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“What did you want to be when you were a child?”
The question caught copia by surprise, he hadn’t heard anyone approach the little chamber of the ministry where his brothers lay. Ghosts didn’t have footsteps so who could blame him. He saw the red heels first and rose his head to look at at the women he now know to be his mother, her half visible figure was standing next to him although he could hardly see her through the blur of tears. Copia quickly wiped his eyes knowing that Sister Imperator would not stand for hysterics especially not coming from the head of the clergy. He hoped that his mamma might care but it seemed that was not the Imperator he was faced with. He lowered his gaze back to her shoes, the red ones that she always wore, he remembered when he was little more than a child and he believed that they were like the slippers from the wizard of Oz. He had hoped that if the heels were clicked they would also grant a wish and he had snuck into her rooms one day to try and wish himself a better life but it never worked. Odd, he still wished for that now.
Copia tried not to think about the question, he didn’t like to dwell on his early dreams not now he was trapped, trapped in the clergy, trapped in a broken family and trapped in a face he didn’t always recognise in the mirror. He felt like crying all over again. Why she wanted to know this now he couldn’t understand. Reaching out to check the cane was still there next to him Copia took a deep breath but didn’t reply. “Really Cardi, I expect an answer. I was only asking because I care. Although it must have been papa.” Imperator snapped sounding just like the head of the clergy, she had gotten it completely wrong, would she ever have learnt to be a mother he wondered or would more time just have pushed them further apart. “Do you care?” He couldn’t help saying, “I’ve already changed my face because of you, I’m in your position, I was papa. What more could I want.” He still stubbornly avoided her gaze choosing to look down at the massive grucifix on his chest, “Copia, I did it because I wanted you to be secure, safe.” He shouldn’t contradict her, it was too dangerous but he couldn’t help it and he wondered if this was how normal people felt arguing with their parents but as this was his first experience he couldn’t say. “You have a funny way of showing it mamma. Look at what you did to my brothers to give me that safety,” he gestured to the three boxes covered in flowers, “you banished Aether, the ghoul I loved because you said he was getting in the way of my mission.”
“Like I said protecting you.” Copia just shook his head letting out a little laugh, “most mothers don’t send their sons partner away, most mothers don’t force their sons into a position where he changes his face and lives in constant fear of being murdered. I just wanted a family.” Neither of them said anything for a while. It seemed strange to copia, he had always wanted Imperators approval and done whatever he could to get it but it had never worked and now he didn’t care, he could see her for who she really was. Yes she showed him occasional kindness when he was a child but she had known he was her son even as he suffered in the ministry orphanage, she had groomed him his whole life for the position as frater Imperator he had begun to loathe, he was still essentially her puppet because she was the one scheduling tours and using a radio while hw cried into his rat cage at night. She had never cared a bit about his dreams and ambitions, she let them shatter just like that chandelier that fell down in the main hall when he was 15, as long as he had served the clergy she didn’t care about him he was as valuable as the shattered glass fragments scattered across the tiled floor. He had tried to rescue some because he know what it was like to be cast aside even then, he still had some of the more intact drops in a box somewhere but he had ended up cutting his fingers into ribbons, something that he would become all to familiar with over time as he destroyed himself for other people.
“I wanted to be a dancer. A ballet dancer.” He finally answered, “The ministry paid for my lessons, I was quite good.” It was bragging but he needed to say it to make it feel real again, sometimes he wondered if he had dreamed the whole thing but the acceptance letter to one of the most prestigious dance academies that lay crumpled in a box under his sagging mattress wasn’t always a good enough reminder. He slowly stood wincing as he felt a familiar jolt of pain go through his hip and down his knee. Copia leaned more on his cane as he looked his mamma in the eyes, “I had better go, I will see you in tomorrows meeting.” He stumbled as he stepped through her and Imperator reached out to catch him even though it would be useless in her current state, “Cardi are you okay?” He managed a small smile for her, she did care at least in the small moments where the ministry wouldn’t be put in danger by a brief show of affection. “Just an old injury mamma, don’t worry I’ve gotten used to it by now.” He did still love his mother, it wasn’t her fault that she became reliant on the ministry during her time of need or that mess with Nihil, he knew that she was the one who personally paid for his dance lessons even though she had tried to hide it. It wasn’t either of their fault that the ministry came first and had torn what could been a loving relationship, it was broken before it even began but Copia accepted it. He gave one last teary smile before turning away, he knew Imperator watched as her son walked away but somethings couldn’t be repaired easily, especially on a night like this so he kept walking away.