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HAD she been born in another time, in another place, Hinata Ayase might've been called any number of things. Earlier, perhaps 'predisposed to black bile', or 'imbalanced between earth and fire'. In a more enlightened time, perhaps ‘avoidant’ or ‘sociophobic’. But she was born in late 20th century Japan, and so she was simply called ‘a shy, quiet child’ by adults, and ‘a creepy loser’ by her peers.
Looking back, Ayase could pinpoint the moment that doomed her.
She had been about six years old, drawing pictures in the sandbox with her fingers, when a group of kids began stomping away her doodles and insisting that she leave and stop ruining the playground with her mood. Almost instinctively, Ayase curled in on herself, frozen and shivering; even if she hadn’t been afraid to speak, she knew that they were right that an air of discomfort followed her wherever she went. Just when her mind was starting to retreat inward, the beratement was interrupted by something loud and shrill.
From an objective point of view, the little girl with her blond hair up in two buns and her hands on her hips, scolding the other children for bullying someone who had never done anything to anyone, was imposing only in terms of sheer loudness, or perhaps cuteness. But to Hinata Ayase, that tiny figure was nothing short of divine, an angel of mercy which had descended to save a stranger simply out of a sense of justice.
That awe was followed by another first for Ayase; the girl sat down in the sandbox with her and started introducing herself. Or, well, it was supposed to be an introduction, but the girl—Tsukino Usagi—rapidly lost track of the point of the conversation and ended up rambling about varying details of her own life.
For her part, Ayase was simply mesmerized by her savior’s ability to sustain a conversation all on her own (well, that and her lung capacity). Other people might have gotten annoyed at not having a chance to get a word in edgewise; Ayase, however, found an odd sort of comfort in the other girl’s aimless rambling. It was as if, for once, she wasn’t trapped by the need to reply, by being expected to keep the conversation going, because any gap of silence was filled by the girl's—Tsukino’s—rampant thoughts.
And Ayase still did pay attention to her, but less her words than her face; every emotion was one she expressed intensely, even ones as minor as annoyance at her little brother or excitement at a new chapter of a manga. For Hinata Ayase, whose every emotion was buried by the fear of being hated, she was fascinated by the other girl’s simple earnestness.
…Not that any of that was something she realized at the time. To her, Tsukino Usagi was simply ‘someone who’s fun instead of scary’.
It was only natural, after that, that the two of them would become friends. The only thing of note would be that it was Ayase who initiated it. Ayase, who couldn't so much as hold a conversation with the other kids. Ayase, who after realising they were in the same class, found herself drifting to Usagi’s desk as soon as break started.
Usagi, having decided (not incorrectly, but maybe a little presumptuously) that their interaction in the sandbox meant they were friends now, introduced her best friend, Osaka Naru, and Ayase to one another.
While, to her credit, she did try, Ayase was never able to completely drop her guard around Naru. Maybe it was incompatible personalities, or maybe it was just the fact that they didn’t have a significant meeting like she and Usagi had, but all Ayase could do was talk with her. Talk that was overpolite, almost whisper-level in volume, but that was more than could ever be said for Usagi’s more distant friends, Yumiko and Kuri. They respected one another, sure, and they both cared about Usagi, but there simply wasn’t a connection to be found between them, and Ayase’s favorite times were when she could talk with Usagi alone.
Usagi and Ayase became quite close before long; “Hinata-chan” quickly became “Ayase-chan”, and “Tsukino-san” became simply “Usagi” just as fast. From an outsider’s point of view, the change in Ayase’s demeanor among Usagi’s friend group and when it was just the two of them was as if she became a different person entirely, but the truth was that this was the only time she felt safe enough to be the “real Ayase”.
Sarcastic, excitable, and a little bit rude, the Ayase who fondly called Usagi “a big dumb idiot” to her face, who traded manga with her and talked about what she thought of the last issue, who bribed her to cooperate with study sessions using candy, who would eat every one of Usagi’s “attempts” at cooking without hesitation and then describe in detail exactly how bad they were, who made sure karaoke booths were completely soundproof before belting out lyrics, who always brought a lunchbox of nonperishable food with her to smugly present whenever Usagi forgot her own.
For once, Hinata Ayase knew what it was like to feel happy and calm.
In her opinion, puberty did not treat Ayase kindly.
Not only did she have to deal with dreams about Usagi doing certain things with her that were not generally considered to fall under the umbrella of ‘friendship’ (and the mid-conversation stuttering and blushing caused by memories thereof), she ALSO had to deal with the fact that puberty seemed much less interested in her outward growth than it was her upward growth, making her stand out no matter how much she tried to blend in with everyone else.
By the end of middle school, Ayase was at least recognizable to the rest of the school. Tall, with glasses, brown eyes, and brown hair she kept in a low sideplait, to both other teens and adults, she seemed like the ideal student. Demure, polite, and smart, she was a subject of admiration— but only to be admired from a distance. Silence and quiet stuttering seldom make for good conversation, after all.
And it’s that perception that made her habit of staying close to Tsukino Usagi, the school goofball, so strange to them. But not worth confronting them about— a displeased Ayase was creepy, and who knows how Usagi might react to their friendship being questioned.
If Ayase had the courage to be anything but that quiet girl, she would correct them of all their dumb assumptions. She was shy and polite because of her own paranoia at the idea of misstepping and becoming a pariah, she was friends with Usagi because of how well the two fit together, and she wasn’t “smart” at all! Was it the glasses? She was perfectly average, a straight B student at best. Maybe it was because she was always with Usagi, the “idiot”, that she seemed smart by comparison.
Ayase would occasionally tease Usagi about being “dumb”, but Usagi’s forte just wasn’t schoolwork. It was silly plans for the sake of cake, it was staying determined and finishing what she started, even when it felt like the smartest option would be to just give up, it was finding the good even in huge, awful jerks, and it was a sense of right and wrong that made her defend a single stranger from a group of bullies.
At first, Ayase didn’t think much of “Sailor Moon”. Some girl going around in a miniskirt, fighting weirdos in bad cosplay? It sounded like a bad joke at best, and Ayase knew better than to buy into any of the ridiculous rumors that people were spreading around.
It wasn’t until she herself ended up in the middle of a youma fight that she admitted that maybe they were a real danger, and that maybe Sailor Moon was someone worth admiring. Even so, Ayase still avoided thinking about the hero whenever she could; the idea of the blond girl constantly throwing herself into danger hit a little too close to home.
Ayase’s biggest problem was, really, Usagi’s problem. Her friend hadn’t been sleeping. Ever since the year began, she’d been looking more tired, falling asleep in class more often. If it were only occasionally, Ayase could chalk it up to insisting on finishing a manga or getting caught up in a new game, but it happened again and again. And when she’d try to talk to her about it, it made Ayase realize just how much Usagi had been drifting away.
The first girl was fine. The supposed genius, Mizuno, was mild-tempered enough for Ayase to deal with, even if she couldn’t figure out what could have possibly happened to make Usagi start bringing her over to hang out.
When Usagi started wistfully talking about how pretty that rich girl was, it made her feel sick, and when Usagi started hanging out at her place, it meant that much less time with her. Ayase couldn’t handle the Hino girl—just being in the same room with her felt like she was tiptoeing across nails and eggshells, like one wrong word was the difference between life and death.
And then little-miss-perfect and the bimbo both transferred in and took away their time together AT school too. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Usagi had started moping. Moping. Usagi didn’t mope! Well, that wasn’t entirely true, but she never moped for this long. Usagi was like a rubber band; she’d moan about her life being over after finding out a crush already had a girlfriend, or a bad test, but she’d be fine as soon as she was distracted by something else. She was always too… full of life, not to.
Ayase didn’t know what to do; not how to help Usagi, nor how to keep being her friend. She just… didn’t know what to do.
One day, Ayase woke up, and something had changed. She couldn’t remember what day it was, she couldn’t remember what she was doing before she fell asleep, and she didn’t know why she woke up in a park, of all places. She’d been losing sleep herself from stress, so maybe she had… wandered here, half asleep, and plopped down onto the grass? She had been having a nightmare. She couldn’t remember much about it, only that it was dark, and cold, and after sleeping on the ground, she felt all stiff.
She stretched, getting ready to find her way back home, when she saw something shimmering on the ground. Lying in the grass was a crystal. Small enough to fit in her hand, but still much bigger than a gemstone that could’ve fallen off of a piece of jewelry. But, then again, it was colorless— maybe it was a piece of glass? When she held it up to the morning sun, she could see a faint shimmer of color run through it. She’d heard of these before; it was called a “prism”, right?
Still a little dazed, Ayase walked home, rolling the crystal in her hand. It would make for a good necklace, wouldn’t it? She usually stuck to brushes and pencils over crafts, but she thought she had some wire hanging around…
Come Monday morning, Ayase had a slightly different sort of nervousness than usual. Fiddling with the end of her hair, she considered the string-and-wire necklace hiding under her shirt. She didn’t want the attention that openly wearing it would draw. Not from anyone but Usagi.
If Usagi really was going to… to replace her, she wanted to at least make the best of what time she had left. She would always—she would usually share her art with Usagi, but this was… a little different. What would she think about it? Would it just look like trash to her? Would she think it looked pretty? Would she think it made HER look pretty?
Knowing how things had been going, chances were that she’d think about it for half a second before running off to get something she’d left and forgotten about with one of the -inos.
But when she got to class, Usagi was certainly talking with someone, but it was… just Naru?
No Aino, no Kino, not even Mizuno. Just her and Naru, just like it used to be. Was this some kind of a prank?
But nobody jumped out of a bush, nobody laughed at her for believing something so convenient. In fact, Usagi didn’t even try to grab one of her new friends by the arm or bring up any promises to stay here or there; and even if Usagi would be willing to play a joke that mean, there’s no way she —passionate, heart-on-her-sleeve Usagi—would be able to fake her feelings so well, all day.
That night, Ayase laid on her bed, staring at the crystal. Maybe it was her good-luck charm.
Deep down, she knew that something strange had happened. That she should ask Usagi what had happened between her and her new friends. But… the idea scared her. If, like a dream, questioning it would make the whole thing unravel.
By the first week, Ayase stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop. By the first month, the past… however long it was, felt like a fading nightmare. In those two months, Ayase talked more than she ever had in her life. She lost her voice more than once, as every topic, every question and opinion and remark that she stopped having chances to give to her friend finally bubbled back up, escaping all at once. The sheer happiness from having the chance to go places with Usagi again almost drowned out the anxiety she got from the crowds that would inevitably be there when she did.
Really, she should have known it wouldn’t last.
It started out small: transfer students, again, but twins this time—and one of them that Usagi had a crush on, which gave her complicated feelings. Usually, Usagi would crush on older guys. She’d try to hit on them, maybe rope Ayase and sometimes Naru into one of her silly plans, and she would inevitably get shot down because they saw her as a kid. Simple. Predictable. But a boy her age…
If Usagi got a crush on a boy her age, and the boy ended up liking her back…
Ayase refused to finish that thought.
It turned out not to matter though, when she saw the way the twins looked at each other. Weird, sure. Not anything there was any point in calling it out, though. And realizing they were “taken” calmed her heart down.
But the moment one problem solved itself, another problem showed up in its wake. Usagi, sighing about something that, once again, she didn’t trust Ayase with. And then, the others, the people she had been replaced with showed up again, dragging her back down, reminding her that that was all she had ever been: a placeholder for someone better.
Chiba Mamoru was clearly a scumbag.
When Usagi tries to go after an older guy, the sane, normal thing to do was to politely but firmly decline. Not Chiba Mamoru, though, because he thought it was perfectly fine for a man his age to be dating a middle schooler.
Granted, Ayase didn’t know much about the guy besides the key facts of A: dating Usagi and B: being too old to date Usagi, but she really didn’t care to. She was perfectly content for her interactions with him, thankfully rare as they may be, to be limited to her fighting between the urge to flinch and the urge to glare a hole straight through him and probably making strange faces in the progress.
And then, he had the AUDACITY to break up with Usagi. It wasn’t enough for him to date a middle schooler, of course not, he had to break her poor heart too!
Getting back together with her didn’t excuse it. In fact, it made the whole thing worse. Usagi wasn’t some toy to be tossed back and forth on a whim. She was a person; a kind, funny, strong person, and more than anyone really deserved, honestly.
That thought was probably what led Ayase where she ended up.
Eventually, enough became enough. If the problem was just Usagi finding better friends, it would be painful, but Ayase could handle it. Whatever she was dealing with in secret was clearly taking its toll on her, however. If Usagi wasn’t going to open up to her, Ayase refused to just helplessly watch. If keeping Usagi safe meant spying on her, so be it.
What she found out was… concerning. Youma attacks. Again and again, Usagi would inevitably be nearby whenever one happened, far too much to be a coincidence.
She should have known, really. Of course something like this would concern her. Of course she’d decide to intervene herself, even if there were Sailor Moon and those other ones to deal with it. Usagi never could leave a person in need alone. That’s why Ayase… became friends with her, after all.
So, if Ayase was going to be of some help to her, she’d have to get between her and the youma. Neither a pleasant thought nor an easy ask. She couldn’t exactly call up Sailor Moon and say ‘Hey, my friend is poking into youma attacks, can you keep an eye out for her and make sure she stays out of the crossfire?’. Even if she could, she doubted the people protecting the whole city from monsters cared to prioritize some random girl’s safety.
Which meant that she needed to beat Usagi to the punch. Somehow. Ayase didn’t even know how Usagi found them so quickly. Still, there’s always supposed to be a pattern, right?
The locations and times never had anything in common. But there was one thing that stood out. Before the attacks happened, there was always the same person: a pale woman with long red hair.
That didn’t really narrow down her search much. Red hair might’ve not exactly been a common color in Japan, but it was still common enough for there to be hundreds, if not thousands of women like that scattered throughout the city, and Ayase wasn’t exactly a detective.
The red-haired woman… The red-haired woman… If Ayase could just find her, she would be there to lead Usagi to safety, if not stop the whole “youma” problem altogether. With such a small lead, though, she spent hour after hour, trying to find something else, some kind of extra clue to put everything together.
It’s no surprise, then, that when one afternoon, she caught a glimpse of red hair and pale skin across the street, Ayase’s feet were already moving before she could process what she saw.
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Ayase had no right to call anyone an idiot now, not after what she fell for.
A strange woman, probably either summoning or making monsters, taking a detour through a park in the middle of the night. Did Ayase really think she’d be able to avoid being noticed? This wasn’t a movie, and 14 year old girls weren’t spies. Of course there’d be a trap. Of course the monster lady would have a monster protecting her. It was only thanks to dumb luck and her hair-trigger anxiety that she hadn’t died on the spot.
As it stood, she managed to run, but with a gash in her side. (A part of her noted that no amount of bleach was ever going to get the blood out of this skirt.) As to where…
It was a school. Her school. Why had she run here, of all places? It wasn’t like Ayase had any destination in mind, just a need to put something in between herself and the thing chasing her. Maybe… maybe it was because Usagi was always there. Sure, Usagi showed up late sometimes, and even she ended up staying home sick once or twice, but for the most part, as suffocating as school could be, it was where she could always find her. Her only friend, the one person who knew the real her, the girl who could always make Ayase smile.
A loud THUMP rang throughout the school, making her flinch and bite back a cry of pain. So much for peacefully bleeding out in the corner of a middle school classroom.
Usagi... What did youma do with bodies anyway? Eat them? Disintegrate them, leaving no trace she died here, a 'missing person'? Or would her body be found in the morning, mangled but identifiable?
She hoped Usagi wouldn't end up blaming herself. The worst thing she could do at this point was hurt her. Better to be forgotten than to make her cry about Ayase's mistakes.
A bang from the hallway. Seems like she got one of the 'not smart enough to open doors' youma. Still, that… thing, was too big to be stopped by a door for very long.
This would be about the point that, if she were someone smart, someone resourceful, someone brave, that she’d be preparing, making some kind of plan, getting some kind of weapon. But Hinata Ayase was none of those things. Even compared to Usagi and her friends, Ayase was a hopelessly normal girl, and as someone accustomed to worrying about how other people could exploit her weaknesses, she had at least enough self awareness to know that there was no way for her to fight back or escape. No hero to swoop in at the last minute, either. She didn’t own a pager, she didn’t think to run somewhere with a phone, and even if there was a phone in this disused classroom, any help would come too late to save her.
Another bang.
What are you supposed to do when you know you’re about to die? Last words, wills, goodbyes… but she was alone in the darkness, not in a hospital bed.
The door gave in with a crash as the monster didn’t so much walk as it did flow in, scraping against the walls as it did.
Fear.
Ayase really didn’t want to die. Hopelessness was only part of why she didn’t move. The other part was that she was frozen in terror at the idea of her own death.
Anger.
What kind of an ending was this? 8 years of happiness, a year of loneliness and fuming, and then dying alone?! She still hadn’t done anything yet, didn’t have anything to leave behind, no clues to at least give her death a purpose!
Guilt.
She really hadn’t been anything besides a burden, had she? Human baggage, kept around until she could be discarded, the first death in a horror movie. Useless. If she had been better, she would’ve been able to help. If she had been smarter, she would have passed on what she knew to someone able to put it to use.
The youma leapt at her, snarling.
Regret.
Ayase wished she was stronger, someone who could fight for what she cared about. She wished she was braver, someone who could face her fears and be who she was without care for what everyone else thought.
But, most of all…
Back then, she was saved. A girl who shined brighter than the moon stood up to protect her, and held out her hand to her.
More than anything, Ayase wished that she could have repaid it. That she could protect Usagi. But she hadn’t. She couldn’t.
And everything faded to white.