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𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝟭𝟱𝘁𝗵, 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟰
The first thing Erin did after closing the apartment door behind her was release the tears she'd been holding back all day. When she'd been invited by Kate's family to come and celebrate her birthday, she was tempted to turn them down. She knew how much it would drain her, but scolded herself for thinking so selfishly. It would've been wrong not to go just because it was easier to coddle herself.
Being there with them, hearing the way they spoke about her, Erin could feel how much they loved Kate. It was painful to know that Kate wouldn't have felt like she deserved any of it.
𝗢𝗰𝘁𝗼𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝟮𝟲𝘁𝗵, 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟯
Erin and Kate stood gazing at the almost-full moon reflected in a nearby lake as they spoke. Having each other's company had allowed a day that carried many painful reminders to quickly fly by. "You know, I didn't think you'd ever forgive me for what happened." Kate said. Erin turned to face her. Kate usually did most of the talking when they were together, but there was something different about today. It was as if she'd suddenly thought of a thousand things to say, and was determined not to leave a single one unsaid.
She continued, "When you asked me to come over after a few weeks, I could hardly believe it. I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there, but I thought you'd at least be upset with me. You gave me a cup of hot chocolate and asked how I was doing. You made me promise to get some sleep when I got home. It all felt like a dream." Erin remembered that like it was yesterday.
She recalled how paralyzed she'd been by grief and fear in the weeks before, and how calling Kate was one of the first things she did once that began to fade. Talking about what they'd been through was comforting, much more than Erin thought it would be. She had a hard time explaining her feelings about that night to people who would never truly understand, but Kate always did.
"Nobody's ever thought that you should take responsibility for everything besides you, Kate. I was only trying to be a decent friend." Erin responded. "That's more than I would've asked for." Kate said. To Erin, what she had done for Kate was nothing compared to what Kate had done for her. Kate was there to comfort her when she was having constant nightmares. Kate gave her the encouragement she needed to start going out again when she was terrified of leaving home. "You're too hard on yourself. I don't know where I'd be if you weren't there for me." Erin asserted. "Don't give me the credit for your improvement, you're the one who put the effort in." Kate said. Erin noticed her conveniently ignoring the first part, but decided not to comment. It wouldn't go anywhere. No amount of care from others could convince Kate not to hate herself, Erin knew that all too well by now.
"I wish you wouldn't brush me off like that. I want you to know how much I appreciate you. You're the best friend I've ever had." A moment of silence passed between them, the longest one they'd had the whole evening. Erin took in a deep breath before sighing, "I love you, whether you want to accept it or not." Hearing that, Kate's plain expression shifted to one of guilt. "I'm sorry, Erin. I'm proud of how far you've come, and glad I could be of some help. I love you too." Kate said. She'd barely finished speaking when Erin pulled her into a tight hug. Kate hugged her back even tighter. Nothing was left unsaid.
𝗡𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 𝟱𝘁𝗵, 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟯
Erin sat in bed with her phone in hand as she numbly read through every message Kate had ever sent her. Nothing felt real. She wondered how she hadn't seen this coming. She wondered what she could've said or done to make things easier for Kate. She wondered why Kate had never opened up about how she was feeling, but Erin already knew the answer. Kate didn't want her to worry any more than she already did.
Erin thought over and over about the last time they saw each other. She held onto the memory firmly, not letting a single piece of it slip away. Since receiving the news the previous day, every moment made reality sink in a little more. She was starting to realize just how much she'd relied on Kate. The thought of going on without her was difficult to fathom. Erin had never felt more lost in her life.
Despite the emptiness within her, she would try to move forward. She knew how much Kate would want that. The hole left in her heart couldn't be filled, but Erin would do her best not to let herself crumble.