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It all began when your boyfriend had returned home after a mission and brought his partner along with him. You usually kept out of his work life, making the decision that the less you know about his murdery cult friends, the better. However, you made an exception when he told you that the organization headquarters was completely lacking in food.
“None of them can go grocery shopping for themselves?” You chuckled, gathering ingredients from the pantry. Dinner for three would require just a little more prep than usual.
“Nope, they’re all a bunch of children,” Kisame sighed. He leaned against the doorway as he watched you work, pretending not to hear his partners dramatic cries of hunger from the living room.
When you finally served the two a hearty meal, Hidan was quick to express his gratitude.
“This is fuckin’ GOOD!” he exclaimed. He had gone back for seconds about five minutes into the meal. “I might come here after every mission!”
Since that moment, you had pretty much adopted nine adults.
You were usually visited after missions. People usually wanted a meal from you, craving your homemade meals and enjoying the experience of a home with an actual heating system. Eventually, people started staying the night at your house. It wasn’t much of a bother at first, since it was just one person sleeping on your couch, but it quickly devolved into a mess when four people showed up on one night.
“I WAS HERE FIRST,” Hidan yelled, “I DESERVE TO GET THE COUCH!”
“I WAS LITERALLY RIGHT BEHIND YOU, THAT HARDLY MAKES YOU FIRST,” Deidara responded. The two had been in a yelling match for about five minutes before you stepped in. Behind them, Tobi and Sasori waited for your interruption.
All you had to do was count.
“One,” you started, and the men continued yelling.
“Two,” and Deidara went quiet.
“Do NOT make me count to three, Hidan.”
He paused his yelling to look at you in surprise. Upon seeing your face, he stopped completely.
“What is the issue here, boys?”
Sasori was the one to speak this time. “We all came here to stay for the night, but you only have one couch.”
Next was Tobi. “Hidan thinks he should get the couch but Tobi thinks it belongs to Tobi!”
“Nobody really cares what you think, Tobi,” Hidan spat. You held out a threatening pointer finger at him in response, and he stiffened.
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” you sighed. “I’m going to get out some blankets and we’re going to move some stuff around to fit all of you.”
“Who gets the couch?” Deidara asked.
“I’ll tell you after we’ve set everything up.”
Tobi was the first to spring up to your side. He came to the closet with you and passed out all the blankets you owned while you searched for pillows. You even took one from your bed, despite the annoyance.
Deidara spread the blankets out on the floor, creating three separate bed spaces. He decided that whoever slept on the couch would get the itchy blanket as payback.
Hidan pushed the couch out of the way, humming to himself as he did so. He pushed the coffee table next and you cringed as it made the most ear-piercing screech. He made no attempt to push the table in a more smooth manner.
Sasori basically did nothing besides stand out of your way, which you appreciated more than anything else. The spot on the couch ended up going toward him, since he was seemingly the only person that did not desperately want the couch, and you were doing your very best to discourage these boys from turning your home into a bed and breakfast.
It definitely didn’t work, though, because the same situation happened a week later. After they had basically raided your pantry and gave you another headache over sleeping situations, you demanded that any further hospitality had to be paid for.
When you awoke the next morning, the living room had been (mostly) put back together and an envelope was sitting on the kitchen table, inside a stack of bills that you were happy to accept. With the newfound money, you went to the store and some materials and then hit your village’s secondhand store for an assortment of blankets, fabric, and stuffing.
By the time your next bundle of excitement had arrived, you had sewn and prepared three handmade mattresses. They were made using mostly scrap fabric and what you could find at the thrift store - they weren’t the most comfortable, but it was far better than sleeping on the floor and gave you a fun project to do over the next few weeks.
Kisame had arrived this time, greeting you with a hug and a gentle kiss to your cheek. It had been almost a week since you last saw him, and you were missing him dearly.
“There’s a lot of us tonight, are you sure you can handle it?” He asked, both hands on your hips. You smiled and nodded.
“I have no idea, but we’ll see, won’t we?”
Kisame laughed, sending waves of warmth through your chest as you heard his hearty laughter echo through the house.
Itachi, Deidara, Hidan, and Tobi were at your house now. Itachi and Kisame just returned from a mission, but the other three were just visiting for fun at this point. Itachi was kind enough to help with the cooking and his skill was unmatched; the man had perfectly cooked everything, down to making the most delicious rice you’d ever eaten. After dinner, you began delegating tasks.
“Deidara, you’re on dish duty.” He groaned loudly.
“Hidan, go take a shower, you smell bad.” Hidan began to protest, but everyone interrupted in agreement to your statement. He went to shower.
“Tobi, please help Kisame set up for bed.” Tobi simply gave a thumbs up and began pulling blankets and pillows from the corner of the living room that you now stored them in. Kisame complained about having to help, but you were very quick to remember how this all began.
Since Itachi had made the dinner, you were excusing him from further tasks. The two of you just sat at the kitchen table and absorbed the moment of peace.
“Thank you for allowing us to stay,” Itachi stated, glancing up from the book he was reading. You nodded.
“It’s no problem, really.”
“No, it certainly is a problem. They can be very difficult to deal with, but you seem to have adapted to the role quite well. I’m impressed.”
You shrugged and sighed, dragging a hand through your hair. “It was really annoying, but then it became kinda fun, you know? It’s like having kids without the raising part.”
Itachi just hummed in response. “I suppose they do provide ample entertainment.”
When the group had arrived two weeks after their previous stay, you had been prepared. You had stocked up on dry goods a few days prior and even finished putting together an additional blanket to replace the itchy one that had balanced out the bliss of sleeping on the couch. This new blanket wasn’t very great at being warm, but it provided enough comfort for its guests who were famously undeserving of hospitality.
In additional preparation, you purchased more plates and utensils than you’d ever thought you would need. The amount of dishes that had to be done after their company had almost put you into a coma, and you decided that dishes were now a chore for anyone who dared seek shelter in your home.
Kisame was the first to arrive this time, Itachi following shortly. The two looked quite disheveled from their mission, but Kisame still flashed a grin on his way to the shower, a large towel and pile of clothes in hand. Itachi’s ponytail had been removed entirely and his hair was tangled wildly – you briefly wondered what kind of activities the two always got up to during these missions, but then you decided it was probably better to not think about it at all.
“Do you know how many are coming tonight?” You asked Itachi, preparing some tea. He nodded gently.
“All of us, I believe. Kakuzu will be joining us for the first time, as well as Konan and Pain. Those two don’t plan on staying, however. They just want to ensure the space is safe.”
You smiled. “Yeah, ‘cause my house is so dangerous compared to whatever you guys do every day.”
Itachi hummed. “Safe in a different context, I suppose. They’ll likely invade your privacy and interrogate you in case you have any ulterior motives in regards to our organization.”
You nodded and turned your back to Itachi, taking the now-whistling kettle off the stove. “Well, Kisame and I have been together for a while now. If I was some sort of spy, that would mean I’d have to know something about the Akatsuki. I’ve been very intentional about not knowing anything, for the sake of everyone involved.”
“I understand,” Itachi nodded. “It’s much better for you to know nothing, both for your own conscience and protection.”
You handed the mug to Itachi and offered some milk and sugar, to which he declined politely. Deciding that the conversation was no longer as lighthearted as you wanted it to be, you switched to an easier topic.
“So, any ideas for dinner this evening? If you’d like to help with the cooking, I’ll give you the couch tonight. Cooking for ten seems quite a daunting task for me.” You smiled at Itachi and offered a list of ingredients that you had stocked up on. He graciously accepted and rummaged through your cabinets for a moment.
Kisame had returned from his shower. There was still a wave of heat radiating from his body, telling you that he needed the boiling water to relax his muscles today. It must have been an intense mission.
Kisame put an arm around your shoulder as he watched Itachi repeatedly open cabinets, making mental notes of your inventory and what he planned on using that night.
“Looks like you two are carrying a heavy burden tonight, cooking for Kakuzu and Pain,” Kisame laughed. You glanced up at him, watching his gills flex with his smile.
“Why’s that? Picky eaters?” You asked.
“Pain is picky, Kakuzu’s just an asshole. He’ll use any opportunity to talk shit about your cooking.”
You rolled your eyes, already disliking the man. “Well, this is my house. I’m not going to put up with that.”
Kisame clicked his tongue. “ You kinda have to, ‘cause he’ll kill anyone that pisses him off. But don’t worry, I’ll defend your honor.”
“You better,” you called as you headed to the living room to pull out the blankets, “or else these sleepovers are done!”
By the time Itachi had returned from his own shower, more guests had arrived. Deidara and Tobi had arrived together, each of them talking over each other about two completely different topics. It seemed like neither of them were listening to the other.
Kakuzu and Hidan were next to arrive. Kisame had greeted them at the door, then promptly sprinted to block your vision before you had a chance to look up. His arms spread to shield your line of sight from Hidan.
“I forgot to tell you one key piece of information about Hidan,” Kisame warned. You held a look of confusion and fear, beckoning him to continue.
“He’s kinda immortal, but that’s a whole long story that you do not want to talk to him about. He gets real annoying about it. Anyway, the most important thing to know right now is that he’s headless and it’s normal.”
After a second of comprehension, you ducked your head under Kisame’s arms and found a shocking sight. Kakuzu (who looked even weirder than Hidan did, really) was standing next to his partner, who was currently headless and carrying his own skull in his arms. Instantly, your stomach started to turn, and you decided to head to the kitchen and see how dinner was coming along.
Itachi was still cutting up vegetables and placing them in a pot. You joined him in this task, eventually watching the curry turn a delicious color and start filling the home with an enchanting scent. Right as you were finishing up with the last bit of chopping, Kisame peaked through the doorway.
“Hidan’s head is attached now, by the way. It’s safe to come out now.”
You nodded slowly, trying to pretend like that was a normal sentence. “Thanks for letting me know, Kisame.”
After Kisame had left, Itachi spoke up.
“I don’t think I have to say this, but I’d advise against learning anything about Hidan.”
“Yeah,” you sighed wearily, “I think it’s best if I just pretend like that didn’t happen.”
“It will happen again,” Itachi stated, “it’s the only reason him and Kakuzu work together. You don’t need to know the specifics, but Hidan can survive just about anything. Kakuzu can use him as a punching bag all he needs, so he often ends up walking around without a head or some limbs.”
You paused. “That sounds horrifying to see.”
“In our line of work, it is not. The most important thing you need to know about Hidan, however, is that he is obsessed with his religion and will use any excuse to talk about it. Do not, under any circumstances, ask him about his immortality or his religion. You will not escape that conversation.”
You smiled and giggled, letting the nerves release just a little with Itachi’s dry humor. Just as your weariness was beginning to settle, you heard a large crash in your living room. Your instincts told you to go investigate, but Itachi insisted on doing it for you. You stood over the stove and stirred the curry, watching the vegetables transform the dish.
When Itachi returned, he assured you that the issue had been dealt with. Sasori had arrived and instantly got into an argument with Deidara, who then threw a kunai and missed completely, which shattered a vase. Itachi said that Kisame was standing over Deidara and watching him put every piece back together. “It was like a shark stalking its prey,” Itachi said.
The last two guests, Konan and Pain, arrived just moments before you were about to announce dinner. Luckily, you had just enough space for everyone to sit at the table - Itachi sat at one end of the table with Kisame and you at his sides. On the other end, Pain sat with Konan and Sasori. The others claimed their spots quickly and quietly argued.
“Y/N,” Pain said shortly after everyone started eating, “thank you for your hospitality. I’m sure that many of these individuals are not easy to manage, and yet you still allow them to stay.”
Was that a question? His piercing eyes were already making you uncomfortable.
“Uhm, yeah, it’s no problem! I mean, I never intended for so many people to be here, but I’ve enjoyed getting to know everyone and giving them a warm place to stay. I know they probably don’t see many home-cooked meals these days.”
“And how much have you gotten to know them?” Pain asked. The rest of the table had gone mostly quiet, with snide comments being made to others every few seconds. Even among this timid conversation, Deidara and Tobi couldn’t help acting like toddlers.
“Uh, not much,” you giggled nervously, “I don’t, um, I don’t really want to know anything about like, your, or, uh, their work. Just like to talk about hobbies and stuff!”
Kisame was starting to laugh at your nerves. He decided to save you. “They’re fine, they know nothing about the organization.” He nodded toward the middle of the table. “These guys are idiots, but they’re not stupid enough to say anything.”
Pain tilted his head. “Well, you’re not very useful in this conversation. You’re quite biased.”
Kisame leaned back and shrugged. He took a bite of his food. “That’s all I gotta say.”
Deidara chimed in. “The only one stupid enough to say anything about the organization here is Tobi, hn.”
Tobi cried dramatically, of course. He tried to defend himself, but Pain cut him off once more. “What reason do you have for hosting so many people?”
You were even more nervous now. Even though you honestly had zero intention of doing anything nefarious around the Akatsuki, you started to panic about your answers. “Um, I just like Kisame? We’ve been together for a long time now, and it’s just a nice thing to do, to host his friends…”
“Kisame is NOT my friend,” Kakuzu chimed in. Hidan laughed.
“Uh, coworkers, then!” You corrected. Kisame laughed as well.
Pain dropped the subject and everyone continued to eat. While most complimented the food, Kakuzu was quick to say that the potatoes were undercooked. Luckily, Hidan was at your defense before Kisame even had the chance to speak up. “Oh, shut it, Y/N’s cooking is delicious and you know it!”
Pain had continued to ask you questions throughout the remainder of the dinner, just less obviously interrogative ones. He wanted to know about your job, about your hobbies, about what you spend your time doing every day. You didn’t enjoy being the center of attention in such a large group of people, but you answered with the understanding that Pain was the one in charge here.
Once dinner was done, people crowded into the living room to chat and decompress. There was still plenty of time before lights out, so Deidara and Kisame started a game of Poker. As a spectator, you watched Kisame perfectly manipulate Deidara into playing into his hand, creating the perfect opportunity for Kisame to win a few dollars. The stakes were low, but Deidara still threw his cards across the room in anger. This only made Kisame laugh, but discomfort only fluttered in your stomach.
After someone had thrown a kunai into your wall at the same time that Pain asked you another interrogative question, you were completely fed up. Everything was too loud, too much . There was too much everything going on, and you needed to set some boundaries. The only way to do this, of course, was to start yelling as you stood up on the coffee table.
“OKAY,” you yelled, “I’m already getting sick of you guys. If you’re going to stay here, then I’m going to set some boundaries. If you can’t follow them, or don’t want to, then get the fuck out of my house .” Kisame started clapping in support.
“First of all, stop throwing weapons and breaking shit in my house. If you break something, you need to repair it before you leave. I don’t care if theres a microscopic hole in my wall from your kunai, I want that shit patched and painted before you even think about going to sleep.”
You took a breath. Your cheeks were beginning to turn red in embarrassment. “Second, I do not want to see headless people or blood or whatever you guys have going on in your lives. You can shower here, but I expect people to show up with all limbs intact and your mouths shut. I don’t want to hear about your jobs, for everyone’s sake.”
“Third, leave me the fuck alone after I go to bed. I do not want to hear arguments, or yelling, or any signs of life while I’m trying to sleep. I don’t care if it’s too cold, you need to grow up and find a blanket yourself.”
“Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, anyone who stays here is going to have to do something for me in return. Whether its chores or money, you need to be pulling your weight somehow. I’m not washing dishes for ten fucking people and I need a way to afford all this food.”
With another deep breath, you stepped down from the table. “I enjoy having you guys around here, but I will not be a parent to nine toddlers. I’m happy to help, but jesus. ” You collapsed into Kisame on the couch, relaxing your eyes as the stunned silence faded into conversation. He rubbed your shoulder gently.
“That was badass,” he whispered into your ear. “Super hot.”
You groaned. “It needed to be said, I can’t be taking care of nine man-babies without some ground rules.”
Kisame laughed, then pondered for a moment. “Wait, nine?”
You nodded. “You’re included in that, don’t think these rules don’t apply to you.”
He smiled. “What, I can’t get an exemption?”
“I don’t pick favorites,” you smiled. Kisame gave you a kiss on your head and leaned in closer, ensuring you were the only one to hear him.
“How about I return your hospitality later tonight?”
A blush crept to your cheeks and you playfully pushed him away. “We’ll see about that.”
Konan and Pain left a few minutes after your speech. Pain had given you and Kisame a firm nod, which only left you with more questions. Kisame was beaming at the approval after the two had left.
Tobi had offered to do the dishes, which you graciously accepted. Everyone else did some sort of cleaning or preparation for the evening. Although Hidan loudly complained about Itachi getting the couch, he was quickly reminded of Itachi’s contribution earlier with his delicious meal. Hidan mumbled about learning how to cook.
When you had said goodnight to the boys, you reminded them of the rules. Tobi promised to follow them, which prompted Deidara and Hidan to verbally agree as well. Kakuzu and Sasori didn’t say anything, but you weren’t too worried about their behavior at the moment. With a smile, you walked down the hall and into your bedroom.
You shut the door behind you, locked it, and turned to Kisame, who was laying patiently in bed.
“I think I’ll take you up on that offer, Kisame.”