Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dowoon doesn’t think about Sungjin.

He doesn’t think about the times they shared together before they turned into fully-fledged adults, or the secret kisses exchanged in the darkness of Sungjin’s room, or the warm hands holding tight onto Dowoon’s body. 

He doesn’t think about Sungjin, hasn’t thought about Sungjin, for a very long time.

Then the billboard that Dowoon can see from the rooftop of his apartment suddenly changed to an advertisement with a gigantic picture of Sungjin on it, and suddenly Dowoon had to think of Sungjin again.

The words that have haunted him for the past several years start to ring in his ears once more.

“I think we should break up.”

Dowoon remembers it too vividly. He thought that after all this time, the details would eventually blur out, but all it does is get clearer and clearer. He remembers he was wearing that dumb bucket hat he always used to wear. He remembers the weather getting colder earlier than expected. He remembers looking back at Sungjin, the lights from the street lamps casting shadows on his face, as he stood still on the sidewalk right after delivering such an earth shattering statement.

“What?” Dowoon mumbled out several beats later. He’s too dumbfounded and couldn’t really decipher Sungjin’s expression, who wasn’t meeting Dowoon’s eyes on purpose. He must have misheard.

Sungjin took in another breath, “My debut is coming at the end of the year, and you’re also preparing to debut next year-”

“Are you serious? Wait- Huh?” 

“I just think it's best if we-”

Dowoon was still in disbelief. What was he even talking about? “Hey, wait,” Dowoon stepped closer to Sungjin, who didn’t even try to close the gap, “Why does it sound like you made up your mind without talking to me first? Are you- are you really breaking up with me like this?”

“Dowoon-ah.”

He remembers Sungjin’s sigh, sounding defeated, “I just… I won’t have enough time for you, and I just want to be fair to you-”

“Wait, wait,” Dowoon laughed, in a futile attempt to make sense of the situation. “Does this mean you’ve always planned to break up with me before your debut? I didn’t realize that our relationship had an expiry date-”

“No, I never wanted it to be like this-” Sungjin’s gaze finally met his. If he was going to be thrown away from the start, then maybe Sungjin shouldn’t have been with him in the first place. Why did Sungjin even approach him? Why did Sungjin look at him? Anger started to seep into him, tears of frustration building up concurrently. 

“Is this-” Dowoon takes out the promise ring that Sungjin gave him, holding it as it dangled from a thin chain around his neck, “Is this a joke to you? Did you even mean anything you said to me?”

“Of course I meant it-” 

For once, Dowoon was second guessing every moment he shared with Sungjin, and an evil, inevitable thought occurred to him, whispering into the deepest corners of his heart: did Sungjin ever truly love him?

All of their cherished moments together, everything flashed through Dowoon’s mind like a supercut; from big moments like their first time meeting, Sungjin’s eyes looking at him with curiosity, Dowoon’s ears heating up at the attention; all the way to the moments that seem mundane, like holding hands, like laughing in the grocery store, like sharing earphones on the train. The memories blend with one another, so-called evidence of Sungjin’s love for him, all of them now stained with grey.

“Then why can’t we even try ?” Dowoon grips the sleeves of Sungjin’s shirt. A final act of desperation.

Sungjin fell silent, and somehow, that hurt more than all the words he said so far.

Dowoon looked down at their feet, hands still gripping onto Sungjin, bargaining, “Why can’t we just try? Why are you giving up on us so easily?”

“None of this is easy for me,” he heard Sungjin whisper out. If he wasn’t so engulfed in his grief, he might have heard the sadness in Sungjin’s voice too, but that didn’t matter in the moment. All it did was trigger Dowoon even further.

Dowoon’s frustration continued to be released in one big wave, “You didn't even consider my thoughts, my feelings! You- How could you?” 

“I’m sorry, Dowoon. I really am,” Sungjin, the coward, couldn’t even look at Dowoon as he said it.

“You’re not,” Dowoon pushed him away, Sungjin stepping back at the force. Dowoon could feel his tears running down without his permission, “You’re not .”

Dowoon ripped the necklace from his neck and threw the ring at Sungjin’s feet, the sound of it bouncing off the ground filled the hollowness surrounding them.

There were so many things that Dowoon wanted to say to Sungjin. How could you? I love you. Please stay. Fuck you. Why are you doing this? Please. No. Don't leave me. I hate you. Why? Why? Why?  

But all Dowoon could do was turn and walk away, and that was the last he saw of him.

When their band’s manager said she wanted to announce something exciting, this was definitely at the bottom of Dowoon’s personal list. Dowoon and his band members, Younghyun and Wonpil, were in their practice room when they received the news.

“Whuh? Park Sungjin wants to collab with us?!” 

“Oh my God! Park Sungjin?!”

All the while Younghyun and Wonpil are celebrating such a big achievement, (Wow! The no. 1 star in South Korea right now wants to make a song with them!) Dowoon could physically feel his soul leave his body.

Just the other day Dowoon was lamenting the existence of the billboard with Sungjin’s face on it, and now this. 

Sure, this is great news, isn’t it? Their band, Even of Day, isn’t that famous and this collaboration will surely boost their popularity up two or three notches. Still, why ? Why did Sungjin have to agree to this collab? Dowoon’s pretty sure there’s many other people who would want to collaborate with him. 

And honestly, Dowoon and Sungjin have spent the last several years only exchanging pleasantries at shows, a small nod of the head here, a polite smile there. Nothing else. At all. And Dowoon is pretty sure that's all for show because surely the most loved artist in Korea can't be ignoring his juniors, right? How does he expect them to collaborate on a song together?

Okay, relax. This is not your ex-boyfriend. This is just some guy, just another idol who wants to create music with your band. That's it. 

After a little bit of rational thinking, Dowoon convinces himself that it’ll be fine. He doesn’t usually participate actively during the song-writing sessions anyway, only giving his input once he needs to provide a drum line into the skeleton of a song. That means they won’t need to spend much time with each other. Yeah, it sounds doable. Totally.

“Do you think he might want to promote the song with us on music shows?” Wonpil thinks out loud, with his impeccable timing.

Oh God . Okay, Dowoon, it's good for the band. It's good for publicity. Sungjin is just a guy. Some random guy. A random guy that clearly dumped Dowoon, and used to hold hands with and kiss and have se- 

Dowoon couldn’t control the yell he let out. He immediately cups his hand over his mouth, but Younghyun and Wonpil already paused their excited chatter to look over at him.

He tries to save face, “Is this really happening?” Technically, it’s the truth, because really God, why is this happening? 

“Isn’t it great news!” Wonpil beams, completely oblivious to Dowoon’s inner turmoil, “I can’t wait to meet him!”

Younghyun is already brainstorming on what demos he can show Sungjin, the room filled with happiness at the good news. Dowoon tries not to spoil it.

Ugh. If Sungjin is ever assassinated, Dowoon hopes no one suspects him.

Dowoon wears a mask on the day they plan to meet Sungjin.

Younghyun asks, “You good?” Dowoon responds that he has a bit of a cough, and they both leave it at that. Phew. 

To be honest, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to school his expression later. He needs to be prepared for anything and everything. But he knows today is just an introductory session; talking about the song concept, getting to know each other's preference in writing, and all that jazz. So he can just probably excuse himself and be on his merry way. Yep.

His mantra keeps repeating in his head: Park Sungjin is just a guy and who cares about guys.

“What do you think he’s like?” Younghyun voices out. They are  all seated in the meeting room, waiting for Sungjin to turn up. Dowoon wants to check out from this conversation already.

Wonpil leans into his hand, arm propped on the table, “I heard he’s nice.”

Hm. Nice. Sure . Dowoon doesn’t comment.

Just as they were about to continue, there’s a knock on the door before it opens.

And there he is, right in front of Dowoon’s eyes, looking the best he’s ever been. Looking like being without Dowoon was the best decision of his entire fucking life.

Park Sungjin.

All of them chorus in hellos and bows and there's a flurry of polite chatter and polite laughs and Dowoon really wants to leave. Whoever said that he could do this was lying (He knows he said it and he lied to himself). The mantra isn't working. Park Sungjin is just a guy and who cares about guys- Fuck, obviously Dowoon cares about this one guy.

Sungjin is seated across from them, and as their eyes meet each other, Dowoon couldn’t help but hold his breath. Sungjin, with his black leather jacket and slicked back hair, really suited the celebrity life. He looks good . And it's not that Dowoon didn’t know this, he’s seen him on multiple occasions already, but it's different when they're in close quarters like this. It's different when Dowoon can clearly see the glitter in his eyes.

Dowoon looks away immediately. He’s glad he’s wearing a mask because at this rate, he wants as little of himself to be visible to Sungjin as possible. Maybe excusing himself isn’t such a good idea now, because that will only bring all the attention to Dowoon, and God forbid that happens.

Younghyun and Wonpil do most of the talking. Dowoon’s spirit probably already left the moment Sungjin stepped in, and he only nods and pretends to be paying attention to the whole conversation. 

He’s not sure how much time passes, although he’s a bit glad there isn’t a clock in this room because then he’ll keep looking at the clock and time will pass by even more sluggishly. While all that happens. he tries to kill Sungjin with his mind. Nope, not working.

When Sungjin finally stands up to leave, Dowoon watches as Sungjin shakes Younghyun and Wonpil’s hands while arranging for the next meetup. They seem to be getting along really well. He isn’t sure if he should be happy about it or not.

And then Sungjin’s hand is extended in front of him.

Dowoon looks up from the hand to look at Sungjin, and he has a gentle smile on his lips. “Thanks for today,” Sungjin softly murmurs. 

Dowoon doesn't even have the strength to say a word, only nodding and moving to reciprocate the handshake, and it's warm, warm, warm. 

Just like he remembers.

This entire collaboration they have going on is making Dowoon cycle through the different stages of grief repeatedly.

The thing that gets to Dowoon the most is how… composed Sungjin seems through all this. And Dowoon is terribly annoyed by it. Because why does he get to be cool and collected and Dowoon’s the only one who seems crazy?

Dowoon manages to skip several brainstorming sessions they’ve had, and now that they have some sort of draft, Dowoon finally comes in to have his first listen.

What he does not expect, is a break up song.

Apparently what's worse than a break up song is a break up song that Sungjin himself is singing, and Dowoon just wants to turn this entire studio upside down along with Sungjin in it.

A fact about Dowoon is that he never listens to any of Sungjin's songs. Not a single one. He doesn't listen to love songs by Sungjin, he doesn't listen to break up songs by Sungjin, he doesn't listen to anything. Dowoon isn't sure if his heart would be able to take Sungjin's voice singing in his ears, so he just decided to never listen to any of his songs, ever. And that was that.

So sitting here blank-faced as he continues to listen to a heart-wrenching, soul-crushing song that his band members wrote with Park Sungjin himself, is definitely one of the worst things to have ever happened to him. He feels like he might vomit any second now.

As the final notes die out, they all look at him eagerly.

“What do you think?” Younghyun asks.

What can he say? I feel like I’m going to puke. I feel like all my insides are going to be on the outside. I feel like I’m going to take out my brain and launch it directly at Sungjin’s face.

Wonpil suddenly gets up from his chair, approaching Dowoon, “Dowoon-ah. Are you crying?”

Huh?

His hands automatically go up to his eyes, and just as Wonpil said, his fingers feel wet. When did he-

“Woah. That sad huh,” Younghyun tries to lighten the mood, and it’s not like Dowoon was full-on sobbing, it's just a few tears, but none of them expected him to react like that all the same.

Wonpil comforts Dowoon, “It’s okay, I get it honestly. I couldn't even record more than one time.”

The whole time, Dowoon tries his best not to look at Sungjin. It's incredibly embarrassing, and he wishes he could die. Or Sungjin could die. Whichever. He's not picky.

He wipes away his tears, “I just got really into the song, that's all. It's really good.”

Wonpil slaps his back several times and Dowoon can feel Sungjin’s eyes on him.

“Whats the title?” Dowoon changes the topic.

“Still There.”

Sungiin answers. Dowoon glances at Sungjin then, and the way that Sungjin is looking at him? Dowoon hates it. He hates it with his entire fucking being.

He doesn't get to sing about break ups that hurt and insinuate that he’s still living in the past and look forlorn like some sort of silent apology when he was the one that threw Dowoon away. 

Like he was nothing.

Like they didn’t spend years of their life intertwined with one another. Like they didn’t make promises in whispers inside the darkness and love confessions loud enough for the mountains to echo back in tandem.

And Sungjin’s probably out there, living his best life. With fame and fortune, with millions of adoring fans, with long lines of people who would kill to be with him, and all Dowoon can do is watch from the sidelines, watch from the back row as the audience of his life on stage. 

And Dowoon didn’t care for any of that at all.

So what if Sungjin was his first love? People don’t end up with their first love all the time. And as much as he hates to admit it, all the sadness and bitterness that had faded into a dull ache at the back of his mind is rearing its ugly head again, and now the name Park Sungjin is supposed to be just another celebrity that he has to brush shoulders with at shows, and not the Sungjin he has kissed in the shadows of his room.

Because let's be real, Sungjin is probably a completely different person now, and Dowoon doesn’t know that person. So he can continue to grieve for the Sungjin he used to call his own, and be unbothered by whoever this stranger is. At least, that's what it should be.

And that's why Dowoon despises it. Dowoon despises how Sungjin looks at him like he’s looking at something, someone familiar. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Sungjin’s eyes on him, he doesn't want Sungjin to talk to him, he doesn't want any sort of attention from him. He can keep his pretentious familiarity, and he can leave the way he came in.

Dowoon won’t let Sungjin hold the reins of his life again. He leaves on his own accord, and barges in back through the door after so many years without any mercy. Why does Dowoon have to live his life following Sungjin’s tempo? Arriving and leaving as he pleases; well, Dowoon thinks he can walk straight into hell.

As expected, the general public loves a good, depressing song, based on how well its doing on music charts.

People were surprised by the news of the collab, and honestly Dowoon wishes he could tell everyone how surprised he is about it too. Still, more people are paying attention to their band now. Their schedule is filled with interviews, music shows and guesting on variety shows. It's great. What's not so great is all these schedules include Sungjin as well, which makes Dowoon wonder why he doesn't have his own schedules to go to, isn’t he the most popular guy in South Korea?

Fortunately, Dowoon is a little bit used to Sungjin’s presence now. How? He finally cracked the code: All he had to do is pretend Sungjin isn't there.

They've been practicing their performance as a group at their studio, and to be honest, it's quite smooth sailing considering that there's an additional person in their usual 3-person ensemble. Sungjin’s voice and guitar skills fit right in their band, and Younghyun and Wonpil practically adore Sungjin. The practice room is always filled with teasing and laughter, and Dowoon doesn't need to make conversation much, which is a blessing. The only issue is when Sungjin starts talking to him.

As they get ready in the waiting room for their first music show appearance, Dowoon does his usual warm ups. Younghyun is fast asleep on the couch, Wonpil is getting his makeup done, and Sungjin is on the other end of the sofa that Dowoon is sitting on. Dowoon ignores him as usual.

“Hey, Dowoon,” he hears Sungjin say. Okay, seems he can’t ignore him anymore.

Dowoon pauses his drumming and tilts his head with a hum, not really looking. 

“Can I practice with you?”

If they weren't surrounded by a very awake Wonpil and the rest of the staff, Dowoon might have declined outright. But well, Dowoon can be professional. Dowoon can be unbothered.

Dowoon simply nods and Sungjin immediately moves closer to him, probably afraid that Dowoon would change his mind at the last minute.

They practice for a bit. Dowoon leading, Sungjin following. Dowoon starts to relax into routine and when the song ends, he feels how sweaty his palms are.

He doesn't look at Sungjin even once.

“Thanks, Dowoon-ah.”

Dowoon continues practicing again without much reaction.

“Here,” Sungjin hands him a water bottle out of the blue, “You should take a break.”

Surprised, Dowoon looks up at Sungjin, and he’s staring right back at Dowoon, waiting. 

Dowoon accepts the water bottle with a slight bow, “Thank you, Sungjin-ssi.”

Sungjin’s expression falls slightly at the formality, but Dowoon makes it a point not to dwell on it. He takes a drink of the water and immediately goes to change his drumsticks, having Sungjin in his close vicinity is giving him a headache. 

When they’re finally on stage for the performance, it somehow hits Dowoon that this is the first time that Sungjin and Dowoon are performing together.

It feels like an unreachable dream that his younger self used to have; to perform on stage together with Sungjin, the neon lights shining on his face, Dowoon watching from behind. And now here he is, in real time, witnessing the crowd go wild, as he looks at Sungjin’s broad back, Sungjin’s ethereal voice in his in-ears.

He never knew this day would ever come.

Sungjin really shines on stage. Could it be for the best they broke up? Dowoon would only be holding Sungjin back from rising to the top. He had a bright future, and it's evident now how far he can go when there's no one like Dowoon being a thorn in his side. Sungjin can fly higher, further, without such baggage tying him down.

He's overcome by a mixture of different emotions, a deep sadness within him that melts along with the song.

"Please, please don't leave me."

"Please, please love me."

When the performance finally ends, Sungjin unexpectedly looks back at him with a distant look in his eyes, and perhaps, Sungjin is thinking about this being their first performance together too.

There's confetti falling all around them, the cheers of the crowd are loud enough to deafen their ears, and they keep looking at each other as if this is a moment that should be remembered together.

Maybe, once upon a time, this would finally be a dream come true for Dowoon. But all sorts of things he had wished for before had been hidden and buried for so long, he’s not sure if he has the strength to even reminisce on it. He’s left all those dreams behind along with his naive 19-year old self.

He thought that if it were to finally happen, the both of them would be smiling ear-to-ear, and not like this: thinking of what-has-beens and what-could-have-beens.

And yet for the first time in a long time, Dowoon doesn't look away from him.

Dowoon should be happy that Younghyun and Wonpil are getting along well with Sungjin. What worries him is that they’re getting along a bit too well for Dowoon’s liking.

Sure, they can be friends with anyone they want, but why does it have to be Sungjin of all people? Dowoon feels like he might wake up one day and they would announce that Sungjin is their new best friend. What a nightmare.

The nightmare seems to be getting closer to real life when Dowoon enters their dorms one day to see that the three of them are lounging on the couch like a regular Tuesday.

“Dowoonie! We just ordered dinner! Come join us!” Wonpil excitedly greets Dowoon. Well, its definitely too late to back out now. There's no way he could make up an excuse decent enough for him to run away from this.

So he ends up having dinner together with all of them in front of the TV, and its normal enough that Dowoon almost forgets that he’s one seat away from his ex-boyfriend.

Still, he lessens his visits to the dorms after that.

He didn’t really think it would be obvious, and it's not that he frequently visits enough for it to be, but then Wonpil corners him at their practice room.

Dowoon is in the middle of packing his drumsticks, as Wonpil moves closer to the drum set he’s sitting at.

“Dowoon-ah. I wanted to talk to you about something,” Wonpil starts in such a gentle manner. Like he was talking to a stray animal. As if it would make it any less suspicious.

Dowoon squints at him, “...Yeah?”

He watches Wonpil take in a breath and exhale, “You haven’t come to the dorms in a while.”

Ah. So that's what this is about.

“I mean, I don’t live there…” Dowoon frowns at him. He’s stating the truth, and it's not like he comes for anything important anyway. He just shows up and leaves on his own volition. 

“Still! You used to come by more regularly. We barely see you now.”

“Hyung. We see each other all the time.”

“You know that's not what I mean,” Wonpil stares at him harder. Dowoon tries not to look away, afraid that it will make him look guilty. He's pretty sure Wonpil realizes he’s absent on purpose.

Wonpil pouts, “Do you… Do you not like Sungjin?”

Well then. Guess this is happening now.

“Hah?” Ugh, this is giving Dowoon a headache.

Wonpil gestures vaguely, to no one in particular, “I mean, you always seem to… not enjoy his presence.”

Oh God, why is he even having this conversation with Wonpil. Okay Dowoon, just choose your words carefully. 

Dowoon tries to string together the most neutral words possible, “I think I enjoy his presence a normal amount.”

“Right…”

Good enough. Dowoon goes back to packing his things, “Why are you asking this anyway?”

“I just! I don’t want you to be uncomfortable having him around. If it's really a bother, we can always go meet Sungjin at his place, he doesn’t have to come to ours.”

No, no, no. This is not what Dowoon wanted. He knew this would happen if he told them about it. They would go out of their way for Dowoon and he would feel bad about it in the end. 

Dowoon sighs loudly, “It's your place. You don’t have to worry about me, hyung-”

“Of course I worry! Did he do something? Or say something to you that makes you not like him? I’ll give him a stern talking to!” Wonpil looks like he’s ready to fight someone, and while it’s comforting, he really just wants everyone to move on with their lives, including him.

“Hyung, really, he’s fine,” Dowoon reaffirms. He probably sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than he is convincing Wonpil, but Wonpil doesn’t call him out on it. “There’s really nothing going on. So don’t worry, okay?”

Wonpil’s expression looks like he has much more to say, but he gives a soft “Okay” and leaves the conversation at that. He’s thankful for it.

Younghyun, on the other hand, is even worse with subtlety.

“Sungjin’s cool,” Younghyun says in a fake nonchalant manner, as if it isn't completely out of left field and his mouth isn't full. They’re at a fast food chain, both deciding to get burgers for a change. For some reason Younghyun wanted to buy him lunch, and Dowoon probably should have seen another intervention coming. Ugh. Younghyun and Wonpil must’ve talked about it.

Dowoon just responds with a nod, humming in agreement. At least the burger’s good.

Younghyun nods along with him, “I like Sungjin.”

Bold statement to make. This conversation is taking a very drastic turn. Dowoon almost coughs out his food, “Romantically?”

“What?” Now it's Younghyun’s turn to choke on his fries, “No, platonically.” Like it was obvious. Saying the word ‘like’ and ‘Sungjin’ in the same sentence makes Dowoon’s fight or flight mode activate.

“Okay…?”

Dowoon frowns and continues munching, watching Younghyun take a sip of his drink. He could see the gears turning in Younghyun’s mind, like he’s deciding which chess piece to use next. 

“Well, do you like Sungjin?” Younghyun asks instead, moving his hypothetical piece on the board.

Lovely. This day is just getting longer and longer. Dowoon indulges him, “Platonically?”

“Yes,” the deadpan look on Younghyun’s face makes him want to laugh. Dowoon decides to shrug instead, “I guess.”

“You guess?”

Should he sigh? He thinks he deserves to let out a sigh. Dowoon puts down the burger and uses a fry to point at Younghyun, “Hyung, whats up? Whats with the questions?”

“You’re less…how should I say it? Talkative. When he's around.”

“And is that bad?” The fry he used as a pointer ends up in his mouth.

Younghyun seems like hes one step away from screwing subtlety altogether and asking whatever he wants to ask. This so-called intervention thing is frustrating for everyone involved, so he doesn't know why they still want to go on ahead with it. 

Younghyun tries to explain, “Well, I mean, you’re less you .”

Dowoon just makes a face. Isn't that the point? He doesn't want Sungjin to perceive him. Especially not more of him. Dowoon just wants to do his job for the collab and disappear from Sungjin’s life, just like Sungjin wanted.

But then, that's not really a conversation he wants to have with Younghyun, or Wonpil, or anyone for that matter.

Dowoon goes for a different route: Deflection, “You know I’m awkward around people I don't know,” 

Younghyun doesn't look like he's satisfied with Dowoon's answer, but maybe he doesn't want to drag this any longer. “So we cool with Sungjin?”

“Yeah,” Dowoon, relieved, holds back from looking happy that the conversation is over, “We’re cool.”

Dowoon is free. For now.

By some act of divine miracle, Dowoon survived promotions without thinking of jumping off a building even once. Thankfully the collaboration ended without a hitch. Of course, as per usual, it's not the end until they had an after party, and everyone’s geared up for celebratory drinks.

The restaurant they are all in is loud with laughter and conversation. He watches Younghyun and Wonpil attempt to entertain their table with a weird magic trick they learned. Dowoon doubts they even know how to do it properly, but at least everyone else is hyping them up. Maybe it's the alcohol.

Sungjin is a few tables down, with his own staff mingling with their own. Dowoon sneaks a peek at him, only to see that Sungjin was already looking at him. Shit. Dowoon downs his shot in a single gulp.

All those schedules with Sungjin only cements further into Dowoon’s brain that this Sungjin is completely separate from the one in Dowoon’s memories.

This Sungjin has a much bigger presence; the aura exuding from him fills the room, and he’s much more confident, much more down-to-earth, and much to Dowoon’s chagrin, much more handsome.

It would probably be so, so easy to fall in love (again) with Sungjin, but why would he do that to himself? Dowoon remembers how abandoned he felt, and if he couldn’t protect his younger self from the hurt, at least he can still protect the person he is now. 

Dowoon takes a look at his phone: 1 AM. Well, thats his cue to leave. Younghyun and Wonpil are notorious for staying late, and sometimes they would be the last to leave to make sure that all the staff got back safely. If Dowoon does that, he’d be passed out on the floor fast asleep.

Right after ordering himself a taxi, he says his goodbyes to the few people at the table within earshot, and sneaks out as quietly as possible. As he steps out, the cold air greets his face with a gentle breeze.

“Heading out so soon?” a voice speaks out from nowhere.

“Holy–” Dowoon feels his soul leaving his body. Where did this guy come from?

He turns to see Jaebeom, Sungjin’s long-time friend, leaning on the wall near the entrance. He has an apologetic smile for scaring Dowoon, and a cigarette in hand. Dowoon saw him inside when the celebration started but he didn’t really keep track of what everyone was doing. 

Dowoon hasn’t spoken to Jaebeom before. He’s pretty sure Jaebeom knows all about his past relationship with Sungjin, but there hasn’t been an actual reason to talk to him. So this is a first.

Dowoon releases a relieved sigh, trying to calm his erratically beating heart, “Yeah, I don’t usually stay very long.”

He watches Jaebeom put out the cigarette under his shoe and pushes himself off the wall he was leaning on.

“You good?”

Dowoon doesn't really know where this conversation is going, but he’ll entertain him anyway.

“I guess. You?”

Jaebeom makes a sound expressing something similar to Dowoon’s answer, then he asks what Dowoon was dreading from the start.

“When's the last time you properly talked to him?” Jaebeom tilted his head towards the inside of the restaurant. Dowoon knows who he's talking about, but it doesn't make the conversation any easier.

“Besides greetings at music shows?” Dowoon lets out a sarcastic laugh, “Since we broke up, probably.” Dowoon huddles into his jacket further in an attempt to escape.

“Ah, well,” Jaebeom looks at the snow falling from the sky, “Hope it wasn’t too tough on you.”

Dowoon wonders how much Jaebeom knows about their relationship. What does Sungjin tell him? Did Sungjin ever tell him about how they broke up? Did Sungjin ever say that he misses Dowoon? They share a few seconds of silence before Jaebeom voices out again, “Do you-”

The sound of the door swinging open startles them mid-sentence as they both turn towards it.

They’re just as surprised to see Sungjin as Sungjin is to see them both, his eyes wide open in realization.

“Ah.”

That seemed to be all Sungjin could muster after concluding that both Dowoon and Jaebeom were in the middle of a conversation, and Dowoon wonders what’s in his mind.

Sungjin clears his throat, “Sorry. Beomie, they’re looking for you.”

Jaebeom gives a little nod, and slaps a hand on Dowoon’s shoulder, “Well, gotta go. Nice talking to you.”

Dowoon lifts a hand for a goodbye, watching Jaebeom make his way back inside. Dowoon has half a mind that Sungjin might follow suit, but he doesn’t.

Now they’re both standing on the sidewalk, unmoving. Great.

“You’re leaving?” Sungjin breaks the silence. Dowoon doesn’t look at him, but he feels Sungjin’s gaze burning holes into the side of his face.

Dowoon just lets out a simple “Yeah.”

He really wishes his taxi would arrive faster. Anytime now.

“Um. We didn’t really have a chance to talk…” Sungjin touches the back of his neck nervously. It's true they didn’t really get any one-on-one conversations, but that was all intentional on Dowoon’s part. Dowoon’s certain that Sungjin knows this. He continues, “If it's okay with you, let's catch up-”

Nah. Bad idea. Terrible even.

“Sunbae-nim,” Dowoon finally looks at Sungjin straight-on. The formality in Dowoon’s choice of words makes Sungjin’s eyes grow wider. Dowoon goes a step further and gives him a polite bow, “Congratulations on a successful song, and thank you for collabing with us.”

“Dowoon-ah.”

He recognizes Sungjin’s pleading tone, but he also sees his taxi approaching. Oh, thank God. He doesn’t want to dissect the meaning behind this conversation anytime soon. Maybe he can sleep it off and forget this whole ordeal, this entire collab fiasco ever happened. Maybe all of this is just one very long, very bad dream.

The taxi stops in front of them and Sungjin is still glued in the same spot, searching Dowoon’s face for something that he’s not sure of.

As Dowoon opens the door to enter, he turns his head towards Sungjin, unwilling to meet his eyes, “Goodnight, sunbae.”

The taxi drives away and Dowoon wills himself to not look back out the window. He no longer has to think about ex-boyfriends, with sparkling eyes and warm hands. He no longer has to think about a shared life he could've had or a happiness that was never his. He no longer has to think of the past or being left or being broken up with.

Finally. It's over.

Chapter Text

Dowoon really thought that that would be the end of it. How naive of him to think that the universe is done messing with him.

He finds out what the universe is up to on a random Tuesday in the beginning of spring; he’s attending a meeting for a fishing show that he’s been on before, and he’s excited that the production team wants to include him a second time.

Then when he opens the door to the meeting room, he sees motherfucking Park Sungjin seated along with the rest of the cast. Obviously Dowoon wasn’t made aware of this. He desperately needs the earth to open up and swallow him into its core because God has clearly cast him aside and forsaken him.

“Ah Dowoon! Good to see you again!” The familiar cast greets him happily, but all Dowoon could hear are the alarms blaring in his head, signaling an upcoming mental breakdown. He proceeds to robotically sit across from Sungjin right as the meeting starts, and well, he didn’t pay attention to a single word that was uttered. So much for being briefed on the show, Dowoon has officially been declared internally dead.

Dowoon only realizes the meeting ended when everyone started to get up from their chairs, and Dowoon tries his best not to just sprint off to his manager and demand to withdraw him from this show. He manages to pretend to keep his cool, until he meets Sungjin again in the parking lot.

For very, very good reason, Dowoon is pissed.

What is this guy’s issue? Dowoon thought that Sungjin wanted to live a very separate life from him, and well, Dowoon is very happy to oblige. Dowoon is begging every fibre in his body not to punch Sungjin in the face just for being so annoying. He doesn't need a lawsuit.

Dowoon saunters up to Sungjin, and since Dowoon has never approached him out of his own volition, the action surprises Sungjin.

“Can you give us a second?” Dowoon addresses Sungjin’s manager. His manager gives a curt nod, and Dowoon follows Sungjin into his car and tries not to slam the door close.

Dowoon goes straight to the point, not even trying to hide his exhaustion, “Did you know? That I was on the show too?”

If Sungjin was taken aback by the question, it doesn’t show. This is the first time they’re having a somewhat personal conversation in who knows how long, and it's not exactly on good terms. Dowoon watches him gulp and play with his fingers, a nervous habit he has.

“I heard you’ve been on it before, but I didn’t know you’d be called back…” Sungjin mutters. He has the gall to look guilty as he says it, and Dowoon squeezes his eyes to hold back from lashing out at him.

Dowoon lets out a long sigh. Does Sungjin even like fishing? Why is he even on a fishing show? 

“Okay, who cares right? Whatever,” Dowoon moves to open the door again, but Sungjin stops him with an outstretched hand.

Sungjin has a dumbfounded look on his face, “That's it?”

Dowoon wishes that he has all the patience in the world for this conversation, but he doesn’t, “What else do you want me to say?” He almost spits out the words, each of them oozing with malice, and he doesn’t really care if it hurts Sungjin.

“Dowoon-ah.”

Dowoon doesn’t want to look at him. Dowoon doesn’t want Sungjin to know that he still has such an effect on him, and he doesn’t want to give Sungjin that satisfaction. The satisfaction that he still has power over him.

Dowoon looks at him anyway.

Sungjin’s expression is open and vulnerable. If Dowoon’s cold, cold heart hadn't been hardened by years of torment, he would’ve folded right away. Sungjin’s voice almost comes out in a whisper, “Can you, for the show at least… call me hyung?”

Dowoon huffs and takes a deep breath. Right, that's probably enough Sungjin for today. He needs to go and meditate on top of a mountain or something, somewhere far away from all this. Dowoon deliberately opens the door without responding to him, and closes the door in his face.

For reasons unknown to Dowoon, he is now stuck on a stupid fishing boat for 4 whole days with a stupid Sungjin. And by unknown, he means that he actually does know, but he's too in denial to admit to himself that he agreed to this excursion. At least it's not just the two of them.

Dowoon thinks he might get an aneurysm from all this. Maybe he can bill the hospital expenses to Sungjin. He’s rich anyway.

First day

Everyone’s already off to do their own thing, their designated cameramen following close behind. Dowoon is in the middle of grabbing his things when he hears someone say, “Dowoon can teach you!”

Oh, please, God, don’t let it be who I think it is.

Dowoon turns to see one of the older members of the cast talking to Sungjin, finger pointed in Dowoon’s direction.

“Dowoon-ah, come here! You have to teach the newbie!”

Why me? Why?

Dowoon really, really wants to jump off this boat right away, but he doesn’t want to cause a scene. He’s sure the production crew will have a field day with it though.

As Dowoon approaches them, Sungjin is smiling politely, rod in hand.

“Alright, let's go. Hope you’re ready to leave your celebrity life behind and become a professional fisherman.”

“Dowoon, we can’t have Sungjin retire singing!”

“He can sing on the boat!”

The rest of the cast chorus in laughter, and Dowoon realizes that Sungjin is really out of his element here. He doesn’t know anyone, he doesn’t have a clue how to fish, he completely sticks out like a sore thumb. Here, Dowoon is the one in control, and Dowoon is loving it.

“Since I have 3 years of fishing experience, I’m considered the hyung right?” Dowoon laughs, to himself mostly. It feels good to pick on him out in the open and not just in his head. Hah, call me hyung instead, bastard! 

It’s the first time that Dowoon is somewhat joking around with Sungjin, even though it's at Sungjin’s expense. Still, Sungjin seems to relax more and affectionately rolls his eyes at Dowoon’s statement, “Hah, okay.”

Dowoon slowly teaches Sungjin the basics. The cameramen hover around them as Sungjin listens intently, hands carefully following Dowoon’s instructions.

After Sungjin casts his line, Dowoon adds, “Just chill out and have a good time.” And leaves him to it. Phew. Finally he can have his own space. Dowoon goes to the opposite side of the deck from Sungjin, and casts his fishing line with practised ease.

There's not much conversation between them. They listen to the rest of the cast members fooling around, and re-cast their lines a couple of times. 

He’s not sure how long it's been when Dowoon feels a pull on his rod.

Everyone turns to see Dowoon’s effort in reeling, and when he lets out a successful “Wah! I got one!” the whole crew whoops and cheers. They quickly measure and weigh the fish, and Dowoon holds it up for the camera to see.

“Is Sungjin-ssi jealous?” Dowoon shows off his fish to Sungjin, he adds in a teasing tone, “Quickly catch one.”

They waited the whole day, but Sungjin didn’t end up catching any. Serves him right.

Second day

“Good job, Sungjin! Your first catch!”

Dowoon hears one of the cast members congratulate Sungjin, and Dowoon turns to see the commotion. After they measure the fish, the captain hands over the fish for Sungjin to hold, but he just stands there. Unmoving.

“Hold the fish!” Dowoon calls out to him. Sungjin’s hands move very slowly towards it. Dowoon repeats, “Hold it!”

“Oh my God, Park Sungjin-ssi, just hold it,” Dowoon grabs the fish and brings it closer to Sungjin, Sungjin only holding a small part of its tail, as Dowoon looks on in disbelief.

After the fish is taken away, Dowoon nags, “You’re unbelievable.”

“I caught one though,” Sungjin seems proud of himself.

“Hah,” Dowoon smiles a bit too politely, “Guess you can start thinking about retiring your celebrity life.”

Third day

“I’m sleepy,” Dowoon says with his eyes closed, to no one in particular. His line has been unmoving for the past hour.

And then the peace and quiet is disturbed by Sungjin’s slurping. 

Dowoon turns and watches Sungjin eat a mouthful of ramen, still sizzling from the heat. He doesn’t seem to care that Dowoon’s tranquil moment is interrupted.

Dowoon, annoyed, berates him, “You're making me hungry.”

Sungjin looks up from his cup and gestures it in Dowoon’s direction, “Do you want some?”

“Nah, we’re having a meal later.”

“This isn't a meal,” Sungjin points at the cup with his fork, “It's a snack.”

Dowoon’s stomach disagrees. Dowoon already knows this, but it’s incredible that even at this age Sungjin is still capable of such extremities. Dowoon just gives him a side-eye. 

Then the line on Dowoon’s rod starts moving on its own.

It’s chaos. The fish is so darn heavy, and it takes multiple tries and all the muscles Dowoon built from drumming to finally reel it in.

“Oh! Oh! Look!”

The fish is huge. Probably the biggest Dowoon has ever caught in all of his years of fishing. Dowoon jumps up and down, showing off the fish to everyone, hugging it close to his chest.

“Hyung, look at how big it is!” Dowoon turns to Sungjin. He’s too excited, he doesn’t realize the term slipping out of his lips. He only realized his mistake after watching Sungjin’s eyes widen, and gaze softening right after. 

Ah, shit .

Sungjin smiles, a smile so gentle that Dowoon doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of.

“Good job, Dowoon-ah.”

Final day

The whole cast sits down to have their last meal together, a wide range of fresh seafood from one end of the table to the other. Dowoon almost drools at the sight.

Sungjin sits next to him, and Dowoon tries his utmost best not to roll his eyes. There's cameras around, Dowoon, you do not want to be cancelled by Sungjin’s fans.

Once everyone starts eating, one of the older members of the cast calls out to Sungjin.

“Sungjin-ssi! Will you join us again?”

They joke around, “Hope you’re not completely turned off by fishing now!”

Dowoon watches Sungjin give a genuine smile.

“I’d love to join again if you’ll have me.”

Everyone cheers at that and someone even claps Sungjin on the back. 

“Dowoon-ah, how is it like working with Sungjin?”

Oh, great. Lovely.

“Wah,” Dowoon puts down his chopsticks for extra drama, “He’s a real celebrity, you know.”

They laugh and tease at Sungjin, retelling stories from the past few days. Everyone has grown to like Sungjin, and well, Sungjin is very likeable. He’s sure the ratings of the show will spike just from having Sungjin on board, and fans will eat up this kind of content.

While all of that is happening, Dowoon sees Sungjin putting a slice of fish in Dowoon’s bowl.

Sly bastard.

Dowoon doesn’t comment on it directly, voice low enough for just the two of them to hear, “Still not a fan of seafood?”

Sungjin continues to pile food on both his and Dowoon’s bowl, “Unfortunately, no.”

Dowoon isn’t sure if he should ask Sungjin to stop, he can do it himself, he doesn’t need Sungjin to do it, but he’s too cowardly to admit that he’s enjoying the attention.

“This fishing thing has been so weird for you.”

Sungjin looks up at Dowoon, “I had a good time though.”

The cameras are still rolling, the cast around them is loud with jeering and laughter, and Sungjin is looking at him like Dowoon is the only one that matters.

Thank God this is the last day, because Dowoon is one incident away from pushing Sungjin off this goddamn boat.

Dowoon didn't realize that going on the fishing show with Sungjin would create a grand discussion about the both of them.

“I didn’t expect them to have an old married couple dynamic!”

“Dowoon is so funny with him!”

“Sungjin is so careful with Dowoon, how cute!”

Dowoon wants to delete all these comments from the internet, and from his memory.

Cute? Cute?! What do they mean ‘cute’?!

Wonpil, on the other hand, is happy with how it all turned out. “I’m so happy to see you both getting along well like this! Should we hang out more often? All of us?”

Dowoon really doesn’t want to burst his bubble, but at least Dowoon can agree that he’s at least on somewhat speaking terms with Sungjin now, albeit it started because he was forced to and there was nowhere to run on a boat in the middle of the ocean.

When the fishing show ended, Sungjin asked him, “Can I have your number?”

And the sneakiness of it all, Sungjin asked him while still being surrounded by the cast and crew members, that Dowoon had no way to decline. Asshole.

He sees his first text from Sungjin, a “I had a good time filming with you” and Dowoon doesn't respond just to keep him in check. Hmph.

Still, Younghyun and Wonpil seemed to take this whole situation as a green light to invite Dowoon and Sungjin together on every single thing now.

With all the constant meet-ups, Dowoon’s amount of sentences spoken to Sungjin slowly increases from 1 to 3 to 10 to… to Dowoon not even keeping count anymore. And Dowoon can feel himself stepping closer to the line that Dowoon swore he wouldn’t cross.

Towards the end of summer, Younghyun and Wonpil suddenly announce that they want to have a barbecue.

“And we’re going to do it at your house,” Younghyun casually adds, looking at Dowoon.

“I did not approve of this.”

“You live on a rooftop. We can literally barbecue outside!”

“You didn’t even ask me!”

Wonpil smiles sweetly, “Too late. I already invited Sungjin and gave him your address.”

Dowoon hates his friends.

On the day of the barbecue, while Younghyun and Wonpil set everything up (Dowoon bitterly refuses to help because he already provided his house for this, and Sungjin of all people is coming. The least they could do is provide the labor), Dowoon just realizes that the freaking billboard with Sungjin’s face on it is still there for everyone to see.

As much as he hopes that Sungjin doesn’t comment on it, he knows that he will.

And just like he expected, the moment Sungjin makes his way up the stairs, he doesn't even greet any of them, his eyes locked on the gigantic picture of himself that faces Dowoon’s house. The irony of it all.

Sungjin doesn’t even get the chance to say anything about it (thank the lord) as Younghyun and Wonpil pounce on him right away, forcing Sungjin to join them in their labor.

Dowoon hates to admit it, but he’s having a great time. The summer night is great for their barbecue; the slightly cool breeze indicates autumn is coming soon, the meat is all tender and juicy, his two best friends are happy and drinking the night away, and Sungjin. Sungjin is here as if he fits perfectly right in Dowoon’s life, like he never left, like he was always a part of the equation. 

He has mixed feelings about all this, but Dowoon lets himself enjoy the night for a change. Just this once.

Late into the night, Younghyun and Wonpil are blinking away their drowsiness, too drunk that their heads are on the table. Dowoon has done this many times before, and now Sungjin is here to help him wrangle them both and drag them into Dowoon’s place. 

Dowoon covers them both with blankets, just as Sungjin snickers to himself, “They’re such lightweights.”

As Dowoon walks Sungjin out, he sees Sungjin looking at the billboard again.

“What an unflattering picture of me.”

Dowoon snorts, sarcastically adding, “Yeah. Super ugly angle of you. The worst.”

What a lie. Sungjin looks like a damn supermodel.

Sungjin smiles at that, and asks, “How long has it been up?”

They’re both looking at the billboard, some advertisement he’s the ambassador for. It’s getting old now, the colours aren’t as vivid from all the sun exposure.

“Almost a year now, I think.”

“Damn,” Sungjin cringes, “Must be annoying.”

Sungjin turns to him.

“To see it everyday,” he adds.

Dowoon keeps his eyes locked on the Sungjin on the billboard, trying his best not to look at the one right next to him.

“Yeah. I’m gonna call the advertiser and put a picture of me instead.”

Sungjin laughs softly. Dowoon didn't mean to make it funny in the slightest, and he really did despise that billboard, but them having a normal conversation like this feels unreal. Feels like something that Dowoon wouldn't even dream of in a million years.

“Thank you. For today.”

“Mm.”

“Goodnight, Dowoonie.”

And Dowoon watches as Sungjin descends down the stairs and disappears into the night.

Dowoon doesn’t hear from Sungjin in a while, and it’s not like he’s keeping tabs on him or anything. He’s too stubborn to ask Younghyun and Wonpil about him too, so he decides that maybe this distance is for the best. He’s been having too much Sungjin time anyway.

That is until he receives a text in the middle of the night.

Park Sungjin (DON’T REPLY!!)

Are you free right now?

Dowoon stares at the text. Why is he asking him this? What time is it? Dowoon looks at the time on his phone, it’s close to 11pm. Dowoon hasn’t replied to any of his texts before (if he scrolls up on their conversation all the speech bubbles are on Sungjin’s side), but curiosity is gnawing at him.

me

why?

It doesn’t take long for Sungjin to respond to him.

Park Sungjin (DON’T REPLY!!)

I want to take a walk by the Han river

Just wanted to know if you’d like to join

Walk… by the Han river? What is this, a date? No, it can’t be. It’s 11pm, right? Why should he even go? No, why is Sungjin even asking? Is he out of his mind? There’s literally no reason for him to go. They’re barely even friends. They’re acquaintances, at most. Or people with mutual friends. Yeah. Dowoon can stay home and rest and relax-

He decides to ignore Sungjin’s text, although he’s doing a really bad job at it. He keeps glancing at his phone, seeing if another text would come, but it doesn’t even chime.

After 20 minutes of failing, Dowoon thinks it would be easier to just scroll on social media and fill his head with something else other than Sungjin.

“Sungjin on Instagram live!”

Ah.

Dowoon clicks on the link, and true to his word, Sungjin really is walking by the Han river. Dowoon can’t seem to pay attention to what Sungjin is saying, watching the live chat go wild with ‘stay warm’ and ‘take care’ and ‘i love you’s.

Why does Sungjin want him there?

Dowoon sighs. Fine, should he flip a coin? Maybe he should. Dowoon grabs a coin from his pouch, fingers slightly trembling as it balances over his thumb.

Heads, Dowoon goes. Dowoon goes to Sungjin and sees what this whole thing is about and possibly gets his heart broken (again). Tails, Dowoon stays.

Inhale. He flips the coin.

Just as the coin is in the air, Dowoon already knows his answer.

me

omw

Right before he goes to get ready, he watches the screen and sees in real time Sungjin receiving the text, his eyes looking at the top of his own screen. There’s a small smile at the edge of his lips before Sungjin announces that he might end the live soon.

Dowoon grabs his sweater and gets ready in record time. 

By the time Dowoon reaches Sungjin, it’s almost midnight and there’s not many people around. Sungjin still has his cap low on his head, just like Dowoon saw on his live, and Dowoon has his hood on.

Even though Dowoon texted Sungjin in advance, he still seemed surprised by Dowoon’s arrival, “I didn't think you would come.”

Dowoon shrugs, “Me neither, honestly.”

Dowoon isn’t sure why he’s here, or why he’s supposed to be here, and Sungjin seems to be thinking about what’s the best thing to say. They’re both clearly hesitating, but Dowoon takes the lead for once.

“So why did you invite me out?” Dowoon leans both his arms on the railing, head turned towards Sungjin.

Sungjin looks at the river, at the lights reflected on it, all of it reflected in Sungjin’s pretty eyes, and he looks like he’s faraway, and not here.

“I just wanted to clear my head.”

Dowoon’s brows furrowed together, “No offense, but you actually don’t need me to do that.”

Sungjin laughs. It’s as boisterous as it's always been.

Sungjin leans forward too, turning to look at Dowoon, “I… I guess I haven’t seen you in a while.”

The hood over his head is a lifesaver, because his ears are turning warmer at the statement. Fuck. It doesn’t mean anything. He’s just saying things. Dowoon really wants to push him into the river.

Dowoon pushes himself off the railing, putting his hands in his pockets.

“Well, you wanted to walk right? Let's walk.”

Dowoon doesn’t wait. As he walks in a random direction, he hears footsteps catching up to him, Sungjin slowly coming into his peripheral vision.

They don’t say anything for a while. They just enjoy each other’s company, the sound of the crickets and frogs surrounding them, the street lamps bright and reflecting on the water. It’s calm. For once, Dowoon doesn’t panic about Sungjin being next to him, they’re out together at midnight for God’s sake, just the two of them, but Dowoon feels strangely at ease.

It’s Sungjin who breaks the silence first. 

“Do you remember when-”

Dowoon deadpans, not even letting Sungjin finish his question, “Yeah. I remember.”

“Yah, you don't even-”

“You were going to mention me running away, right?”

Dowoon looks at Sungjin, and Sungjin is once again surprised by Dowoon tonight, probably not expecting himself to be so readable. 

But Sungjin has always been a book that Dowoon took time learning.

Sungjin scoffs, “Hah, yeah.”

“Agh, please just forget it,” Dowoon whines, “It's so embarrassing.”

It was so long ago, Dowoon feels like it’s a lifetime away, and it probably was. Dowoon was too stressed by training, he was second guessing even wanting to debut. Was it really his dream? And he ran away from the dorms all the way to this very river, the same view they’re looking at tonight.

Sungjin protests, “It’s not embarrassing. Everything was hard when we were trainees. I think it's understandable you felt that way.”

But Sungjin came and looked for him, and talked him down, and whispered words of encouragement, words of belief, words that brought Dowoon back from giving it all up and giving it away. Sungjin saved him, just like he always had, time and time again.

“And look how far you’ve come,” Sungjin adds.

It’s bittersweet.

It makes Dowoon speechless.

“I’m releasing a new album soon.”

Dowoon turns to Sungjin, listening intently. Their steps become slower, as the conversation becomes more heavy, dragging their feet along with it.

“I don't plan to promote it on shows or anything. I just need to get the words out.”

Dowoon watches as Sungjin kicks a rock on the ground. 

“I think I’ve been so pressured to always do well all the time. And I… I feel like I owe it to you at least.”

Huh?

“Whuh? Me?” Sungjin feels pressured? And owing it to Dowoon? What does Dowoon have to do with this? How is Dowoon connected in the grand scheme of things in Sungjin’s life? 

“Yeah. I just feel like, if I don’t succeed, then what was all that heartbreak for?”

Dowoon stops in his tracks.

This is the first time they’re referencing their past relationship. This is the first time they’re talking about their breakup. This is the first time, in a long time, that Sungjin and Dowoon are talking about them.

Does their heartbreak only have value when they succeed? If they failed, would all that sorrow have been for nothing?

Has Sungjin been working under the pretense that if he doesn’t succeed, then leaving Dowoon behind would have been in vain?

There’s too many questions running in Dowoon’s mind. What does Sungjin mean? What does Sungjin want from all this?

But Dowoon sees the dark circles under Sungjin’s eyes, he sees the sag in Sungjin’s shoulders, he sees how exhausted Sungjin is. 

Dowoon’s questions can wait.

Sungjin is looking back at him, Dowoon still standing in place. Dowoon inhales, “Honestly, if you feel like you owe it to me to be the top artist of all time, all the time , then don't. Just enjoy your life. You don't have to force yourself to do things you don’t want to do, or be someone you don’t want to be.”

Sungjin stares at him, eyes wide open.

“And I’m sure everyone will tune in to your new music anyway,” Dowoon adds. So what if Sungjin doesn’t promote his music, Dowoon’s sure the entirety of South Korea will tune in to his new album.

Sungjin doesn’t look away from Dowoon, words coming out soft, “Will you? Tune in?”

Hah, does he know that Dowoon doesn’t listen to any of his songs? Maybe Dowoon is still readable to Sungjin too.

“No promises,” Dowoon teases, keeping it light. Dowoon watches Sungjin look at the sky.

“Thank you. For what you said,” Sungjin turns to him again, “And for coming out here.”

Dowoon feels like that’s enough sentimentality for one night.

Dowoon walks past Sungjin, trying to get Sungjin’s sullen face out of his mind, “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you owe me fishcake for this.”

He doesn’t see Sungjin, but he can hear the smile in his voice.

“I’ll buy you as many as you want.”

When Sungjin’s new album is released, he makes it a point to come to their company to hand deliver it straight to them.

It’s signed and everything. Maybe Dowoon can sell this online. Then he sees Sungjin’s writing on the album.

“Dowoon, don’t even think of reselling this.”

Ugh, fine . Party pooper. He’ll sell Wonpil’s one then.

That day, there was a flurry of articles talking about Sungjin’s new music, and people analyzing all the songs included in them. He’s scared to read any of it.

To be honest, Dowoon is nervous. Dowoon hasn’t listened to any of Sungjin’s music on purpose, and this is the first time that he feels he should . The album stares at Dowoon from its place on his table.

Okay, deep breaths. It’s an album. Sungjin’s album. Sungjin’s album that Sungjin specifically said ‘he just wanted to get the words out’. Okay. Okay-

He decides to forgo unboxing the album and just stream it instead.

Hm. 30. Nice name for an album. Very Sungjin.

He’s barely halfway into it when he concludes that Sungjin’s new album is going to be the cause of Dowoon’s death.

It feels too personal. Too close to the depths of Sungjin’s soul and Dowoon doesn't want to know. He feels like he’s intruding on Sungjin’s personal life that he hasn’t been a part of. He doesn't want to listen to the songs on it but it's so good yet so, so sad . Dowoon is just lying on his bed, earphones blasting these songs that hurt him, and he’s paralyzed by all the words and emotions.

Then the last song comes on. Dowoon braces himself for impact.

“They say time is a cure, but maybe that’s not the case after all.”

Well, fuck Dowoon, he guesses.

“I loved you so much,

I let you go,

And I should’ve cried at that time.

Why now does it torment me like this?”

Dowoon can feel the tears pooling in his eyes. He’s staring at his ceiling, listening to Sungjin beg and plead. He brings his arm to cover his eyes, as if it would stop the ache, as if his tears would stop flowing.

“Maybe I should’ve emptied everything back then, all the love I had left.”

He looks at the title of the song. 

Memories.

Dowoon doesn’t want to listen to a Sungjin song ever again.

Dowoon and Sungjin’s weird friendship becomes weirder after that. Although it’s mostly weirder on Dowoon’s side.

They still talk to each other occasionally when they meet during the forced meet-ups Younghyun and Wonpil drag him to, but now Dowoon has this odd feeling settling in his chest, and strange thoughts circling over his head.

All those questions he thought about when he met Sungjin by the river comes back to plague his brain, and his newly released album doesn’t help Dowoon’s situation at all. Dowoon doesn’t need all this, really. Hasn’t he fully accepted the role he had to play in Sungjin’s life? But well, Sungjin is the one who is suddenly shuffling Dowoon from an audience member to a character on the stage of his life, and Dowoon did not ask for this. What the hell is Sungjin even doing? What does he even want from Dowoon?

But the most important question is this: is Dowoon even ready to know Sungjin’s answers?

He isn’t ready to face his own feelings. And he’s definitely not ready to face any of Sungjin’s.

Maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t know. He can play along, he can play a minor character in Sungjin’s life, he can continue to gravitate in Sungjin’s orbit, he can watch Sungjin in all his glory from afar, and he doesn’t have to get hurt for it.

As all these confusing emotions swirl inside Dowoon, life continues to move on without any remorse.

Besides the fishing show that Dowoon and Sungjin both went on together, there were some other programs that invited Sungjin with Younghyun, and some with Wonpil.

One of the shows with Younghyun just aired recently, and Dowoon is bored out of his mind at home when he decides to watch it on Youtube, scrolling the comments at the same time.

“Young K is so fond of Sungjin!”

“That's his hyung!”

“I love them together!”

Okay. This is fine. It’s fine.

“They look so good together!”

Okay, maybe not so fine.

Dowoon’s head hurts. Oh, sure, they look good together. Too good in fact. They fit so well, and Dowoon feels like he might explode into a million pieces. 

He doesn't even know why 21-year old Sungjin wanted to date him of all people, but this shiny, golden Sungjin, definitely suits Younghyun more. Hell, he probably suits Wonpil too. The only person that he doesn't suit is Dowoon, and Dowoon doesn't know how to feel about it. He can't decide. 

People love their content together with Sungjin, and more people are getting interested in them as a band, and this is all great and dandy if it didn't take a massive toll on Dowoon's mental health. He wonders if he's done irreversible damage to his psyche.

Maybe he should stop reading people’s comments.

“They’d make a great couple.”

Dowoon needs a drink. Or ten.

Dowoon is in a daze.

He doesn’t remember where he is exactly, or how many drinks he’s had, or why he’s here in the first place. The last time he drank was when they had that barbecue…

He’s looking through the contacts in his phone and presses ‘Call’. He’s sleepy. Oh, so sleepy. He hears the other end of the line pick up, and he doesn’t remember how words work. Hm. What did he want to do again?

He hears talking and tries to talk back, but he doesn’t know if he’s making any sense.

He doesn’t know how much time passes. He has one hand on a can of beer (is it empty?), his head on the table, when he feels someone nudge his shoulder. Ugh. That can wait. He’s too busy thinking. He mumbles out a sentence or two but he can’t hear what he’s saying.

Sungjin. He hasn’t seen Sungjin in a while. Is it Sungjin in front of him? He wants it to be. He misses Sungjin so much. Where’s Sungjin?

“Let’s get you home,” he hears. Are they talking to him?

Oh, he remembers now. Sungjin doesn’t love him.

The probability of Sungjin choosing him was already one in 6 billion. The fact that Dowoon managed that was seven lifetimes’ worth of luck. And now the odds of Sungjin choosing him again will be even slimmer. Sungjin has so many choices now. And Dowoon… is just Dowoon. Ah. He needs another drink. He doesn’t want to remember all this. Where’s the bartender?

He feels his arm being moved across someone’s shoulder, and his legs feel like jelly at the moment, and by the time he’s being put into a car with a seatbelt pulled across his body, he feels like he might pathetically cry himself to sleep.

Is that his phone ringing? Who is even calling at this hour?

He groggily turns to his bedside table, reaching out for his phone with his eyes closed.

He squints at the bright screen, and the name that appears wakes him completely.

Dowoon.