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“It’s because… I trust you.”
That simple phrase resounded over and over in Damon’s mind. He childishly felt like crying every time he remembered Eva’s miserable expression while she said those words.
What part of that spiel was even honest? Damon can’t help but ask into the void. He always sought answers, knowledge, even if it only brought him pain.
Those sweet, delicate words, laced with an addictive drug, only able to be fallen for by the stupid and naive—by Damon. He had been the one who isolated himself in an attempt to rid every one of their naive feelings, yet, even with that, he still gave into his own naivety.
The human desire for other human connections was truly terrible. Even Damon couldn’t fully rid himself of that inclination, because without it, he wouldn’t be human.
But Damon doesn’t care. He’ll refuse his humanity, over and over, because he needs to survive. He can’t trust anybody.
Blankly working off muscle memory, Damon walks into the dorm hallway. He had no motivations in mind—just the knowledge that he should walk back to his dorm. He needs to get back to his own dorm. Maybe he’d try to sleep and ignore the blatant fact that sleep would not come.
Damon didn’t look up, not even once, until he heard someone say his name. When his vision darts up, his green, dull and annoyed eyes meet yellow, panicked and nervous ones.
“D—Damon! You’re… not going back to your dorm, are you?” Kai stammers, with obviously trembling hands—he barely felt confident in anything he was saying and it showed.
Damon didn’t say anything for a long moment; he only blankly stares at something past Kai. However, Kai stared straight into Damon’s eyes with frantic anticipation.
“I am,” Damon stated coldly. He looks away from Kai, for he can’t take that pitiful, desperate gaze of his.
Kai startles. “Fuck, alone…? You want to be alone after that?! Well, no… ‘cuz maybe that’s safer, actually…? Wait, no—damn, I don’t even know…!”
Kai then put his hands into his hair, dramatically and roughly. Damon would continue staring, wondering if Kai could handle being alone. Wondering if it was even safe to be alone himself.
However, Kai answered those things for him… sort of.
“Wait! No, I can’t do it! I don’t want to be alone! The doors aren’t even lockable…!” The influencer loudly exclaims. Kai then looks up expectantly at Damon. “… D—Damon… c’mon…”
Shit, Damon realizes. Kai’s right… it’s… it’s in my best interest I go with him, he thought to himself, emphasizing that this was for himself and himself alone—not Kai, who was so obviously seeking Damon’s comfortable presence to rely upon.
Truthfully, Damon feared for the same events he had with Eva to happen again, all over again, but with Kai. Damon absolutely would not let that happen: that’s what he told himself as he took the fate-sealing steps towards Kai’s dorm once again.
Damon roughly strides right past Kai into the latter’s dorm. He hears Kai exclaim something, but it doesn’t reach him at all.
The romantic pink color of Kai’s dorm immediately overwhelms Damon’s vision, and it only causes Damon dull dread. It all looks reminiscent of Kai’s dyed hair. He’s already sat on the rosy sofa before Kai quickly stepped in after him.
“Damon, what the hell?! I can’t just read your mind, you know…!” Kai groans. He looks down onto Damon, who’s noticeably on the sofa that Kai thought he hated sleeping on. “Uhm, hey, don’t you want half of the bed again…?”
Damon stupidly turns away from Kai, like a pouting child. “I… I don’t.”
“Ooh, uh, okay… But, uhm… you can sleep on the bed again, and you know, beds are way comfier…” Kai says quietly. He was obviously trying to entice Damon to sleep next to him, probably out of fear, and Damon didn’t want to give in.
Damon’s silence is received, and Kai gives a quiet sigh in response. He looks mournfully at Damon, seemingly wanting to say something, but he looks hesitant. Kai gives a weak smile.
“Do you want to talk about—“
“No!” Damon hisses, cutting Kai off before he can even finish that disgrace question. Maybe Kai had been okay with showing Damon some of his weakness, his loneliness, but Damon would never make the mistake of allowing Kai the same blessing of intimacy.
Kai winces, takes a small breath. “Alright,” he murmurs. “Goodnight.”
Then, Kai turns off the lights. He crawls into his bed, sniffles a little, and pulls the covers over him. Damon can hear Kai stifling tears into his covers.
Damon feels some guilt about his harshness deep down, but he ignores it. He turns himself over stiffly and finds theres truly no comfortable position on this god-forsaken sofa.
… Damon should be the one crying, he thinks, but, irregardless of his selfish feelings, he feels his heart seize up upon hearing someone else’s pitiful cries. His mind immediately flickers back to Diana, Eva, but he immediately pushes the two out of his mind.
Minutes pass; lots and lots pass. Damon isn’t exactly sure how much time he spent staring at the dark ceiling, just thinking, grieving, festering. Damon frustratedly wonders how he’s always conflicted with himself between what he knows is logically right versus what he feels emotionally.
Despite feeling like an absolute idiot as he does so, Damon finally gets up and feels his way over to Kai’s princess bed. Awkwardly, he searches for the covers and lifts them up. He lies himself down, careful not to wake Kai.
Damon knows he shouldn’t have done this, and he regrets it the second he gets a glance at Kai’s tranquil countenance as he slept. How envious that pretty little expression of Kai’s was.
“Mm… Damon?” Kai murmurs suddenly, half-asleep. He shuffles and turns to face Damon.
In all his annoyance, Damon ignores the other with a huff.
“… Hehe. You did wanna sleep in the bed…” Kai pokes fun at Damon through giggles. The pair can barely see each other, but Damon can make out a sort of relief in Kai’s half-lidded eyes. “Heh… That’s so funny… You’re so weird…” Kai says dreamily, clearly in a sort of sleepy delirium.
“Obviously,” Damon retorts, an annoyed sigh leaving his lips. “Don’t act like you weren’t trying to convince me to sleep here, anyway.”
“Don’t be mean! I mean, c’mon—aren’t you scared? I’m scared… That’s why, I’m glad you’re here…” Kai says, his voice trailing off into a barely-audible murmur near the end of his sentence. Damon would’ve missed the final bit, if not for the silence of the bedroom.
Suddenly, Kai had apparently realized what he said, and began backtracking. “Shit, I dunno why I’m telling you this… Ignore me, ‘kay, Damon?” Kai dismisses quickly.
Kai then yawns and turns back over. Damon wishes he could do the same, but something aches painfully in Damon’s chest. The loneliness, fear, and affection, that he’s kept locked away overwhelms him. Acting coldly, or isolating himself, neither thing can rid Damon’s persisting feelings that he wants to trust others. Of course he does, but he simply can’t let himself, not in this sick game that relies on deceit.
Damon feels hot tears prick his eyes.
Angrily, he immediately blinks them away and stares at the ceiling yet again.
He wants reply, tell Kai something—whether that something was cruel or comforting, he couldn’t decide—but he can’t muster any words either way.
Damon startles. Kai’s arm had gently fallen over Damon’s chest, which broke his train of thought. While Damon was torturing himself with his thoughts, Kai must’ve fallen asleep.
He thought that, but Kai suddenly mutters something to the effect of “don’t leave.” Before Damon can even process that, Kai’s also nuzzled himself onto Damon’s shoulder as if he were a plush toy.
Embarrassingly enough, Damon can feel Kai’s soft breath on his neck. His cheeks tinge pink as Kai cuddles onto him, seemingly mistaking him for a pillow or something.
How utterly ridiculous. Kai was terribly reckless, even in his slumber.
This affection, it only pisses Damon off. Damon absolutely despises the warmth that came from Kai’s naivety.
Damon could, hypothetically, still kill Kai in a multitude of ways right now. Yet, Kai still clings onto him, because he trusts Damon like the absolute idiot he is. The amount of control Kai’s given up is enough evidence for that.
Even then, even though he knows he should, Damon doesn’t push Kai off. He shouldn’t allow such inane acts to continue, so why wouldn’t he push him off? How desperate was Damon for some sort of solace? He didn’t need another person forcing him to succumb to some silly feelings.
Yet something about Kai’s warmth is so addictively sweet, just like Eva’s words, and Damon can’t resist it all the same.
Damon shuffles so that he can face Kai, who’s luckily still asleep. His dyed-pink hair had fallen in front of his puffy, shut eyes. And Damon hated to admit it, but Kai was simply ethereal.
Damon put a hand up to Kai reluctantly, before pulling it back to himself, then putting it out again. Slowly, gently, he brings it to Kai’s hair. Simply brushes some pink strands behind his ear.
He wished terribly so he could be as simple-minded as Kai was. Kai’s serene slumber brought Damon, who was sure to become an insomniac, jealousy.
… What the fuck was he doing or thinking? Damon thinks as he harshly pulls his hand back. With an agitated sigh, Damon shuffles to face the dark ceiling once more. He’d probably end up disappointed in himself once he woke up the next day, still under Kai’s covers. Even knowing that, Damon just can’t bring himself to leave.
It’s cruel. Just cruel.
That was the last fully formed thought Damon had as he drifted into a shallow slumber. His dreams are littered with crows.