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Xue Yang should be more grateful. He’s aware! It’s not like his life hadn’t been picked up in all of its tiny, insignificant pieces and rendered into something closer to a stained glass, rather than a poorly glued together ceramic.
All thanks to Xiao Xingchen, the lead holding his stupid glass pieces secure.
It’s stupid to also think less of his current daily routine, of the systematic way in which he gets to have a roof over his head, eat three meals a day, and sleep on a soft mattress kept warm by the man he loves.
Things did not use to be like this.
Xue Yang used to be scared for his fucking life every single day, making the most of whatever he could grip on like a lifeline. That was something to truly look back on and reject, compared to the natural tranquillity of his new neighbourhood, the friendly and kind faces of families who had known one another for generations despite the recent upgrade in their urban surroundings.
All of that against nights spent getting battered and bruised, picking up scraps and doing odd, underpaid jobs to make an ounce of a living until the morning after.
They’d been wary of his thug demeanour at first, but soon warmed up to his irrefutable charms.
Most of them, at least.
Before he could have had any of this, Xiao Xingchen had found him in a bloody ditch at his worst moment, and Xue Yang had relentlessly fallen in love with him because that was how it always was. The smallest kindness and the brightest smile, and he was over and done for.
He had come from a small, unpromising peasant town, which he’d blown to hell before moving to a larger city. Spurred by a number of daydreams, hopes to grant himself a better life quality than his hometown could ever strive to give him.
Again, simple daydreams.
Xue Yang had fallen into a detrimental cycle made of all his worst choices, after being turned down by countless businesses, because they could not value his skill over his education; all he’d learnt, he’d taught himself. Apparently, it was not a good enough qualification, despite his genius.
He did not crawl back to his village. He couldn’t have stained his pride that way.
Xue Yang had gritted his teeth and stayed in the city, against all odds, toughened by his troubled childhood.
Yet a troubled child could only keep leading the troubled life he’d ever known.
Not that it did not work. He’d survived, hadn’t he?
The sole sight of Xiao Xingchen had always exuded all the good things that Xue Yang could have never dreamt of achieving. A loving family, an actual job, a place to stay, to belong.
Happiness, carefree contentment.
And for some goddamn reason, Xiao Xingchen chose Xue Yang.
Gave him a place to stay, the prospect of something akin to a job - although he’d told him many times they could still live off of his income, for the time being - and love. An insurmountable amount of love, and a sense of belonging.
Xue Yang still wishes he could flaunt it, that he could walk the street gripping his hand tight and smirking at anyone that would look at them wrong.
It would be so freeing to kiss him in front of all the women that keep ogling and hitting on him, be it in the square or at work.
The secrecy of their relationship doesn’t really bother him, only a fool would risk their life to brag about it. What actually frustrates him is the inability to punch whoever made those obvious and stupid advances on Xingchen so carelessly, and did not back off even after his clear disinterest.
Sometimes, Xue Yang is happy that his job consists of just kinda hanging out in a boring office full of supplies he tinkers with until the building or the business itself runs into technical problems he has to fix.
At least he does not have to interact with anyone most of the time.
Other than when Xingchen comes to pay a visit during his lunch break to kiss him senseless, that is. That certainly doesn’t aggravate him.
All of their coworkers have praised their wonderful friendship in the past as something so pure and unconditional, blind moles not catching onto why two young men would live together for so long and have not found a wife just yet.
Xue Yang should be thankful for their stupidity, too.
Xiao Xingchen’s widely spread and known amiability has covered their tracks ever since: the way he’s always helped everyone out at the workplace, lent his mind or even money to fix issues that weren’t even his own burden to bear were a frequent commendation amongst them.
Of course he would help out his street rat of a friend and pause his future family life to make sure his friend has a steady lifestyle first.
Still, Xue Yang’s recent sourness is also due to this very tendency of them thinking of his lover as an angel sent from above: a couple of months prior, Xingchen had come home with the announcement of a new position, inevitably becoming more important and valuable to his superior due to how dedicated he was in putting more effort than needed in everything he did.
They’d been happy at first, even proud.
Then, Xue Yang understood quickly that more importance meant more responsibilities to juggle within their life, and as Xingchen was written down as technically “unmarried”, they allowed themselves to unload even more of their work onto him than needed.
It wasn’t like there was anyone important waiting at home for him, was there?
This doubled the hours he returned late, the days in which he’d come home and head straight to bed suffering a pounding headache, unable to handle the sudden shift in his routine. Unable to pay any sort of attention to Xue Yang.
Ever since, every other conversation of theirs has been either riddled with guilt over having missed something they had planned, or pure tiredness, where Xiao Xingchen decrees that he does not want to argue, and only wants to rest.
He opens his arms for Xue Yang to come cuddle with him, and Xue Yang starts wavering, doesn’t immediately comply with an inkling leaving angry burns at the level of his heart.
The day after, Xingchen has already forgotten all about the bitterness of the night before and Xue Yang gets stuck in a loop of dissatisfaction.
He grows sour, more irritable, feels his voice rise quicker than usual during their banter, notices the way Xingchen flinches back in surprise each time he loses his temper faster.
Sometimes it’s Xue Yang who is taken aback. Sometimes it’s Xingchen who explodes unexpectedly, over the smallest things, and leaves the room claiming to be needing some time to think.
One day it’s a misplaced object, another is a misunderstanding lost in semantics, or a disagreement over the choice for dinner.
It fucking sucks, it makes his stomach sink, like something disastrous is looming over him. Approaching, unstoppable, and he turns away from it in denial.
Everything gets worse when Xue Yang realises the sole thought of Xiao Xingchen renders him full of contempt.
When the walls around him are erected once more, when he pretends to stop caring “just to see what happens”, when his thoughts start catastrophizing scenarios where he and Xingchen part ways and he feels nothing. When on the umpteenth forgotten occasion he lets out a choked sob that echoes in the emptiness of their kitchen.
He heard before of spouses eventually hating each other and staying in their marriages for the sake of it, but he never thought, with someone as overwhelmingly adoring as Xingchen, that would be something that could happen to him.
Xue Yang feels pathetic to admit even to himself how ardently he longs for the usual gentleness that softened his lover. The happy crinkles next to his eyes whenever he took in the sight of Xue Yang, the morning kisses, the small, but thoughtful surprises he’d get after a heavy shift, his sweetness with their limbs entangled underneath the bedsheets.
Even Xingchen’s sappiness would sound welcome now, all the things Xue Yang scoffs at, all that he finds silly, like Xingchen performing a made up ceremony in the privacy of their living room and calling him his husband ever since.
When did that last happen?
He wipes his eyes with the back of his hands and gets back to making dinner the moment he hears the front door open.
Usually Xiao Xingchen doesn’t come home this early, has he been graced by some unknown god on the one day that Xue Yang would’ve preferred solitude?
He barely registers the voice announcing itself, the shuffling of steps and a coat being slid off of shoulders until Xiao Xingchen reaches his side to sigh with his eyes closed and his head supported by a cupboard. « How was your day? » he asks, with the same exhausted tone of the past months, the one that makes him believe Xingchen doesn’t actually care to hear what he has to say.
« Fine, » is all Xue Yang offers, and his own voice comes out frail, to the point he has to clear his throat to correct himself.
A hand passes through his hair but his eyes remain fixed onto the counter before him. « Are you alright? » Xingchen moves cautiously, fixing Xue Yang’s locks behind his ear so he can take a clearer look at his face.
What do you fucking think?
« Why wouldn’t I be? » there’s too much antagonism in that retort, Xue Yang inwardly curses himself. That same hand moves his chin gently, until he faces his lover.
« Your eyes are a little red, a-Yang. Is it your allergies again? Have you taken your medication? »
« Ugh, » he rips himself from his grasp and pulls away from his reach. Sure, whatever, he can hang onto that lie and end the conversation early that way. « I did, I’m not an idiot. »
« I didn’t- » there’s a suffering look wrinkling Xingchen’s expression, one that Xue Yang doesn’t see nor notice. He exhales heavily again and rests his eyes, leaning against the counter.
Met with only silence and feigned disinterest, Xingchen starts making his way out of the kitchen. « I’m taking a shower, I’ll be quick. »
Xue Yang acknowledges that with a hum.
A voice in his mind is screaming for him to come back and just- embrace him, kiss him, do anything and make him forget the anguish crushing his bones. To pretend nothing’s wrong, to pretend he still loves him like the first time Xingchen crowded him against a wall with eyes full of fright and determination and closed the distance between them.
It’s only a matter of seconds, after the muffled sound of the water running, that he is looking upwards, blinking rapidly at the new wave of incoming tears.
How fucking stupid does he have to be, to have gotten wrapped up in this? He’d known worse pains, experienced prolonged strain and dolence as a kid, yet his constricting heart and the piercing in his lungs are still a torture he cannot handle.
He should laugh at himself.
Why does he even care for a stupid day such as this? It’s not even that big of a deal, only stupid couples celebrate that kind of occurrence, why’s he crying about it?
Xiao Xingchen really did good work, fixing his life only to break his mind. Their coworkers should praise him about that.
Thankfully, there are no more comments on his puffy eyes over dinner.
Xingchen’s gaze is distant, still thinking about the countless tasks that await him tomorrow, the ones he wasn’t able to complete today, the way nobody cares for the mental toll they’re putting him under. Well, that is to be expected, from employers taking advantage of his good nature.
« Happy anniversary, by the way, » Xue Yang’s voice shakes him from the void his thoughts were being sucked into, and he watches him stand at the kitchen door, with nothing but disappointment in his eyes. « It’s the seventeenth, Xingchen. »
Xue Yang stares as realisation finally hits Xingchen and a heavy mortification paints his face in a deep frown.
He doesn’t even give him the time to reply, that he lets out a dejected laugh and shuts the door behind himself, leaving Xiao Xingchen to grimace at the food he hadn’t noticed was still mostly untouched on his plate.
« My love, » the mattress dips and Xiao Xingchen sits next to where Xue Yang is curled up, stroking his back in slow caresses. He feels nothing. « Will you let me apologise to you? »
« It doesn’t matter, » Xue Yang tells him, repeating the mantra he’d been losing himself to all day. « I don’t actually care. »
« We should speak, » says Xingchen, like a bad omen, a raven circling in flight over rotting flesh. « We haven’t spoken in a while. »
« I’m tired. Tomorrow, » Xue Yang observes he should at least be given the fucking decency of not being broken up with on their anniversary. He pulls the blanket tighter around himself, tries to go over the million scenarios and solutions he’s come up with in the past month in case he does end up being kicked out, where he could go.
He could hit up an old friend, shamefully drag himself back to his hometown, anything to never let his face be seen again in this fucking city, where old strangers already give him the stink-eye plenty.
Though he’d miss the auntie next door’s cakes.
« Alright. Sleep well, a-Yang, » Xingchen leans down, but the kiss he leaves on his temple burns unpleasantly, as a reminder of all the ones Xue Yang hasn’t been given for weeks he’s long lost count of.
Xue Yang doesn’t come home after work.
Who does Xingchen think he is, being the only one to decide to break their whole thing off? Why is he letting himself be dragged around in the first place?
So he doesn’t come home, he doesn’t let their talk happen, because he doesn’t fucking want this to end. As much as it hurts so badly to be suffocating in disappointment every day of his stupid life, at least there is someone. He never had someone, why can’t he even keep that?
Better to feel despair than nothing at all.
Hands twitching, his body automatically brings him to a less inhabited part of the city, shadier streets, with fewer lamps and no officers patrolling at night.
Enough calculated, snarled words can get anyone’s fists on you.
It’s the most exhilarated he’s been in weeks, cackling like the madman he should have become as ugly bruises blossom across his body, the skin on his knuckles splitting.
Letting a stranger kick your ass might just be the best method to think more clearly, Xue Yang believes so the moment he notices the buzzing tormenting his mind has finally disappeared.
He looks down at his watch - a gift from Xingchen - and tries to angle it so that the moonlight hits his arm enough to be able to consider how late it is. Is it a proper length of time to have made him get a taste of his own medicine?
Eh. Not like it even matters anymore, at the end of the day, the talk still awaits him and Xingchen is going to inform him about how unhappy Xue Yang is making him, or whatever, and Xue Yang will be back to sleep on this stupid dark street.
Can’t he speed the process, then? At this point, why not directly stay there, sitting with his back against a grimy wall and his legs damp in a mix of soil and dirty rainwater.
It feels comforting, for some reason, with the chilly autumn air cooling his feverish skin. Like a nostalgic childhood.
God, what a pathetic image.
« A-Yang? »
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
« A-Yang! » Xiao Xingchen quickens his steps, stopping only once he’s close enough to crouch in front of Xue Yang. He scans his face, and finds a split lip and the start of a bruise across his cheekbone. « Why are you here? Why didn’t you come home? » he doesn’t sound mad, there’s a mixture of confusion and concern in his tone. Fear, still in his eyes, as he registers the injuries he can see. His hands lock on Xue Yang’s arms, gripping tight and keeping him anchored there. « Who hurt you? What ha- »
Xue Yang scoffs, rolls his eyes like that wasn’t going to be the outcome of their story anyway. « What, don’t feel like discarding me anymore all of a sudden? »
« I don’t- what? » Xingchen looks truly taken aback, he might even commend him on his acting skills later.
When it’s over.
« Come on. I’m even making it easy for you. Don’t tell me you think I don’t know what the fuck you want to talk about. »
There’s a silent moment where Xiao Xingchen’s expression wavers, he’s considering his words, his tone proceeding more cautiously. « Xue Yang, what do you think it is? »
« Obviously you wanna dump me, I’m not fucking stupid. I figured I’d just stay here at this point, » Xue Yang shrugs, and grins a little when he notices he is technically near a dumpster, which makes everything so ironically funny he could burst out laughing till his lungs lose capacity. He doesn’t even care for the understanding, worried gaze Xingchen pins on him.
« That’s … not at all what I was going to do. »
« Yeah, right. »
Does he think he’s dumb? Does he think he can backpedal just because Xue Yang figured him out? Tough fucking chance.
Xiao Xingchen shakes his head, and the way the moonlight hits his perfect face makes his eyes shine in a sad glow. « A-Yang, let me take you home. Please. Come with me, I’ll fix it. I’ll fix everything, » he says, leaning forward.
Xue Yang scoffs again, tries to wiggle free from his hold with barely any strength. « What’s there to fix. »
« Please, » Xingchen’s voice is wet, his lips tremble in between his words. His hands find Xue Yang’s face, cradling him close. « I love you. »
« Shut up, you don’t know who the hell’s listening- »
« I love you, » Xingchen ignores his warning, he kisses him and it’s everything Xue Yang can do not to wail and sob into it. There’s a bloodstain on his lip when Xingchen pulls back. « Let me take you home. »
Xue Yang doesn’t fight it this time when he’s lifted off the ground. He lets Xingchen walk him home, stunned into silence from a long craved tenderness and the way Xingchen holds his hand tight in deserted streets.
He feels a little stupid once his most calamitous thoughts start leaving him. Completely dead set on being abandoned, he hadn’t taken into account that the first quality of his lover had always been an overwhelming need to correct complicated situations.
« I’m sorry I’ve been … emotionally absent as of late, » Xiao Xingchen brushed Xue Yang’s cheek once he was done treating his wounds, pushing his medical kit box aside. He’s sitting at their kitchen table beside him, holding their hands together.
Xue Yang snorts at that, although the consistent touch is far more comforting than he likes to admit. « You’ve been kind of physically absent, too. »
Xingchen doesn’t hide his grimace, nor is he scared to agree. « I have not been paying attention to you at all. The new position has drained me so much that I- I forgot myself. I felt like I floated through days, like nothing else was real anymore, » his eyes search Xue Yang’s to pin his gaze there, keep him solid and undeniable. « Even when you were there, your presence felt like a soothing balm that I still couldn’t reach. And then you closed off on me, because of myself, and I couldn’t see you anymore, » Xingchen pauses, his frame softening, remembering in that grounding hold how deep his love has always run. « But I still want you, I could never think to be rid of you. I would never turn my husband away. »
Xue Yang bites at the inside of his mouth, right under his lower lip, his canines chewing at the specific spot.
The spoken reminder of what Xingchen has forgotten to call him as of late blooming like his feelings are returning all over again, like the numbness has never been there in the first place, like everything there is to forgive has never even happened.
Like he can grin at Xingchen, pull him in for a kiss, tell him it doesn’t matter, and carry on with their lives as usual.
It took so little, so very little to wipe away the shadows in his heart.
But he’s sure Xingchen doesn’t expect this kind of conversation to end so quickly, so easily. He has to air out his own grievances.
« You made me feel like shit, » Xue Yang glares at him, ignoring the way his feelings still dance around the word “husband”. « You made me feel like I was back in a survival mindset, I was on edge in every one of our interactions. Waiting for the breaking point. You’re an asshole for that, » he points out, shoving a finger to his chest.
Xingchen pouts, and he cannot stop himself from imagining the comparison to a kicked puppy caught misbehaving. « I know … »
He bites his lip again, this time to stop himself from smiling. « But … I guess I’m an idiot for not saying shit either, and avoiding you too. »
« You were doing that as a consequence of my own mistake. It’s not on you, » Xingchen insists. The grip on his hands tightens, his pout turning into a disagreeing frown.
« I guess. You should make it up to me! » Xue Yang allows himself to grin; whenever Xingchen felt guilty in the past, he always went out of his way to please him until he deemed it was enough to have made up for his wrongs. His own weird way of coping. Xue Yang looked away from his timid, sprouting smile. « Anyway, I started spiraling and kept it to myself. You told me not to do that before, and I’ve done it regardless. So, » he shrugs.
Xingchen shakes his head, still unconvinced. « It wouldn’t have happened, if not for me. »
« Okay, okay, I get it, take all the blame! » Xue Yang throws up both his hands in defeat, his attempt at a mutual apology gone out the window. Who was he to not accept being excused from taking fault anyway?
Whatever made his man happy.
Xingchen is still giggling, still reaching out for his touch, when he remembers something he’s been meaning to ask.
« Now that we’re airing everything out, what were those medical papers I saw the other day? You didn’t tell me you’ve seen your doctor. Or that you had a check-up, for the matter. You’re not telling me anything about yourself anymore. »
Xue Yang had tried to justify the tardiness because of that visit, that evening, to try and quiet down his sour reaction. Although the realisation that he hadn’t even known about it multiplied his discontent.
« Those- I planned to tell you, » Xingchen averts his eyes this time, the spot between his eyebrows twisting up in the way it does whenever he’s in conflict. « I wanted to, as soon as I had spare time. I was only … I was afraid of starting this conversation with you. »
« Why? Scared of what? » genuine confusion paints Xue Yang’s face. He’s never been scared to tell him anything. Actually, Xue Yang is usually the one most likely to come home with upsetting news. « Do you need to tell me we need more money for some treatment? I’m not scared of getting my hands dirty, you know this. »
« It’s not- not that, » Xingchen lets go of him to wring his own hands together. He hesitates, and in that silence Xue Yang starts to wonder whether he should be getting wary again, whether something unforgivable is about to be confessed. He hangs onto every word when Xingchen regards him and takes a breath. « I may be getting examined for an eye disease. The way the blurriness in my vision is developing isn’t … promising, is what my optometrist told me. »
Ah. That was it?
Xingchen had lamented his sight still worsening recently, the news isn’t something that comes as much of a surprise to him. They had confronted his experience with others, and he’d already come to that possible conclusion in his mind. Xue Yang stares back with an unchanging expression. « … why were you afraid of telling me? »
« Because if I do have this condition, I might become blind in the long run, » Xingchen explains with a sad smile. His tone suggests the worst case scenario is already predestined to him. « That means I would have to depend entirely on you and I- I don’t want to burden you nor chain you to me like this. I don’t want you to sacrifice your happiness for me, so if you don’t want to risk dealing with that, I … I would understand. Especially after having hurt you like this. »
A few beats of silence pass, Xue Yang is still frozen in the same inexpressive look, until he leans back in his chair and curses under his breath. « You’re so fucking stupid, » he says, releasing the tension locking up his body. He sighs deeply and then leans forward again to take Xingchen’s face in his hands and bring it close to his own. « Have I ever told you that? I should tell you more. »
« You should tell me how many times you’d like, » Xingchen murmurs, his eyes inevitably falling to Xue Yang’s lips.
« Well, you’re a fucking idiot, » Xue Yang grabs his chin and pulls him in for a kiss, their mouths crashing together. He pushes away mere seconds after. « And I don’t care if you’re blind or crippled, or can’t remember what you’ve done in the morning by the end of the day, as long as you don’t fucking leave me. »
« I won’t leave you, » Xingchen sounds near desperate, already clutching at the front of his shirt. Xue Yang bites down on his lip when he kisses him again. « My love, I won’t leave you, » he promises, after a shaky exhale, his arms locking around his lover’s neck.
Xingchen repeats it like a mantra, like a vow in between Xue Yang’s kisses until he’s certain enough that he can believe him. Maybe there are a few tear tracks down Xue Yang’s cheeks that they don’t talk about, that he wipes kindly, leisurely, that he kisses away till Xue Yang is pulling away in a fit of giggles.
« How do you plan to win me over again? »
Xiao Xingchen hums, he ponders the question with a little smirk that usually never promises anything good. Then he gasps, like a researcher upon an epiphany. « Let’s take a vacation. Let’s leave this place, and think only of each other. And when I come back, I’ll tell them to either lower my workload, or they might as well fire me, » he says, with the kind of authority that makes Xue Yang grin. « I do not intend on getting stepped on like this ever again, for your sake and mine. »
« Hm, » Xue Yang feigns considering that option, like there is a universe where he would say no to having his lover wholly to himself. « Could work. You could get that eye exam and tell them that work stress made you progressively blind, and thus they need to compensate you for the rest of your life. »
Xingchen laughs, his head shaking with it. « You know we don’t have the kind of lawyer that could cover such a case. »
« What if I do? Let a man dream, » Xue Yang crosses his arms and tilts his chin in challenge, with the same smirk from before.
Xiao Xingchen could bite him for how adorable he looks. He stands up and leans over him, placing a hand in the middle of his chest. « I most certainly can, » he murmurs, pecking his lips once, soft and gorgeous. « Don’t come in tomorrow. Rest. I’ll settle everything with our boss, including our other time off. I will cover your sick days. »
« Wow. Someone should really marry you. »
« Someone ought to, » Xingchen snickers, after helping to pull him up to his feet. « Would you be up for that task? »
« Dunno. Heard you’ve already got a husband. Don’t think he’s as cool as me, though. »
He tilts his head, studying him to keep up the charade. « Mh … I think my spouse is the coolest in the world. »
Xue Yang scoffs theatrically, rolling his eyes. « I heard he can’t even afford a nice ring! Give me a chance, I could do so much better than him. »
« It’s okay. I’ve been saving up to do that for him. »
An out of character laugh escapes Xue Yang, who recovers enough to see his lover’s expression not morph in the slightest, still looking at him with the same warm beam, so genuine that it sounds- « … wait, are you for real? »
Like the absolute menace he is, Xiao Xingchen shrugs, and turns around with a grin. « Let’s make some tea, it’s too late for dinner. »
« Hey, answer me! »
« I bought some pastries on my way back, get them in the fridge for me? »
« Oh my god, Xingchen. »
There was something to be said about stained glass. Awe-inspiring works of art. No matter the weather outside, they made it look like it was always sunny from within, bright light casting through them.
A ray of hope, that perhaps if you peeked out the door, you could still be met with a warm, clear-skied day.