, sweet chuckles would seal their unspoken pact.
“Thank you, Wan. I love you so much, Wan…
From that night onwards, life would start getting better little by little.
In the morning, Wan would wake Pleng up with a kiss on the forehead, followed by a small peck on the lips and a shy little smile from her now girlfriend, who was no longer as sleepy as she was just a second ago. “Go to the bus stop with me”, she would ask cutely, and, in a heartbeat, Pleng would get out of bed to go with her.
And, in one of those mornings, someone would approach her. A tall woman, carrying a backpack. Short-medium hair, the tips of it dyed green. Raspy voice, friendly but upfront demeanor.
“I’ve been seeing you at the park.” The tall woman would tell her, as she took something out of the pocket of her jean jacket. It would’ve been her phone, the one she assumed had been stolen as soon as she realized it was no longer with her. “I got really sad when you disappeared, you know?”
Pleng would have just stopped and stared for a moment. Confused, given the situation, but a big feeling of relief settled in her heart. She wouldn’t have to worry about getting a new phone anymore. “You look very young, by the way.”
“Ah, I’m… seventeen.”
“Woah. A total baby.”
…
No matter how you look at this, should a grown adult really be trying to have a conversation with a teenager…? , she’d think in her head.
And although still wary, Pleng would continue to engage in the conversation. She’d end up learning that the lady’s name is Mew, and that she plays music with some friends at a little café/bar near the area. That she’d caught little glimpses of her busking sometimes, on her way to work. “I like that I can know just how much you love doing it just from listening to you.”
And so, after taking the small, thin business card-like piece of paper that Mew handed her at some point, Pleng would slowly start understanding the situation.
Please let it be…
“It would really hurt me to let go of a young talented soul such as yourself. The world is full of people with ill intentions, you know? So… come with us! Sometimes we get good tips from it. It’s not really an official job, really, but it’s way better than busking in the streets and exposing yourself to all sorts of possibilities out there. You gain experience, you have fun... What do you think?”
In an instant, Pleng’s world would light up. She’d start smiling brightly, already excited at the thought of telling the news to Wan.
“Oh, sorry. Phi never asked your name.”
“Pleng.”
“Ah, how fitting. Alrighty then!, see you soon, I assume?”
“Yes. Thank you, P’Mew.”
“Of course!, Byebee~, take care, kid!”
And right after the conversation, Pleng would go back to Wan’s room. With a big, big smile on her face, she’d let her body fall on the bed, fantasizing about all the possible scenarios that her new life might have in store for her.
She’d then immediately realize that she didn't even have an instrument anymore, and worry would start settling once again. Then, remembering that she had been handed some money as an apology on that day, she’d embark on a journey to try and get her guitar fixed, only to be faced by the cruel reality: it was not enough money.
Only for that day, she’d decide to stop worrying about it. For the rest of the day, she’d just wait for Wan to take her to see the place with her. In the meantime, she would look up for some material to study.
And when Wan got home, she’d see Pleng laying on the bed, her notebook open as she played with the pencil in her hand. She’d jump next to her, excitedly, to then lovingly kiss her shoulder. “Are you going to start making music again?” , she’d ask eagerly.
And then, smiling brightly, Pleng would talk to her about the events that unfolded right after she left for school in the morning.
“But… do you trust her?, I know that you’re really excited, but no matter how I look at it, it’s still…”
“Well… I know that the whole situation sounds weird, but if you want, we can go check out the place together. She gave me a little piece of paper with the address and everything.”
Upon hearing Pleng’s suggestion, Wan would smile timidly.
“This is just like a date, don’t you think?”
“Well… it can be, if you want it to.”
“... Wait for me, I’ll get changed!”
And so, with a smitten smile refusing to leave her lips, Pleng would simply observe as Wan sprints across the room, excitedly looking for something to wear to their little impromptu date.
Not too long after, they’d leave the house, same as the setting sun, after bypassing the thick wall of Wan’s mother’s endless questioning.
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s fine.”
With a sweet smile and a tender kiss on her hand, Pleng would tell Wan not to worry too much.
…
( … )
We spent at least fifteen minutes trying to leave. Wan apologized as soon as we stepped foot outside, but I told her that it’s okay.
I know she’s worried… I know she feels embarrassed because of them.
But, who cares if her parents hate me for whatever reason? I’ve got her heart, and she’s got mine.
I took her to see the place in where P’Mew told me she works at.
It was pretty empty… maybe because it’s a work day, who knows.
P’Mew recognized me instantly. She introduced herself to Wan, too. She told us that they weren’t playing tonight because some of the band members were unavailable. To be honest, I really wanted to see them play, so I was a little disappointed..
It was a little narrow, but very cozy. Neon lights and soft jazz music playing in the background; only a couple of people sitting in the far, far back, near to the grand piano that I instantly noticed as soon as we entered. It definitely was too obvious that I was dying to play it, so I’m a little embarrassed…
But P’Mew was kind enough to take me to it and let me play for a while. I missed it so much…!! I got complimented, too. It made me feel a bit shy, but… I must confess, I missed feeling that warmness in my heart after getting complimented.
We learned that she’s a guitarist. She mentioned that, actually, she’d been classically trained ever since she started as a child, but eventually found out that jazz was more close to her heart.
And then, she disappeared for a while, and came back with a guitar. We got a little free concert from her!!!
‘This is fun. I’ve never played classical guitar repertoire on a jazz guitar… kinda weird, but fun.’, she said that, and for some reason, she looked ten thousand times cooler when saying it… real musicians really are too cool, after all.
So, apparently, her older sister is the owner, and she works as a barista in the daytime. Then, when it’s near closing hours, she plays with the small jazz ensemble that she and her friends formed back when they were still freshmen in university. That’s what she told us.
Then, she asked what we wanted to eat. I told her that we didn’t have any money.
‘You silly~, you think I’d ask you and make you pay for it?, of course it’s on me.’, she said, and then she started reciting the menu to us and giving us her personal recommendations.
Unsurprisingly, the food was really good!!
I really enjoyed tonight.
And it makes me really happy that Wan did, too. I’m glad that she’s more at ease, now that she’s met P’Mew, now that she knows she’s not just some sketchy person trying to take advantage of me.
P’Mew told me to text her if I really wanted to go on with her proposal.
And, well… of course, I’m excited to learn more, and now that I know P’Mew better, it makes me feel more at ease. She has this older sister aura that makes me feel safe, so I’m not too worried.
But… I can’t deny that, technically, I’m still a kid.
I’m still scared of many things.
I still get filled with anxiety when I realize that I might start working alongside talented musicians that are not only older than me, but also much more experienced. Not only in the music scene, but in life.
Compared to me, who can only be considered as someone who likes to… try and make music; simply an amateur.
Will I be okay…?
Well, I’ll talk to P’Mew tomorrow. I’m sleepy.
I’ll wait for Wan to get out of the shower, so that we can go to sleep. These days, I really look forward to telling her ‘I love you’ right before we go to sleep, hehe~
Well, that’s it for today.
I really hope life is starting to be more gentle to me.
22:22
xxxx-xx-xx
…
☀︎♫