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Shawn was used to climbing through windows. It was sorta his shtick at this point, showing up at his best friend's bedroom window in the middle of the night, asking for a place to stay.
Just a few months ago he had climbed up the tree at nine pm to ask Cory to sit with him in the treehouse after Dana Prewitt had broken up with him, and they fell asleep there, Cory's arms wrapped around Shawn, who's tears were drying onto his cheeks.
But Cory had always been more of a door kinda guy.
So excuse Shawn for being surprised when he was woken up by a knock on his window, and he opened his eyes to see his best friend motioning for Shawn to let him in.
Shawn opened the smaller trailer window and watched as Cory awkwardly climbed through.
"Cory, what are you doing here?" Shawn asked, feeling mildly self-conscious about his unkempt hair and T-shirt and boxers. "It's, like…" he looked at the watch he had haphazardly thrown next to the mattress before he went to sleep. "-almost one in the morning."
Cory sat down on the mattress. He was in a sweatshirt and plaid pajama pants, and he had his sneakers on, which he promptly kicked off. "What's the big deal, we say our windows are always open," he said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"We say your window's always open. Not that you can't come to me whenever but it's just… wouldn't you rather be in your house and not the trailer, it's dangerous getting here in the middle of the night."
"I just really needed to see you." Cory looked around the room. "Jeez, it's a mess in here."
Shawn followed Cory's eyeline, looking at the even layer of dirty clothes and junk over the floor. "I guess."
"I'll clean up," Cory said, before standing up and starting to stack a pile of dirty laundry.
"It's the middle of the night, babe," Shawn said, and he saw Cory freeze, his shoulders tense.
"You don't have to call me that," Cory said with a nervous laugh. "And I just need some busy work, okay?"
"Organize your closet then," Shawn said.
"I can't do that. Eric's trying to sleep."
"And I'm not?"
Cory sighed heavily, not meeting Shawn's eyes. He went back to picking up trash and putting it in the trash bag Shawn conveniently kept in the corner of his room and never used.
After accepting there was no stopping Cory, Shawn decided to help him tidy up the place. Cory seemed to be working on autopilot, getting something done and moving to the next thing, not looking at or talking to Shawn.
After everything was as neat as it was going to be, Shawn sat back down on the mattress, and Cory sat next to him, hands folded tensely in his lap, staring blankly at the floor.
"Cory… why are you here?" Shawn asked earnestly.
"I said I just needed to see you."
"Something's bothering you."
"Nothing's bothering me."
"Look, I've known you your whole life, practically. I know when something's bothering you." When Cory didn't respond, Shawn put his hand over Cory's. "You know you can tell me anything, babe-"
Cory snatched his hand away. "Stop calling me that," he snapped.
Shawn crossed his arms. "You said you liked when I called you that."
"I changed my mind."
"Whatever. I'm going back to bed. Join if you want." Shawn got under the covers and watched to see what Cory would do.
Cory still sat there, looking at the floor, slowly curling in on himself. Finally he spoke. "Topanga broke up with me."
Shawn sat up so quickly he felt like he got whiplash. "What?"
"She broke up with me on our date earlier."
"Why? You two are perfect together."
Cory sighed. "She says that I'm not as into her as I used to be. That she half thinks I never was."
Shawn moved to sit next to Cory, facing him. "What did she mean by that?"
"She said she thinks I'm… you know."
"I really don't."
"She thinks I'm gay."
Shawn didn't know what to say to that. Cory couldn't be gay. If he was gay, why would he have been in love with Topanga since they were eleven? (Why was he not in love with Shawn?) "But you're not," he said plainly, not sure if he was trying to convince Cory or himself.
Cory brought his knees up to his chest, looking over at Shawn with tears threatening to leave his eyes. "What if I am?"
"You're not. She just put that idea in your head, you're not," Shawn said. Cory couldn't be gay, he just couldn't. Shawn was the fuck up, not Cory. Cory was going to settle down with a nice girl and have a family, he had to. Cory was Shawn's one reminder that love was still real.
Cory nodded. "Right. You're right." Good.
"You'll find another girl. You're a nice guy, and you'll find a girl who likes that, like Topanga did." Shawn got back in bed, moving the covers so Cory could get in next to him.
Cory got comfortable next to Shawn and rested his head against the other boy's shoulder. "Thanks for being here for me, Shawnie."
"It's nothing, ba- Cory."
"You can still call me babe if you want. I do like it, I was just insecure about the whole Topanga thing."
Shawn watched as Cory tried to go to sleep, his chest rising and falling as he closed his eyes. Shawn turned on his side to try to go back to sleep himself.
"Shawn?"
Shawn turned to face his best friend. "Yeah?"
"What if I was gay?"
"You're not, I already said that."
"But hypothetically, if I was, you'd still be my friend, right?" Cory asked, a look in his eyes Shawn couldn't place.
Shawn sighed. "I would, yeah."
"You wouldn't think I was gross?"
Shawn wrapped his arms around Cory, hugging him tight. "Go to sleep, babe."
"I am."
"No, you're talking-"
"I am gay."
Shawn didn't pull away. He didn't want to look Cory in the eyes, didn't want Cory to see what Shawn wanted to tell him. "It's okay."
"It's not," Cory insisted. "It's not okay, nothing will ever be okay again."
"It's okay," Shawn said again. "It doesn't matter."
If Cory was gay, then maybe it wasn't an imperfection, because Cory could do no wrong. Cory could kill a man and Shawn would accept that it was normal.
He was Shawn's one reminder that love was real. Because Shawn couldn't look at him with anything less than pure adoration.
"I still love you, okay?" Shawn added, wondering if he'd ever have the courage to say the words to the other and have him truly understand the intention.
"You shouldn't say that," Cory whispered. "I can't… I can't say it back anymore."
"You can," Shawn insisted. In a selfish way he wanted to hear it and pretend he was hearing it in the way he wanted.
"I love you too." Cory pulled back and looked into Shawn's eyes. "I shouldn't say it, I really shouldn't."
"I want you to."
Cory fell asleep there, in Shawn's arms, as his tears dried onto his cheeks.
Shawn placed a hesitant kiss to Cory's forehead, and fell asleep himself, dreaming of curly hair and dark brown eyes.
×××
Cory and Shawn had been clingy their entire lives. But this was getting out of hand, Shawn decided as he woke up the next morning with his best friend latched onto him.
He tried to get up without waking Cory, but found it difficult. He took a deep breath and tried to slow his racing heart, before prying Cory's arms off of him and slipped out of his grasp.
"Shawnie?"
"Hey, Cor."
Cory sat up, yawning. "Thanks for letting me stay here last night. Thanks for everything." He still had a sort of sadness in his eyes.
Shawn sat at the end of the mattress. "It's nothing, really."
Cory sat with his legs criss-crossed and leaned against the wall, looking out the window at the sun rays shining through, painting the room orange. His eyes were colored the most beautiful shade of amber and Shawn wanted nothing more than to capture that moment in his brain forever to return to whenever he felt lost and needed to know what he was living for.
"You wanna know something funny? Topanga didn't just think I was gay," Cory said. "She thought I was in love with you."
Shawn felt like he had been hit with a bag of bricks. "What?"
Cory dragged his gaze away from the window, looking at Shawn. "She thought I was…" he exhaled suddenly, like the air was being stolen from his chest. "Oh God."
Shawn knew his eyes were as wide as saucers. He didn't know if he was breathing. "Cory?"
Cory covered his face with his hands. "I'm in love with you."
Shawn moved closer, his knees knocking against Cory's. "Cory, look at me."
Cory looked up, hugging himself, looking terrified.
"Cory, I meant everything I said. I love you. And I want to hear you tell me that you love me."
"Shawn, this is different."
"I know it is. And I want it to be different. I want to see you in the morning sunlight every day for the rest of my life. I want you to let me kiss you. And I want to hear you say you're in love with me again."
"I'm in love with you," Cory breathed. "And I'm gonna let you kiss me now, if you want."
Shawn brought his hands up to hold Cory's face, before leaning in and closing the space between their lips, and the lack of air between them felt like breathing for the first time ever. Cory reached up to run his hand through Shawn's hair and Shawn decided then that this was the moment he wanted to live in for the rest of his life, even if it deprived him of every other opportunity.
If Cory was in love with Shawn, then there must be something good in him, because perfect, wonderful Cory wouldn't love anything that wasn't meant to be loved.