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as the ash from his cigarette fell into one of those ridiculous merchandise mugs Jayce had in such abundance that he forced them onto everyone and their mother, Viktor gazed longingly at his very favorite ashtray standing on the desk in the far end of the room. he never expected one of his most prized, sentimental, lovingly used possessions to almost mock his inability to move without any aid, but there he was, making do with whatever of use he found on the nightstand, the most comfortable survivalist in the world.
he really should have paid more, or any at all, attention to where his crutch went last night.
or his braces.
or even his clothes.
intuition told him that all of those items must have joined his critical thinking skills and inner voice of reason somewhere on the floor, but he wouldn’t trust himself to get up and look for them, not when his legs still felt boneless
he watched the wisp of smoke from his morning cig rise towards the ceiling, twirling elegantly, engrossed in its own ballet, one last performance before it would disperse forevermore. usually, the ordeal was caffeine first, nicotine second, but this morning he had no idea as to when he’d actually be getting out of bed, let alone getting dressed or getting to anything productive such as grabbing a cup of coffee or going to the lab, so he had to improvise a little bit.
still, the smoke rose undisturbed, the change of routine or the lack of the usual ashtray making no difference whatsoever to the laws of physics. there were things in the world that remained uncaring of the small perturbations and unpredictabilities of life.
as always, he found reassurance in the undeniably logical.
the small flame at the end of his cigarette still devoured the tobacco in the same unhurried pace of a content man enjoying his dinner, the ash still fell down and the smoke still floated up, the sun rose at precisely thirty two minutes past seven in the morning, right on schedule, and none cared that Viktor’s life would be completely different in so many ways starting today, none but him, Jayce and perhaps a few people close to them; professor Heimerdinger did care about the both of them, after all, and he did like his gossip.
he always feared the morning after, would it ever come to one. he feared waking up cold and alone, having to go about his day as if nothing ever happened, because that would be the sensible thing to do. he feared awkward greetings and deafening silence that’d give him all the time in the world to rethink things that couldn’t be rethought anymore. he feared distance forcibly put between two people who could never stay apart try as they might, far more awkward than any accidental touch or stolen glance caught mid-act could ever be in the worst way possible, the length of the room stretching impossibly with the effort to separate from each other.
he feared hearing that strangely charming stutter Jayce could only control when he planned and practiced for what he had to say at least half a dozen times; he’s heard it in his head so many times before, the mental image of the worst case scenario alone keeping him in check.
“I’m sorry, I- I don’t know how- what I’m trying to say is- look, I hate being the one to say this, too, but-”
he knew it would take far too long for his partner to reject him, and he knew he wouldn’t have the heart to cut in before Jayce would find the perfect words; he was possibly the only person who knew how bad the resident golden boy felt about his rather poor natural people skills and pointing it out in any way would feel cruel.
in hindsight, waking up with his biggest issues being having to use a mug as an ashtray, a dull, not entirely unpleasant ache in his backside and the faintest sense that he should go to the bathroom soon while he couldn’t really locate any of his mobility aids were the best problems one could wish for.
Viktor carefully leaned back against the propped up pillow, staring at his cigarette. should he put it out, or did it have a puff or two left in it? he had half a pack left, but he was never known for wastefulness; besides, he truly had no idea when he’d either get the help needed to get out of bed or feel the necessity to wake the man sleeping so peacefully next to him and ask him for assistance, so he really preferred to be resourceful. it was always nicer to have some time to just contemplate things with a cigarette in hand. the upside to having his entire respiratory system already half in shambles with no real hope of some miraculous breakthrough in the medical field being made in the next decade, maybe less, was being able to smoke almost entirely guilt-free.
the cigarette this morning tasted particularly good - maybe it was because he’s actually gotten some very good sleep, or maybe what people said the morning after sex was true; it’s been long enough since the last time that he’s forgotten.
Viktor wanted to tell himself it was accidental, but after all that’s happened, it was impossibly hard to keep lying to himself. no, he wanted to turn his head, he wanted a glance at the man sleeping next to him. he wanted to see how the few rays of sunrise that found their way into the room danced on the bare skin of his shoulder, they too wanting to touch however much was revealed when some of the blanket slipped off.
he would have been jealous of the sun, able to caress his partner without waking him up just yet, if he didn’t know that he could touch him anytime now, would it be day or night, the only thing stopping him being his own stupid reservations.
Jayce stirred ever so slightly, his brows furrowing as he turned a little from resting entirely on his side to partly on his stomach, unaware of Viktor’s focused, watchful eyes following his every movement like he was the most glorious specimen, the object of the most passionate study, a question the smaller man desperately needed an answer to. like a test subject underneath the microscope, like the first breakthrough after hours of rewriting equations, he was being inspected and watched and admired and he had no clue, snoring softly with a thin line of saliva trickling down the corner of his mouth and onto the pillow. what was so beautiful about a man deeply asleep and drooling onto a pillow that wasn’t even his own, Viktor didn’t entirely understand, but he was captivated by how comfortable the other was, how perfectly he fit by his side.
it was obvious to him now why his partner was often running late, arriving at the lab an hour or two later than they have agreed on. he slept like a log, unmoving except for when he tried to escape the merciless sun or the subtle movements of the man next to him, unnecessarily careful for how hard it was to truly awaken him.
hair completely out of place, free from the restraint of his usual slicked back hairstyle, body entirely bare except for the thin layer of soft cloth on top of him, expression changing ever so slightly every other second - from calm to a soft smile to the focused look Viktor adored so much, the muscles in the part of his back that was left uncovered flexing and relaxing with subtle movements, Jayce was utterly captivating to the right audience, no studied gesticulation or revised speeches required, appreciated at his most vulnerable, at least until his eyelids fluttered, betraying the approaching wakefulness.
Viktor tried to look away, but he wasn’t quick enough, as he often found himself to be. the last thing he saw before he focused on fishing a fresh cigarette out of the box (the stubborn little thing was avoiding his fingers like a mouse sniffing a trap, never stepping close enough to be caught; he hated when this happened, when the smallest of his movements betrayed his nervousness) was Jayce’s unfocused eyes opening just to catch him staring.
“morning, sunshine,” he heard just as he managed to pull a new smoke out, the end of it pressed to the shy flame of the previous one, the image of the two cigarettes joined at the tips a pleasant allegory to what happened the night before, bringing out fresh memories that made his cheeks heat up.
“finally awake?” the smaller man asked as the first puff of smoke left his mouth. “good, we have things to do.”
he took another glance at Jayce’s smiling, contented face, the light stubble on his chin that he was definitely going to complain about and the deep shadows under his eyes. they were both tired, having stayed up well into the night as they talked everything out, figured out every little complication, brainstormed every idea for years into the future until they had the best and worst case scenarios all planned so they could sleep calm and unbothered.
“no, we don’t,” his partner protested with his face already pressed against Viktor’s side, lips grazing the blueish-purple bruises left behind by his strong grip the night before, as if apologizing. “how long have you been up? you could have shaken me or something…”
Viktor just laughed, not a full sound, but definitely more than a chuckle; as if he didn’t try, as if his first instinct before reaching for the cigarettes wasn’t trying to get the other man to move.
“what? what’s so funny?”
he felt Jayce’s embrace tightening, pulling him further down. he had the playfulness of someone who put his stupidly big hands wherever and the care of someone who knew exactly how to touch him so that it didn’t even brush against any of the usually aching spots. his cigarette drowned in the gray desert of ash at the bottom of the cup just in time for Viktor to let the other man pull him in.
they shared the first kiss of the first morning after, unbothered by each other’s less than appetizing taste before the first glass of water and brushing their teeth like new lovers usually were. white-ish smoke rose from the cup and up over the bed, over their heads. it flowed towards the ceiling, driven by forces greater than their joys and worries, and the world kept spinning despite the first sweet words shared on the first morning of the rest of their lives.