Work Text:
Costia used to tell me about shooting stars all the time. We spent many moments watching the stars with our hands clasped and backs cold from the ground. I was always fascinated with the universe above us. In times of overwhelming stress, I would gaze up at the stars with Costia taking out my braids. I was at peace.
It was short lived. Azgeda took her away from me and in turn, took away my peace.
Costia was my first love. She usually is. I assume the universe has me love Costia first to show me loss. I do not always take it well. Sometimes she dies peacefully. Slipping away in the night through some sort of strange condition. Sometimes she dies quickly. Dying in an instant after a car crash. Sometimes she dies brutally. Decapitated at the hands of a neighbor clan.
I did not take her death so well this time. I stopped looking towards the stars for guidance. I felt as though I would be cheating on Costia if I did. It was our thing. It was ours and I didn’t know how to do it alone.
Many months passed. I grew colder. Colder than Azgeda and Nia herself. I believed that if I let myself feel, I would be weak and if I let myself be weak, I would die. I had a duty to my people.
On a particularly stressful night however, I gazed upon the stars. The first time in a while. I’ve never seen a shooting star at that point, but I saw one that night. I wished upon it as Costia said I should. I wished for happiness. I wished for peace.
_______________
It was not a shooting star. It was you. I forgot about you for a while. With my people to lead and conflicts to end, I forgot about you. My one true love.
I didn’t realize until our eyes met. The blue of your eyes reminded me of the sky and took me back to our previous life. It was before the war. We used to look towards the clouds and you used to take my hand to trace the ridiculous shapes your imagination came up with.
I suppose it was love at first sight, but I’ve loved you for so many lives it didn’t feel like an instantaneous realization. It felt like home. It felt like happiness. It felt like peace.
Costia was right. Wishes do come true if you wish upon a shooting star.
_____________
I wish this universe was as kind as our last.
We went to some sort of lesson together. I do not recall what it was called. However, I believe it was similar to the training I do for my nightbloods. It was less violent though. We learned arithmetic and the history of our world. Something I wish we had in this life.
You were there for Costia’s death. It was the car crash. I remember that vividly. I was there. She died on impact, but I lived on with broken bones, cuts, and a broken heart. You and I...we were the closest of friends. I trusted you with my life and you trusted me with yours. You helped me grieve. Something I could not do in this life.
We became lovers. We did what we normally did, but added kisses, embraces, and love making. We shared more of our secrets and all of our stories. Something we could not do in this life.
We became each other’s wives. A beautiful ceremony with your family and mine. Something we could not have in this life.
We had children. Only one, but he was loved by us dearly. In this life, he goes by Aden. I taught him how to fight against the other children that would hurt him because you and I were women and in love. That universe was strange, but still kind. You taught him how to express his feelings through art and speaking to us. We taught him and he had a wonderful life. We were a beautiful family. Something we could not be in this life.
We grew old together. Hearing was difficult for the both of us, but I was tuned to your voice. I could catch it in a room full of 300 people. Our bones and muscles ached from years of impromptu sessions of dancing in our eating area. Our faces had laugh lines from countless jokes you and I told each other. We watched each other get wrinkle after wrinkle. I fell more in love with you with each passing year. You drew a portrait of me each year. In our final years, even with your shaky hands, you managed to draw the most beautiful pictures of me. Years of memories. Something we cannot share in this life.
We died together. It was separated by less than a day. I remember us both getting ill. Possibly from old age. We were hospitalized together. Our son, unfortunately I do not remember the name he went by, visited us every day. We were ready to go. We had a lifetime of memories together. A lifetime of happiness. A lifetime of peace. Something impossible in this life.
I hope that in our next life together, it is more kind than the impossibility of this one. I hope it is similar to our previous life.
_________________
I’m aware again. I say this in my new life. I have a new name. Alicia Clark. Funny how I can’t even reincarnate without you already a part of me. I don’t know the technicalities. I don’t know why I become aware at random points in my life, but I am. I’m aware and god do I miss you, Clarke.
The outbreak started. I’m afraid that even if we do meet in this life, it won’t be as kind as our one before last, my love.
Costia came in the form of a man in this life. That’s never happened before, but I loved him. His name was Matt. He was sick and he died. I couldn’t even stay by his side while he drew his last breaths. I miss him too.
I hate that I became aware before I even met you. You could already be one of them for all I know. I hope not.
I’ve stayed the same. I hope you look the same. It took me ages to figure out that Matt was my Costia. I knew he wasn’t you, but I couldn’t figure out if this life was different or what.
It’s scary. I have no real power. After becoming aware, I have the increasing urge to tell people what to do. I just have the urge to be the commander that I know is within me. Those things… I’m not even sure what we call them. They eat people, Clarke. They’re horrible. They’re killers. They’re like reapers, but they can’t be changed back. They die and they come back to life. Not like us. Not like Costia. They come back in this life and they kill. What’s scarier is the more they kill, the more those things are born.
This life is not much better than our last. However, I still want you. I don’t have a duty to my people. I’m just me. Alicia Clark. I miss you, Clarke.
__________________
After months, I found you. Your golden hair and your blue eyes. I almost gave up hope. Almost. But as I was stumbling through the woods trying to find the traps I set for food, there you were. Standing tall with a gun in your hand and shouting orders to the 5 or 6 men around you. Beautiful. You are so beautiful and it strikes me every time. You look the same as in our last life. I can see the weight you have on your back though. It was the same as what I had for the years I lead my people. You are a leader here. You are a leader with your sky people, but here...here you are like the commander it seems. All powerful.
I stepped on a twig and you almost shot at me. I’m glad you didn’t. That would have been a terribly anticlimactic life.
Your name is Elyza Lex in this life. Funny how I took part of your name and you took part of mine. You truly are my one true love.
You let me and my family into your group. Your people were not too pleased. Our roles have switched since our last life, Elyza.
______________
Life is not easy. Every day is about surviving. I’ve had to tell you many times that life is about more than just surviving. I’m using your own words on you.
This life is less cruel than our last though.
We’re girlfriends. We made it official. Something we never got to do in our last life.
We said “I love you” to each other. It was sweet and in the quiet of the night. We had our own little room within our compound and we had just finished a run to get more supplies.
I’m great at hand to hand combat so I wield two swords. We found them at some rich guy’s house we found. You were surprised with my ability, but if only you knew who I was in our last life. Our faces had blood splattered on them.
I wiped your face as you wiped mine and we stared into each other’s eyes. I saw the sky with which you came from in our last life and the clouds we watched in the one before. A part of me believes you saw the trees with which I ruled in our last life and the grass we laid upon in the one before. You whispered “I love you” and I whispered it right back. Something we never uttered in our last life.
We made love. Slowly. Without a time constraint. I let my hands roam every part of your body and you did the same with mine. I memorized each mark and curve. Each scar and dip. It was slow and powerful. We laid in each other’s embrace for hours the following morning and we had even more time to love each other after. Something we couldn’t have in our last life.
We got married. Seems crazy in a world full of the walking dead, but we did it. You found a walker with a ring and cut it right off. I thought it was romantic. You cleaned it and proposed. Obviously I said yes. There was no ceremony. We had walkers to kill and mouths to feed. We just let it be known that we were indeed each other’s wives. We found a jewelry store on one of our runs and I found a ring for you. You found another one for me. The one for you had a slightest tint of green and the one for me had the slightest tint of blue. We vowed to always be with each other. We became each other’s wives. Something we never had the time to do in our last life.
Death struck us. We were met with a hoard. Just a small group of us. Only 4 or 5 people against a ton of walkers. We ended up killing all of them, but life couldn’t be that easy. You were bit. Right on your side. We couldn’t amputate anything. You were going to die. I told the others to leave us. I sounded more like myself in my last life than I ever have with your people. I almost laughed, but you were dying. I held you in my arms and whispered sweet nothings.
I told you, “Death is not the end” and you laughed and said “you’re damn right, Alicia. We become walkers.” You laughed as you said that and I fell more in love with you.
You didn’t know that we meet in every life. You said, “You’re my soulmate. I hope we meet in some other life without these damn things eating us.” We cried together.
Then, I whispered something you never heard before in this life. “In peace, may you leave this shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again.” You didn’t quite understand parts of the quote and I knew that, but I remember you whispering it to me in our last life and feeling so safe. I needed you to feel that too. I know you wanted me to kill you, but I couldn’t. I let you die. I let you turn. I let you kill me. We weren’t conscious as walkers, but we will be in our next life. I’m about to become aware in my next life. I’m not too sure where I’ll be, but I know we will meet again.
Death struck us. Something that happened in our last life, every life before, and every life after, but death is not the end. We will meet again.