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Congrats! You’ve bought “Conspiracy Theories on Why You've Never Gotten to See Kale Around Here” from the shop! You really do waste your money on weird shit, huh.
Later, you’re checking your newly-acquired conspiracy theories, and they… make sense. How come you almost never get to see Kale? He goes to every class with you, he is friends with all your friends, and yet… he’s suspiciously absent. Aside from looking for a prom date, true crime is also one of your hobbies, and Kale has now become your favorite case.
Why have you never gotten to see Kale around here? Has he been avoiding you, specifically? You’re a likeable monster, right? Others like being friends with you. Your fun stat is insanely high this run. If Kale just gets to know you, he’ll figure out how amazing you are! Maybe even go with you to prom!
Luckily, the intel you bought details where Kale goes to play Pocket Humans (aka PokeMan) with his friends, so you go there.
“Dude, you can’t just form your team based on vibes. You need to check their credit score, and give them insurance! How do you ever win a battle?” Damien is saying, in his usual not-yelling yelling voice.
“I dunno, battles stress me out anyways. I’d rather just hang with them. I always pick the funny-looking ones.” You cannot see Kale’s eyes under his hair (leaves? hair leaves?) but you are sure they’re fixed on his GameKid.
“Hm. I pick mine based on how good they are doing taxes and shooting other humans in the face. But hey, I guess you do you.”
“Yeah, I just don’t see the appeal… no offense.”
“Nah, it’s cool bro!” Scott is definitely yelling. “There’s no right way of playing this game! I sometimes use my GameKid as a football!”
There is absolutely no way that the Pocket Humans in Scott’s console are happy with that - but then again, who grows attached to videogame characters?
You jump into the conversation, ready to catch Kale’s attention and unravel all his mysteries. And maybe also his clothes. Maybe.
“I actually bred my Dylan Rupert to be able to lick his own elbow! It took like four generations and I had to make him a stripper, but…”
Damien is fascinated by your Dylan Rupert and his flexibility stat. Apparently, he’s killed a good half a dozen Dylans attempting it. Scott wants to try battling with him, and you have to physically hide your GameKid from him, lest he kill the human you spent hours breeding. And then, in the midst of the chaos, you finally hear Kale’s voice:
“Yeah, hah. That’s neat.”
HE SPEAKS! This is your chance to impress him!
You get out of the almost-headlock Scott has you in and stand a bit closer to Kale, eager to compare your accountants with his, but he immediately steps back. When you try to peek into his console to see his team, he leaves without saying a word.
“LOL. Kale’s gone. Classic!” says Damien, oblivious to your disappointment. “Dude’s just never there!”
Scott’s eyes are fixed nowhere. “He’s always gone around prom season,” he comments.
Prom season, huh? You write that down for your research, and earn +2 SMARTS and +1 FUN in the process.
After, you decide you need a moment alone to review your conspiracy theories regarding Kale and consider the new information gathered. You hide under the bleachers so no one asks what you’re doing…
…and find out that’s exactly where Kale and Polly meet to smoke.
“Duuuuuuuude, this shit is good!” Polly sounds high as fuck, but then again, when does she not?
“Yeeeeeah, right? I may not know much about anything, but I know my grass.”
“Heh. Grass. You’re made of it aren’t yo- HEEEEEEEY! WHATCHA UP TO???”
Oh no. Polly has spotted you and is calling for you. Time to play it cool! You hide the theory board in the ether where all your objects go when you’re not using them and approach them.
“Heyyyyyyyy there you are!! I figured you’d be running around trying to get a date for prom!” Polly is as loud as ever. You eye Kale to see how he reacts, but he seems to be staring into the horizon, and you’re not even sure he’s paying attention to your conversation. What a stoner.
You tell Polly that prom is not your only concern ever, and she gives you a look like she doesn’t believe you. Still, she hands you the blunt she and Kale are sharing, in a quiet invitation to join them. Score!
As you take a hit, Kale seems to finally register your presence next to them. This is another chance to gether intel, so don’t screw it up, alright?
“Can you like… not… prom around me? Is there a chance… you can be, like. chill?” he asks, catching you off guard.
You nod, hitting your head against the bleachers in the process.
“I can be chill. I am like, so chill. Usually.” You take another hit, and it takes you on fit of honesty. “I’ve just been looking forward to prom for like, years, and now it’s weeks away, and I don’t have a date, and it makes me so anxious”.
“I’m anxious too,” Polly says, with a serious face - that lasts all two seconds, her eyes get literary starry with excitement. “ANXIOUS THAT PROM WON’T HAVE ENOUGH DRUGS IN THE PUNCH!”
As you hand him the blunt, you cannot see Kale’s eyes, but you think he’s looking at you a little differently now. You didn’t gain much intel for your research, but you still earn +2 CHARM.
Okay. This is your last chance to find out why you’ve never gotten to see Kale around before. (You know it’s the last chance, as your longest, wackiest adventures tend to be limited to 3 self-contained situations.) All the information you got is that his absence is prom related.
You walk out so decided to find Kale, you don’t realize he’s literally standing in front of you until he calls out your name.
“Hey, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry if I seemed rude about the prom thing the other day. Weed totally messes up my filter, y’know?”
You tell him it’s fine, but before you can try to get some more info out of him, he turns right around and starts to leave. Think quick! How do you find out why you haven’t seen him around before?
You decide to ask him outright. You have to say the question kinda loud, because he’s already walking away, but he comes back, so it’s okay.
“Why you haven’t gotten to see me around here? Well…” Kale looks around to make sure no one is listening to your conversation. “You were honest with me so I’ll be honest with you. I’m asexual, which in my case means I do not feel sexual attraction and don’t want to have sex at all. And honestly, this high school - this world, really - is so sexualized we might as well be in a dating sim.” He doesn’t laugh, but you can hear the humor in his tone. “I’m also aromantic - aro, for short. So like, I just don’t see the appeal to romantic love at all.
And like, with prom and everything, dude, it’s just so hard to exist without having romance and sex shoved into your ears, y’know? Eeeeveryone is talking about dates and if they’ll get to fuck after prom and it’s just all so whatever, right? Just, like let me be.”
Kale makes a pause to let you speak, but you’re honestly too stunned to speak. And a little embarrassed. So he keeps talking.
“And you, like, your whole thing lately is getting a date for prom, which is fine, but I can’t be around that. It’s why I make myself scarce, and it’s why you of all people haven’t seen me around much. But the other day I realized I might have been a bit unfair, reducing you to just prom, so I’m going to wait until i blows over and then maybe we can be friends.”
So, that’s that. Mystery solved. You gain +2 SMARTS, and watch Kale walk away in quiet contemplation.
You end up going to prom alone. Half of it is that the whole conspiracy theory shenanigans distracted you from getting a date, and the other half is that you kinda didn’t want to, after the talk you had with Kale.
You didn’t realize how nervous you were until you were standing right outside. Music and laughter can be heard. This is it. The moment you’ve ben waiting for.
As you try to gather courage to step inside, Kale quietly approaches you.
“So… still feeling anxious?” he asks, trying to sound casual. His GameKid is in his pocket for once, and you have a fleeting thought about how his purple suit matches his hair leaves.
You shrug, saying that just because prom night isn’t what you had envisioned doesn’t mean it’s going wrong.
“Listen… what about this? Would you like to come with me to prom? As friends. None of the sex, the romance, or the pressure to find the hottest date - but all of the fun and shenanigans. How does that sound?”
You say yes, and Kale is right: it is the most fun night you’ve had in ages. You dance, assemble a semi-usable team in Kale’s PokeMan save file, and drink wayyy too much of Polly’s definitely spiked punch.
For once, you’re grateful your entire school life doesn’t revolve around romance. And you’re happy you’ve made a new friend, too.