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The banging on his door was loud and insistent. Whoever it was was banging loud enough to wake the whole building, let alone Buck who slept lighter than a feather and had already been awake anyway. He tripped, socked feet slipping on hardwood as he scrambled to open the door.
“What?” he asked, eyes a little wild as he tore open the door. “What is it, what's wrong?” because something had to be horribly, terribly wrong if someone was trying to knock down his door in broad daylight on his day off.
“Shannon came over,” Eddie said, equally wild-eyed, though for very different reasons as he barged past Buck into Abby’s apartment.
It only took a moment for him to recover before he was following Eddie into the kitchen where the man was raiding the fridge for the beer he knew was there. “Shannon? I thought you said she left what? Two years ago?”
He had only met the woman through grainy video calls. Then there was that one last memorable phone call where she had told him Eddie was dead. So there was that.
Buck’s own history with the woman meant that his personal feelings towards her were icier than the Earth 2 million years ago. There was no forgiveness for the woman who had decided to rip one of the few pillars holding Buck up without a single thought to what Eddie would have wanted.
Nonetheless, Buck had told Eddie absolutely none of this. As far as the other man was aware, it was the US military’s fault that Buck had dropped off the face of the planet after Eddie's helo had gotten gunned down. Buck wasn’t about to change those assertions, opening an expired can of worms was far from the top of the priorities list. In fact, it wasn't even on it. So he schooled his face into indifferent surprise (the best he could do) and watched Eddie like a hawk.
Eddie nodded, popping the cap off two bottles and passing one to Buck as he took a long draw from his own.
“Sooo... what was she doing at your house?” Buck asked, baffled.
Eddie groaned and flopped his head forward. “I reached out.”
“Now why would you do a thing like that?” Buck didn’t understand Eddie’s and Shannon’s relationship very well, having always been kept on the fringes of Eddie's life while Shannon and he were still married. Probably best if the emotional affair battle buddy didn’t actually get tangled in the mess of his matrimony. High on his explanations for why she had sent a nuke to his and Eddie's relationship. But that meant that he didn’t have much to pull on for how that meeting had gone.
However, it stood to reason that his guess of: about as well as those calls he had with her while on deployment was fairly accurate. Eddie here, though, had less to focus on and a lot more to lose.
Eddie shook his head and took down another gulp. “I love my son,” he asserted instead of answering.
That wasn’t the answer Buck wanted so he just stared, waiting him out to see if he’d change his answer.
“I love my son,” Eddie repeated.
“Is this about you, or Christopher? Because I love him too, but that doesn’t mean I’m inviting Shannon over for a chat now, does it?”
Eddie just looked pained. “There's this school, right? That Carla took me to. And they just- everything is so right for him. Buck, you should have seen how he just lit up in that art room. It would be such a good place for him.
“But it's this fancy private school and Chris qualifies for a grant, but they have to interview both parents. And because Shannon and I never got a divorce-”
Buck nearly dropped his beer as he cut Eddie off with a mortified, “Wait. You never divorced Shannon.” It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him, and the whole damn floor with it, sending him sinking through the Earth.
His face must have been doing something, showing a portion of the panicked tailspin that tidbit of information was sending him into because, for the first time since he’d barged in, Eddie set down his beer and made eye contact. “Buck?” he said cautiously, like one wrong word and he would stop breathing.
“You never divorced her,” he said, firmer this time. Oh God. If Eddie was still married. And Buck…
Perhaps finally following Buck’s train of thought Eddie spoke. “We were separated. She ran out and I haven’t seen her in years. We’re not together any more.”
“No, but you just so happened to move to the city where you knew her mom lived? Ten minutes away from the place she works?”
“You’re here, too,” he said, but it was a weak argument and they both knew it. It was chance they’d been reunited, it was informed choice to reunite with Shannon.
Buck breathed out harshly, a decision placed cleanly in front of him. He could keep moving, keep picking at this until it drew blood, or he could help with whatever crisis Eddie had come here with in the first place.
For a man who had literally been born to give up every part of himself for another, it wasn’t much of a choice.
He swallowed it down. He pushed away the fact that Eddie had moved to LA for Shannon. She was his first choice, he loved her, preferred her. That when he’d found Buck, he’d simply settled, once again. He’d seen love who openly offered that it was simpler to accept rather than to try and seek out a new source. That he was the consolation prize, never to truly be let in on Eddie’s life. He pushed away every thought of second best and too much and not worth it and focussed on the actual problem.
Work the problem.
That he could do.
“So this school,” he redirected, and it felt like being the matador, waving a red flag and knowing he wouldn’t be able to move out of the way.
Eddie, the willing bull, saw the flag and charged forward. “The school needs to talk to her for Christopher to be admitted. So I reached out and invited her over.”
“And she came?”
Eddie shrugged, once again avoiding eye contact. “Yeah. It was weird though. Seeing her again, in my house, in Christopher’s room. Like this puzzle piece that looks like it fits.”
He didn’t want to think about the implications of what Eddie was saying so he pushed the conversation forward. “What did she say about the school?”
“Dunno. I showed her the packet, but before we could really discuss it, she asked to see Chris and I told her no. I don’t want to confuse him, but is it wrong to keep his mom from him?” Eddie sighed, at a loss. This whole thing with Shannon had gone a lot smoother in his head.
Buck really didn’t think he was the one Eddie should be asking their questions to. Asking your younger situationship for parenting advice was hardly anyone’s first resort. Surely someone like Hen would be better suited to these questions.
But Eddie was asking him, so Buck gave his best answer. “Eds, you're his dad. You’re only trying to do your best, protect him.”
“But?”
Buck sighed. “Shouldn’t Chris get a say in this? I don’t know, but I would hate for this to blow up in your face down the line. You know Shannon better than me, so trust your own gut on this. If you think she’d be in it for the long haul, fuck it full send,” he told him, not particularly believing his own words and also doing his best not to just tell him to get Chris as far away from Shannon as possible. She had a grudge against Buck, not Chris. “But also, if you think she’ll just run out again, maybe it's not the best idea to bring his mom back into his life, just to have her disappear again.”
Buck was intimately familiar with abandonment issues; the pain that came with being left. He was self-aware enough to know the slew of issues that kind of repeated trauma had left him with and the ways in which it coloured his relationships. It was the last thing he wanted for Chris.
If he had to file off his own arm with a nail file, he would do it if that meant Chris never again had to experience being abandoned by a parent.
So he gave Eddie the most reasonable advice he could. And Eddie, for one, looks like he was taking the advice to heart, really thinking things over.
“I don’t trust her,” Eddie simply stated.
Buck offered his hands as if to say ‘there you go’. If Eddie didn’t trust her around Chris, then that was that.
Eddie still looks uncomfortable with his decision. “But what if I just don’t trust her because of my own issues? What if she actually wants to put in the work?”
“Well, what else did she say to you?” Buck asked, taking down more beer as he could tell he would need the buffer to keep discussing Shannon.
Was it bad to demonize his friend’s wife? Maybe, but from where Buck sat, she deserved it. But he was allowed to hold grudges in this case. At least he wanted to believe so. Maybe that would make him slightly less of a bad person.
Eddie’s eyes lost a bit of light as he studied the bottle in his hands intently. “Nothing, we just-it was the usual things we used to fight about.”
“Your second tour?”
He shrugged. “What else? I re-upped without talking to her. Of course, it was an issue.”
Being the first time Eddie and Shannon had spoken in years, it was little surprise it had blown up into a fight. There was so much baggage between them that they’d never sorted. It might as well have been a disorganized baggage terminal at the airport. Impossible to navigate without stepping on something.
Even if it had hardly been the time to talk about their issues when discussing Chris’s school. Shannon had taken the opportunity to throw Eddie’s mistakes back in his face.
“I mean, that tour did end with you almost dying.” Or actually dying if they were talking Buck’s perspective, which they weren’t. “But you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. And she left. There are so many ‘what ifs' in that whole situation, you’ll make yourself sick worrying about them.”
A grim look overtook Eddie’s face. “I fucked up, Buck, I know. I should have been there for my family.”
“You were there in the way you were capable of at the time.”
Brown met blue as Eddie finally lifted his head again to look at Buck. “You left too.”
Ah. So were they gonna talk about this now? That seemed like a lot seeing as Eddie had basically knocked down his door to talk about his first Shannon encounter in two years. He hardly needed to take more on to his plate as it concerned the woman’s questionable actions.
He knew his face probably looked pained when he apologized. “I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to, but-- um…” How was he gonna do this?
“But what?” New worry coloured his tone.
God, he sucked at lying to Eddie. He hated doing it, too. “You know how the SEALs are. I tried, but you didn’t respond. Then we went on, well basically a deployment with how long it lasted and were on a total communications blackout.”
Eddie raised a sceptical eyebrow. “Mhm. And what about after? How come I didn’t know you were in LA, how come I didn’t know if you were even alive until I walked into the station, huh?” The exasperated anger stung.
“I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want an apology, I want to know why,” Eddie said, moving closer now from where he’d been slumped against the counter.
Buck’s palms were starting to sweat. He couldn’t tell him why. It was his turn to break eye contact. “I don't- I can’t-” he fumbled out. Then, “Eds,” he pleaded.
The other shook his head and moved into Buck’s personal space, ducking down to force eye contact. “Tell me what happened,” he commanded.
God, that face. He couldn’t tell him. He really couldn’t. Was it for his own good, or was Buck simply protecting himself from the fallout when he opened his mouth and lied again?
“I barely made it home from that mission. Basically kicked from Bravo--sent me into a hard tailspin. I wasn’t a person you would have wanted in yours or Christopher’s lives.”
Technically, it wasn’t a complete lie. Going on such a risky op when he had already been spinning out over Eddie’s death hadn’t been a good move. He had been injured and forced out with an honourable discharge. And after that, he really had some time spiralling off the deep end and hitting rock bottom before joining the fire academy. Even if Shannon hadn’t cut all contact, he would have willingly removed himself from Christopher’s life at that point because, even though it would have hurt worse than losing Bravo, he was not a good person to be around. He may have hurt Christopher in worse ways than dropping off the face of the planet and that wouldn’t have been something he could live with.
“Cariño,” Eddie breathed, placing a hand on his shoulder. And it felt a lot more intimate than anything they had allowed themselves since that night after their first shift together when all Buck could do was hold Eddie close; to feel the steady rise and fall of his chest and the string thrum of his heartbeat against his fingers.
“We would have figured something out. I wasn’t all sunshine and fucking roses when I got home, either, but I could have helped. I have your back, right?”
Buck smiled weakly. “Yeah, always. And I didn’t have yours, though. I’m sorry.”
Eddie pulled him in for a hug then, placing both of their near-empty beer bottles on the counter as he did so. Buck went willingly, relaxing into the comfort despite the guilt beginning to well up at his obfuscation of the truth, the root of the issue.
“I know you’re not telling me everything,” Eddie grumbled into his shoulder.
Buck’s entire body froze wariness flooding in, despite the way a soft hand had begun moving across his back in a comforting rhythm.
“You don’t have to tell me now. I won’t force it out of you. But I hope soon, you’ll tell me. ‘Cause I think it's been eating you alive. Spit it out before you get hurt.” His words were firm, but gentle, like the hand against his back and all he could do was sink further into Eddie.
Fuck, he didn’t deserve this, deserve him. He was a fucking fake and a liar. He wasn’t worth the wait. All this trouble and love, he wasn’t worth it.
Eddie had come here for advice and comfort after seeing his estranged wife and knowing he was the one comforting Buck . Could he be more pathetic? More selfish, useless, and exhausting? He couldn’t even really help his best friend because he had too much bias in the argument.
He pulled away lightly, extricating himself from the embrace despite wanting nothing more than to stay there until nightfall. If he stayed, though, he would only feel worse in the long run, like he was using Eddie.
“Sorry,” he apologized, grabbing the empty bottles behind him for something to do and moving to put them in the recycling. “You shouldn’t be comforting me, we’re supposed to be talking about you and about Shannon.” He dropped the bottles into the bin and again busied himself with getting them water now.
“Don’t apologize. And we’re not just here for me. That one-sided bullshit is not how this relationship works.”
“Yeah, but-”
“But nothing,” Eddie brushed off. “Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve said my piece on Shannon.”
“So what are you going to do,” Buck asked, finally turning back around and setting a glass of water next to Eddie.
“Hope she sets up a meeting at Durand, mostly,” he admitted. “This was all for Christopher to get into a better school, so I hope it's worth it. I think Shannon would have to prove herself if she wants to see Chris, but I talk to him anyways, feel out his opinion on the whole thing.” He took a sip from the glass, contemplating.
Buck nodded. “That sounds all good from where I’m standing.” He knew he had made Eddie worried, worried about him specifically which was basically a cardinal sin. Buck should be able to handle his own shit without it spilling over onto those he cared about.
Yet here he was, a thought on Eddie’s already very full plate. He wished his friend wouldn’t bother. It almost made him think he was important to the other man. That was something he couldn’t handle again. Not now.
“I’ll be notified when she schedules so I won’t harass her about it or anything. I think she still wants what's best for Chris, we just aren’t on the same page about what that is. For once, I hope she agrees with me on this school thing.”
Buck nodded. “Good luck with that. If you need someone to pretend to be her, I bet I could get Maddie in on it,” he offered. Maybe it was crazy, but oh well. He was always a little crazy where Eddie was concerned.
Eddie barked a surprised laugh at that. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” An alarm started ringing from his phone and he slipped his phone from his pocket, turning it off before replacing it. “I gotta run, pick Chris up from school.”
“Alrighty,” Buck nodded, leading them back to the front door. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
“You wanna come?” Eddie asked, putting his shoes back on.
“Where?”
He got an eye roll for that. “To pick up Chris. I know you don’t have anything else going on tonight and he’d love to see you. He really wants to show you his Halloween costume.”
And well, that was all it took for Buck to be pulling on his own shoes and following Eddie out the door. Maybe this whole situation was going to turn into a mess. Family issues were rarely easy things to fix.
But sitting in Eddie’s passenger seat on the way to pick up Chris, he thought he might be okay with just this. He didn’t need more if he could still be by his two favourite people; if he could still support Eddie through this in whatever manner he would let him.
It was the worst day of his life when he’d thought he’d died. Every day with Eddie was a miracle, as far as Buck was concerned. He’d savour every moment, every touch and smile and kitchen conversation as long as he was still there.