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Seokjin woke up in the middle of the night. Something felt wrong. It was like there was a feeling in his chest, almost tightening for no reason. At first he thought it was a heart attack, but there was no logical explanation for that; he cut out caffeine a while ago and didn’t have any health issues besides anxiety.
He sat up, pushing the blanket off of his legs. Maybe he just needed to use the bathroom again. It wasn’t like this was an abnormal thing for him, so he got up. He turned on the lamp beside his bed and yawned as he pushed himself onto his feet. They felt swollen, but that was also his normal; it’d go away by the time he made it back.
He opened up his door, yawning once more. He walked down the hall, trying to be quiet, but he heard something. At first he figured that it was Jungkook’s phone, since he never slept when they were on break. Seokjin thought that was stupid really, but the maknae stopped listening to him as much the day he turned 20. Seokjin scoffed, but he heard the noise again. It was from Namjoon’s room.
He knew Namjoon never slept during album preparations, but the album was released about a month or two ago. Usually he’d be getting sleep or out getting drinks, but no. He was awake. Seokjin may have thought that he just wanted to stay up for once, but when he really thought about it, Namjoon had been acting weird lately.
On the days that they’d go out to eat, he’d play with and push his food around. Hoseok or Jimin were always the ones to point it out, but Namjoon would just say, “I’m not hungry I had a big breakfast,” or, “I’m on a diet,” and they shrugged it off. Other times, Namjoon would just stay in the studio until energy drinks and tequila covered his desk then Yoongi would drag him home.
The more and more Seokjin thought about it, Namjoon just sounded depressed. Maybe he was. He sighed, pushing his ear to his door. He knew that he shouldn’t be invading his privacy, but out of curiosity and concern, he did it anyway. It was sniffling—faint, but still present. It almost like a pillow was covering the sound
Again, Seokjin knew that he shouldn’t be doing this, but he twisted the door knob. He hated to think that Namjoon was hurting alone when he could be talking to someone—to him. They were close, right? They hung out more than anyone in the group, and were always more affectionate with each other rather than others. Seokjin clenched his jaw, how could he have not payed more attention?
He opened the door now, walking in before shutting it behind himself. Namjoon scrambled to sit up, wiping his eyes and pushing the pillow off to the side. He didn’t turn on the light though, just spoke in a cracked voice. “Seokjin-hyung? What are you.. shouldn’t you be in bed? It’s late, I mean.”
“Couldn’t sleep.” He walked over to Namjoon’s lamp, turning it on. He didn’t try to stop him, just slumped back into his bed more. He looked down as Seokjin sat down next to him. He finally saw the tears that proved his theory. “Oh, Namjoon-ah. What’s wrong?”
“Hyung, it’s nothing.” He lied, but Seokjin knew. It wasn’t hard to tell, but he knew him. Even when he was at his worst, Namjoon hated to admit he needed help. But he understood.
“Please, just tell me.” Seokjin reached out his hand for Namjoon’s, tapping it gently before taking it into his. His thumb grazed over his fingers, attempting to soothe him as his head ducked lower to get a better look at his friend. He was already tearing up again, clenching his jaw and closing his eyes.
Namjoon felt the lump in his throat, and the ache in his chest. There was nothing that he could do to push him away now and he hated that, but also telling someone would make him feel infinitely better. He finally swallowed, and before he knew it his body was shaking and tears poured out. He couldn’t think about anything else but his own head—oh, how he hated every thought he had.
Seokjin’s face instantly shifted from concern to empathy. He knew exactly how that felt. It happened with Yoongi one too many times, but now he was the one on the other end with their leader. The one who always kept it together; the one who took more care of others than himself. It almost felt unusual, but he couldn’t find himself to care in the moment.
He shifted his body fully onto the bed, crossing his legs together and facing Namjoon. “Hey, hey, look at me.”
Namjoon did, but just barely. His lips, eyes, and everything about his face in general. It hardly looked like him at all. Seokjin just cooed. “Oh, Namjoon-ah..”
Seokjin gently took his face, running his hair through his short black hair. Namjoon felt the tears just pour out of his eyes once more. Whatever he was thinking before completely diminished when his hyung pulled him into his chest. A hug. Seokjin rubbed his hands up and down his back, resting his chin on his shoulder. It pained him to see Namjoon like this, but that wasn’t the point now. He needed him.
“Hyung, m’sorry—stressed—“
“Shh. You don’t have to explain yourself, okay? I’m here, hyung’s here. I’m here to listen, yeah?”
Namjoon didn’t respond, just merely nodded. Explaining himself almost felt like a second instinct now; he always had to explain his ideas, how he felt, what English words meant, what things in general meant—it was tiring to be doing that on a daily basis. He loved being the leader, he truly did, but having to explain and be in charge of everything and everyone on his team—hell, even the talking in the interviews, or getting them around in different countries—it was all exhausting. Every emotion he bottled up from the past, present, and now future just spilled onto Seokjin.
After a few minutes though, he finally calmed down. Namjoon leaned up a bit, unclenching his fist from Seokjin’s shirt. He hardly even realized he was doing so until he felt the ache in his joints. His eyes felt and looked swollen, and his lips made it feel impossible to talk, yet he still tried. “Hyung I’m— I’m sorry for—“
“For what? You have nothing to be sorry for, Namjoon-ah. It’s normal to cry, you know that right?”
“Yes but it’s late and you should be sleeping and—“
“I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Let’s talk about you. Do you want me to stay with you until the morning? Do you wanna talk or do you need water or something?”
Namjoon shook his head, taking a long breath in and holding it. He thought for a second, and then nodded. “Please stay, hyung.”
Seokjin whispered an okay, deciding not to press any further on the responses to his other questions. He knew he’d tell him at some point, and honestly he could tell Namjoon was struggling to stay awake at all.
He got up from the bed, grabbing a blanket that had fallen to the ground. It was soft, it was Namjoon’s favorite, and he was going to be staying here anyway. Seokjin then crawled back into the bed, lying beside the younger. There were no words exchanged, just the silent agreement. It was nice, because although they all had separate rooms now, occasionally they’d sleep together for comfort. It had been a while since then, but it didn’t feel awkward.
“Goodnight, Joonie. Please sleep well, okay? Get rest.”
“M’kay..” was all he could get out, and he fell asleep quite quickly. Seokjin gently rubbed his hand up and down his forearm attempting to calm him more, before he finally fell asleep himself.