Chapter Text
The early morning serenity of the Loud House was abruptly stifled by the sound of water rushing through pipes, and the creaking of the house's sole bathroom door at it slid open. From within emerged Lincoln Loud, generally damp, and clad only in a towel, but emanating the healthy glow of one who had just completed their morning hygiene routine. The sole male loud sibling gave the hallway an analytical glance, and upon determining that he was, in fact, its sole occupant, gently slid the door behind him shut, before abruptly pivoting to the side, and pushing his way through the adjacent room. One which was quite large, and contained only a single bed, which was a rare find in a house that strained to accommodate its 13 occupants.
Sealing his door behind him, Lincoln made to remove his towel...only to stop at the last moment, and smile.
"Oh, hello," He said, somewhere vaguely to the side. "Almost didn't notice you there. As you can see, you didn't catch me at the best time, but I can work with this."
"The upside of being an early riser," He began, as he made his way across the room and slipped into his closet, completely obscuring himself from the view of anyone who might be watching him, "Is that I pretty much have free reign of the house. Naturally, I take advantage of that to have a good, long shower. It's a bit of a luxury, but...honestly, I kind of need it."
A moment later, Lincoln emerged from the closet, fully clothed in the orange polo shirt and jeans, a look that had become something of a trademark for him.
"See, the reason I get up so early to begin with…," He continued, pausing briefly to give himself a quick once over in the mirror, before making some minor adjustments to his hair, "...is that as the oldest sibling, it's my job to get everyone else out of bed and out the door."
"It's not the easiest thing to do," He said, shrugging helplessly. "But in our family, everyone contributes in their own way, and this is one of mine. And since you're here, you might as well come along."
Completing his ensemble by slipping on his socks and sneakers, Lincoln beckoned, as if he expected to be followed, before silently slipping outside his door, and once again, gently sliding it shut behind him.
"The girls all have...unique reactions to being woken up," He explained, his voice barely a whisper. "So the most effective way to go about this is to tackle each of them one at a time. And since I normally start with the twins...it's entirely possible I might end up meaning that literally."
Lightly stepping his way down the hall, Lincoln stopped at the appropriate door and pressed his ear against it. There was a sound akin to the sawing of logs, but by focusing, beneath it he could detect a very light rustling. Lincoln nodded to himself, then raised one hand, and gently began to tap his index and middle fingers upon the door in quick, rhythmic beats. Almost immediately, he could hear the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps scurrying towards the door, and after a few moments more he hopped backward, landing just far away enough to clear the doorway.
It was none too soon, as the door burst open, and out popped a little blonde girl, still wearing her pajamas, and with a long net clutched tightly between her hands. She glanced to her left, then to her right and given the sharp intake of breath she took, it seemed that was when she finally took notice of him.
"Lincoln!" Lana exclaimed, mercifully with enough sense to keep her voice down. Abruptly, she dropped her net to the ground and dashed over to her brother.
"Lana," Lincoln greeted the girl, opening his arms as she flung herself at him, and pulling her into a hug. "You're awake. And...not getting ready for school."
"I was gonna!" She protested. Lincoln simply looked at the net that was now on the floor.
"...Eventually," Lana added, following his gaze.
"I think you mean now," Lincoln gently corrected her, as he peered past her and into her room. "And since Lola's still asleep, you can start by waking her up."
"Aw come on!" Lana pleaded, pulling away from Lincoln and looking up at him with what he assumed was the most pitiable look she could muster. He had to admit, it was pretty darn good.
"I've still got the bite marks from last time!" She continued, holding up her arm for his inspection. True to her word, there was a rather noticeable bite pattern on her forearm, much like what a dog would leave behind. If the dog was missing its front teeth, naturally.
"I need you to handle this, Lans," Lincoln said, patting his little sister on the shoulder. "Dad's got Lily for the day, but I've still got eight other sisters to wrangle. I could really use your help."
Lana peered back at her still-snoring twin and let out a sigh of resignation.
"Fine," She muttered, puffing out her cheeks in annoyance. "I just hope Lisa's still got bandages…"
"Actually," Lincoln interjected. "I might be able to help you there. Give me a sec… and also your arm."
Looking confused, Lana nevertheless extended her arm. As she did so, Lincoln reached into his pocket and produced a roll of duct tape. Pulling off a long strand, he began wrapping it around the girl's arm, and a few moments later, her forearm was now covered in a thick blob of tape.
"This...might actually work," Lana murmured, poking her new accessory experimentally, before giving Lincoln a big grin. "Thanks, bro!"
"Anytime," He chuckled, as Lana stood on her tip-toes and pecked him on the cheek. He returned the gesture as the younger girl exposed her own cheek to him, ruffled her hair, and started on his way, letting out a small sigh of relief as the twins' door slid shut.
He was about halfway to his next destination when he stumbled, as a minor tremor shook the house.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MISSED LINKY?" An angry, muffled roar reverberated through the walls, and upon hearing and feeling that, Lincoln made the calm and rational decision to walk a little faster.
"This room used to be a linen closet," Lincoln remarked, conversationally as he approached the room in question. "But space here is kind of at a premium, so now we use it for the youngest girls. Granted, it's not really a long-term solution, but…"
His face grew somewhat melancholic. "I guess it doesn't really need to be. Anyway..."
Raising his fist, Lincoln gently rapped his knuckles against the door. Three precise taps, and...the door swung open.
"Greetings, eldest sibling," Said Lisa, from just inside the doorway. Mercifully, she appeared to be fully dressed, and about as groomed as she was going to get.
"Hey, Lees," Lincoln replied, giving the younger girl a short wave. "Just checking in. But it seems like you're more or less ready to go—"
"Indeed," The diminutive scientist interjected. "It's taken some doing, but I've put my body on a strict bowel movement schedule. Which, fortuitously enough, ensures that I'm up early enough to prepare myself for school. After I've taken care of my morning ablutions, of course."
"That's...great, Lisa," Lincoln replied, grimacing slightly before managing to reassert control of his face. "Anyway, since you seem to have things taken care of, I'm just going to move along and—"
"Wait, Lincoln!" Lisa exclaimed, waving her tiny arm frantically as she tried to get his attention. Mildly bewildered by the sudden interruption to his routine, the young man nevertheless stopped and nodded for her to continue.
"Did you, perchance, have an opportunity to talk to our parental units about my request?"
He sighed and gave his sister an apologetic shrug. "I did. And for the record, I went to bat for you as best I could, but it's the same old story. We can't afford to expand your room right now. Which means—"
"—No lab equipment," The younger girl concluded, letting out a disappointed groan. "I am more than aware of the state of our finances, but I was hoping mother and father might have something squirreled away, metaphorically speaking. How am I supposed to cure cancer when I'm limited to only using the school's substandard lab for only a few hours each day?"
"...Which is why," Lincoln continued, revealing the grin he'd been smothering. "I convinced them to let you use the garage for your lab space! Granted, it's probably going to take a couple of weekends of us working together to clear out all the clutter, and then we'll have to figure out how we're going to get you that stuff you need, but it's a start, right?"
"It most certainly is!" Lisa exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "Thank you, Lincoln!"
Internally sighing with relief that the compromise he'd brokered had been acceptable, Lincoln began to hold out his arms...only to stop mid-motion.
"Oh, wait," He said, frowning in concentration. "You're trying out that uh, no human contact thing, right?"
"I am, but I can suspend the experiment on this occasion," Lisa replied, scurrying over and throwing her arms around his waist. Snorting in amusement, Lincoln leaned down and returned the hug.
"...Now complete the ritual," The scientist added, impatiently.
"Oh, right," Lincoln replied, leaning down and giving his sister a peck on the cheek. "There you go, Lisa."
"Thank you, big brother," The brunette replied, responding in kind.
"Those were the easy ones," Lincoln remarked as he stopped in front of another door, gently rapped on it with his knuckles, and turned around, leaving his back to the door. "Now things get a little...trickier."
Hearing the familiar creak of the door opening behind him, Lincoln nodded to himself, spun around…
...and blanched, as what greeted him was a pair of bare, shapely legs that were about as long as he was tall, mercifully terminating just above a set of freckled thighs, thanks to a bunched-up purple nightshirt. Again, Lincoln spun around, trying to fight down the heat he could feel blooming in his cheeks.
"Y-you see," Lincoln explained, as he tried to regain his composure. "Being…'vertically challenged', in a family that tends to skew tall, comes with...unique challenges, especially when you're the oldest. But I've never—GAAH!"
Lincoln's explanation was abruptly interrupted as a pair of hands began rhythmically began beating against his head, pounding out a rather complex beat that, in other circumstances probably would have been quite catchy. Here though…
"I've never let it get me down," Lincoln concluded, before sucking in a lungful of air and whirling around.
"LUNA! WAKE UP!"
The effect was instantaneous.
"G'night St. Louis!" The bedraggled brunette exclaimed as her eyes shot open. She blinked in confusion, seemingly trying to process her surroundings, before tilting her head slightly downward and meeting his gaze.
"Oh. Hey, Linc," She said, sounding bewildered. "Dude, what the heck happened to your hair?"
"You did," He deadpanned, as he tried to mold his hair back into submission. Fortunately, from the way she winced, it seemed she'd taken his meaning.
"Was I sleep drumming again?" She asked.
"Yeah, but from the sound of it, it was a pretty good show."
Involuntarily, Lincoln's eyes lowered a fraction of an inch, and he let out a polite cough.
"A-also," He added, feeling his face began to heat up ever so slightly, "Your...uh, night shirt's riding up a bit."
"My night…" Luna began to repeat, confused, only to freeze up as she looked down.
"G-gaah!" The brunette gurgled, her face turning bright crimson.
"I've always said that if you guys got in a fight, Luna would beat you like a drum, but this is ridiculous!"
Lincoln's attention was mercifully drawn away from his sister's wardrobe malfunction as Luan's smiling face poked through the doorway.
"Get it?" The comedienne asked before breaking out into a fit of giggles, only to abruptly stop as she herself looked down.
"Wow, Luna," Luan remarked, sounding impressed. "Glad to see you're stepping up your game!"
"S-shut up, Luan!" Growled the red-faced rocker, as she finally managed to untangle her shirt, and yanked the hem down as far as it would go.
...It still came up rather short, in Lincoln's opinion. Which probably meant that it was time for her to get a new one. Not that he was going to be the one to point that out.
"Okay," Lincoln said, trying to assert control of the situation. "So, school day, you guys know the drill. And since I've still got other stops to make—"
"Not so fast!" Luan interjected, "Out of the way, Gams…"
She pushed her way to the front by hip-checking the still flustered-looking Luna, and grinned down at Lincoln. Still wearing her own pajamas, he mentally noted.
"You've still got a job to do, big bro," Luan continued, dropping to her knees and flinging her arms wide. "Now get over here!"
The taller girl lurched forward, preparing to ensnare Lincoln with her arms...only to be interrupted as he reached up and snatched one hand mid-motion. Gently, but firmly applying pressure, Lincoln twisted her hand around, revealing the small piece of paper that was stuck against her palm.
"Sit on me," it read.
"Nice try, Luan," Lincoln deadpanned, plucking the makeshift sign from her grasp, balling it up, and slipping it into his pocket.
"Eh, you got me," The brunette replied, shrugging without a shred of remorse. "Now gimme my hug!"
Trusting his now quiet danger-sense, Lincoln complied, pulling the comedienne into a brief, but tight hug. A moment later, he followed it up with a peck on her cheek.
"And…" She continued, "Right...in...the kisser!"
Her face darted forward incredibly fast, such that had Lincoln not instinctively turned his head to the side, her joke may have very well become truth. Instead, her lips harmless pressed against his cheek.
"Good one, Luan," He said, freeing the comedienne from his grasp. To his surprise, Luan's only response was to angrily puff out her cheeks, before she climbed back to her feet and took a big step back into the room.
"...Right then," Lincoln said, mildly confused at how that played out. He then turned to Luna. "Lunes? You want—?"
Immediately, the elder of the two brunettes dropped to her knees and beckoned him with her arms. Unable to stop himself from smiling, Lincoln stepped forward, pulled his sister into a tight hug, and gave her the customary peck on the cheek.
... only to immediately regret doing so as he felt her stiffen in his arms.
"Aw, sorry Lunes," He apologized, as he began to release his sister. "Wasn't really thinking, but I guess you're probably getting a little too old to get kisses from your—"
"N-no, no! It's fine!" The rocker protested, pressing herself against him, and mashing her lips against his cheek, resulting in a kiss that was longer, and quite a bit wetter than it should have been.
"...You're lucky Sam's not the jealous type," Luan remarked, as the siblings awkwardly separated from each other. "Or me, for that matter."
"Nearly there," Lincoln said, looking significantly more haggard than he had been at the start of this trip. "But this is the one I probably should have done after eating some breakfast…"
Nevertheless, he repeated his routine, walking up to the door and rapping his knuckles on it. This time, however, he took a big step to the side and crouched down.
"HIIIIYAAA!"
The door exploded outward, nearly flying off its hinges and out flew a red, white, and brunette blur, soaring gracefully through the air with a perfectly executed flying kick. It was almost a shame that there was nothing but empty air in her path.
"Wuh…" Lynn Loud uttered, blinking in bewilderment as she landed lightly on her feet, and peered around at the seemingly empty hallway. "What the—!"
Sensing his moment, Lincoln charged forward, slamming into the girl with all the force he could muster. To Lynn's credit, she recovered beautifully from being caught flat-footed, whirling around as he crashed into her and very nearly nailing him with an elbow to his face. But Lincoln, knowing his sister's habits, kicked one foot out from under her, sending her crashing to the ground. And before she could recover, he grabbed one of her arms and yanked it behind her.
"How the hell are you doing this?" Lynn growled as she thrashed angrily in his grip. "I've been hitting the weights all month!"
"Oh please," Lincoln scoffed, giving the younger girl a confident smirk. "I've been wrangling Lori since you were in diapers. You think I haven't picked up a few tricks? Case in point…"
Lincoln shifted his weight and dug his knee into the small of Lynn's back, eliciting a yelp of pain from the brunette.
"Alright, alright!" She shouted, taking her free hand and slamming it onto the ground three times. "I'm out!"
Nodding in satisfaction, Lincoln released the girl, and allowed her to climb to her feet.
"I'm gonna beat you one of these days," She grumbled, though the grin she gave him took most of the sting out of her words.
"...Maybe sooner than later," She added, placing one hand atop her head, and then moving it over Lincoln's, showing that there was already a slight, but noticeable difference in heights.
"If you think that's all it takes, you've got another thing coming," Lincoln chuckled, pulling Lynn into a headlock, which quickly turned into a mutual hug.
"You uh, gonna be good to go, LJ?" Lincoln asked, giving his sister the customary peck on the cheek, and then wrinkling his nose. "You might want to see if you can squeeze in a quick change of clothes. And...maybe a shower."
"Nah," The younger girl replied, returning the customary kiss. "Got practice first thing anyway, so why bother?"
"Because it would make the trip to school much more bearable for the rest of us," Intoned a gravelly voice just off to the side. The still-hugging siblings yelped in unison as they turned to find a black-clad young girl now standing in what had just previously been thin air.
"Lucy," Lincoln sighed, as he released Lynn and stepped towards the younger of the sisters. "Glad to see you look ready to go, at least."
"I never sleep," said the raven-haired girl, her lips quirking upward into a small smile. "Incidentally, you should probably ask Mom for something to help with your sleep posture. It's quite bad."
Lincoln abruptly halted mid-stride.
"...I thought I boarded up that vent that hangs over my bed," He said, eyeing the younger girl warily.
"You did," She replied, stepping forward and kissing him on the cheek. "Good morning, big brother."
"Last...stop," Lincoln wheezed stopping before the final door. "Just...going to take a minute...to catch my—"
"LINKY!" A high-pitched shriek rang out as the door burst open, very nearly smacking into him. But before he could even process this fortune, a long pair of arms scooped him off his feet and wrapped tightly around him, holding him snuggly.
...Lincoln recalled that Mom had needed to take Leni shopping for new bras only a few days earlier. And now, he had a strong suspicion he knew why.
"Leni!" He shouted, his voice muffled by the soft curves he was currently being mashed into. "We talked about this!"
"Oops," Abruptly the pressure lessened, and Lincoln was able to pull away far enough to see his sister's embarrassed face. "Sorry about that, Linky…"
"It's fine," He reassured her, knowing he was incapable of staying angry at his sweetest sister. "Just, put me down, alright?"
To her credit, Leni immediately complied. But rather than letting him go, she simply placed him back on his feet and remained entwined with him as best as she could manage.
"Every morning with this!" Groaned another familiar voice, as the eldest of his sisters stepped into view. "Aren't you ever going to grow out of this routine, Leni?"
"Never!" Shouted the younger of the two blondes, as she nuzzled her face against Lincoln's.
Trying to ignore the enthusiastic blonde that was currently attached to him, Lincoln looked past her to Lori, who simply stared back at him, looking very unimpressed. To his mild annoyance, she was still wearing her sleeping shirt and shorts.
"It's a school day, Lori," He said, knowing it was unnecessary. "Hurry up and get ready!"
"Yeah...about that," said the blonde, walking over to the sibling pair and smirking down at him. Looking back up, Lincoln noted that her shirt clung to her almost impossibly tightly, vividly outlining every detail of her curvaceous body, and he found himself wondering how she could possibly find that comfortable to sleep in.
"See, it occurred to me," Lori continued, crossing her arms under her breasts, "That you're responsible for getting us all to school on time. And if I just choose to...not go, there isn't a whole lot a twerp like you can do to stop me."
"...You're seriously pulling this?" He deadpanned. "Now? You know mom's going to kill you if you skip school."
"Only mostly kill me," Lori countered. "If it looks like Big Brother (he could taste the sarcasm in those words) can't do his job, Mom and Dad are going to seriously reconsider trusting you to do anything in the future. Seems to me, like if you want to stay in their good graces…"
She leaned over, and flashed him a cocky grin. "You're going to have to give me some incentive if you want me to play along. So, make me an offer."
"...Here's an offer," Lincoln countered, narrowing his eyes at the blonde. "Get ready for school, or I won't drive you and your friends to the mall."
Lori's eyes widened in shock. "Y-you can't do that! You already promised!"
"Promise revoked," Lincoln replied with a grin. "Complain to Mom if you want. Just let me know so I can be there for it."
"I-I'll drive myself!" Lori replied. "You're not the only one with a license anymore!"
"No, but I am the only one with your keys!" Said Lincoln, pulling his keyring out of his pocket. Which, in a bizarre, and inadvertent imitation of Luan's scarf trick, kept on going as a second set of keys followed the first. "Remember? Mom gave them to me to hold onto after that stunt that got you grounded."
"I-I!" Lori sputtered. "Y-you!" She fumed for several moments longer, before her shoulders sagged, and she let out an exasperated sigh.
"...Fine," She grumbled. "You win."
Lincoln's response was a simple nod. "Breakfast in ten," He added.
He started to leave but was then reminded of the large, blonde girl who was still attached to him.
"Leni?" He asked, gently nudging his sister. "I've got to get going."
"Not till I get my kiss!" The fashionista replied, pouting at him. Unable to resist, Lincoln let out a bemused snort as he pulled the girl close and gave her the requested kiss on the cheek.
"MMMMWA!" Was the sound Leni made as she enthusiastically returned the gesture. Significantly less enthusiastically, she slowly untangled herself from her brother and climbed to her feet. She then favored Lincoln with one last smile, and retreated back into the room.
Relieved that his job was finally done, for the moment, Lincoln exhaled deeply, and turned to leave.
...only to stop as a hand was placed on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw that it was Lori who was now crouching over him."
"It's a pretty cruddy thing for a brother to play favorites like that," She remarked, her face unreadable.
"Meaning what?" Lincoln asked.
In response, Lori got down on her knees and held her arms out. Finally taking her meaning, Lincoln let out a small sigh but nevertheless walked into his sister's embrace.
"Good morning, Lori," He said, standing on his tip-toes as he kissed his sister on the cheek.
"Good morning" She replied, lowering her face and responding in kind. "Linky."