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"Welcome to KFC, may I take your order?”
Virgil hated the drive thru.
He also hated the kitchen.
And the front cash register.
And opening.
And closing.
Virgil pretty much hated his entire job.
“Yeah! Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh…”
Virgil rolls his eyes and leans forward in the tiny cramped space that was half register and half storage closet and bangs his forehead on the front wall.
“Do you guys have happy meals?”
“No sir, this is a KFC. We do have kids meals.”
“Do they come with toys?”
Remus walks by, toward the back, a (hopefully) empty chicken bucket on his head.
“No sir, just food.”
“Oh.”
Remus comes back with the mob and wheely bucket, chewing on a (hopefully) cooked chicken bone.
“Is there anything i can get you today sir?” Virgil was out of patience. But he also woke up out of patience, and he went to bed last night out of patience.
“Uh………”
Virgil flips up his hood, and stuffs his zipper in his pocket. *Don’t scream, Don’t scream, Don’t scream,Don’t scream…”
Janus walks by, looking annoyed, and grabs the “Warning: wet floor” sign that was tucked under Virgil's knees.
HONK!!!!
Apparently the car behind Mr. never-has-seen-a-menu was getting impatient too. The honk, though very understandable, did make Virgil jump and hit his head on the shelf above him, causing a stack of paper cups to rain down on him.
“Chicken!” the panicked voice over the intercom barks.
“Good choice. 2, 4 or 6 piece?” Virgil asks, touching his screen to wake it up. POS was right.
“Uhhhhhhh….”
“MAY I SUGGEST THE 4 PIECE?” Virgil screams into the mic.
“Temest tongue!!” Janus tuts from the front.
“Yes! Er…yes please!” the guy finally decides.
“Pull up to the second window.” Virgil instructs, throwing his hand out of his nook and giving the bird to anyone who was nearby.
Virgil leans back, taking a breath. He didn’t have to handle money or hand out food, cook, or face customers. He cleaned and helped close after hours. But while they were open, he just manned the intercom for the drive-thru. It was the worst and the best job in the rundown KFC in his hometown.
“When is whats-his-face getting here?” Virgil calls out
“He called in!” Janus calls back.
“Shit.” Virgil puts his head on the POS point of sale touch screen. “God damn him and his orange backside.” With the call out that meant that Virgil would have to man the drive thru and the window at the same time for an hour.
Remus brings the mop and wheely bucket back to the back closet, the chicken bucket still on his head. “Chin up Vergie, it's almost 9 o’cuck”
Virgil rolls his eyes, but checks his phone on the sly when Remus was out of sight. The Lighter side of life improv club had their classes on Tuesdays and Fridays until 9. And everywhere else in town closed at 9. And if Virgil kept the intercom hot those extra couple of minutes those days…well…that was his own business.
It was only 6 o’oclock.
Damn Remus.
“Hello?!??”
The voice over the intercom startles virgil again, his head hits the shelf, and drink tops flutter on his head. God damn sensor is out again
It was going to be a long three hours.
“Welcome to KFC, may I take your order?”
……
“Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!” Patton chants in the backseat as Logan drives from the community theater.
“... and i looooved the way Joan was like, ‘I can’t believe you broke my vase’ and we just went off from there….” Roman goes over the highlights of the evening in the front seat next to Logan.
“You should order a vegetable.” Logan says with a glance to the rearview mirror to patton in the back.
“Do mashed po-”
“Mashed potatoes and gravy do not count as a vegetable.” Logan sighs. He enjoyed improv class. He did. He enjoyed how it had gotten him to think outside the box, that socializing was good for a balanced life, and that he had been given full powers to name everything.
“....and Remy with his butt wiggle…”
“Can we get dessert?”
Logan sighs. It was just that everything had gotten a little repetitive. It was the same people, at the same time, doing the same dozen or so theater games, then it was the same dinner and the same conversations every week.
“....And Emile! Oh my God! His impression of daffy duck was spot on….”
“What if i get coleslaw? THEN can we get chocolate cake?”
Joan with their break out ideas, Remy and his sexual humor, Emile’s knack for impressions.
Roman recapping.
Patton fixated on food.
Rinse.
Repeat.
It was a small town, so having even a handful of folks who got together regularly was a miracle on it’s own. They needed new ideas. New blood. New people.
Logan pulls into the drive thru. He didn’t even like KFC. It was just the only place that was open after 9.
“Welcome to KFC, may I take your order?”
And technically it wasn’t supposed to be…
“Yeah…how are you doing tonight Virgil?”
..but somehow….every Tuesday and Friday….
“Oh! Hey! Just in time you guys! We were about to close!”
….they always made it just in time.
………………
“Close it up! Close it up! They are here!” Virgil hisses muting his mic.
“Ding dong! Dorks are here!” Remus sings, using the mop bucket as a skateboard, riding it to the doors to lock them.
“Ugh finally.” Janus moans, shutting off the dining room lights.
““Oh! Hey! Just in time you guys! We were about to close!” Virgil says upbeat into the mic.
“Lucky us again it seems. We will be quick.” The guy who ordered was like a soothing balm on virgil’s brain. He always seemed to have memorized the menu, and never needed to ask his friends theirs. The preparedness! The awareness of people’s time!
“When ever your ready”
“The 8 piece meal with coleslaw and mash potaoes with gravy.” the guy orders, and virgil punches it in.
“Extra gravy?”
“Yes please.”
“And two extra biscuits?” Virgil found the same order every time to be incredibly soothing
“Yes please.”
“AND CAKE!” one of the other voices, the more upbeat one calls out into virgil’s ears.
“Cake?” he confirms
“Yes…cake.” the calm guy says resigned.
“GOOSE!!” the third voice screams so loudly virgil can hear it thru the wall and his head sit
“Goose?” Virgil asks over the mic
“Goose??” Remus says coming over to Virgil.
“Goose!” the calm guy doesn’t sound so calm anymore.
…….
“Goose!” Logan points to the very large Canadian goose on his hood.
The goose, a large and irritated creature is currently honking at Logan as if the man personally offended him.
“Awww it's a goose!” Patton coos from the back.
“Hey Patty cake….” Roman starts turning around to talk Patton down from leaving.
And with a excited slam of the door, Patton is already halfway to the goose.
“Um Virgil….??” Logan says into the intercom “we have a slight pest issue on the outside of your establishment….”
“Yeah? That goose? What's that guy doing??” Virgil asks over the intercom sounding panicked.
“Patton is going to attempt to pet the goose.”
“WHA–" BUUZZZZSH The intercom’s feed back cuts off the rest of Virgil’s exclamation.
“I'm going to go get him!” Roman gets out of the car, a cheap katana prop in hand.
Patton was holding out his hand to the goose, and Logan winces over what he knows will come next.
Honk! Honk!! Hissssss*
The goose is not happy over Patton's offering nor tolerant about being petted.
A man comes out of the building, with a…chicken bucket? On his head, and welding a mob, running full tilt toward the goose.
Between the mop guy and Roman, the goose was surly to be scared off.
……..
Virgil was watching the drive thru camera as the goose was fending off both Remus and the guy with the ninja sword. “What the heck!” Janus comes over and looks over Virgil's shoulder. “That's some balls on that goose…”
“Should we help them?” Virgil asks indecisive.
“it a goose, what is it going to do?”
The guys voice comes over the intercom high and fast “The goose has my friend and won't let go!!!”
The slight delay in the video feed shows what the guy was talking about:
The goose has taken the boy with the kitty hoodie hostage, it's beak grabbing a sleeve of the hoodie. The soundless feed shows the boy’s face in an open mouthed scream.
“Well. Apparently geese can do that.”
“Come on!” Virgil orders going from a tangled mess of worry to a focused dagger of action.
He grabs the “Warning: wet floor” sign from under his knees, and hands it to Janus, “Use it like a shield”
He leaves his little nook, loading himself up with the 8 piece of fried chicken, 6 biscuits, potatoes with extra gravy, coleslaw, and at the top of the pile, tettering, a chocolate Bundt cake.
“Let's go.” Virgil says kicking the door open to the outside.
…………
Roman and the Mob Guy were trying to poke the goose and shoo it from its hold on Patton when two more KFC employees charge from the side door.
One, who has a port wine stain covering half of his face, is armed with a yellow caution sign. The other, who looks like he hasn’t slept in a month, is armed with an entire family meal. The second one starts throwing drumsticks at the goose, distracting it from the prodding of Roman and Mop Guy.
Honk!!!! honk!!! The large Avid gives up his Patton prize, and flaps it’s large wings. Patton scrambles off the hood of the car, and Roman helps retrieve him. Mop Guy’s mop is knocked from his hands with the birds aggressive flapping display.
“COME AT ME FEATHER MUCKER!” This time thighs hit the bird’s head, and the Goose hisses at…
Oh! Logan knew that voice!
“Virgil! The biscuits!” Patton calls from the side of the car.
“Actually! Bread is really bad for bird and can cause-” Logan starts to explain from the driver’s seat of the car
“Oh shut up nerd!” Roman moans exsaperated
“Yes And!” Patton abmoshes
“OH MY GOD! Honk the god damn horn!” Yellow Signm Guy says face palming.
“Oh! Yes!” Logan leans on the the steering wheel and …
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“Thats it?!?” Mop guy asks not impressed.
“Its a Daily driver!” Logan defends leaning on the steering weel again
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
"Throw the coleslaw at him!” Patton calls out, “Vegtables are good for everyone!”
Then an entire container of coleslaw hits the Goose, Leaving a goose shaped silhouette on the windshield of the car.
HONK!!!! HONK!!!! HONK!!!
That got the goose to move, but instead of flying away it outright attacks Virgil.
“Oh shiitake!” Virgil jumps, and runs behind Yellow Sign Guy.
“Honk Virgil!” Yellow Sign Guy calls, turning his sign around, and holding it in front of him.
“What?!?!?”
“Honk!!!!”
“What?!?!”
“Honk!!” both Logan, Patton and Roman all call out seeing what Yellow Sign Guy was trying to do
And just as the Goose gets toe to webbed foot to Yellow Sign Guy, Virgil lets loose.
“HONK!! HONK!!”
And Yellow Sign Guy snaps his sign like a beak in front him, hissing.
The goose, covered in coleslaw, and quite done with everything, flaps away.
…………..
“Pass me the Gravy please”
The 6 of them sit around a round table in the dark dining room. Patton has his legs up on Roman’s lap, and Roman’s legs are on Patton’s seat. Janus is staring off into space. Remus is eating chicken off the bone like he’s fought 100 geese before. Logan is propping his head up by his hand, his elbow on the table. Virgil passes the gravy across the the table to Remus.
The Remade order, plus some, lay strewn across the table, everyone eating quietly.
“I can’t believe we fought a goose.” Janus says still trying to reconislle what happened.
“Fought and almost lost.” Remus points out.
“Way to yes and!” Patton claps delighted.
Logan suddenly perks up. “Hey….isn’t this place closed on mondays?”
“Yeah? Why?” Virgil asks eating his honey-butted biscuit.
Logan’s eyes light up. “As secretary treasurer and Vice president of the Lighter sides of Life Improv Consortium, I move to start a Congress to change the bylaws, all in favor say Aye….and!”
Patton looks excited “Aye! And!”
“Aye! And!” Roman agrees
“The Aye Ands have it! The Crongress to change the bylaws of the Lighter sides of Life Improv Consortium has begun!” Logan announces. Janus and remus looks as confused and lost as virgil felt.
“The proposed change! Moving an existing congregation, or adding an additional congregation to Monday night.”
“Awwww but KFC is closed on mondays!” Patton whines.
“Oh! But! Or…and? Or whatever…” Roman waves away the flub up “We might get new folks to join us!”
“OOOOHHHH!!!” Patton nods. “YES! I mean Aye! And! To the change, about the monday thing!”
“Aye! And!” Roman agrees “To the monday thing!”
“The Aye -ands have it! The Proposed change has been recorded and the bylaws have been changed. The Congress of Lighter sides of Life Improv Consortium has concluded.” Logan says with a tap of his drink cup on the table.
“Wait…” Janus looks at the three crazy guys “no….no no…”
“Yes!!!!!” Remus cheers “We accept!”
“No, no no no…”
“Actually…Janus….” Virgil leans into his reluctant co-worker’s space. “Its yes….and.”