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Amanda believed she could get along with just about any doctor in the ER, but lately, she was starting to heavily prefer working with Dr. Benson. Well, Olivia, as she was told it was OK to call her that. Amanda had come from a hospital where nurses referred to doctors by their title and last name, so she was surprised when Dr. Benson smiled and said, “Just call me Olivia.”
OK, so that now she was used to that, she had been thinking more about why she liked working with Olivia in the first place. Some of it had to do with the way she interacted with kids who were afraid to be in the hospital, getting on their level and soothing them. Even if a child was angry or refusing to be touched, she knew what to say to make the situation better and win over a parent, techniques and words which she could also adapt to even the most stubborn adult patient. She just had a way with communication and didn’t try to rush people out the door. She was there for as long as they needed her because she knew being in the ER could be one of the worst days of someone’s life, and she didn’t have the same brisk manner or big ego other doctors possessed.
Amanda always wished she could be that kind of nurse. Her earlier nurse managers had told her she seemed too abrasive with patients or in a hurry, making an intake seem more like a police interrogation. She was told to try to be warmer and more down to earth, which would put patients at ease during a stressful and scary time. It may be an emergency room, but she rushed almost a little too much.
It never sat right with her. She didn’t feel her approach meant she didn’t care about her patients; it was just her personality. Her home life had never been the best and she struggled with the challenges of raising her daughter Jessie on her own after she decided she didn’t want the baby’s father, Declan, involved. It helped that her friend Sonny, a pediatrician she’d met during her pregnancy, came to her apartment a few nights a week and took care of Jessie so she could relax or take a shower in peace. Sometimes he’d even cook dinner for them. He seemed nice; she just wasn’t sure if she was in love, and she didn’t want him to think she only wanted him around to play the role of Jessie’s father. All of this made it hard for her to bring more compassion to work.
There was, however, something about Olivia that she liked. It was more than how she carried herself on the job. She didn’t have the same insecurities or worries Amanda did about being a single mom to her adopted son Noah; in fact, she loved her life as a doctor and mother, balancing the two seamlessly. Amanda sometimes almost felt guilty about appreciating Sonny’s help and the circumstances under which Jessie was brought into the world, even though she still loved her daughter very much. She was never in love with Declan and wished she had gotten pregnant when she was in a better place and a stable relationship.
Still, it didn’t feel right to have a crush on a doctor. Part of it felt like a power imbalance. She was supposed to be taking orders from Olivia and collaborating with her on treatments, not picturing how she looked when she wasn’t wearing scrubs and sneakers or what her life was like outside of work.
Before she could keep ruminating, she noticed the staff gathered around the TV in the lounge, so she popped her head in.
“Hey guys, what’s going on?” she asked. She tried to see over everyone’s heads and observed they were looking at a weather map that showed some snow heading in the direction of New York City. “Oh, just the weather report? And it’s going to snow in the winter? Come on, it’s not that exciting.”
“It’s more than that,” Sonny explained. “They’re saying that blizzard that probably would miss us is coming our way after all. The storm changed direction and it should be coming tomorrow.”
“You know what that means,” Molly, one of Amanda’s fellow nurses, chimed in. “Anyone who’s on tomorrow is going to be part of the storm team. We’re here for the duration, so once you get out of here tonight, you’d better stock up on some supplies and pack enough clothes and toiletries.”
Olivia shook her head. “Ugh, I was hoping to finally have some extra time with Noah tomorrow,” she said. “I was only supposed to work a princess shift.” She was referring to a shift where a doctor didn’t have to work their full 12 hours. “I guess I’ll see if Sheila can come over instead; I hope she won’t mind crashing on our couch.”
“Who’s that?” Amanda asked.
“Oh, his grandmother. She’s been a part of his life ever since she found out what happened to Noah. She was estranged from her daughter—his biological mother—and she didn’t even know about his existence until Ellie died in an apartment fire. It was so awkward when she showed up to my apartment and told me about how she got help from an attorney and a private investigator to locate Noah, and at first we had some arguments over custody and visitation, but we sorted it out and realized that we had one thing in common: we wanted was to give him a good family. He goes to her house if I have to work the night shift, so I appreciate that she picks him up early enough to give me time to have dinner and get some sleep. I also make sure that we get some family time during my days off and that we spend the holidays together somehow, even if we don’t get to do it on the exact date.”
This was the first time Amanda knew so much about Olivia’s life. She was usually pretty private at work because, as she briefly explained it when she and Amanda were talking about their kids, sometimes male doctors had outdated perceptions about women balancing children and careers. She didn’t want to be a stereotype or be seen as less capable. After all, she’d gone through the same medical school curriculum and grueling residency training as the men. What else was there to prove?
“That’s nice,” she said in reply, unable to add anything much to the conversation. “I guess maybe I can bring Jessie with me tomorrow and put her in the daycare. I can’t imagine I’ll be able to find a babysitter who will go out in a blizzard.”
“You should. I still bring Noah there from time to time. I bet they’d be great friends; they’re not that far apart in age.”
“Well, kids can never have too many friends.”
Amanda decided that bringing Jessie with her to work for the duration wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Even the daycare had a storm team for instances like this, and besides, the ER usually quieted down during bad weather. Maybe that would finally give her more time to get to know Olivia.
The next day, after Amanda had finished restocking the drug lockup, she decided to go sit in the lounge and relax. As she expected, the ER was currently empty as the snow bore down on New York City. People would rather tough out their illnesses and injuries at home unless it was truly life-threatening.
When she walked in, she saw Olivia refilling her coffee mug and looking to see if there were any good snacks in the snack box. The ER staff liked to bring in different snacks to share, and there was usually an assortment of healthier choices like almonds, pistachios, or pretzels, along with cookies and candy in the event someone needed a sugar rush. They just had to pay a small amount of money for a fund that would go to the person in charge of refilling the box, a responsibility they rotated on a weekly basis.
“Anything good?” Amanda asked, trying to ignore the butterflies she was feeling. Usually, the ER was busy enough to keep her from socializing too much with her fellow nurses. So on a normal day, it wasn’t like she had ample time to spend around a doctor who she felt a small attraction to and wanted to get to know better. But of course, today was different.
“Nah, not really. At least nothing I’m in the mood for.” Olivia held up a package of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies. “Do you want these?” she asked Amanda. “They’re on me; they’re only 75 cents.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do…” Amanda stopped talking and smiled. “You know what? Sure. I appreciate the gesture.”
Olivia smiled back and handed her the cookies. “It’s no bother. I’ve been trying to treat the nurses better and show my appreciation for your hard work. I don’t want you all to think you’re only there to take my orders and say ‘yes, doctor.’ Medicine is a team sport. I couldn’t do my job without you.”
“Well, I’ve never had a problem with the way you treated me. Did someone complain about you or something?”
“No, it’s not that. I’ve just noticed throughout my career that a lot of doctors tend to be brusque with nurses or not see them as equals. But during my residency, I remember a veteran ER nurse pulling me aside and telling me how she’d be less likely to help a resident who acted like a hotshot and just wanted her to shut up and listen. Basically, she hated doctors who believed they had all the power when they didn’t really know anything yet. And it stuck with me. It reminded me that even if I decided to get into hospital administration or wanted to be a department head I needed to be humble and treat others with respect. No one would take me seriously as a leader if I also didn’t form relationships with them and remember what it was like to be on their level.”
“That’s really thoughtful.”
“Do you have any ambitions to be in management or go back to school someday, Amanda? And by the way, it’s completely fine if you’re happy as a bedside RN or want a desk job for an insurance company at some point. I’m not trying to judge you and everything you tell me will be kept confidential. I’m not your boss, but I’m just curious.”
“I haven’t given it much thought yet,” Amanda answered. “A lot of my focus has been on work and taking care of Jessie. I feel similar to how I answer when people ask me—unsolicited, of course—if I want to date again. But even before she was born, I felt pretty happy with where I was at. I like working in the ER. I’ve always kind of thrived off chaos in my personal life.”
“See, that’s where we’re different. I do appreciate the sense of urgency and variety in the ER, but I’ve always wanted a career where I can be there for people in a vulnerable and scary time. Be their advocate. Medicine seemed like a great fit for me; I did think about going into public health, but working in emergency medicine…I never even considered it before med school. But then I did my rotation and couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
“But no matter what, I think you have a lot of potential. And if you ever want to talk about work or parenting or just life…you can always ask or give me a call when you’re off. I’ll have to give you my cell number.”
“That’s a nice offer. Thanks.”
Amanda sat quietly for a minute, eating the cookies and taking a drink of coffee. She wasn’t quite sure how else to respond or keep the conversation going after that. Everything Olivia told her was making her feel more comfortable. She hoped the ER would stay quiet so they could talk all day.
“Did you end up taking Jessie to daycare?” Olivia asked. She also seemed eager to change the subject to something more relatable to everyday life.
“Oh, yeah. Thanks for the suggestion. I recognized Noah from the pictures you’ve shown me before. He really did seem happy there. I haven’t gotten any pages or calls, so I’m assuming Jessie is adjusting fine.”
“I told you it would be OK. Our babysitters deserve days off too, even when the weather’s good. Is this the first time you’ve worried about leaving Jessie with someone she hasn’t really met? Noah was really anxious and cranky the first few times I took him to daycare, but now he’s adjusted to the routine and he almost looks forward to going.”
“Nah. I was kind of freaking out after maternity leave too. I was going stir crazy at home, so in a way I couldn’t wait to come back to work. Then I realized, this is probably the first and last time I’ll get so much uninterrupted time with Jessie. When my alarm went off on my first day back to work, I was pretty bummed out. I had to get used to a different way and a morning routine. It was more logistical in my mind, though. Like how do I find time to eat my breakfast and get her ready? Should I shower at night after she goes to bed or wake up earlier? Little things you don’t have to think about when you don’t have a child. That was almost harder than all the sleepless nights or even taking care of her alone.”
“I get that.” Olivia nodded. “There were times when I first adopted Noah that I wasn’t sure I could handle this on my own. At the same time, I wasn’t at an age where pregnancy would be safe and way less risky, so I didn’t want to look for a sperm donor or do IVF. I felt like I was meant to help a child who didn’t have a stable home to grow up in. That’s what led me to the foster care system. When I met Noah, I fell in love immediately. But still, there are times where I wish I had found a good partner to do this with or hadn’t invested so much in my career early on so I could’ve possibly gotten pregnant. There are no guarantees in life, though. I could have planned everything right and met the perfect person for me in medical school but ended up being infertile. That’s why you just have to take life as it comes and not focus too much on planning or things falling apart.”
“That’s a great point. I know I pictured myself having a baby in better circumstances, like after I was more settled. It didn’t work that way for me either, but even so…like you said, I love Jessie no matter what. That’s what she needs, and I’ll try my best to provide a good home for her.”
“You’ll be fine. No…sorry. You already are doing fine.”
Olivia looked up at the clock in the lounge and raised her eyebrows. “Oh no. I’m sorry to cut this short, but I just remembered I have some encounters and chart notes to finish. I guess I took a lazy day on the storm team for granted. Do you have anything to get done? We could always work alongside each other.”
“Actually, I’m caught up for now.” Amanda said. “I think it’s almost my turn to sit at the triage desk, actually. I’m sure Molly’s probably ready for a break.”
“A triage desk in an empty ER sounds nice.” Olivia laughed. “Make the most of it. And let me know if you’re going to send any patients my way.”
Olivia got up and left, but Amanda didn’t immediately follow. Instead, she took another minute to notice how she was flattered and excited. No one she ever worked with had shown her as much care and desire to help her as Olivia did. Her coworkers had never really been her friends.
But maybe, now that she had shared her life with someone who was interested in her and wanted to support her, that would change.
Or, something more would emerge once she accepted that she couldn’t ignore the fact that she was still blushing and couldn’t wait to talk to Olivia again.