Work Text:
Spiderman was having a very normal and chill day. He was swinging from things and stuff. Swinging from things such as buildings and various other city structures. He does that a lot. One might say too much. But that One isn’t anyone Spiderman knows so no ones ever told him that. He should get down from there. Like he’s Spiderman but sometimes he’s too much spider and not enough man.
Something that HE’S never told anyone is that he’s Peter Parker. Big juicy secret of his. Truth is, the reason he keeps his identity secret is because he doesn’t like his name. Since both his first and last name start with a P people have called him “PP,” which sounds like “PeePee” and he just doesn’t fuck with that. That and the whole “Penis Parker” thing.
Today he was going to get his name changed. He was going to change it into something respectable so he can finally reveal his true identity to the world without being called a synonym for urine. Only problem is he didn’t know what to change it into.
He decided to ask his lovely girlfriend, MJ, for help, because she’s cool. She looks like award-winning actress Zendaya but she says she doesn’t see the resemblance. She told him to change his name to James Charles cause it would be funny. Peter was pretty sure that was already taken.
Ned told him to change it to Parker Peter but that doesn’t even fix his original problem.
Peter, defeated, sits outside his school. He has no idea what he’s going to do to fix his problem that isn’t really a problem. All of a sudden, loud music starts to play from the distance. A giant craft emerges from the horizon playing such music. A very colorful craft. As it lands a person jumps off.
“Jinx from League of Legends?!?” PeePee asks, astonished.
“It is I, Jinx from League of Legends.” Says Jinx, from League of Legends. “Heard you were looking into change your name. I know a thing or two about that actually.”
“Oh wow yeah that’s exactly what I needed help with!” Says Peter. “Do you know about the legal process of changing your name through the government?”
“Oh shit no actually I just kind of did it.” Replies Jinx from League of Legends.
“Did someone say legal process?” questions Pheonix Wright from the hit Capcom game, Ace Attorney. “I can help with that. What do you want to change it to?”
“Ok so like I don’t actually know.” Replies Peter.
“Alright well while you think on that I’m gonna go solve a murder.” States Wright. “My best friend’s been framed. Actually I’m not sure if we’re even friends. I mean like we were. Then I didn’t speak to him for like a decade. Then I missed him so I went to law school just to talk to him again. Oh yeah he’s a lawyer too, I forgot to mention that. Anyways he insisted I did not represent him in court but I did anyway, for some reason. Does this information help you at all?”
“Sure.” Replies Peter.
Wright nods. “Ok I’m gonna go touch a bunch of evidence, later.”
Peter turns back to Jinx. “What the hell, where did that small child come from??”
“Her name is Isha.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“No.”
“Alright then.”
Peter sighs, “I’m never gonna come up with a new name :( .”
“How did you do that.” Asks Jinx.
“Do what?’
“The :( . Woah what the fuck.”
“Hey everybody it’s me Wander.” Says Wander.
Jinx pulls a gun on him.
“WOAHHHHHH WOAHHHHHH CHILLLLLLLLLL.” Says Isha.
“Since WHEN do you talk??” Asks Jinx.
“Call me Lil Sha.” Says Lil Sha.
“Where did YOU come from?” Peter asks Wander.
“Yonder!” Says Wander from over Yonder, which is unhelpful.
“Can you help me come up with a new name?” asks Peter.
“Sure! How about Peter Parker.” Wander gives.
“No that’s the one I have now, that isn’t helpful.”
“Well I’m afraid I’ve done all I can do.”
Everyone turns back to Jinx and she is visibly distraught. “What?? What happened??” They ask. Lil Sha is no longer standing with her. “Where is Lil Sha?”
“Gone.” She replies.
“What do you mean gone. How did you cut your hair that fast.”
“I gotta go.” She says, gesturing behind her to nothing in particular.
“Go where?”
She hops back on her flying craft and flies away. Music blasting.
Peter and Wander watch until the ship can no longer be seen. Silence filling the area. A young woman runs up. “Guys have you seen a girl? Blue hair? Insane?”
“You just missed her.” Replies Wander, helpfully.
“Fuck. Has it been longer than 4 seconds since she’s left?” She asks. No wait that’s a guy.
“Well duh.” Says PeePee.
“Fuck. Which way?” He asks.
They both point.
“I guess we really are, the League of Legends.” He states, before running and hopping onto a small hovercraft in the direction they pointed.
Wander turns towards Peter. “Look as much as I’d love to help you find a new name, Markiplier is supposed to be dropping a video any minute now and I can’t miss that. BUT, I do know someone who might be able to help you! Follow me.”
“Ok great!.” Peter agrees, following him.
Wander asks “Have you ever been to Indiana? Because THINGS are about to get pretty STRANGE.”
“Alright I don’t wanna go anymore.” Peter says as he stops walking.
“What why?” Asks Wander.
“Be so for real. I know what kind of stuff goes on there. You must think I’m dumb. Who there could even help me?”
“The writer wanted to include a Stranger Things reference that’s literally it.” Says Deadpool (Deadpool is here now).
“Fiddlesticks.” Says Wander. “Yknow Peter, maybe this is a sign you need to embrace your true, God given name!”
“Alright weird thing to hear from you, little orange man, but sure.” Replies Peter.
“You should be proud of your name. It represents you! And I think you’re super cool!”
“Thank you little orange man.” Says PeePee
“I guess the true Peter Parker, was the friend we made along the way!” says Connor, the Android sent from CyberLife.
“You know what, you’re right, Connor, the Android sent from CyberLife.”
“I too, am in this fanfiction.” Says Wilson.
MJ and Ned forget who Peter is and he spends Christmas alone.
THE END.