Work Text:
The human sense of self is something that comes naturally to people. During childhood development, children go through periods of their lives where they learn, explore, and shape their identities. However, in certain situations, the nurture of the child can greatly affect this development. When the sense of self is never fully able to develop, what is a person left with?
Hiyori’s eyes dig into the ceiling, as if they were trying to peel the paint away from the drywall. Whispered yet loud words replay in his head as each breath escapes his quivering lips.
”Can you act like you care about the people around you for once?”
Jun’s words were nothing short of harsh, but it was deserved. Even though it was something Jun blurted out angrily during an argument, Hiyori still took it to heart. Even if there was no weight behind it. Even if it meant nothing. Even if it was anger talking and not honesty.
The reality is; he does care. He cares so much. He believes himself to be on a pedestal, hundreds of feet below those around him. But admitting that wouldn’t be very noble. It would be pathetic, even. And he can’t be pathetic. No. That’s not him; that’s not his character.
So he lays, endlessly drifting away in the essence of his solitude, directly next to a sleeping soul that was wrapped around his side.
His Jun-kun. His muse.
Hiyori cards his hand through Jun’s fluffy tufts of hair, careful not to wake the light sleeper. The warmth of touching his most precious possession blooms chrysanthemums in his heart, spreading rapidly through every capillary and vein in a frenzy.
Hiyori wants to treat those around him better. He knows he can, he knows he wants to. But his entire outlook of life is a blurred line between reality and fantasy; a constant battle of control over what’s an act and what isn’t. If Hiyori could, he would reach inside himself, searching his very soul for answers of who he is and what he wants to be. Yet, the more he thinks about it, the harder it gets. It gets more confusing.
“I’m sorry,” Hiyori’s voice is barely above a whisper in the constraints of night’s darkness.
He chokes on his breaths in a lousy attempt of holding back a sob. He continues to play with the softness of Jun’s hair, admiring his strength, dexterity, and success. Jun is everything he wishes he could be, deep down. Jun is everything he’s ever wanted; everything he’s ever dreamed of having. He’s lucky, and he knows he doesn’t deserve him.
”Quit overthinkin’ and sleep.”
Jun’s voice was quiet and muffled into Hiyori’s shoulder, but it startled him. Hiyori was speechless. What do you even say to that?
”Sorry,” Hiyori whispers.
”Shh. Don’t say that. Sleep, princess,” Jun was short, to the point, and a little unsure of how to handle Hiyori’s emotions. But this was the best he could probably do.
Hiyori was always so stunned at the way Jun saw through all of his flaws. It was as if Jun had special vision right into his soul and could see his true self and understand it. Hiyori always found that he learns more about himself from Jun than he does from himself. Another flaw for the list, but he could think about that later. Jun loved him. He cared for him. He understood him, and maybe over time, he’ll help him understand himself. Maybe this was okay.
“Goodnight then,” Hiyori kisses the top of Jun’s head, exhaling softly, but Jun had already fallen back into a slumber.
Perhaps instinct woke him up in those moments. Or maybe it was their invisible string of fate. Hiyori could only ponder the options before a slumber overtook his being as well.