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Remus hung his face over a mug of black coffee. Just a month ago, he would have ordered a cappuccino. It sounded dramatic, but it was true. He needed the acidic sting. It was not enough to heighten his senses back to what they were before anyway, but it was something.
Above all else, he missed Sirius. He was of course heartbroken about Lily and James’ death, but they were really gone. It was easier to make your peace with that than with the love of your life being in a magical prison designed to make him suffer. Remus felt as though he understood at least a scrap of the psychological pain Sirius was in. They had both lost people that night.
Remus did not believe Sirius was the spy. Even though it seemed obvious, he couldn’t accept it. Sirius loved James more than anything. He would never do that, he would never undo all the work distancing himself from what his family believed. Dumbledore had already written Sirius off, immediately telling everyone that Sirius betrayed The Order.
Peter was a more difficult topic. If Sirius wasn’t the spy, why would he kill Peter? Did he kill Peter? If Sirius didn’t betray, who was the secret keeper? The memories muddled in Remus’ brain. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to remember them or not.
Remus opened the box in front of him. He had kept every letter Sirius had sent him over the past 3 years. Sometimes, they had to be apart, and it was incredibly difficult for both of them. They wrote to each other whenever they could, but it wasn’t enough. Remus wished they had had more time.
He picked up the first letter.
Dear Remus,
It has only been one day. One day, and I already miss you. I look up at the moon and I see your face. I wish it could really be you, so you could be with me every night. But you cannot be, so this letter will have to be a substitute.
The time I have spent with you throughout the years changed me a lot more than I ever realised before. I remember the first weeks of our first year. You kept away from me, James and Peter. I foolishly wondered how anyone could not want to be around us three – me and James were just so cool! I tried to force you to talk to me, but later I learned to give you space.
For the first four years of knowing each other, you slowly taught me kindness, patience and respect. Emphasis on slowly. I was not a good person back then, and I hope you agree I have learned since then.
Then in fifth year… Well, you know what was in fifth year. It was painful how much I wanted you but didn’t realise it. You taught me who I am. I’m sorry I made you wait for me that long. It was difficult. My mother’s voice sounded in my head every time I looked at you, but I didn’t know why. It’s like you unlocked something in me that my family suppressed.
Since then, it feels like the world has been slower. Everything was right, finally everything fell into place. You completed me, and I hope I have been something similar for you. I hope I have been as good for you as you have been for me. You are just so perfect, so beautiful, so right for me.
I want to get home as soon as possible. If it was up to me, I would be in your arms already. Curse Dumbledore and his stupid quests. Hopefully you’re doing alright over there. I promise the moment I get back I’ll come right to you.
Love,
Sirius Orion Black
Remus dropped the letter back onto the table, careful not to let his tears fall onto it. He had another box as well, one Dumbledore handed him the day before. The box Sirius kept Remus’ letters in. He opened it with trembling hands. He remembered vaguely what he wrote, but if he was already making himself relive this, he might as well go all out.
Sirius,
How have you been? I had lunch with James and Lily today.
I hope you can come back soon.
Remus
Sirius,
When you get back, I’m taking you to a new restaurant
I saw today. I think you’d like it.
Remus
Sirius,
Today a ginger cat followed me into our flat.
It is mine now, you don’t get a say in it.
Remus
Sirius,
I’m struggling to find a birthday present for Mary.
Do you know what she’d like?
Remus
The box was full of these little notes, as well as longer letters. Remus felt the need to share the small things that happened each day. It was almost like a real, everyday conversation. Somehow Remus thought it was more heartfelt and intimate than full letters. Of course, he did write longer ones, he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t.
Dear Sirius,
I love you. I feel like I don’t say that enough. Of course you know I do, but I should voice it more. I should show you how much you mean to me. You do so much for me, and I need to be able to show you just how much I appreciate it.
I do have doubts. Every day. It eats me alive how it is a possibility that you don’t love me as much as I love you, or that my feelings have been a lie and I don’t know myself at all, but at the end of the day, you make me feel safe. You make me feel loved. You make me feel worth something. You make my life worth living.
I wish you were here right now, a cup of coffee in hand, blabbing on about some quidditch match. Those moments bring me such comfort. The only comfort I have now is hope – hope that we will find each other again.
I swear, sometimes Dumbledore makes me so angry. He knows, Sirius. He knows how much we mean to each other and he still sends us to opposite sides of the country. Star crossed lovers, aren’t we?
Maybe in a few years this whole war will be over and we can be together properly. No battles left to fight, only the family that we will build and become. We can feel safety, love and peace instead of insecurity, hatred and fear.
I cannot write much longer, though if it was up to me I would stay here an eternity, talking to the void, not entirely sure if you will even receive this letter. I must go to a meeting soon – I might be making myself late writing this, but I don’t mind. You are much more important to me than that meeting, than Dumbledore, than anything else in the world.
Remus
Remus stared blankly at the letter. He only read it through once, now he was just looking at the words, the meaning refusing to fully seep into his mind. He wrote it himself, but now he wouldn’t be able to reach that sort of emotion in himself. He just felt so… empty.
His closest friends, the only people he could consider his family, the love of his life, they were all gone. Maybe Sirius wasn’t truly dead, but he was gone forever too, having received maybe an even worse fate than the Potters.
He reached for another letter. Merlin, there were so many of them. He could sit here and reminisce for days. There wasn’t much else left for him to do, was there? The war was over, but instead of spending this time with Sirius, he was spending it all alone, a cup of gone-cold coffee next to the little wooden box that held all of his past love.
Dear Remus,
It’s so boring here without you. I hope you’re doing alright over there. I can’t wait for you to get back, I miss you already and it’s only been two days. I just want my Remus back, you know? I need you.
Question – what’s up with the cat? I feel like we never properly addressed this. He’s just… here. Do you feed him? I’m pretty sure he left the flat a few times, but he’s curled up in front of me right now. I do not know how to take care of cats, this is slightly distressing.
I love the little notes you send me, small bits of insight into a life I wish to share with you, but I don’t think I can send letters like those. I always have more to say. I hope you don’t get bored of my talking.
I love you a lot, Remus, I promise. I promise we will be together no matter what life throws at us. There is nothing Dumbledore or Voldemort or anyone else can change. We are who we are and we will always be those people, people who happen to be in love.
Kisses,
Sirius Orion Black
“We are who we are and we will always be those people, people who happen to be in love”. Remus wondered if that was true. Was Sirius still that person? Was Remus still that person? Was he even capable of loving anymore?
He thought of their cat, alone in the flat right now. He grew to love Sirius so much. To him, it must have been like Sirius was simply wiped off the face of the earth, never to be seen again. There was no explanation for a cat. It must have been so much easier for him.
For Remus, it wasn’t simple. His life had never been that way, and it never would. It would always be difficult. A little piece of him would always be in the past, sitting with his friends instead of alone on a cold restaurant chair.