Archive of Our Own

i’m never gonna pass like this, am i?

rugged hair, baggy band merch, low-waisted pants. 

what the fuck’s not working?

beomgyu shifts, eyes having been so fixated on his own reflection that he flinches when it moves along with him. the person in front of him doesn’t feel like him at all, his body entirely disconnected. 

not like he can dwell on it too much. 

he’s got a life to live, after all. 

his headphones shift uncomfortably before he readjusts them. he wonders if it’s his body trying to jerk away from the volume, eardrums no doubt ringing once he eventually removes them again. not like he cares. 

maybe it would’ve been easier if he worked somewhere else, somewhere where people didn’t know him- someplace where she never existed. not like he really has the energy to look for something else. he doubts there is any place that would be as easy for him to work at, be as considerate. 

it’s a still reminder of reality, of what he actually is to everyone else. the differences he’ll never make up for like this. 

his ears ring and he blinks a few times so his eyes readjust after the spot he fixated on started blurring. 

beomgyu should be grateful, after all, that he’s not working out front today. 

the cold of the night is pleasant at least. 

his lungs burning brings him a sense of comfort. he wonders if his rapidly racing heart is trying to get him to stop and finds a little bit of cruel amusement in the futile attempt. he truly couldn’t care less. 

he can pretend to be okay with his friends, but how often does he actually end up seeing them? between the urge to isolate, the annoyance they spur in him after the fact, the emptiness they leave him with, how little time he has over work and urgent distractions- there’s not much space to meet up with anyone anyway. 

it’s okay at work, when he can pretend to distract himself enough to never think, never let himself think about anything at all. 

and then he gets back home and all that’s left is an illusion of himself so distorted he doesn’t remember who he even is, truly. 

so, really, what does he have left except for quiet night walks and accepting that the more aware of himself he becomes, the more days will begin to blur around him? 

another month passing with nothing to show for it. 

despite feeling like a rotten corpse just blindly going through the motions, like something far from human, something that smiles and laughs and disconnects enough to never think again- it’s not like he’s bad at pretending. in fact it’s perhaps the only thing he’s genuinely good at. 

going through the motions of someone average, he works to earn money and makes sure there are enough groceries in the house. he showers and keeps his hair just in shape, he washes his face and brushes his teeth daily, even gets dressed most of all days. he maintains enough relationships for it to be reasonable. he’s doing well, objectively, despite it all.

he’s equipped with a well organised list of groceries to buy and one of those reusable shopping bags, like a well-organised person and it helps him pretend in the midst of this supermarket, an early morning so as to not run into a swell of people- like that would actually make a difference. 

nobody has ever spoken to him in a supermarket before, but well, aren’t there first times for everything?

“uhm, sorry man?” 

strange. that voice sure was close, he didn’t really realise there were that many people in the aisle. he doesn’t spare it a second thought, eyes silently scanning the products in front of him to find the specific flavour he’s looking for, half a mind for what to do if they’re sold out again-

“excuse me…”

the same voice accompanied with a gentle poke to his shoulder has him spinning around in an instant, disoriented and a little more surprised than he should be. after all he’s never been spoken to in a place like this. 

he looks around the aisle for a second. there’s only him and the offender. 

so… then. 

sorry man. 

that’s him. 

for a second he feels so disconnected from his body it’s almost enough to send him into a horrible spiral, but then he remembers he has a social interaction to master. 

“yeah? sorry, didn’t think you were talking to me.” 

whatever initial, and very favourable, reaction the stranger seemed to have of him- he knows this moment will destroy the illusion. him turning around, his voice when he speaks. not that he minds, the simple misunderstanding is probably going to bring him through the week. 

his opposite is a man he has to tilt his head up to, someone around his age whose mere optic makes him burn with a feeling he can’t quite place. something like all-encompassing awe and bitter, burning jealousy. a boy with broad shoulders, slender and tall, longer hair curled into dyed strands of mint. he wishes desperately it was this easy for him. 

“no worries man, just wanted to ask if you know your way around here? i’ve never been here before and i don’t really wanna ask an employee to be honest.” 

something so casual about the interaction, about the foreign term being directed at him once again, the ease with which the other talks to him. almost like he thinks beomgyu is-

he wants to shake in excitement, instead he trains himself to stay cool. this is the first time something like this has happened to him, after all, being able to genuinely fool someone like this. 

“sure dude, what d’ya need? i can help.” 

dude? who the fuck actually says dude? he’s like ninety percent sure that sounded awkward as all fuck, that he’s closer to breaking the illusion once again. 

yet, nothing happens. the boy smiles and thanks him, gestures cute and easy. he can afford it, after all, doesn’t have anything to prove. admiration mixes with utter resentment. 

turns out he’s just looking for the aisle of instant food. that’s literally it. beomgyu guides him there easily, almost amused. 

he watches the other contemplatively picking up a few packs of instant ramen. it’s a little endearing how he bunches them up in his arms, long baggy sleeves hanging awkwardly around the items. 

“oh you like them too?” the stranger asks, suddenly, trying to point at his band shirt with fully occupied hands. beomgyu’s heart almost stops beating for a moment. 

“my roommate has, like, a poster of this exact design- not kidding.” 

 it makes him smile, bright and wild, uncontrollable.

“yeah, they’re awesome. your roommate’s got taste.” 

when the other laughs, it’s high pitched, so uncaring. it sounds boyish, still. 

he’s not sure what to say next. 

“you looking for anything else?” 

“oh yeah, could you just point me to the drinks?” 

it’s close by, so he can easily point it out without trouble. the other’s arm twitches like he wants to use it for something, but stops himself when he remembers all the items he’s carrying. 

“thanks dude,” he uses the term so easily, much less awkward, but it makes beomgyu feel strangely safe. he’s still dude to the other, for some reason, “and uhm… like…” 

the sudden hesitance makes beomgyu freeze. he’s been found out, hasn’t he? he almost thought he could get away with it. how pathetic. there’s no way anything good could ever-

“i know this is crazy, but you live around here, right? do you, like, know the way to the nearest train station or something?” 

it’s so unexpected beomgyu almost bursts out laughing. then he stops himself. 

“i mean, yeah of course?” 

“well, this might be too much to ask, but, could you maybe, like, explain where it is?”

he’s being so fucking polite. beomgyu wonders what the other actually thinks he is. 

never having been asked anything like this, being horrible with directions, he has no idea what to respond for a second. 

“gladly, just like… i’m horrible at giving directions. i could give you the address or something-”

“yeah, the thing is my phone is literally about to die and i can’t use maps to get there, y’know?” 

beomgyu wonders what to do for a minute. but this is perhaps the best social interaction he’s ever had, something he’ll treasure for the rest of his miserable life. the other has no idea how much this means to him. he can’t let this boy wander some unknown streets, no way. 

“if you give me like a few minutes to finish getting my things, i could walk you there if that’s okay?” 

the stranger seems ecstatic. 

“fuck- my guy, you’re literally a saviour- thank you so, so much!” 

the smile he gets blessed with makes beomgyu so giddy his knees feel like giving out. he genuinely feels as pleased as though he’d just saved someone’s life. my guy.

“anytime, man.” that must’ve been weird, but the other doesn’t seem fazed. 

“take your time, i’ll be checking out the drinks until then.” 

beomgyu nods, the stranger turns and one of his packs of ramen falls to the floor. 

he picks it up, then thinks for a second. 

“wanna put them in my bag until we’re at check-out?”

the other never seems to stop smiling. 

“you’re so damn nice.” 

beomgyu doesn’t remember the last time he’s rushed through all his groceries like this. he reunites with the other in what feels like a minute and actually wasn’t more than three. 

“that was quick, man!” 

beomgyu fears he’ll burst any second now. 

the other holds two more cans of some sort of alcohol beomgyu isn’t fond of and leaves equipped with nothing but. 

he puts the other’s ramen before his own groceries and encourages the stranger to go first. when he pays, he pulls a wallet out of his pant’s pockets. something like keys can be heard jiggling when he does. it makes beomgyu feel incredibly self-conscious of his neatly organised sling bag. it gets worse when the other receives a regular plastic bag to carry his groceries with, knuckles turning white around the seam of his own reusable one. 

“i’ll wait outside,” he shouts before leaving the store and beomgyu feels a little calmer when he does. 

going through the motions of packing and paying almost robotically, distracted by the previous interaction, he almost misses it. 

“thanks,” he says, absentmindedly, “have a good day.” 

“you too, ma’am!” 

and the illusion is broken without delay, the bleak reality of what he actually is returning to him. 

he tries not to cry on his way out, because that’s embarrassing and boys don’t cry, so the least he can do is fucking act like one. 

he finds the stranger standing outside and returns to his body a little bit- groceries discarded and a cigarette in hand. 

“sorry, ‘m almost done!” 

but beomgyu stops him from putting it out by grabbing himself one of his own. 

they smoke in silence for a while, almost like there’s a sense of comradery between them, and only break it when the other’s phone starts ringing. 

“fuck,” he says, and beomgyu can see red at the top of his display- those two percent must be clinging to dear life from the stranger picking up the phone. he gives beomgyu an apologetic look that beomgyu meets with what he hopes to be an understanding smile. 

“hi, sorry, i’m literally almost out of battery but i’ll come home with the next train!” 

he can’t hear the response from the other end of the line. 

“yeah, don’t worry, i met this super nice guy who’s showing me the way.”

there’s that word again, and beomgyu’s breath halts as he wonders if the other is kidding.

“he’s our age, relax.” 

beomgyu is so endeared by the boy having people in his life that seem so caring, he almost forgets to register the used pronoun. then he tries his hardest not to completely freak out or giggle like a maniac. 

he can hear muffled dialogue of words he can’t make out, then a sudden cut-off. 

“shit, my battery died!” 

the words are directed at him, so he makes an empathetic grimace but can’t bring himself to verbally respond. both of their cigarettes are burned out at this point. 

beomgyu isn’t good at small talk, unsure of the social expectations or ways he’s supposed to respond, but it comes to him easily with this guy- simple questions about conditions, how long they’ve lived in the area, hell, even the weather. he learns that, unsurprisingly, the other has just moved recently and shares a place with another boy. they both study at the same university that’s surprisingly far away considering he went out of his way to move in together with someone else, but beomgyu doesn’t see it his business to ask about it. must be nice to live like that. 

the way to the train station is drastically too short to actually get to know each other. it’s friendly questions shared between two strangers who’ll likely never interact again, but he can’t remember ever feeling so compelled to stay in someone’s presence forever. the boy is lovely, nice, and seems to still think of him as, well, him. for the first time ever in his life, he doesn’t quite feel entirely wrong. 

“thanks so much for this again, you’re seriously too nice.” 

“literally don’t worry, it’s kinda on the way for me anyway.” 

that seems to relieve the other a little. it’s kinda cute how gentle the boy is, despite the brutish language. 

“well, do you know what train to take?”

turns out he doesn’t, so beomgyu looks up the platform and arrival time for his next ride. 

“damn, you just missed the last one. gonna take, like, forty minutes until the next one’s here.” 

he doesn’t seem as annoyed as he expected, a little bummed out at most and it fades quite quickly. 

“you’re seriously saving me here, i feel like i need to repay you or something.” 

he only laughs in return, something restrained and quiet. he doesn’t want to break the illusion now- not when it’s lasted so long. 

“there’s nothing to repay, promise,” he says, thinking that without even noticing the boy has literally made his entire day, week- fuck perhaps the next month. 

“you’re too nice, uh…” what starts enthusiastically trails off and he doesn’t get the hint until he starts speaking again. 

“i never even introduced myself, my name’s kai!” 

kai. a foreign name, so well-fitting. beomgyu smiles despite himself. 

“cool,” he takes a second, two, then breathes in deeply, “i’m beomgyu.” 

it feels fucking ecstatic to say it out loud. for once, not like a lie, not a correction of someone slipping up once again. just, him. quite simple. he doesn’t have to justify himself, doesn’t get questioned for a second. 

kai simply smiles at him, no awkward formalities anymore, no need for forced reciprocations. 

“well, beomgyu, i shall forever be grateful for your services.” 

it’s silly. he almost giggles, but only smiles and hopes it doesn’t look all too fond. he’s never heard his name spoken with such ease. his friends don’t really use his name. or address him directly like this at all, actually. he’s never heard them speak about him. sometimes it makes him feel like they’d all stop pretending behind his back, as soon as he’s gone. 

he feels so strangely connected to kai, leaving feels unimaginable. so, he does a crazy thing. 

“well, if you wanna be grateful for me some more, i could wait here with you until the train arrives?” 

he’s nervous, so fucking nervous, he feels like he’s gonna faint right here, in real life, like a character in a weird comic. why would the boy ever agree to that? 

“you’d do that?” and it sounds so earnestly excited beomgyu is ready to rip out his heart and hand it to the other. 

“like, i really don’t wanna hold you up or keep you here, but i mean if you really wanted to-” 

“i do, you seem cool.” 

and kai smiles so brightly he can see his gums, lips stretched around perfect teeth. his chest tightens drastically. 

“you too, i’m super excited you offered.” 

they sit on the dirty floor of the train station for the entire forty-three minutes it takes for the train to get there. 

not exactly talking about anything substantial- the band he and kai’s roommate like, said roommate, kai’s major and his own work. beomgyu doesn’t mention his identity once and kai doesn’t seem to question it for a second- not when he accidentally laughs out loud, not when the other towers over him in their sitting frames, not even when his voice cracks around a word that ends up much more high-pitched than he’d initially hoped. 

kai makes him feel like he’s not pretending for an entire hour and it makes beomgyu feel like he’s fucking flying, like he’s the happiest person alive. 

they don’t smoke once, not held up by anything other than conversation that’s essentially about nothing and yet doesn’t cease for a moment, not even one minute of awkward silence. 

kai is unabashedly cute, despite his broad figure and obviously boyish appearance- hair dyed and grown out, tone of voice light and high. beomgyu wishes it came this easy to him, but over the course of the hour he feels less and less envy as said bitterness fades into unadulterated admiration. 

time flies way too quickly and soon they find themselves getting up, a mere two minutes until the train is supposed to drive up. 

beomgyu thinks this is it, so he savours the last seconds, tries to cherish them like the blessing they obviously are. 

“wait,” kai says, one minute to go. 

“do you want my insta? i’ll follow you back when i can charge my phone at home. we should hang out again! my roommate would love you.” 

beomgyu stops breathing entirely, heart shooting out of his chest. then he remembers he merely has seconds left and unlocks his phone as quickly as he ever has in his life, shoving the search bar into kai’s hand with great haste, not a second to overthink. 

“i’d love that, just text me next time you’re free.”

kai promises he will the second the train arrives, then offers beomgyu his hand for a handshake beomgyu has never done in his life before, casually turns around and waves before he disappears behind closing doors. 

beomgyu feels so alive he runs. 

beomgyu checks his profile approximately five times before he dares to stalk kai’s, going over every detail with great scrutiny. he’s never actually cared about doing that when he’s given the contact to other people before. 

then, with great anticipation, he looks for his newfound acquaintance’s profile. 

it’s unexpectedly cute. swearing, dudebro kai has a page full of cutesy pictures of himself and molang, along with a platitude of plushies the boy seems to own himself. kai, with his broad chest, stylishly dishevelled hair and dark clothes, captions every picture with an adorable emoticon. 

kai, who spoke of him like he was a guy, has his pronouns on his page. an ally, then. he’s not sure if it makes him feel better about the fact that they might become a constant in each other’s life or takes away some of the magic from the previous interactions. it makes him feel drastically ungrateful. 

he decides not to get too far into it, but can’t help himself when he finds him very recently tagged in another guy’s post. some guy who has kindly put his rather obvious he/him pronouns on his page and features the two of them in the same room kai has on his own profile. 

beomgyu wonders if it’s his roommate, then decides to put the phone away and forces himself to focus on something else. 

he’s out on his nightly walk, smoking beneath his favourite streetlamp when kai follows him back. it brings a giddy smile to his face. 

he thinks about texting the other, whether that would be pushy. he replays his own words in his head, prompting kai to text whenever he’s free. 

he wonders if that day would ever come. 

whenever something good happens, whenever beomgyu dares to feel happy- it seems the next days are always ten times worse. at times it makes him wonder if he should just always be stagnant, if being okay would be ideal in comparison to this sad cycle. 

when beomgyu’s body feels so wrong he can only spend his nights hysterical, non-lucid, disconnected from himself in a way that’s worse than terrifying- he reminisces that beautiful, magical encounter with kai seeing him for the first time in his life. 

he wishes that moment had lasted for the rest of his pitiful life. 

to his greatest surprise, he doesn’t have to wait long for kai to text him at all. a few days, then the same friday he gets a text. 

kai

hey beomgyu !! 

remember me? it’s kai (っ＾▿＾)

how terribly cute. he’s about to respond when another message fills his inbox. 

kai 

would you like to come over to our place this saturday? me and my friends are having a little party 

they said it’ll be sad if it’s only the four of us, so i’ll actually be a hero if you join ^-^

beomgyu can’t imagine anything worse, actually. meeting kai, absolutely. even his roommate he’d be okay with, but three entirely new people and a boy he’s met maybe once before? it sounds horrifying. 

if kai still doesn’t get it by the time they meet again, surely one of the others will. and then he’ll have no one again, just like that. 

but then again… 

beomgyu wonders, for a crazed, wild second, if social convention would make people blind. like maybe if kai just makes them believe he actually is a guy enough, the others will kinda just accept it as fact without much question. 

the fantasy urges. a world where four actual people in real life think he’s really a boy. 

he thrums his fingers against his own phone for a few seconds. 

he’s been so miserable those last few days, could it really get any worse? and furthermore, isn’t he young and supposed to be stupid? 

beomgyu says yes way too easily. 

it’s simple to agree in the comfort of his own room, over text, when he doesn’t actually have to say anything out loud. 

it’s an entirely different thing to actually go out and approach the unknown location, following his phone’s guidance faithfully. kai had texted him a time and place before their conversation dissolved into them sending each other memes whenever they come across one the other might like, or at least that’s how beomgyu’s been doing it after kai’s initial one. 

he feels himself floating through the entire train ride and it’s not necessarily the good kind, a little blurry and shaky around the edges. but now he’s already left the house after spending an embarrassing amount of time getting himself ready, countless minutes spent studying his own reflection ad nauseam. he won’t back out now. 

he’s brought a bottle of alcohol and some gummies, either or both of which he can easily hide in his backpack depending on what kind of party it is. he’s not sure, so he just prepared for both events. at least he thinks his outfit is cool, appropriate for when he wants to impress people. he remembers kai looking dark and rough when they met, cool, so he doesn’t think he’s entirely off target- audience-wise, at least. 

he’s not sure how he’ll do with meeting four people, but at least kai offered to pick him up at a bus station- something he’s so incredibly grateful for he’s not sure there are words that could describe it. he’s praying and begging in his mind that kai and him will be alone for that short period of time. 

kai is already waiting when he gets there, mint hair still falling in grown out strands. he looks cool too, though much more casual than him. his entire face lights up when he spots beomgyu and it makes things feel horribly easy again, all at once. 

“beomgyu,” he greets with that casual air that beomgyu just realised he’s missed terribly, enthusiastic and bright, “cool fit!”

all overthinking had been worth it, then. he doesn’t seem confused, or any different than he had the first time they met. maybe, he dares hope, kai still thinks of him the same way. 

he smiles, tries for casual, “thanks!” 

and then they’re off on their way, no fuss about it. 

kai explains his plans on the way over and beomgyu wonders if the other might just be an actual, real life angel. apparently, he didn’t want to spring three entirely new people onto him so quickly, so for now he’s just going to introduce beomgyu to his roommate. then he’ll meet up with another friend and buy all the ‘supplies’ for the party, as he put it, before introducing him. the last one is always late, kai tells him. 

beomgyu has never felt so understood in his entire life. 

kai tells him exactly three things about his roommate before they unlock the front door and he steps inside their place to meet him. 

his name is taehyun. he really likes nicknames. never call him hyun-ah. 

even if you two use those honorifics, he tells him when beomgyu tries to clarify if it’s the informal honorific itself, never that iteration. 

he doesn’t question it that much. it’s a little weird to be the only thing the other wants to mention about his roommate, first and foremost, but hey- who is he to judge? he’ll keep it in mind and hope he can figure out the important things like.. hobbies and interests over time. 

taehyun greets them from the living room where he’s apparently been listening to music, then gets up before they can reach him. beomgyu feels incredibly awkward, held breath and every movement entirely controlled. 

“hey! beomgyu, right? i’m taehyun.” 

he doesn’t even have to introduce himself. there’s nothing for him to say. nothing to clarify.

he bows back and thinks this might be a good thing, after all. 

kai asks if he wants to play a video game and he agrees, though taehyun quickly declines despite staying close to them. 

beomgyu absolutely obliterates kai. that might be an over-exaggeration, but he definitely ends up winning a lot more than the other, and it does something very nice to him. like a sense of accomplishment, even when he’s not sure if he’s actually good or kai is just bad. 

he tells him that taehyun doesn’t like video games and he’s incredibly excited about getting to play with someone for once, which makes him smile uncontrollably for the following minutes. 

taehyun and him bond over mutual music taste and bands they like, and it feels easy despite the fact that his heart soars every time either of them call him beomgyu and if he thought kai was cute and easy to like, he was not ready to meet taehyun- much more extroverted and equally cute. 

it comes easy to both of them. unabashed. they don’t seem to think over their actions the way he does, every movement of his limbs calculated and precise. terrified. 

he’s envious of them in a way that both hurts and inspires him. it comes so easy. he wishes it was like that for him. 

kai leaves too quickly. it’s only when he checks the time that he realises it actually had just flown by in a way that’s unfamiliar to him. 

“wanna go to my room until they’re back? it’s gonna take a while.” 

it feels vulnerable, but he’s well-acclimated to taehyun now, almost comfortable- so he doesn’t hesitate to agree. 

beomgyu wonders if taehyun wanted him to see. wanted him to know. or if it was something deeper, something he’s not smart enough to decipher. but things change the second they step foot into taehyun’s room. 

beomgyu gets tunnel vision. there’s posters of artists he loves that he’d want to point out, a tidy desk, plushies he assumes to be kai’s scattered around the bed. so much to uncover. 

he can only fixate on the huge trans flag proudly displayed above his bed. can’t look away, can’t move, feels like he can’t breathe. 

it’s so obvious, doesn’t seem like taehyun’s type at all, he wonders if one of his friends is trans, if it’s a sign of allyship, an inside joke he doesn’t get- but not for a second does he dare entertain the idea that-

“yeah, my parents gifted it to me. kind of a little over the top, isn’t it? but it feels rude not to put it up.” 

now, beomgyu might be slow. he might be miserable and a little dense, oftentimes disconnected. but he’s not too stupid to understand what taehyun is telling him right now. 

his mind flashes back to that simple he/him in taehyun’s profile and it gets harder to breathe by the minute. 

“oh,” he says dumbly, “i didn’t-” know? seriously beomgyu? that’s like one of the most offensive things someone could say. be better. he should literally know better. if someone said that to him, he’d have literally no idea how to respond. 

he tries again. 

“it’s cool that they gave it to you,” it is. beomgyu would kill for that to happen to him, “even if it doesn’t fit the aesthetic too well.” 

that was cool. or maybe offensive. seriously, how a trans guy can manage to be offensive towards another trans guy- beomgyu has no idea. 

thankfully, like a divine gift, taehyun only chuckles. 

“don’t make it weird now.”

so he doesn’t. he sits down and starts talking about the artists they seem to also have in common. 

taehyun goes along with it gladly, only interrupting the topic to ask if they should start drinking early while they wait for the others to arrive. he sighs in relief, agrees and silently celebrates having brought the right thing. 

“it’s the last bottle, so i’m hoping kai brings another one.” 

the same one he also brought, but that’s alright- maybe better since both of them like it. 

things get a little easier a few shots in. he learns taehyun has quite a high alcohol tolerance and is glad to relate- having his own build up over years of desperately coping. 

“taehyun can i ask you something?”

“yes, i’m trans, don’t be dense.”

beomgyu gapes. taehyun is joking, but he’s saying it so… so easily. not a single hint of shame in his voice. unabashedly himself. it makes beomgyu feel like screaming. he gets over himself. 

“i know, i got that far all on my own, thank you very much.” 

taehyun giggles. it’s high and still sounds boyish. beomgyu isn’t sure he wants to praise it or cry. 

“okay, sorry then, you just seemed so baffled.” 

“you pass well.” he says, then immediately regrets it. 

taehyun beams in response though, so maybe it wasn’t a bad thing to say after all. 

“what did you want to ask?” 

but the courage to say it is gone, so he hesitates for a moment, almost doesn’t say it. 

“you seriously don’t have to respond, we met like three hours ago, but… kai told me…” 

taehyun is visibly confused. it makes sense, considering it probably sounds like the other outed him. or at least that’s what beomgyu assumes. 

“there’s a nickname you don’t want to be called. i just wanted to know if there’s a reason.”

the other’s face softens again, no longer confused. taehyun is hard to read to him, expressions still unknown, but it doesn’t seem negative. 

“ah, yeah. just too close to my deadname, is all.” 

suddenly, beomgyu remembers being envious about how easy things were for people like kai and taehyun, when that hadn’t been true at all and he gets a little embarrassed for assuming. he’d feel quite bad about it, he thinks, if only taehyun didn’t seem so lovely. unfazed by what he is, content with it. he still feels leagues apart, unfairly jealous. 

“makes sense,” he responds simply, trying for an encouraging smile. he tries for comfort, but he’s not sure how well it’s conveyed. 

there’s a second of silence, not uncomfortable in nature but gruelling to him, loudly filled with his overthinking. but, if not now, he’ll miss his only chance and whenever he brings it up it’ll be nothing but awkward. 

“well, uhm… you know,” he starts, voice shaking and not at all as he’d intended for it to come out, too high, embarrassing. taehyun looks at him so patiently it almost makes it worse. 

“i’m also.. uhm…” automatically, his eyes fly towards the flag, the striped pattern, and longs to be as confident as the other, as casual about it. 

“okay,” he says, not forcing beomgyu to say it out loud, clearly getting it. he feels on the very edge of his seat, like whatever taehyun might say in response could entirely break him. 

he only smiles at him, something gentle, painfully understanding. 

something tells him he might’ve known all along and he’s not sure if he feels relieved or nauseated at the prospect.

“want a hug?” 

and despite being freshly and well-taped, just half an hour ago he might have declined. if kai had offered, he would’ve hesitated. but now, there’s not an ounce of overthinking when he meets the offer with a nod and the most grateful smile he’s ever mustered up before. 

taehyun smells lovely. he feels firm everywhere and beomgyu wonders how much the other must work out, if maybe it isn’t all as easy as beomgyu assumed it is for him, and feels like they’re kindred-spirits. 

the first trans person he’s ever met like this, not just briefly and fleetingly, but someone he might befriend, he’ll spend an entire evening with. someone who hasn’t asked for clarification even once, someone who just knows and gets it. 

the hug lasts a little too long, something mutual, then they part and beomgyu doesn’t think he’s alone in feeling they’re more connected now in an irrevocable way. 

they go back to talking about music and drinking until the front door opens. 

kai arrives with someone who manages to be even taller than him and to say he’s nervous would probably be an understatement. he’s not quite tipsy enough to be over that. 

then the giant smiles and there are dimples everywhere and he lifts a shy hand to wave as he says, “hi, i’m soobin!” 

nothing to be afraid of at all. 

he gets the same little rush of introducing himself again, but it seems clear that kai has already mentioned him to all the others because it doesn’t appear to be news to the boy at all. 

they sit down and play the same game once more, this time along with soobin and much more drinking than before. 

turns out kai truly did forget to bring taehyun’s favourite alcohol, which makes it seem almost serendipitous for him when he gets to rummage his backpack and pull out another one as if he had been informed ahead of time. things have been going so smoothly so far, he’d wonder where things would inevitably go wrong if only he wasn’t having so much fun. 

soobin and him get along a little too well too easily. no bonding over music taste or gender identities required, they just easily hit it off and he couldn’t hide his excitement about it if he wanted to. 

by the time kai gets up to open the door for a new person one last time, beomgyu has no problem being left alone with soobin on the same couch, leaning over when the other takes that opportunity to show him something on his phone. 

“now that we’re all here we should probably, like, do a quickfire introduction session or something.” 

it’s taehyun’s suggestion, but beomgyu can barely register it over taking in the new arrival. 

there’s something incredibly androgynous about them, dyed hair more frizzy than kai’s and extremely well-dressed. like someone who gets out of bed in the morning to style their hair, do their make-up and meticulously pick out an outfit just to go for some groceries. he wishes he’d stalked kai’s instagram more thoroughly so he’d know this person’s pronouns without needing to ask like an idiot. 

thankfully, it’s the newcomer who introduces themself first, no hesitation about it. 

“hi! i’m yeonjun or jun, i use they/he pronouns and i’m pansexual. also, i study dance.” 

yeonjun looked incredibly intimidating, walking in exuding so much confidence, face set in stone, but the moment he started talking his eyes crinkled and suddenly they seem like the sweetest person he’s ever known. he’s so awestruck, incredibly awestruck, and thinks that yeonjun is the coolest person to exist, period. 

he considers, for the first time, that queer people truly do seem to find each other and stick together, and suddenly he really wonders what the others might have to say. 

“well, you know me,” kai says, “i’m also pan, by the way.” 

and for no reason at all, entirely uncalled for, beomgyu suddenly becomes extremely aware of himself, his heart rate picking up- though it’s only logical in a group of friends like this. and he’s glad soobin speaks up before he can overthink even a second longer. 

“soobin and he/him and i’m gay,”

“well that’s hardly a surprise,” yeonjun says teasingly and beomgyu laughs along with all of them despite himself. he really wouldn’t have assumed, but now that he knows he feels a strange sense of comfort. 

taehyun looks at him with mild amusement, raises an eyebrow as he speaks, “also gay, trans as you know, i study music with kai.” 

beomgyu knows it’s his turn. it’s not that he feels unsteady, now that he knows them all, and it’s not like he’s never met queer people before, but it feels incredibly fragile. he really, really doesn’t want to mess this up at all. he wants them to like him, to get along with them, to see them once again and then once more. 

“well i work at a bookstore, i’m bi and also trans.”

the one thing he was fretting about happens and it comes in the form of kai whipping his head around and staring at him with wide eyes. he seems shocked, nothing less, and beomgyu feels his heart sinking so quickly that it makes him want to die. this is the moment, isn’t it? the one thing he was so afraid of. 

he’s pretending and now kai knows it and the illusion is gone. 

“i’ve been misgendering you this whole time and you didn’t tell me? i’m genuinely so, so sorry!” 

kai seems on the verge of tears, actually, but the words don’t make sense to him at all. kai? misgendering him? hasn’t it been the exact opposite, with kai being the first person who’s ever gotten it right, ever made him feel like himself? it truly doesn’t click in his head until taehyun speaks up next to him, totally deadpan. 

“hyuka… he’s a trans guy.” 

if shame could be quantified, he feels this would be the highest form of it. actually, he feels himself getting ashamed just watching kai react to the words, ears read and face entirely blank. 

“oh,” kai says eloquently, “this is the worst moment of my life.” 

beomgyu can’t help bursting out laughing, conveniently overshadowed by three other people doing it along with him, and suddenly he feels higher than he’s ever been in his fucking life. kai goes on to explain he has masculine features, but that only serves to make it much worse. there are no words to being mistaken like that. he’s pretty sure if kai had thought about it for a moment he would’ve gotten it himself, reminds himself that kai has been drinking, but the sheer fact that it had happened serves to make beomgyu feel more alive than ever before. he feels his body pulsating with how hard his heart is thrumming. he feels as safe as he’s ever been. he feels like, just maybe, if he has these people in his life, he could be heart-achingly and overwhelmingly okay.

yeonjun is a delight. they bring out the most silly and shameless version of him, bouncing jokes off each other incredibly easily, like they’d done it for years. he likes yeonjun and wants to get to know him. he wants to see them dance, know about their passions and interests and gets overwhelmed by every new piece of information he finds. yeonjun is cool, confident, stunning, but they’re also the most uncool person he knows- unfunny dad jokes, clumsy, love for bad rom-coms and all. 

he likes soobin too, who took the opportunity to get over the awkward moment by mentioning that he’s also studying dance, though he switched majors recently after finding that literature wasn’t exactly what he was looking for after all. soobin is so easy, voice calm and jokes unexpected- even more so when they seem to have such a similar sense of humour. he could see himself just spending a day with soobin and it not getting the slightest bit weird for a second. 

so he’s quite disappointed when the both of them say their goodbyes around half past twelve in the morning, still so early for his standards, declaring their need to sleep. his disappointment is quelled by the both of them assuring him they should meet up again, so maybe he didn’t do anything wrong after all. 

when the door is closed and it’s only the three of them left, beomgyu feels like social convention has bested him. and then kai speaks up before he can. 

“are you gonna leave soon, too? or do you wanna sleep over?” 

beomgyu had considered the possibility, but he still feels light-headed being asked. 

“would that be alright with both of you?” 

taehyun is quick to inform him that he’s a rather late sleeper too and would be glad to have him over, which kai only seconds, so beomgyu takes that opportunity to go wash up and get changed in the bathroom. 

he emerges in casual clothes and tries not to overthink it too much, joins them when he notices they’ve left the couch to instead gather closely on the carpeted floor. 

they continue to talk without delay, even getting taehyun to join their game for a few short rounds of him being reasonably decent. they continue to drink until beomgyu is pleasantly tipsy and begins to relax, not quite worrying so much if the placement of his feet is gonna make them see him for what he actually is. 

he offers them the gummies he brought, to kai’s great and taehyun’s moderate enthusiasm, which he considers a win when the both of them smile at him incredibly brightly. 

it’s late and he’s glad he doesn’t have to be the one to bring it up when kai gets up to get something to smoke. 

“can’t do cigs in here, but we can share my vape if you want?” 

beomgyu hasn’t had one of those in ages, but he’s not one to turn down the offer, so he easily takes the device from kai’s hand and inhales something that tastes pleasantly of berries. it doesn’t feel so heavy on his lung and tastes leagues better, so he hums as he passes it back. 

“oh, you smoke?” taehyun asks conversationally. 

“yeah, i do.” 

there is no further information he’s been asked to give, but he’s unhinged enough not to be embarrassed about more unnecessary details. 

“i have occasionally for a while but more so recently. and i fucking love shotgunning, i do it every year at pride with, like, everyone who’s willing.” 

he’s giggling when they both agree with reverberations, something he feels a little giddy about sharing with them and suddenly there’s a very vivid image in his head he banishes a mere second later, buries to hopefully not resurface. he stops laughing at once. 

they don’t seem to share his thought process.

“once a year is criminal though,” kai offers. 

“yeah. we’d do it with you, if you want.” 

beomgyu goes entire body pause, full world stop. 

he waits for one of them to laugh, but they’re only smiling casually. like they didn’t just offer to inhale a drug into his throat, the single gayest thing he could imagine doing. 

he smiles back. 

“what, right now?” 

“sure, i’m down.” 

they agree so lightly. beomgyu’s world is spinning, entirely non-alcohol related. 

he’s not sure when or how he gets from there to leaning incredibly close to taehyun once more, eye-contact much heavier than he expected and vape now in the other boy’s hand. it should feel light and platonic, but somehow nothing feels casual to him about taehyun inhaling the smoke right in front of him. 

it feels even less platonic when he leans closer without exhaling and there’s a one second period in the in-between where he considers shifting away and laughing everything off like a good joke. then their mouths meet gently, a barely-there pressure that has beomgyu seeing lights and stuff, his entire world turning once more. he barely registers the smoke filling his mouth at all, breathless and light-headed and entirely confused about the way his stomach stirs and his chest feels full. 

the moment is over soon and he tries to appear normal when he leans back to inhale, like he’s not about to burst from the seams of his flesh, keeping the eye-contact that the other is extending him. 

he remembers about kai when he exhales, leaning back farther to not blow smoke directly into taehyun’s face. kai’s expression is unreadable, smile vanished from his face. 

“again?” kai asks, and beomgyu barely thinks it’s a question. 

he’s broader up close, is the first thing he notices, especially in comparison to him, and what should make him feel horrible is somehow only appealing to his clouded brain. for a dreadful second, he thinks taehyun is going to hand him the vape- make him the instigator. not something he’s sure he would’ve been able to pull off, honestly, but then kai takes it before he can and somehow the relief that fact brings barely lasts a second. beomgyu isn’t sure why he’s suddenly twice as nervous as he was with taehyun. he feels like his heart might beat out of his chest entirely, nothing to stop it from crawling up his throat. he’s so lightheaded. 

kai barely leaves him a few seconds to miserably overthink, not hesitating before beomgyu can see the little light at the bottom of the disposable flare up, that familiar sound filling his ears. 

it’s only when kai leans forward and stops a second before exhaling against beomgyu’s mouth, that he realises he’s never kissed a boy before this very evening and that now kai is technically his second.

kai. unashamedly cute and uncaring, lovely, big, boyish kai- who is so much more of a man than beomgyu could ever dream to be. and just before he can twist that fact into something ugly in his mind, it provides- kai, who thinks of beomgyu as a boy. and suddenly his head is spinning so hard he has to hold onto kai’s upper arm so he doesn’t fall over and entirely embarrass himself. 

it doesn’t last more than a handful of seconds, and beomgyu is with it enough to remove his arm as quickly as it came when he pulls back to inhale as steadily as he can manage- because he doesn’t think he could survive the shame of coughing now, right into either of their faces. 

kai smiles at him so brightly it’s endearing enough for his heart to clench with it and beomgyu wonders when he will just step back to question his own thoughts. 

it would’ve been weird for that to have happened at all. if they’d just gone back to talking and then to sleep after a while, it probably would’ve felt weird as he was trying to fall asleep, just as fruitlessly as all other nights. 

however, that’s not what happens at all. 

they do fall back into conversation like nothing happened and even play another round before the vape gets picked up again, but after taking a hit for himself, when taehyun inhales again, he keeps the smoke in his lungs and shoots beomgyu a gesture that’s very clearly an invitation for him to refuse if he so desired. 

instead he leans in once more and receives the smoke from taehyun’s waiting mouth. 

somehow it becomes a thing, throughout the evening- shotgunning between conversation and games and all the other shenanigans they get up to. his heart rate never ceases to spike every time. at first it’s mostly with taehyun being the instigator, then both him and kai, until finally beomgyu has become so relatively used to it he doesn’t hesitate offering by himself. no comments about it, not even a funny quip or teasing remark. like it’s normal. 

and when they continue to act like it is, beomgyu doesn’t see anything prompting him not to go along. 

it’s a nice evening, despite the oddity. like something he’d do with his friends, except nothing like that at all. he feels comfortable, lets his guard down as much as he thinks possible- the company accepting and rewarding him with zero instances of hesitation or any other signs of doubt. just drinking and gaming until they eventually decide to set up a guest mattress for beomgyu and then lounge in taehyun’s bed until they grow tired enough to separate. 

it’s his favourite part- no more liquor, which they’ve certainly had enough of, no games for distraction. only them, limbs never quite apart from one another, music they rotate with picking out each playing in the background and never-ending conversation. they talk about their ambitions, the music playing, something arbitrary and something serious- intertwined like it’s one and the same, like there’s no difference between the two. like they’ve known each other for way longer than they actually have. 

and, of course, the vape. occasionally picked up by all three parties, though most often for sharing rather than self-gratification, and beomgyu wonders if he’s the only one mainly using it as an excuse. the possibility frightens him; an excuse for what? but he’s not really one to reflect when kai uses a hand against the back of his head to guide him closer, the touch sending electricity through his entire skull. 

they never do it amongst themselves, kai and taehyun, he notices. not even once. 

and beomgyu is not drunk enough to ask them why. 

he falls asleep last, he reckons, though beomgyu supposes he can’t really tell what happens behind closed doors, and then wakes up way first anyway. the second being more of a necessity- because of course he’s assigned the early shift on the one day he actually wishes he could use any excuse to stay even a little bit longer. 

he dares knocking on taehyun’s door until he gets a hum in response, then says his goodbyes without ever entering. he’s warned them about this, but is somehow frightened when he can’t read whether the expression on taehyun’s face is suppressed disappointment or indifference. 

the other greets him kindly, either way, no matter how quick. he’s already about to close the door when he remembers to ask if he should wake kai up before he goes. 

“he’d be sad if you didn’t,” is all taehyun offers in response, then beomgyu is all alone again with a simple wave of farewell. 

kai is bleary eyed, barely awake when beomgyu gets to him. an expression so disoriented beomgyu has to stop his endearment from showing too obviously, even if kai might not notice it in this state either way. 

much like taehyun, he says a few quick encouragements before his goodbyes. beomgyu is already about to shut the door and leave when he hears a tired, half-coherent voice. 

“will you come over again?” 

and suddenly beomgyu can’t stop himself from beaming. 

“whenever you want me to.” 

without getting a chance to overthink, beomgyu spends the entire day at work much more motivated than he’s ever been. 

sadly, as are all things beomgyu, the overthinking doesn’t leave him waiting for very long. 

as soon as he steps foot inside his room for good, a ball of misery curled up beneath his bedsheets, it floods him like a damn waterfall. 

he spends much less time than anticipated agonising whether he’s embarrassed himself- if anything he’d done was unlike what he wanted it to come across. instead he has a much more pressing issue at hand. 

as much as it pains him to admit it, beomgyu doesn’t think he’s been very honest with himself in regards to anything when it comes to kai. 

the last few days spent agonising over his fascination with the other, he’d justified it to himself with gratitude, maybe admiration. the more underlying truth that beomgyu had already realised but yet to admit, is that what initially drove him towards kai was pure, bitter gender envy. a desire for what he would never be, so strong and all-encompassing it hurt as much as it healed him to think about. the effort of movement, his appearance- even down to kai’s goddamn scent. 

and before he could even come clean to himself about that truth, he’s now facing an entirely different dilemma. 

beomgyu always has had problems keeping apart envy from attraction. 

even now he’s not sure whether his obsession with the previous night stems from a place of jealousy or grave, uncontrollable longing. 

it takes several more minutes of trying to explain everything away before he slumps into the mattress, entirely defeated. 

beomgyu has had a stupid, little crush on kai since the moment they’ve first exchanged any real words, all the way back in the fast food aisle. 

and now he’s spent an entire evening basically making out with him- no matter the fancy terms or excuses he employed to make it seem like anything else. hell, he’s pretty sure there were many times there was barely even smoke involved when kai moved in to kiss him again after exhaling. 

and like that revelation isn’t crushing enough, there’s now a second person thrown into the mix- entirely unexpected. taehyun, who’s just like him and somehow also an unachievable goal, unabashedly proud of what he is, with an accepting environment and an attitude of utter contentment. taehyun, who’s fun and makes him feel understood and is beautiful and who he also fucking made out with all evening- 

not like he’s known kai for that much longer, but literally on the same day they met too, who even is beomgyu anymore? someone who makes out with people he doesn’t know at parties? 

more pathetically, the more he thinks about it; someone who crushes on people he’s met merely hours ago on the same evening. but then again, really, what’s there not to like about taehyun?

and that’s just exactly the problem, isn’t it. 

beomgyu spends the rest of the day with an uneasy feeling weighing him down, unable to get up again for a single moment, and spending most of the evening researching polyamory. 

kai and him continue to send each other memes throughout the day, but to his utter surprise, it’s not him who next actually reaches out to him. 

taehyun

hi beomgyu, it’s me taehyun

kai is out for today and i wanted to ask if you’d like to come over and hang out?

he stares at the message for a good five minutes before he responds, not even a single moment of hesitation. 

beomgyu

sure

what time? 

it’s not awkward for a moment, even when he gets there. taehyun greets him easily and they spend quite some time in the living room, just talking about work and school and getting to know each other a bit more before he invites him to his room. 

it’s still exactly as it was when he last saw it, cosy and so very taehyun. somehow, it makes him sentimental and he scolds himself for getting emotional about nothing. 

“did you always like music this much?” 

he’s not quite sure where he summoned the courage to ask something that could for all he knows be incredibly personal information, but to his relief taehyun only hums in contemplation for a moment. 

“i mean, i always loved music, but i don’t think i would’ve ever seen myself… pursuing it.”

they lock eyes and his throat clogs up when taehyun smiles his shiest smile. 

“the reason i first got, like, really into it was kai.”

and he sees right there something he’s not sure he’s imagining due to his own delusions, projection onto him for, or even making up entirely but-

beomgyu could’ve sworn he saw unbridled affection- something tender and kind. 

for just one moment, he’s sure taehyun looks like a man in love. 

in response he asks the other if he’d like to play a drinking game.

it’s when taehyun starts giggling uncontrollably that beomgyu realises something is different. when he leans back and closes his eyes for a moment, he feels pleasantly on the verge of tipsy and drunk, and yet taehyun with his definitely higher alcohol tolerance seems to have passed the threshold easily. 

“how come you’re so drunk?” 

it comes out of nowhere, but the other only hums. 

“yeah i guess i kinda…,” he trails off for a moment to presumably contemplate, “forgot i haven’t eaten before we started drinking.” 

beomgyu can’t stop the disapproving noise he makes in return. 

“well that’s not good.” 

“it isn’t,” taehyun agrees but makes no further effort to offer a solution. 

“we should eat something, then.” 

“oh yeah, i’m really craving fast food!” 

it’s adorable how easily excitable he is, and through the cloud of beomgyu’s brain he almost forgets what the topic at hand even was. his first instinct is to offer ordering something in, but the spaced out look on the boy’s face makes him reconsider.

“is there anywhere near here you wanna go?” 

taehyun snaps out of his haze to mention an american franchise a few streets down, which results in him talking about how big corporations are unethical and shouldn’t be supported morally but how their accessibility makes them hard to avoid- a tangent that goes on for a little too long between hics of speech. he tries his hardest not to join in by playing his core mission in his head over and over like a mantra. 

“maybe korean, then?” 

it’s surprisingly quick once they decide to leave the house, the cool air making him feel a little more clear headed after feeling his entire world spin while moving from their initial positions. taehyun is surprisingly unsteady and he doesn’t think it over for a second when he grabs the other’s hand as a form of support. the other grabs on a little too tightly, but leads the way with enough certainty beomgyu doesn’t feel like he needs to consult google maps. 

undeterred, taehyun chatters on about food cravings and how weird it is for him to forget to eat and the fact that he apparently doesn’t really get drunk very often. beomgyu very much believes that last part. 

he’s very used to sobering up after eating when tipsy, but taehyun doesn’t seem to share the sentiment too much. or he really is just that drunk. it makes him feel like he’s leaving taehyun hanging, in a weird sort of way, so he orders himself something alcoholic to drink before they leave. he lets taehyun persuade him into giving the younger boy a few small sips by pouting, despite everything in him screaming that it’s a bad idea and then refuses to reflect on the fact that he’s a weak man to instead blame the alcohol for it. he ends the little detour being very proud of himself for still mastering the social interaction of paying and keeping taehyun at bay through the whole process until they leave. 

he’s suddenly hit with the realisation that the world is, once again, spinning a little. 

it’s taehyun holding onto his hand that time, seemingly genuinely for physical stability, and beomgyu doesn’t let it go again. for support and nothing else, clearly, and definitely not that fact that the other’s hand is incredibly nice to hold and fits with his in a way that brings him great comfort. 

“how are you feeling?” 

“hmm… less drunk,” the response is interrupted by a hiccup, so beomgyu can only grin in response. 

“let’s take a walk around the streets before going back?” 

and despite insisting he’s barely tipsy, just for good measure, taehyun agrees. 

instead of taehyun rambling on about anything and nothing, this time it’s the both of them doing it at the other- one will make a point that will spawn a random anecdote from the other and so on. it takes a solid ten minutes before they start holding a somewhat normal conversation. beomgyu will not remember what they were talking about the next day, just as prioritising memories always works. 

from then on, though, it’s hyper awareness. 

taehyun trips on absolutely nothing, stabilising himself quickly. beomgyu laughs, something he hopes doesn’t come off as condescending when it’s really just endearment, but taehyun doesn’t seem to mind. 

“oh!” it’s overly excited for the context, “there’s a bench over there!” 

the sun has long set and, in this part of town, it seems they are entirely alone. a few stray people minding their business, but largely no one. he doesn’t have it in him to check the time. 

he agrees to sit down easily, because why not and also the other seems to kind of need it. 

taehyun sits down first, immediately tucks his legs under his body and sighs dreamily before tilting his head up to direct his gaze back to beomgyu. 

“eureka!” 

it comes so out of nowhere that he can’t stop giggling. 

“what?” 

“it’s like… something you say when you’re very happy or satisfied! cry of relief or something.”

the smile on his face seems inevitable at this point. 

“you’re so drunk.” 

it’s an observation, and this time taehyun only hums his agreement while beomgyu sits down directly next to him, heads tilted towards each other. 

suddenly, the loopy smile on the boy’s face is gone. 

“you’re really so beautiful.” 

his breath halts and he forces himself to hold it for a second before laughing in response, not sure what to say back. it doesn’t seem to deter the other. 

“can i kiss you?” 

beomgyu can’t fathom saying no and he’s too tipsy to panic about it. 

“you’ve done that before.” 

“yes,” he agrees easily, “but i mean like…” 

there’s a certain excitement about the way he speaks. nothing concerned about it, yet a slight hurry to all of his words. like there’s so much happening in his brain and articulating all of it feels nice. 

“without any of the excuses. just like that.” 

it’s what gets his brain whirring back to life. the word excuses in this context, something he was so eager to tell himself off for assuming. not enough for him to question why or overthink the implications- more like a soft reboot without any of the time to actually process anything beyond face value. 

“yes. yes, you can.” 

the last thing he knows is taehyun’s smile before their lips meet. soft and uncoordinated; electric. for the moment, it seems like magic to him, and his heartbeat is the everoccurring spell. 

he’s not sure how long it lasts, only that taehyun looks considerably more out of it afterwards- maybe not entirely alcohol-related and it makes his stomach drop sharply. 

they link fingers from where they sit, linger in comfortable silence for a few moments and for the moment beomgyu is just happy to be there- nothing going on in his head except for how nice it is to sit close to the other. 

“beomgyu, do you think of me as a boy?” 

the question then comes so out of left field his head literally whips around to face the other. 

“of course. taehyun, you’re literally everything i’d ever hope to be.” 

taehyun hums and for a moment he seems to only think. perhaps contemplating the words, but beomgyu suddenly has no idea what goes on in the other’s mind at all. 

“yeah, but,” he licks his lips almost like he needs a moment to regain himself, “i don’t mean, like, as a transition goal. i mean, as me? am i a boy to you?” 

the implications dawn on him very abruptly. the way he phrased himself, what thought process the other must be going through. how devastated he is about what taehyun has revealed of himself over liquor courage and a little bit of emotional vulnerability. and he can’t help squeezing his hand before responding with the utmost sincerity he can muster. 

“yes, i do. you are.” 

taehyun seems relieved, but not convinced enough for him to be satisfied. instead, he instinctively brings his unoccupied hand to the other’s waist. emboldened by the alcohol, maybe, or just set in his adamance. 

“you’re a boy to me.” and despite his adversity to it, he tries his hardest to maintain eye-contact, hoping that windows of the soul do exist. wishing he could convey his honesty by embodying it and give that to taehyun. 

he tries for a lighter tone and smiles easily, “you’re my favourite boy.” 

that does get him to smile back, giggling and bright again. he’s not sure, but he dearly hopes it was enough. the shift in atmosphere seems to imply so. 

“don’t lie to me!” he’s delivering it like a joke and beomgyu is about to protest when taehyun continues, “your favourite is kai.” 

the mention of the other boy throws him for another loop, this one completely unexpected. 

“no taehyun,” he says seriously, “you can both be.” 

there’s no trace of disagreement on the other’s face. 

“i’ll take that.” 

he’s still trying to grasp the inclusion of kai in their current discussion, the way taehyun speaks of him, even the way he just uttered the very name. 

he’s still brave enough not to hesitate. 

“are you in love with kai, taehyun?”

he doesn’t seem taken aback in the slightest, still giggling,

“yes of course. we’re dating, so i’d hope so.” 

somehow, the first thing beomgyu’s mind registers is that he just kissed a taken man. it’s a quiet realisation from there. it makes a painful amount of sense, then. everything does, from the simple questions to weird things he noticed off-hand. and he’s not even surprised enough to be bitter about it, or anything. they make an uncanny amount of sense together. 

“but we just kissed.” 

“kai also-” the sentence is dropped just as quickly as taehyun started it, eyes blown wide like he was about to say something he shouldn’t have and barely stopped himself. 

“i shouldn’t- kai should be the one to tell you that. but i promise he doesn’t mind, we’ve talked about it.” 

he simply nods, trying to downplay his overbearing intrigue by how relieved hearing the last sentence made him. his solemn heartbreak.

they decide to head back when taehyun shivers and they notice it’s getting pretty cold. the way back is filled with chatter again, like nothing had happened at all and they honour their arrival by each taking a shot as soon as they’re back in the living room. 

to be fair, they do end up just listening to music for a while. so long, that he almost forgets to think about everything that happened on that bench out there. 

until taehyun speaks up again. 

“do you want to date me?” 

he almost laughs until he sees the serious expression on the boy‘s face. then the mere prospect makes him feel like he‘s hallucinating. 

“you‘re drunk taehyun.“

he shakes his head like beomgyu isn‘t following along at all- which to be fair he really is not. 

“kai wants to date you,” taehyun says, like it’s a normal thing. like something to start an explanation with and not something that would require an indescribable amount of that in itself, “and i said that’s okay with me, but i don’t want that now.” 

beomgyu truly isn’t following in the slightest. his mind feels too blank to even be confused- no giddy excitement or dread or disappointment. 

“i want to date you too. i want to be with you so much, i like you a lot.” 

and it’s then that the realisation settles in. only because he’s still tipsy, despite feeling much more sober, that they both like him. for whatever strange reason. or at least taehyun seems to think so right now.

“and what if i only wanted kai?” 

taehyun doesn’t hesitate, gaze heavy, lingering, never leaving his own and beomgyu is too captivated to look away. 

“then i’d want you two to be happy together.” 

and it sounds so genuine, is the thing. earnest, sincere, vulnerable. and beomgyu isn’t sure he believes the other will still think this way once the alcohol has subsided, but it’s clear that he does right then. that taehyun means it, deeply, and is presenting himself to beomgyu despite all that fear- putting himself, fragile as is, into his unsteady hands. and beomgyu has no idea what to do with that, with the piece of himself that taehyun has just given to him. with the knowledge that, just for now, for this moment, his confusing attractions are not one-sided, and taehyun, too, wants to know beomgyu more. to be with beomgyu. 

“do you want me too?” it’s a simple question, but nothing seems easy about the way taehyun is asking. composed, straight-forward kang taehyun, who would probably take the rejection in stride even entirely under the influence, who would think that it was worth a shot anyway. 

“of course i do.” 

it feels bad as it leaves his mouth. reminds him of the certainty with which he told taehyun he thinks of him as a boy- too blatant, like the other’s concerns weren’t valid. 

“taehyun,” and he grabs the boy’s hand in emphasis, “yes. i want you.” 

that one feels better. much better, conveyed more clearly, when his opposite’s eyes sparkle with hope and something that looks dangerous, a sort of satisfaction that is incredibly evident. 

“but we should talk about this in the morning, i think.” 

taehyun nods, “we can!” and now it’s his turn to grab beomgyu’s hand. 

“but i’ll still want you tomorrow. because i like you no matter how i am, what sort of state i’m in.” 

and it makes beomgyu smile. the way he says it, so silly, so serious. god, beomgyu feels like he just had an entire round of shots just from taking him in. so drunk off of him. like nothing matters, like a dream with no consequences. 

“kai knows you like me? that you want to date me?” 

he nods, easily, like they actually did talk about this despite the fact that beomgyu is very much doubting the fact still. 

“okay. let’s date then.” 

maybe he would’ve played it off as a joke if taehyun hadn’t grabbed him by the collar right after and kissed him as happily as he did, but beomgyu truly is smitten, isn’t he? 

against his better judgement, beomgyu left that night, still tipsy, to go back home- just because that was what they’d agreed on, leaving beomgyu to sleep until noon and then wake up disoriented, wondering how much of last night had actually happened and how much he had dreamed up- but if he’d slept over, it no doubt would have been awkward. he wonders if he would have shared a bed with taehyun or gone to sleep on the couch, no doubt not lucid enough to actually set up a spare bed in those early hours of morning. 

beomgyu would like to make himself think that none of their conversations had actually been real, or at least none of what happened after they returned back to that living room, the confessions and raw confusion- but the night air and walk on his way home had certainly been enough to sober him up considerably, thoughts becoming more clear and hands increasingly shaky. though the details feel fuzzy and he can’t for the life of him recall most of their mindless chatter, the jarring conversations are crystal clear in his mind and too vivid to pass up as imagination. he spends a considerable amount of time wondering whether taehyun would remember any of it, would be successful in pretending none of it was real. 

then he grabs his phone off his nightstand and immediately puts it back down. 

when he finally gets the courage to pick it back up after performing a few make-shift breathing exercises he can vaguely remember, he faces the reality of the situation head on. 

a multitude of notifications are littered across his lock screen, from both kai and taehyun- and somehow less distressingly, his boss. he decides to force himself to read that one first, stall for just a little bit more time. unsurprisingly but no less annoying, he’s been asked to come into work for the day, a disruption to his schedule but none that would be as undesirable if only it had been any other day and his head wasn’t still spinning mutedly. not quite a hangover, but something close to it. 

not having much of a choice, he accepts the new shift with a simple affirmation, then forces himself to actually see to the more pressing issue at hand. 

taehyun

beomgyu

i’m sorry 

are you okay? 

taehyun 

can we talk today? it’s not quite morning anymore but

yk 

the acknowledgement of the simple agreement makes him feel weightless. taehyun doesn’t seem to merely vaguely recall the events- he seems to remember everything, down to the wording of conversations. 

for a second, it makes beomgyu wonder whether taehyun had even been as drunk as he’d believed him to be. it terrifies him. 

kai

so 

i hear you’re my boyfriend’s boyfriend now 

no emoticons, no further messages. beomgyu has no idea what to make of this text at all, what sort of tone he was supposed to read it with. what any of it meant. 

it’s the word that makes him still for a significant amount of time. 

boyfriend. 

is he taehyun’s boyfriend? would he be taehyun’s boyfriend? 

beomgyu. a boyfriend? 

the mere concept makes him feel out of breath. beomgyu has no idea how to be a boyfriend, what it means, wasn’t mentalised for any of this- had barely let himself think about the possibility of dating them, hypothetically, like a thing of fantasy. 

and now kai is calling him taehyun’s supposed boyfriend and he can barely tell if the message is supposed to be threatening, sympathetic amusement or simply a joke. 

he realises he really doesn’t know kai at all, or either of them actually, only a vague sense of admiration, basic knowledge and his little nonsensical daydreams. 

overthinking isn’t going to make any progress in this situation. 

he decides to text taehyun a non-committal relaying of his work times for the day, a shift that will begin in a bit and end at ten, a time he’s rather sure will be too late for him to be okay with having this conversation today. buying himself some time. 

he hesitates about what to say to kai, then settles on a simple “i’m sorry” and hopes it will be the right thing to say. 

he has no clue where he’s going from there, but instead of worrying on his phone and refreshing the page maniacally until something shows up, he instead decides to get out of bed and get ready for work. 

something weird happens to beomgyu when he showers. he knows his way around the discomfort by now, the horror and dysphoria and total confusion. 

what is new to him is the feeling he gets as he stands there, water running down his body. 

is it dissociation? he tries to familiarise the feeling but nothing seems to compare, a feeling of helplessness overcoming him suddenly, hands going numb and breaths heavy. where even is he? who is he? why is he pretending? why are people going along with it? someone like kai- being so authentically what he is such a parody of. people like taehyun, who manage to do things right, actually manage to look the way they’re supposed to, speak and act like it. why is he doing such a poor job of something that should be so simple- being so pathetic it’s almost ridiculous. 

are they only so nice because they don’t want to disappoint him and don’t actually think of him that way?

the answer is so obvious he wishes to choke on it. 

beomgyu can’t remember how long he’s been here and can’t exactly pinpoint coming to, but he returns to his body pathetically slouching on the floor of his small shower stall and decides to get a grip only long enough so he can get dressed and curl up in bed again- a two minute shower before he buries his spinning head into the pillow. 

it takes around another ten minutes for him to stop feeling like he’s going to faint, sitting back up and downing around half a bottle of water in one go until he can pretend to feel normal again. 

he suddenly feels ridiculous for being so dramatic about something as simple as showering, for never feeling like he belongs to himself. not even being able to exist without being dramatic about it doesn’t feel very masculine to him. 

he grabs his phone again, despite the dread it brings him. 

taehyun

we could meet up afterwards 

if you want 

if you want to talk 

he does. 

kai

no i’m sorry 

it was supposed to be a joke, i was happy about it

i was happy about it

kai was… happy about it? 

he feels like floating and suddenly taehyun’s words come back to him, that kai had wanted to date him first and he had said it was okay. 

how long had this hypothetical kai been thinking about this? since the sleepover? the memes? 

when they first met, just like him, pathetically?

if it’s true. 

despite beomgyu having a horrible time, he does want to talk things out. he wants to see where this could go, is oh-so curious. he wants them, badly, even if he’s not sure about the longevity of it. of how sincere it is. but he does, ardently, earnestly, like them. wants to know them. 

he imagines getting turned down later today, after work. having gotten his hopes up uselessly. he imagines making any decisions, any boyfriend decisions, today. 

he does want to talk, but not today. today, he wants to sulk and feel bad and indulge. 

beomgyu

would you be free tomorrow? 

it’s a tough day of being slightly hungover and feeling entirely horrible about himself, but the night is ostensibly worse- tossing and turning and cursing himself for agreeing to meet them in the early hours of morning. he doesn’t remember the last time he’s felt this genuinely inadequate about something. 

beomgyu barely sleeps before the next morning comes and he gets up to get ready with shaky limbs and his vision dragging behind his field of view. 

the train ride feels incomparably longer than usual, and he wonders if he’s grateful for it or actually wants everything to be over as fast as possible. he knows the way to their place well at this point, but still retraces the route he’ll be taking just for good measure and to get his mind off of things. his limbs feel too weak to stand on. 

what he’s not expecting is to see kai waiting for him at the train station, much like the first time they’d met up, and then of course, as he’s now learned, where there is kai, taehyun isn’t too far to follow. 

“beomgyu, hi!” 

they don’t at all seem as apprehensive to meet him as he does. 

“have you eaten? we were thinking we could get some breakfast first, before.. you know.” 

and maybe making him comfortable, so easily, like it takes no effort, is something that comes intrinsic to them. 

it’s not really awkward on their walk there- and also not when they wait for the food or walk back either. instead of shuffling around uncertainly, their strategy seems to be ignoring the topic at hand until a later time- which is not what he expected to happen but he’s not at all unhappy about. they chatter about school and work and littler things that happened until they’re comfortably positioned around their living room table, already halfway through their meal. 

there’s a moment of silence, not that they’ve run out of things to say, but a shared understanding that beomgyu came here to talk and after all this normality, beomgyu actually feels much more ready for it than he did even during the ride there still. 

“first of all,” taehyun starts, “i want to apologise.” 

beomgyu nods, bracing for impact, because he did mentalise himself for a lot of this being misunderstandings or simply untruths and doesn’t want to look too disappointed when they are. but damn, did beomgyu let himself hope over this past hour, that maybe, just maybe, they weren’t. that the three of them could be something, undefined and uncertain, but there. spending days off together and sharing meals between talking and maybe even more. 

“i didn’t mean to say half the things i said the way i did say them, or so soon at all. especially not what i told you about kai.” 

taehyun sends a look towards the tall boy who only waves him off like they’ve talked about this one too many times already. 

“i’m not mad at him or anything, but i guess i did… i guess i was waiting to tell you myself. and i didn’t expect this to happen so soon, but it’s not like i mind at all.” 

beomgyu tries to follow along, but he’s not exactly sure where this is going. if that’s their version of rejecting him, it’s a pretty terrible one- because already his skin is burning with tentative hope that feels too justified to be suppressed. 

“i guess what i’m trying to say is; i did mean it. but i didn’t mean to tell you when you were tipsy, or without talking it through with kai first, or to make it seem like you were in any way obligated to… do anything or agree to anything.” 

i did mean it keeps replaying in his brain so urgently he almost doesn’t catch the rest of what taehyun is saying. 

“oh,” he offers insightfully, unable to really say anything else. beomgyu wonders if all his restlessness during the night means he’s dreaming or perhaps hearing things. he only turns his gaze back to kai when he starts talking again.

“so… we’ve been thinking that you at least deserve the full story before you draw any conclusions. if that’s okay, i’ll start from the beginning?” 

beomgyu nods much quicker than he thought he was capable of, a small “yes, please,” the only response he can muster and decides to lean closer for him to just listen- this once. 

kai nods back, then taehyun does the same, then kai inhales before speaking. 

“back when we first met, it was true that i’d never been to that store before. but, y’know, it’s not that big so what can really go wrong? i was just gonna search around for myself. but then, uhm, i turned into the wrong aisle and saw you and to be honest i really just thought ‘oh my god, a really cute guy, what’s a good excuse to talk to him?’ so i… went up to you about the groceries.” 

taehyun snorts next to him and then quickly tries to stifle it, bringing a hand to his face and somehow, despite himself, beomgyu can’t help giggling along. it interrupts the story he really wants to hear, but his entire body is shaking, body dead cold with nerves, and the laughter makes things a little easier, even if just for a brief second. kai glares at taehyun but doesn’t stop himself from grinning. 

“tyunnie’s been relentlessly bullying me about my methods.” 

“i’m sorry,” taehyun doesn’t sound sorry in the slightest, face still stretched into an amused smile, “it’s just so stupid, and i still can’t believe it somehow worked.” 

“anyway, back to it, you were great and you know how the rest of it went, and i kind of just wanted to keep talking to you. so i asked if you knew the way to the station, because taehyunnie had only shown me once before and, to be fair, i absolutely would’ve gotten lost in the process.” 

beomgyu notices kai kneading his hands, playing with his own fingers, like he’s the nervous one and it fills him with a feeling he’s never felt before, a sudden realisation that none of what taehyun said were drunken lies. a feeling of someone else being genuinely, visibly into him and a shudder like cold sweat runs through him. 

“and then like a miracle you actually offered to walk me there, it’s like when you wish for something stupid to happen and picture it in your head, except it actually came true and that’s crazy to me and i was really happy.” the smile on kai’s face doesn’t leave room to misinterpret his sincerity and it makes his already pounding heart seemingly pick up the pace. 

“you know, you gotta picture this, okay? i call him, unrelated, only for him to tell me he’s getting walked to the station by a stranger, and then i feel super bad about letting him do this alone and needing to make sure he brings a charger when he leaves, and then he comes back only to tell me this.” 

taehyun’s side of the story does sound hilarious and brings beomgyu some much needed relief, some stability after hearing kai’s side of things, after all that madness. 

“i think we really hit it off on the way there and then you were the one who asked to wait with me after missing the train and we talked the whole time and it didn’t get awkward at all, so i…” 

kai trails off, so taehyun speaks for him, “what he’s trying to say is he got a big crush on you after all that.” 

huening kai, right in front of his eyes, starts blushing- ears turning red so quickly as though his nervous way of speaking wasn’t already enough to set beomgyu off and he’s not sure whether to laugh, gasp or cry in response. 

“yeah,” kai agrees, voice quiet and small and beomgyu is suddenly extremely, overbearingly grateful for taehyun’s presence, because he has no idea how he would’ve handled any of this in a one-on-one conversation. 

“uh,” he clears his throat, allowing beomgyu to just keep listening for now, “anyway, i went back home to taehyun and told him about you and we had a long conversation about it, even if i had no idea if i’d ever see you again.” 

“just in case,” taehyun explains, “we’ve always been poly, but kai has never really gotten a crush on anyone else like that before, so we talked about it.” 

beomgyu isn’t sure what to say or think, but he knows he’s happy and that it’s his turn to speak again, anything really, and his best course of action is trying to act as normal about it as he possibly can. 

“okay,” his voice isn’t as stable as he’d hoped, “and then that little party happened and you decided to invite me because of that?” 

it seems to have been the wrong question. taehyun starts laughing and kai only manages to turn even redder, much to beomgyu’s confusing excitement. there’s something so… exhilarating about his mere words making kai even shier- shy at all. 

“he really wanted an excuse to see you again but was too nervous to just ask you over, so i suggested inviting our friends and asking you to come.” 

somehow, every time taehyun interjects with background knowledge, things only get worse for him- more unbelievable. 

“fail-save, if you had said no we could’ve just hung out anyway. i almost thought you would.” 

he almost did. he almost didn’t want to come because of all the people being there, but he doesn’t think he should bring that one up right now. 

“everyone knew his crush was coming, so they were teasing him about it. but when you actually showed up, they didn’t dare embarrass him.” 

kai hums in agreement, “jun and soobin even left early because they hoped we’d hit it off more without them.” 

it was all a ruse. set up. and beomgyu didn’t even notice, had no clue about it. he’s sure he would’ve panicked if he did and it feels incomprehensible to him even now. 

taehyun leans forward in his seat, bashful, and beomgyu’s focus shifts from kai to the other. 

“and then we met and, uh, i guess suddenly it made more sense to me why he liked you so quickly.” 

beomgyu’s head is full, but at least this part he’s already aware of, in a weird sense. still trying to gripple the reality of it, even if taehyun already told him extensively. 

“tyun told me, the next morning, that he was interested in you too and i was really excited about… the possibility i guess?” 

“but neither of us had planned on telling you anytime soon, we just wanted to hang out more and see if you were even remotely interested first,” taehyun smiles tentatively, “after all, hyuka didn’t even know if you liked guys when he first met you and we didn’t know if you were poly or anything.” 

he nods. beomgyu isn’t sure if it’s his turn to say something yet, his part of the story that they should also definitely hear. 

“i guessed you liked kai after we first hung out, but then…” 

ah, he must’ve been obvious, even if he hadn’t entirely known it himself yet either. 

taehyun searches for his gaze and holds it before he continues. 

“if you weren’t serious about what you said back then, that’s okay. we’d still like to hang out or whatever, but either way you should know that we both like you. it wouldn’t be fair to you otherwise. and i shouldn’t have said it the way i did, but i would’ve still done it eventually.” 

beomgyu nods one last time, clenches his shaking fists until they stay relatively still and then leans back, trying to look at the both of them while simultaneously looking at neither. 

“when i met you, kai, you were the first person who ever assumed i was a guy. and i offered to walk you back because i was grateful for that, not really thinking we’d meet again or even talk much. and then we did and you were amazing, but…” he wonders how to phrase it gently, his dreadful overthinking, “i guess i didn’t really let myself think about liking you at all. we didn’t text or anything, so i also didn’t really expect to ever see you again- or at least anytime soon. but i… thought about you a lot.” 

admitting it is hard, but it would’ve been much worse if he started talking about wanting to be him, act like him, how simultaneously dysphoric and euphoric being in his presence was that first time. how much it stuck with him. 

“when i came over and met taehyun it was similar and… i don’t think i’ve ever bonded as quickly or deeply as with you two, with anyone in my life. in hindsight it was pretty obvious, after that, that i’ve liked kai since that first time we talked and then of course taehyun too.” 

because really, who wouldn’t? it feels almost redundant to say, to confess out loud. 

“i guess, uh, i didn’t really think either of you would be interested in me though- much less both. and i honestly can’t say i understand it, and i know we barely know each other but… if you really meant everything you just said, you should know i like you too. and i’m interested in getting to know you more, or whatever else you would both want to do. to be.” 

he tentatively tries to meet their eyes again, to gauge the expressions- and though there’s nothing he should be uncertain of considering they both confessed to liking him first, it still feels gut wrenching. like they’ll take it all back. 

their faces don’t seem to imply so, considering kai simply looks shocked while taehyun’s face lights up in a smile. 

“i knew you meant what you said! i was sure of it- for the record it was kai telling me we shouldn't assume anything, but there’s no way you would’ve lied about it, tipsy or not. you’re not like that.” 

perhaps he isn’t- beomgyu likes to think he’s a romantic at heart, but hearing it said like that so clearly, from taehyun who he assumed barely knows him, somehow feels different. 

“so, you like me?” 

taehyun rolls his eyes at kai’s question and beomgyu is about to join in when he considers himself, asking that some question. uncertain, insistent. 

“yes, i do.” 

kai beams, that expression that made him feel like swooning the first time they met, only much brighter, like he’s genuinely overjoyed and beomgyu feels lightheaded. 

“then, will you go on a date with us?” 

“sure,” he says, without thinking and kai’s smile somehow seems even brighter, “but when? and where?” 

“today,” he responds, seemingly unthinking. taehyun only giggles. 

“maybe the movies,” taehyun suggests, “or a theme park?” 

he tentatively suggests a movie he’s been wanting to see, only for kai to immediately agree with taehyun explaining that kai’s also been meaning to drag him there. they find out that the next viewing is soon enough for them to get ready and go right away, which they somehow think is a great idea. 

having two hands held, beomgyu finds out, is better than one and when kai leans his head against taehyun’s shoulder in the middle of the movie, he hesitantly does the same until he’s rewarded with his hand running through his hair. it’s cute, he decides, then cuter still when they chatter about the movie all the way back to their place. 

they spend the rest of the day talking about boundaries, what sort of things they are and are not okay with, what they’d want or dislike. 

beomgyu leaves in the evening, feeling that sleeping over would probably be overwhelming, then gets not one, but two pretty boys kissing him goodbye before he does. 

he leaves feeling floaty and, for an entire day, doesn’t worry about whether or not he’s ever going to come across the way he wants to. 

despite everything, beomgyu isn’t quite sure they’re precisely dating. or well, probably dating, considering he now knows both their least favourite pet names and preferred forms of intimacy. they told him they don’t mind their partners holding other people’s hands, but would like to be informed before he kisses anyone else. he agreed, not quite sure he’ll ever make good on the offer, knowing he wouldn’t mind if they did so- but what does that mean? what does it make him, that beomgyu is now someone they’ll ask for permission to do these things? their lover? he hasn’t quite gotten the courage to ask, but for now he’s content with existing in that limbo, that state of unknown. 

does he want to be their boyfriend after one date, after meeting them three times? 

ah, there’s that bothersome word again, so he decides to simply mask in the afterglow, the contentment of being liked and being wanted, miraculously. 

he wonders if they truly think of him as a boy, or simply don’t want to hurt his feelings. 

they go to a theme park next, where beomgyu learns that neither taehyun nor kai are good with rides and finds out that the experience can still be fun without them. they ride gentler things, play games and feed each other cotton candy and beomgyu has seldom been this happy before. 

over the next days they become more comfortable just spending time in pairs, or together at their place. they go for walks in the evening or at night, spend time talking about nothing and the world, meet up for meals and sleepovers. he games with kai and listens to music with taehyun, until he’s familiar enough with them that coming over to their place after work feels like coming home. when he sleeps over and none of them are home, it feels like he’s supposed to be there when they come back. 

beomgyu wonders if that’s what dating is supposed to be like. he wonders if they’re lovers. 

beomgyu thinks about what he actually is increasingly less when he’s with them. 

he almost forgets what being miserable feels like. he’s gotten used to being beomgyu, to nicknames and security and, well, to a certain extent feeling like he’s being perceived as a guy. but he also hasn’t really seen many people outside from them except for the dissociation of his workplace and actual home. 

when his friends ask him if he wants to come hang out with them later, he doesn’t really think too much about that. 

he still doesn’t when he’s there, drinking, because he’s having a good time and he can barely remember what it feels like not to. the alcohol makes him giddy, catching up to the things he missed and stories he’s content not being a part of. it’s quite a large group, some people he only distantly knows, but he’s familiar with himself in a way he wasn’t just a few weeks ago, and it feels okay. he feels okay. 

beomgyu can’t remember what he said, what he did, has unlearned some of his conditioning of keeping track of his limbs and other people’s responses, has forgotten for a moment to count his breaths and stifle his laughter, how he was situated at all times to seem more masculine. he isn’t even sure it’s his voice, his squeaky laughter, his legs, or something deeper. 

“when you’re like this, you can really tell.” it’s said between laughter, almost non-judgingly except it clearly is, and suddenly the spinning stops and whatever haze he was in is robbed from him. he feels sober, cold, conscious of every blink. 

“it’s just, you get so girly- i mean obviously,” someone else agrees. what does girly mean? he almost asks, out loud. was it the way he spoke? sat? something else? 

the moment is gone when the people saying it continue to talk about something else, attention on him forgotten, but it feels like a bucket of ice water is still running along his spine and he’s suddenly very aware of the fact that he’s been drinking- uncoordinated, nauseous, disoriented. he’s not sure how much of it came from the alcohol and how much the little remark. 

beomgyu stays frozen in his seat, unable to take out his phone or talk to anyone else, unable to get up and leave. he feels like throwing up. 

you can really tell, plays over and over in his head. it is obvious, isn’t it? hasn’t it always been? 

he remembers the question he used to ask himself so frequently- why is he pretending? 

time seems difficult and he’s not sure if it’s a few minutes or hours when he notices some hushing going through the round, before it becomes clear one of his milder acquaintances is speaking. 

“...yeah so there should be enough for everyone, just pass it ‘round.” 

cold dread washes over beomgyu, because it’s clearly some kind of drug and he doesn’t know what it is. he can barely make out his hands, how would he know? 

he watches with horror as everyone takes something out of a container, already feeling bad enough and not at all up to any more substances. he can’t be the only one refusing and he can’t leave now that it’s already there. 

with every person he begs internally that someone will say no, but he knows this circle too well. 

the couch next to them at first seems like his saving grace, the girlfriend of one of his friends eyeing the drug sceptically. 

“yeah, i think i’m gonna pass.” she hands the box to her boyfriend next to her. 

“oh, come on,” another person he barely recognises, “don’t ruin the fun now!” 

it seems to be joking, but when she stays firm in her refusal there’s a collective groan. 

“brought a girl, what did we expect?” 

“pussy!”

it’s the comment that really gets to him. is that what it is, the reason he doesn’t want to? he knows it’s not, that it’s discomfort and respect for his own wellbeing, but it doesn’t feel that way. 

if he refuses, does that make him a girl? 

there are four people left, all of which take the substance with glee. his friend passes him the container. 

“you too, beomgyu?” 

his name sounds horribly foreign. he doesn’t think he’s ever heard the other say it, the slight second of hesitation before it makes him sick. 

he thinks back to the girl still being side-eyed critically. he thinks of him acting like one, he thinks of pretending. he thinks of how obvious it must be, what he actually is. his friend’s eyebrow raises, almost like he’s about to call him out. 

beomgyu takes whatever is in the container and smiles his most convincing smile, “thanks man.” 

it’s something baked and he desperately tries to remember what sort of drugs can be baked into dough. weed he knows. he wouldn’t do well with weed right now, but at least he knows weed. cocaine, too, he remembers, maybe ecstasy. he feels his vision spinning, unable to see even right in front of him or make out anyone else in the room. 

they all cheer as they start eating and beomgyu desperately doesn’t want to be a girl, so he does the same. 

he can’t remember anything after that, like he blacked out for a bit, or maybe he was suddenly having fun again, but when he checks his phone barely half an hour has passed even when it felt like forever. he tries to move his arms and is relieved when he notices still having control over them. it probably doesn’t look very graceful when he gets up. he tries to find the person inviting him and then gets bumped into, grabbing the ground for support and chuckling before standing upright again. ah, that one wasn’t a good idea. 

“oh sorry, g-” the other stops himself. serendipitously, it’s exactly who he was looking for. 

“my guy!” he feels genuinely excited for a second, forgetting what he was going to say before he remembers, “gotta jam, great meet-up tho.” 

it was horrible. 

“no worries, it was great to see you!” 

they don’t seem like they’re going to miss him, but that’s okay. 

when he’s outside the building, beomgyu is for the first time in his life so utterly out of it he has no idea how he’s going to make it anywhere. he keeps tripping while trying to stand still, vision spinning whenever he tries to focus on anything in sight. the fresh air will help, he thinks, so he takes a few steps forward until he relearns how to walk. it’s probably not a very pretty sight. 

beomgyu imagines going back home like this, getting into bed and knocking out, knowing he’ll probably spend the next entire day crying about feeling wrong. no, he’d hate that, but it’s not exactly like he has another-

he can’t believe he didn’t think about it immediately, surrounded by people where he’d much rather not think about them, but when he remembers kai and taehyun, he feels like his world has gained an entirely new sun. he’s on the other side of town, but he could probably walk there in less than thirty minutes, so without overthinking any of the myriad of reasons he probably shouldn’t- he starts walking towards his people, his personal home, the only place he knows that feels like comfort to him. 

despite running and skipping part of the way in excitement, beomgyu feels like it took him several hours to reach their place. he pays it no mind, doesn’t consider that this would make it a very inappropriate time for a visit, then feels out of breath. he sits in front of the door to regain his barings, still barely able to see past his torso, and whenever he tries to look at something it feels like his eyes automatically move over. it’s annoying. when he manages to take a deep breath without panting, he decides he doesn’t feel like waiting anymore and tries to get up- his second mistake after taking whatever substances he ingested. the headrush he gets from getting back up has him nearly falling to the floor once again. 

he giggles as quietly as possible when he realises he can’t find the doorbell, which is strange considering he’s been here so many times before and instead knocks on the door as loudly as he can. his knuckles hurt. 

there’s a moment of panic when he wonders if he went to the wrong house, but then it doesn’t take more than a moment before the door opens and one of his favourite faces in the whole world peeks right at him. 

“taehyunnie,” his voice is almost a yell, excitement so evident as he pulls the other closer from behind the door, out into the open and into his arms. he can barely tell that taehyun seems taken aback and takes a good second to reciprocate his embrace. 

“hyung!” he doesn’t sound displeased, so beomgyu doesn’t burst into tears right there. 

“can i come in?” he tries to ask, unsure if he slurred the words beyond comprehension, then tries again, “i just wanted to see you.” 

“of course you can, i’m glad you’re here, but… are you okay?” 

he truly isn’t and when taehyun steps back, beomgyu is greeted with the bright industrial light from inside the house and feels like fainting, uncoordinated. 

like a puzzle piece, kai shows up right on time for beomgyu to grin at him, then fall forward. 

they sort of half-drag him into the living room together, which he’d find quite embarrassing if only he wasn’t unable to move for some reason, a few seconds of his dexterity just giving up entirely. he feels himself coming back a moment later. it’s way too bright.

“missed you, hyuka.” 

kai only smiles at him, but his face seems wrong and beomgyu can’t tell what it is, trying not to close his eyes again. 

“we missed you too, gyu.” 

he wonders if they’re patronising him, but he can’t really fully form that insecurity over his buzzing brain. 

“i feel nauseous,” he says, “and dizzy.” 

“do you want me to take you to the bathroom?” taehyun offers, and beomgyu just stops himself from shaking his head. 

“ ‘s not that bad,” he slurs, feeling for the second time how truly out of it he is. 

“can you hug me, though?” 

taehyun complies immediately, sitting down next to him on the couch and gently pushing him forward until he can slip right behind him and hold him tightly against his chest. that’s new. it’s perfect, if not for the fact that he can’t see his face anymore. speaking off, he also can’t seem to make out kai anywhere. 

“better?” his voice is soft when he asks, and beomgyu feels so much more comfortable, so at home he almost cries. he hums in affirmation. 

“what time is it?” 

“like, just after eleven pm.” not so late then, beomgyu is glad. he thought it took him hours to get there. 

that fact suddenly seems absurd, so he starts laughing. taehyun just pats his head comfortingly. 

“did,” he starts, trying to regain his bearings, “did you know sloths can hold their breath longer than dolphins?” 

taehyun doesn’t react for a moment, then bursts into laughter, “what?”

“yeah, but honestly good for them, dolphins are bastards anyway.” 

“beomgyu,” kai speaks, suddenly in front of him again, “can you see how many fingers i’m holding up?” 

he’s a few steps away. beomgyu really can’t. 

“four?” he guesses, though it feels like too little- but he knows there could only be five, so it must be lower than that. 

“i got you some water,” he continues, not telling him whether his answer was right. he probably doesn’t want to know. 

beomgyu accepts it gratefully, though right now his high seems much less horrifying than it was when he was back there. he’s scared he’ll drop the glass, that would be embarrassing. taehyun has a hand prepped beneath his, so he can probably tell the same thing. 

“how did you get here?” it’s taehyun’s voice. 

“i walked.” 

there’s a beat of silence as he continues to sip his water. 

“...could you walk in a straight line back then?” 

beomgyu giggles in response, trying to understand what’s so funny to him. 

“did you know humans can only walk in a straight line if they focus on something in their vision?” 

at least kai is kind enough to laugh along. they probably think the answer is no, but beomgyu couldn’t remember the right one anyway. 

he holds a hand out to kai, unsure what precisely he wants but sure he wants the other to be closer. the younger boy takes it and holds it tight, so that’s probably enough for now. 

he feels more disoriented again. 

“what did you take, beomie?” 

he shrugs, “dunno, everyone was eating it. i didn’t want to because i didn’t feel so good, you know, but then they called the girl who refused a pussy, and i didn’t want to be a girl, so i ate it,” he tries to remember the details. the two of them visibly share a look he’s not sure how to place. 

“but there’s not much it could be if it was baked, right? ecstasy or cocaine, i think. probably weed.” 

“maybe it was weed,” taehyun agrees. 

“not good,” he says, then takes a second to recall why, “not- not supposed to drink first. weed first, before drinking.” 

there’s a minute of silence. 

“well, neither order is very good if you feel bad.” 

he hums, “yeah, felt horrible. not like now, here is good.” 

kai’s finger traces his cheek for a second and it feels so vivid between all of the haziness he doesn’t know what to do with all of that joy. 

“i’ll bite your hand,” he instead says fondly, but so disconcerted he could barely make it out himself. 

taehyun cages his arm between the both of his and moves to the side again, presumably to look at him, not letting go.

“do you want to sleep, hyung?” 

taehyun’s been calling him that, hasn’t he? like he’s a guy. what a weird concept. it makes his skin crawl. 

“no, not tired. missed you guys.” 

it’s barely been that long since they last saw each other, and they’re probably just as aware of that fact. but beomgyu just experienced such immense discomfort, it’s like he hasn’t seen them in weeks. he feels all wrong, like nothing will ever be right. 

then, he remembers, despite himself, “are you tired? were you sleeping?” 

“no, no, we were just here staying up. don’t worry.” 

he wants to nod, but that feels wrong, “am i annoying? i’m sorry for just coming here.” 

he sees kai shake his head, quickly, urgently- it’s adorable. 

“you can come over whenever you want, whatever happens. right, tyunnie?” 

“right. you could never be annoying.” 

he nods this time, feeling it make his world spin once more. he decides to close his eyes just for a second. 

“what were you up to?” 

“just watching this competition show. do you want to see it?” 

normalcy sounds incredible, so he agrees eagerly, prompting them to turn on a recording they must’ve already seen, but beomgyu is too invested to be mushy about it. 

he complains all the way through the first few minutes, then drains from energy and slumps further and further down until kai offers him to put his head in his lap. then he gets bored when the first commercial break hits and starts slurring his way through a random trail of thought he’s not sure either of them are following. 

almost an hour passes until he can sort of see the tv again and he turns in kai’s lap until he’s lying on his back, trying to breathe more normally and blinking his way up to the ceiling. 

“how are you feeling?”

it’s asked very gently, but all he’s suddenly hyper aware of is kai’s thigh under his head, a position he’s not sure he’s ever been in, and how wrong his own feels. much less strong and muscly- he’s such a fraud. 

“floaty. not all there.”

it must sound more coherent than anything he’s said before. 

“were you with your friends earlier?” 

he tries to remember anything that happened the past few hours until it sort of comes back to him. ah, he was acting embarrassing. 

“yeah, there were a lot of people. i didn’t really like it there, after a while.” 

he remembers being obvious. he probably still is, even more so just a bit ago. 

“why didn’t you leave?” 

why didn’t he? 

“couldn’t move, when i stopped liking it.” 

he doesn’t want to talk about the crushing dysphoria, how wrong he feels. his throat is dry. 

“i think i need more water,” he says before trying to sit up. he’s halfway there when taehyun pushes him back down, already up. the motion makes him feel like throwing up, suddenly nauseous. 

“stay, i’ll get it.” 

he’s already off before beomgyu can complain. kai is warm, and when he inhales, he smells him all over. it’s a comfort that usually overshadows his anxiety, but not today. today he thinks that kai smells more like a man than he does. 

“you know,” he’s not sure who he’s talking to, vision blurry at the edges, “i wish i were a boy.” 

then beomgyu blacks out, going limp for a few seconds where all he can remember is kai’s eyes suddenly widening, a hand waving in front of his face. 

it can’t be more than a few minutes, so maybe it was more like a nap, but when he comes to again he’s been moved and taehyun is back. 

“beomgyu? what happened?” 

their voices are so loud and suddenly everything is wrong. 

“blacked out,” he mumbles, then suddenly sits up with determination, sprinting to the bathroom. 

he wishes he could’ve closed the door, but he just didn’t. he’s not sure he’s about to throw up or just curl up on the ground, but as it stands he ends up dry retching over the sink when he gets there, his entire throat on fire, until he collapses onto the floor, unsure how much time has passed. he wishes he’d thrown up just so that maybe he could stop feeling so off, but at this point he’s not sure how much of it is even because of the substances anymore. 

he puts his knees up to his chest and hides his face there, trying to breathe in and out normally. his body still feels like it’s back in the living room, so entirely disconnected from himself. there’s a tentative hand reaching out to him and he’s not strong enough to swat it away. 

“hyung, did you throw up?” he shakes his head, unable to make out who asked him. maybe kai. he probably should, but if either of them try to suggest it right now he’s not sure how he could even explain that he can’t. 

nobody pesters him, though. instead he feels two pairs of arms holding him tight from either side of his body, entirely silent and oh-so-understanding. he feels sick with the affection. 

he returns to his body, slowly, then sits up straighter. he just wishes he knew what he was even on. who even acts like this after a little bit of alcohol and party drugs? who else would be this pathetic? beomgyu is worse than a girl. 

someone hands him a glass of water he feels much better after drinking.

“does this happen a lot?”

he wishes he knew what part. the drugs? the fainting? the dry retching over the sink? he almost wants to say no, because he usually cries through the process. 

“yeah,” he instead just says. 

“how is your vision doing?” 

he blinks, trying to see the wall in front of him. it’s wonky, but he can make out the shape of the door, the tiles. 

“it’s okay.” 

“taehyun,” kai says, and beomgyu has no idea what he’s trying to say, but it must mean something to the other, because he gets up and leaves with the excuse of fixing up some stuff. 

he unfurls his body and looks at kai, waiting. 

“beomie, is this because of the drugs?” 

“i don’t know,” he says, because maybe honesty is the best policy. he doesn’t know why everything feels so cold suddenly. he just wants to go back to cuddling on the couch, preferably without the aftershocks of whatever this is. just them, nice and warm and safe. he doesn’t want to feel like this- not here, where things are supposed to be good. where he’s supposed to be liked. 

“then.. is it because of what you just told me?” 

he tries very hard to recall what he told him, what kai is referring to, then feels a shock run through him. he considers saying he doesn’t want to talk, to blame it all on the substance abuse. to say it’s because of his friends. 

beomgyu is still very much out of it. 

“i think neither of you actually see me as a guy.” 

kai inhales sharply and he wonders why the other sounds so affected by something that should be obvious. 

“well, i do.” 

“you’re lying.” 

“beomgyu, i didn’t even know you were trans when we met.” 

“because you were lying to me, to be nice and not disappoint me, because you pity me.” 

there’s a moment of silence where kai looks truly and utterly devastated. like beomgyu had just said something that deeply hurt him and, for that moment, beomgyu thinks he’s fucked up beyond repair by stating something he thought was a given. how could anyone think he is pretending any less than he himself does? and for that short moment, he wonders if he’s ruined everything they’ve been building towards between them.  

“listen to me, beomgyu. i know plenty of cis guys with feminine voices. i know guys who like to present femininely. you pass. you’re just a guy to me. matter of fact, i wouldn’t care what you identify as, what you were born as- those are all concepts. none of that changes anything about me liking you or what you are.”

there’s a second where kai actually looks mad, and beomgyu isn’t sure why. what he did wrong, precisely. why the other seems so utterly lost. he wishes he could take it all back. then kai inhales deeply, his gaze suddenly much more gentle, voice calm.

“have you ever considered that the people that keep misgendering you would still call you a girl even if you were cis? hell, i get called one every two business days because i have longer hair and look queer. you can’t please these people, even if you destroy yourself for them. but to me, to us, you pass just fine. i don’t think anyone i know would assume you’re a girl if you tried.” 

beomgyu’s not sure why, what exactly it was- but suddenly he bursts into tears, the least manly thing he could think of doing and it feels just as horrible as it is the second he does it. 

why, if kai is trying so hard, doing his very best with points that he’s sure will make him feel ecstatic tomorrow, saying all the right things, can he still not believe what the other is saying?

the door opens like taehyun hasn’t left for a second, concern written all over his face. 

“what happened, is he okay?” 

“taehyun-ah, can you come in please?” 

kai gets up, slowly, and only then does beomgyu realise the other hadn’t let go of him even once throughout their entire conversation- and suddenly he feels like he’s lost the other entirely. 

he mutters something to taehyun, then turns back to beomgyu. 

“i’ll wait in the living room, call me if you need me, but i think tyunnie can help you better than i can for now.” 

it sounds like he’s saying ‘i’m not mad at you’ and beomgyu feels like he can breathe again. 

instead of interrogating him, taehyun sits with him and silently waits until beomgyu stops crying. it never takes very long, when other people are there. 

“beomgyu i’m gay. i don’t date women.”

ah, so kai already clued him in enough.

“then, what about kai?”

taehyun inhales, voice firm but gaze soft. he feels like a charity case, and then the thought makes him feel like throwing up again. they’re trying so earnestly, and somehow none of it is registering in his head. he feels horrible. 

“kai has never made any indication he doesn’t genuinely like you in a gay way. i know how this is gyu, i can tell when people see me as a boy and when they only pretend to. trust me, i can see it even better for other people.”

“no, but taehyun,” he looks up then, frustrated, because they just don’t seem to get it when it’s the only thing eating at his mind, body and soul all day, every day, “nobody thinks of me as a boy. nobody has ever done so. i simply don’t pass, not in any way. and if you’re the first people to ever actually do so, how would i know? because it’s a feeling i’ve never gotten before, someone thinking like this and not just remembering my pronouns, and it’s just as disorienting as being misgendered. and i have no idea what to do with it.”

it seems like suddenly, without any further quips, as he pants and tries to find his own self again, taehyun’s eyes widen like he gets it and there’s a look of such pure pain on his face that beomgyu can feel it like it’s his own. 

“oh my god…” 

without offering any commentary, without justifying himself anymore, taehyun hugs him so tightly he feels it might bruise. he wants it to, to feel the effect of it forever. he hopes it does, this feeling of warmth and comfort, and beomgyu wishes he could understand why taehyun is extending him such generosity. 

“i know it’s hard to believe me right now, but i promise it’ll get better. it will take a while, but if you can trust me at all, put any sort of trust in me about anything- it’s this.” 

and he says it with such conviction that beomgyu tries his very hardest to actually do so. 

he can’t meet either of their gazes when they return to the living room, head spinning a little and feeling entirely wrong about everything that just went down. 

kai says he’s tired, so they head to bed after taehyun is nice enough to lend beomgyu some clothes. since he sleeps over enough, his guest bed is still situated in kai’s room, the one they primarily sleep in together. 

he feels wrong, still, as he lies down, not like the usual contentment of being close to them, enough to make him halfway able to sleep somewhat. no, as he pulls the blanket over himself, he wishes he had the courage to ask to lie with them, to apologise and ask for them to forget whatever just happened, to go back to liking him with no hesitation. 

instead of being able to do something even more embarrassing, beomgyu knocks out the second he closes his eyes. 

his head is pounding when he wakes up, a few hours too little to actually be rested after the evening he had, but not as badly as he would’ve expected it to. sadly, the lack of immediate hangover regret doesn’t mean his memory is doing as well, parts blurry and pieces missing. he hopes he’ll get all of it back in a few minutes. 

just one, however, his shame is not spared from. the bathroom, dry heaving, the conversation. he almost wants to slap himself- how could he ever just casually say shit like that? just like that, too, no explanation at hand. no words to justify it. 

he wishes he’d knocked out sooner. 

beomgyu leaves the room quietly, throat impossibly dry, not bothering to check whether kai or taehyun are awake. cold liquid down his throat feels rejuvenating, like a new lease on life. he wonders if he’s ever going to be ready to drink with his friends again. 

beomgyu wonders if he’ll ever get to drink with kai and taehyun again, if he’s made things irreplicable. 

he only notices their presence when they both enter the room, not having heard the door opening or even them crawling out of bed, like he usually does. 

there are apologies ready on his tongue, excuses maybe, ready for all plausible deniability he can make work for him. how much can he blame his intoxication for? what are they going to believe? 

before he speaks a single word, when he turns around, taehyun beats him to it. 

“how are you feeling?” 

his voice is surprisingly gentle for someone he must’ve driven away so badly last night. 

“better than i thought, uhm, hangover wise. some of my memories are fuzzy though.” 

to his surprise, kai makes an empathetic noise and then reaches out to stroke his hair, like everything is normal. affectionate, like he’s still fond of him. 

“we should order some breakfast. what do you want, hyuka?” 

it’s incredibly… normal. nothing feels out of place, perfect hands in his and perfect smiles directed at him. they eat and converse like they’re still infatuated with him and it makes him feel a weird sense of nausea. a weird sense of helplessness, the apprehension between wanting to apologise and them not giving him any reason to. 

“aren’t you mad at me?” he blurts out, not a single piece of restraint in his mind, wild and uncontrollable, maybe a little self-conscious still. 

they both pause to look at each other for a second, then kai is the one to shake his head. 

“hyung, you were heavily out of it.” 

“i know, but i still feel like i should apologise.” 

taehyun shakes his head then too, distinctively. 

“you don’t need to feel sorry after sharing a real concern with us, even if it’s wrong and we can’t really do anything about it.” 

the sentiment makes him feel dizzy all over, out of it all over again. 

“oh,” he offers intelligently, “so… you’re not mad?” 

“beomgyu, why would we ever be mad? i, for one, am more mad at the way your friends seem to have treated you.” 

it feels a little insane. this is the first time that particular memory comes back to him, the name-calling and sheer unease he felt. 

“i can’t… recall much of it, to be honest.” 

they look at him sympathetically, but somehow, miraculously, it doesn’t make him feel pitied. for a moment, beomgyu realises he’s never felt pitied or irritated or ridiculed by either of them and that it’s the first time anyone has made him consider this. 

“how much do you remember?” 

“uhm, most of the things from when i got here, but not that much before. like what i told you, but i don’t think i know about a single conversation that happened yesterday evening.”

they share another look of sympathy, this one making him feel much more left out and weird about himself. 

“that’s okay,” taehyun reassures him then, and he does feel like breathing and thinking get a little easier, “but maybe we should.. talk about that one again later.” 

beomgyu nods, unsure whether kai is talking about his friends or the whole conversation that went down.

“could i,” he inhales sharply, starting out of nowhere, “would either of you maybe hug me, please?”

he feels pathetic asking, wanting for something so simple but considering himself too pathetic to get it, too disconnected from himself, so when they both shuffle over to accompany either side of him, he feels prepared to tear up any moment. their presences are warm, constant, reassuring. 

“you both are so…,” he starts, not having a conclusion prepared for his own words. 

they seem to get it either way. 

beomgyu wonders if they are lovers. 

the conversation they seemingly wanted to have doesn’t happen that day. he leaves after breakfast, having errands to run, but feels much less like everything is broken than he thought he would. he’ll feel the apprehension, still, until they text him later that same evening. but after that it’s almost okay, the reassurance that he didn’t destroy anything, even if he felt ashamed and small and miserable about sharing himself the way he did. 

he tries to remind himself that neither of them minded, that he was very out of it. 

beomgyu thinks about whether they would still be as forgiving if he’d said it without any alcohol in his system, then abruptly attempts to stop thinking altogether- futile. 

things feel more okay the day after, his usual morning texts are reciprocated routinely without any implications that he’s overbearing. none of his friends have texted or said anything at all. beomgyu tries to recall what being friends even means to him and then realises he has no idea if he could even consider them friends at all. 

he goes about his day and work in a bit of a trance, tries not to flinch when people address him wrongly, then gets invited for a sleepover he very graciously and instantaneously accepts. 

all exhaustion leaves his body when he gets there and is greeted by kai’s smile. reinvigorated in an instant. 

the three of them busy themselves making popcorn and preparing snacks, delicate normalcy that has beomgyu breathing easily, limbs loose and smile sincere. it’s a movie night, all of them getting to put on their choice of movie each- declaring the winner of a very heated game of rock-paper-scissors to be the first in order. closely interwoven legs and natural proximity, something easy, something so kind. 

he feels warm all over, comfortable right here, terribly content. the evening is quiet, right, intimate. 

when the movies are over, things quiet into playing music and heads lolling on shoulders, conversations meaningless until they’re not. 

“hey beomie, uhm, i was wondering if you’d want to talk about the other day.” it seems they’re being careful, trying to feel out his reaction, whether he’s okay with talking about it. he’s not, but it’s not like he’s ever going to be. 

as he nods, he takes one of taehyun’s hands and absentmindedly starts playing with his fingers, trying to find a sense of security within it. 

“do you actually think… all of these things you said back then?” 

he thinks about making it a joke, affirming that he actually does think dolphins suck, but kai is asking so gently that none of it feels right. he knew he was going to have to do this and now he is. and he will simply have to accept whatever comes of it. 

“most of it, yes. always, out of the things i can recall right now.” 

he can feel taehyun inhaling sharply next to him, something wounded, and beomgyu rethinks the conversation again- trying to remember all the things he said. 

“except for the… i guess, what i said about you two. that one’s more complicated.” 

from somewhere within him, taehyun finds it in himself to reassuringly squeeze beomgyu’s hand and it feels like heavenly bliss. this small bit of assurance, reminder of safety, hoping he’s going to be able to keep the memory of it forever. 

his lap suddenly becomes an incredible visual experience, head downcast. 

“for the first time, i’m experiencing something like actually being considered a guy. i can’t pinpoint if it’s the way you treat me, act around me, whatever. it is disorienting, i meant that, and confusing to a part of me that doesn’t know how to receive it,” beomgyu feels very unsteady as he realises what he needs to say next, “and i have had the recurring like… voice in my head wondering if you’re pretending to make me feel better.”

he doesn’t dare look up, doesn’t dare let them speak, doesn’t dare find out whether he’s ruining the one good thing he has in his life. 

“i know rationally it doesn’t make sense, you have consistently not given me any reason to feel that way. but it’s there. it’s not… distracting and i don’t pay it much mind most of the time. and i think it’s the fact that i don’t know how to handle people not just thinking i’m a girl and then sometimes randomly remembering that i want to be called a boy.” 

it’s unmistakably kai’s hand in his hair, then, hesitant and slow, as though he might try to shake the touch off the way he wanted to that night. instead, it feels like the first ray of sunshine after the longest and darkest of nights. 

“i completely understand if you’re mad, or disappointed, because i know you must be trying very hard and none of it really comes through. and i’m sorry.”

“beomgyu,” taehyun immediately says, and he had no idea that just one word could ever say so much without a single indication otherwise. it sounds like disagreement, forgiveness, or maybe something even before that. 

“i’m not mad or disappointed and i don’t want you to apologise,” kai’s voice is soft, closer now, though he still doesn’t dare look up. 

“i don’t want you to do anything, all i know is my boyfriend isn’t doing well about something and we both just want to understand how to make it easier.” 

beomgyu is confused for all but a second, wondering why kai is referring to taehyun that way, in the middle of that sentence. it takes another one for him to register the term being used for him. 

while he was daydreaming, overthinking, wondering if they’re lovers, kai is calling him their boyfriend like it’s a given. like normalcy. 

he feels delirious, for a heartbeat. 

then, without any warning, a sudden flood of relief. like the world rightening itself, like the final puzzle piece at last fitting so nicely. 

oh, to hear kai call him his boyfriend, using the word- who would’ve known that’s all it takes for his anxiety about it to wash away? beyond that initial text, him thinking of it regarding himself- hearing the way kai says it, it feels like belonging. finally, beomgyu thinks that it fits. no dissociation, no headaches or overthinking. he wants them to be his boyfriends. he wants to be one, no itchiness about the term left within him.

his head shoots back up, looking at them again without second thought. he doesn’t respond for way longer than is socially acceptable, eyes wide, and he could only guess the amount of surprise that must probably colour his expression. 

“say that again?” 

kai seems taken aback and beomgyu can see the cogs in his head turning right before his eyes. he’s incredibly, overwhelmingly, utterly endeared by him. 

“uh… we just.. want to know how to make it easier for you?” 

it’s so genuinely clueless, like he didn’t even notice it’s the first time he’s used the term to refer to him, and beomgyu can’t stop smiling even when taehyun just rolls his eyes and giggles. 

“hyung,” he instead calls out to him, beomgyu immediately turning his head in response, attention shifting, “it’s okay if you don’t want to be our boyfriend yet. that doesn’t change any of what he just said.” 

kai makes a little noise in the background, something embarrassed and small. beomgyu doesn’t give a fuck about being perceived as anything right now. 

“tyunnie, are we boyfriends? do you want us to be?” 

it’s now the other’s turn to fluster, narrowly avoiding eye-contact with him. 

“well, yes. we haven’t really talked about it, but i’d like to be yours.” 

beomgyu’s heart soars, mind racing. it was this easy all along? all he had to do was ask? now in the ease with which they talk about it, how sure they are, all overthinking seems illogical to him. they want him, not any differently from how he feels- so why did he make it so hard for himself in the first place? 

he turns to kai again, their eyes merely meeting already enough for the younger boy to start talking. 

“i’m sorry i just assumed that… well, we’ve been going out for a bit and i didn’t really think about what i said. but i’d also want to be your boyfriend, whenever you’re ready for that.” 

for some reason, his first instinct is to laugh, giddy and excited, body shaking with it. 

“i was so unsure whether to bring it up, or if we already were, but of course i want that. i’d be honoured to be your boyfriend.” 

it feels so easy now to use that word, to refer to himself that way, to say whatever he wants. he’s told them all of his mindless overthinking, shown his most ugly self, and they still want to be with him. he feels like all of him relaxes, despite how excitement makes his body tense. a deep inner peace settling within himself. 

taehyun lets go of his hand to instead wrap both arms around him, pulling him closer in an angle that is awkward and yet feels like all the warmth of the universe. he feels kai do the same from behind him, a sensation he’s still not used to and would, under different circumstances, make him squirm for a second, feel disconnected. instead he feels right at home right here, his favourite place on earth, so close to perfection. he hopes they’ll never let go, keep him safe forever, in this illusion of ease. 

beomgyu has two goddamn boyfriends. what absurdity, everything he could have ever dreamed of. 

they sit in this giddy shared understanding for quite some time. basking in the joy, the excitement. when the both of them let up, beomgyu’s limbs feel heavy and his back hurts, but he’s way beyond complaining about anything right now. 

“coming back to what we were actually talking about; liking you isn’t us trying hard. and if there’s ever anything we can do to help you, we will. just know we’re here if you want to talk or just have us take your mind off things or anything else.”

that’s the end of that conversation- taehyun’s words a warm affirmation. 

the rest of the night mirrors their first one, of listening to music and talking and making out. a disposable somewhere on the couch with them, shotgunning with every second time it gets picked up. it feels familiar, worlds apart, entirely ethereal. he finds great appeal in getting to watch kai and taehyun passing smoke between each other’s lips and just as much adores doing it to either of them. and if for every time either of them kisses him, his mind giddily yells at him that those two wonders are now his boyfriends- well that’s entirely his business. 

he could’ve fallen asleep right there on the couch and been entirely content, but there’s always a point when the music becomes background noise and someone’s eyelids start dropping. 

“do you want to sleep?” taehyun asks kai, voice entirely soft. beomgyu loves the way they interact with each other, how utterly adoring they are. 

the youngest nods and it’s without protest when they all get up and head for the bedroom. beomgyu’s guest mattress is still sitting in its rightful spot on the floor, always close enough for comfort. 

labels aren’t the only thing that change that day, it seems. 

“uhm, gyu, i was wondering… wouldn’t you want to sleep in the bed with us?” 

there’s many things deterring him from agreeing right away. the bed is by no means small, but definitely not meant for three people to sleep in. it’ll be a tight fit if they’re not all cuddled up together, which is probably the whole point in itself. 

despite the fact that beomgyu has gotten relatively used to intimacy, to hands held and kisses shared, he’s a lot less used to asking for that particular form of proximity. entire torsos pressed together, hugging, being held. he sometimes reminisces the ease of his childhood, before he realised how wrong his body felt, how wrong certain places were. he still feels apprehensive about either of them getting close to those, like one day the most comforting thing he knows will feel just as wrong as well. beomgyu has no idea what he would do to react to that. 

for the moment, however, neither taehyun nor kai seem threatening. they don’t seem like they could ever make him uncomfortable, not in any way, not even if they tried. 

beomgyu has learned just earlier that he doesn’t need to be afraid of things he wants. that they’ll likely be reciprocated, or at least appreciated if they aren’t. 

“would that be okay?” 

he looks between them, a very drowsy kai finding some strength within himself to seem entirely enthusiastic about the prospect and taehyun’s beaming smile. unanimous agreements. 

it certainly doesn’t feel scary when they offer for him to be in the middle, when they touch him delicately and entangle their limbs gently. nothing feels off about taehyun’s happy little sigh against his neck and kai’s bleary grin. there’s a certain look of affection to the tall boy that makes beomgyu instinctively duck his head, falling right into the crook of said boy’s neck. nothing feels wrong about the proximity, taehyun’s tight grip around his waist and kai’s steadily beating chest, rising and falling with his breathing. 

everything feels right about being their boyfriend. and for the first time since as long as he can remember, he closes his eyes and falls into a deeply satisfying, content sleep without ever waking up even once throughout the rest of the night. 

he meets his boyfriends consistently, until not staying at their place all the time becomes a task. returning to his home, being othered, feels so off to him he doesn’t remember what it felt like to have that feeling be a constant in his life. 

one evening kai texts him after he got off work, sitting in his room and doing just about nothing, contemplating going for a walk around his place’s streets. 

kai  

beomgyu

are you free rn 

can you come over?

kai

it’s taehyun

beomgyu doesn’t need to read anymore than that, already halfway across the room. 

beomgyu 

omw

he only finds it necessary to text again when he’s already in the train, short minutes feeling torturously long. 

beomgyu 

whats wrong with him? 

is he okay?

kai

he’ll be alright 

for the first time in what felt like hours, beomgyu can exhale deeply again, tension loosening just a little. 

kai

there were bad news 

and i think he needs you more than me right now

that you can help

beomgyu has a feeling what sort of thing this might be about, the sort of headspace taehyun might be in. breathless all over again, at the prospect of taehyun going through something like this- something so much like him, whatever it ends up specifically being. unimaginable. 

the train announces his station.

beomgyu 

ill be there in 5 

he sprints the nearly fifteen minute walk and makes it there in record speed, with just enough time to catch his breath before ringing the doorbell. 

kai opens the door almost immediately, like he’s been waiting. he greets kai quickly, tries to shoot him a reassuring smile and beelines for taehyun’s room. beomgyu knocks gently. 

“not right now, kai-ya.” 

taehyun’s voice is small, barely audible. 

“it’s me.” 

there’s a beat of silence. 

“come in.” 

he finds taehyun sitting on his bed, gaze averted and eyes downcast. 

while he approaches, beomgyu searches for any sign that he should keep his distance, any reaction that would indicate what to do next. taehyun looks up at him for only a few seconds, eyes reddened, and beomgyu doesn’t hesitate for another heartbeat. 

wordlessly, he sits down behind his boyfriend and carefully wraps his arms around him, slow enough for the other to signal if he’d rather not be touched. when taehyun leans against him the smallest bit, his hold becomes firm- a fiercely protective feeling coursing through him, the urge to shield the other from all the cruelty the world has to offer. he manoeuvres them until taehyun is held against his chest and doesn’t waste a single thought on getting uncomfortable about this. 

neither of them speak and beomgyu doesn’t force taehyun to. he only embraces him, alternating between wrapping both arms around his waist, taking extra care not to so much as brush any part of the other’s body that might make him uncomfortable, and softly carding his fingers through taehyun’s hair. he hopes either gesture can extent minimal comfort to him and is content when he feels the boy slowly becoming less tense against him. 

it takes taehyun a while to say anything at all- and when he does it’s a simple request. 

“can you tell me about your day? or… just anything.” 

so he does. beomgyu goes into great detail about every minor thing contained in his day, rambling about an unusual meal he had and recounting his work day. he tells him stories about different customers- a guy who made him use the register a whole three times, an elderly women who came in and spoke a lot, even just a slightly unusual book someone ordered. 

he goes on until he gets taehyun to chuckle, his nails scratching the other’s scalp with utmost care, and feels entirely accomplished. 

there’s a minute of silence, then taehyun burrows closer, exhaling sharply. 

“it’s a stupid thing to be upset about.” 

“taehyun,” his voice is firm, “nothing could ever be stupid if you feel down about it.” 

he hums in return, tone indistinguishable. 

“my mastectomy got delayed.” 

beomgyu holds his breath not to make a wounded noise. 

“it would’ve already been a few months still, but now it’s going to take almost a year.” 

he waits for a few seconds to give taehyun the opportunity to speak more, but the other stays silent. 

“how would that ever be a dumb thing to be upset about?” he tightens his grip more, rests his chin on top of taehyun’s head, “tyunnie, i’m so sorry.” 

it’s not a helpful sentiment, not like anything truly could be, but maybe the sincerity in his voice makes up for it. he suddenly gets why kai assumed beomgyu would be more helpful with this, knowing that, unlike kai himself, beomgyu truly and ardently understands.  

“it’s just that… i was already so reliant on that date. and now it feels like all of my plans and this big part of me just got ruined, broken, l-like,” taehyun’s voice breaks and beomgyu can do nothing but rub small circles against his skin, “like i’m just overplaying the fact that this is a thing i need in my life.”

it’s a sentiment he’s much too familiar with. 

“i’m now going to say something very patronising that i’m sure you already know.”

he waits for a protest that doesn’t come.

“by this time next year, this is still going to be a thing you need in your life. the only difference will be that you will already have gotten it.” beomgyu has no idea how to console people about a thing that’s still only an unattainable future goal to him, has no idea where he’s going or what to say. beomgyu even thinks that kai might have been a better candidate to go over validating arguments and placating regurgitations. the only thing he’s got going for him is that he is going to be the more credible source. 

beomgyu imagines what the two of them would say to him, if the roles were reversed. 

“waiting another year is never going to diminish all of the previous years you already had to go through this. and waiting won’t be any easier, whether it’s just a few months or a lot of them. what matters is that you’re just as much of a guy now as you’re going to be in a year’s time and i will never let anyone tell you that the affirming care you need isn’t a necessity or that you somehow need it less than other people,” beomgyu pauses to playfully flick a gentle finger against the side of taehyun’s head, “not even yourself. so cut that out or else i’ll have to fight you to come to your own defence.” 

taehyun giggles and the sight of his very smile is enough for beomgyu to feel like tearing up. 

“i think you already know all of this. it still sucks and i’d very much like to fistfight whoever was responsible for that decision, but you’ll get through it. i promise, kai and i will do our best to make this time as easy and quick as possible for you.” 

taehyun turns to him and for a second beomgyu wonders if he overstepped, if he caused more harm than good. 

“please don’t try to fistfight anyone. i hate to say it, but it wouldn’t be much of a fight.” 

he blinks, then gasps, feigned affront a quick response. 

“i beg your pardon? i am very strong so be grateful i’m willing to protect your honour, good sir!” 

taehyun takes that opportunity to initiate a wrestling battle that beomgyu very much loses, though he does end up putting up a good fight. they concede that taehyun is just unnecessarily strong and forfeit another battle in good faith. 

they end up sandwiched between disarrayed sheets with taehyun’s head buried into beomgyu’s chest. 

“i’ll hold you to your promise, so you better stick around and help time run faster.” 

it’s still spoken with silly words, hiding behind banter and jokes, but taehyun’s voice is soft and sincere. like a plea, even if beomgyu isn’t exactly able to decipher what he’s specifically pleading for. 

“wouldn’t dream of doing anything else,” he still agrees, like an oath between them, a promise he’s not willing to break- because no matter what taehyun is actually asking, beomgyu is more than ready to provide it. 

it seems their playfight has re-animated kai as they hear him sneak around the door, pacing as if he’s not sure whether to approach or not. 

“feeling a bit better?” he asks. 

“a bit,” taehyun agrees, so beomgyu ruffles his hair in response. 

“then let’s go tell kai and then we can do whatever you want.” 

taehyun takes beomgyu’s hand, which he offers after climbing out of bed- the slightest smile the only reassurance that he’s okay with that plan. 

for the first time, beomgyu realises that maybe it’s okay to be vulnerable in relationships- that he’s not the only one asking for help. despite the circumstances, his steps thereafter become lighter. 

the second kai makes sure taehyun is okay with it, he’s on him immediately. smothering taehyun with care and attention and all the affection he could offer. 

beomgyu wonders, in moments like this, if he’s supposed to feel jealous of them. they’ve been together for much longer than beomgyu has, shared a hundred more memories, and loved each other so easily. beomgyu feels none of that, not an ounce of negativity, only sincere excitement and an indescribable warmth at the prospect of them caring for each other so deeply. loves seeing them adore each other as much as he adores them; as much as he’d like to think they adore him in return. 

they watch a show that taehyun wants to see, drowning him in physical affection all the while. 

it’s when taehyun heads for the bathroom that kai turns to him, gaze intense and eyes ardent. 

“thank you, hyung.” 

despite everything, the word makes his breath hitch. 

“don’t thank me, hyuka.” 

kai knocks his forehead against his, gently but with a newfound enthusiasm. 

“yes i will, you’re amazing.” 

he wonders briefly if things had been different in the past. if things had taken more time and effort to calm down, if taehyun had been more affected. it doesn’t matter to him, either way. 

“thanks for texting me.” 

when kai beams, it’s the exact same bright smile that had beomgyu smitten from day one. he can’t help smiling back, his own expression incredibly soft. 

somewhere along the evening, taehyun suggests drinking. 

it’s been a while since they’ve done it together, but taehyun seems okay enough that they’re not concerned about it being for ulterior reasons. just for fun, as drinking is supposed to be. 

beomgyu, however, is concerned for an entirely different reason- mind flashing back to that last evening. 

he wasn’t sure they’d ever be okay around him drinking again, or at least not for a good while. but, seeing as it’s taehyun’s wish, it’s hardly something he’d bring up or argue against. 

it seems they notice his reaction either way. 

“you don’t have to if you’re not up for it,” taehyun immediately offers, considerate, even though that’s not his concern at all. 

“it’s just,” he inhales, drawing strength from somewhere within, trying to remind himself that being vulnerable is a good thing, “i wasn’t sure either of you would be comfortable with that, after last time.” 

he’s not sure what he expects in response, but it’s not the mutual beat of silence that follows. 

“do you want to drink with us, hyung?” taehyun’s question is straightforward and he can’t even pretend it doesn’t take him aback. 

“well- uh yes, i would love to, of course.” 

“then that’s all that matters.” 

for some reason, beomgyu is stunned. all his overthinking and convoluted over-analysing bested with a single sentence. he nods and lets himself get dragged along so they can choose what to drink for the night. it’s that easy? everything is that easy with them? he can just let things be simple, once in a while? 

“gyu, i think it’s good for you to be drinking with us, either way. i mean, have you drunk since everything happened?” 

kai’s full body is turned to him in their kitchen as taehyun is digging through some glass cabinet. he shakes his head in response, “no,” he shudders. 

“maybe we can try to… redo last time. so you can let yourself enjoy it again.” 

his heart stops beating, breath halted entirely. 

he hasn’t considered it that way at all. 

beomgyu wishes there were words for him to describe kai- dumb, big, boyish kai, who can swear like a sailor and be the cutest person to ever exist in the same breath. kai, who’s somehow and always surprisingly so much smarter and more wise than he lets on. and he’s theirs. beomgyu is so fucking lucky. 

“kai’s right, hyung. also look!” taehyun reinserts himself into their conversation before beomgyu can get all sentimental about it, “i found our favourite!” 

they play a fun little drinking game and it gets them reasonably tipsy, reasonably fast. 

he tries to ignore the slowly building buzz in his body as much as possible, forgetting that alcohol can have any effect on him at all. it doesn’t work very well. he feels safe though, beomgyu tells himself, nothing at all like last time. maybe rebuilding something, then. 

they play the most highschool of games; truth or dare, spin the bottle, never have i ever, and it’s fun. so easily, unapologetically fun. he feels wrong to enjoy it as much as he does. 

body tense, even when he’s smiling genuinely, used to be more than he could ever ask for, but now he’s greedy. maybe kai and taehyun are, too. 

“dare.” beomgyu’s answer is confident. none of the other dares have been anything outlandish, just bizarre food choices or more drinking. 

this one is, precisely, different. after all, taehyun is still their special boy for the night and anything he wishes for is beyond question or critique. 

“make out with kai then, for me.” 

it’s not something they haven’t done before, of course, but taehyun is leaning back without waiting for a response, lips tugged into a smug smile and expression relaxed- so incredibly relaxed. who could ever deny him anything at all? 

kai seems more than happy to oblige, eyes glossed over in a way that only alcohol could, already holding both arms out, implicitly screaming what are you waiting for. 

what is he waiting for? beomgyu doesn’t know. his body feels stiff, uncoordinated, ridiculous. he still lunges forward to kiss kai without question, something quick and sweet before attempting to pull away, only the gentlest pair of hands stopping him in his tracks. 

“where are you going? that’s not what taehyunnie asked for.” it’s whispered so quietly into his ear that there’s no way taehyun had heard him and beomgyu’s entire body shivers. he dives back in with a goal to stop kai from speaking, to stop him from thinking anything about him at all. instead he finds himself unable to think, hands lurching for kai’s neck as if on instinct, burying the tips of his fingers into the ends of kai’s hair. 

he finds, then, that maybe taehyun is too smart for his own good. almost immediately, he feels his entire body relaxing- settled by kai’s hands steadying him onto his lap. almost as if instinctively, the other doesn’t touch anything that could set beomgyu off in any way. his hands are on his hips, wandering only to circle his skin through the ridiculously thick fabric, and beomgyu finds that he likes it a lot.  

beomgyu circles his arms around kai’s back without his fingers leaving the other’s hair and sighs into his boyfriend’s mouth- barely registering that it’s the first time he’s ever made out with either of them like that. 

by the time they break apart to pant against each other’s lips, beomgyu has all but forgotten that this started as part of a dare, nor how he ever got to be this settled into kai’s lap in the first place. taehyun is the first thing that registers back to him when he regains enough awareness of himself, the smugness long gone. instead he stares at them with something similar to awe, eyes not leaving even when beomgyu’s gaze meets his own. 

he looks back at kai to find the other still staring at him, unmoving, then smiles. 

“taehyun-ah?” 

it takes a second of hesitation before he hums in response. 

“truth or dare?” 

his eyes return to find taehyun’s, trying to implicitly prompt him into picking the one he wants him to. he sees the other boy shake his head slightly, as if to return to his senses, then swallow. 

“dare.” 

beomgyu’s grin widens, pleased, then climbs off of kai’s lap to gently guide the other forward. 

“your turn, then!” 

there’s no level of resistance from kai who seems to barely register the words until taehyun swings one leg over his lap, much less timid about the physical proximity. beomgyu suddenly understands taehyun’s breathless awe the second he sees them kiss, although maybe it’s not the exact same kind. 

the both of them move in a way that makes it obvious just how long they’ve been together, a sort of ease that he loves observing. there’s no hesitation when taehyun’s hands fall against kai’s chest, not afraid to take up space, and kai in turn doesn’t wait for permission to go for his boyfriend’s waist. 

it’s once again not jealousy, or even longing, he realises- beomgyu just loves seeing their intrinsic level of comfort around each other. in a sense, because it makes him happy, but also for the knowledge that he, too, will one day fit around them with the same level of normalcy. it’s not a question of if, but when and he takes great pride in that fact, a primal sort of giddiness. he doesn’t know how he would’ve taken it if kai had immediately gone for his waist like that, but he likes knowing that he wouldn’t have to worry about it either. even tipsy, kai hadn’t seemed like he was even considering doing anything else and that’s something that grants him a deep feeling of safety- just like the fact that he knows if he had shown the other that he’d have liked that, kai would likely not have failed to fulfil the request happily. 

the unease of the previous hour or so entirely gone, beomgyu decides that he needs another shot to deal with this. 

when they let back up again and taehyun immediately takes this opportunity to rest between beomgyu’s legs to lean onto his chest, beomgyu is just glad to note that taehyun seems a lot better. 

the next morning, taehyun wakes the both of them up when he’s already dressed and ready to leave. well, beomgyu did wake when taehyun got up but got convinced pretty quickly into going back to sleep with the other’s reassurance and kai’s arm instinctively draping over beomgyu’s stomach instead, burying his head into his neck. he’s still yet to get used to this whole cuddling thing but moments like this make it fucking euphoric. 

kai seems much more out of it between the two of them, only reaching his arms up for taehyun to give him a hug and then kisses the older boy on the cheek. 

“text me when you’re coming back?” he thinks kai asks, though his words are barely comprehensible. he only gains a smile and nod in return. 

“where are you going?” 

“i have an appointment a few cities over, so i probably won’t be back until afternoon.” 

he’s too tired to question the specifics, so he only nods and sits up to pull taehyun into a hug as well. 

“have a nice day,” he says and receives a kiss in return. such a nice way to start the morning. 

him and kai are too disrupted by taehyun’s departure to seriously consider going back to sleep, so they just sit there in silence for a few very drowsy minutes, heads leaning against each other’s. 

they barely say anything of substance when they decide to make some breakfast, working alongside the other with a quiet domesticity, the ease of which warms his entire chest. 

it’s only while eating that they decide to break their quiet spell, voices still soft and volume tiny. 

“are you gonna stay for the day?” kai asks, free hand toying with beomgyu’s fingers like he can’t stand being physically apart for even a second. 

“i’m not on shift today so, if you don’t mind, yes.” 

kai beams at him, entire face shifting with emotion and he already knows the answer before kai enthusiastically agrees. 

“it’s just that soobin asked to come over today and i wanted to make sure if you’re okay with seeing him before it gets much later.” 

there’s a certain quality to kai’s words that tells implicit meaning and beomgyu picks up on it so easily it surprises even himself. 

“don’t worry,” he assures, “i’d love to see soobin again.” and he sincerely means it. 

it’s otherwise a very normal start to their day- kai shows him a new video game he bought and they talk about plans and upcoming things in a way that strangely never seems to get tiring. 

then, soobin arrives. 

“beomgyu,” he greets, deadpan. it almost makes him self-conscious. 

“so… you’re actually dating?” 

he almost barks out a laugh that he’s not sure would’ve been appropriate. 

“uhm…,” he begins, looking for kai’s gaze who seems busy glaring daggers at the newcomer, “yeah, we are.”

it occures to him that this is the first time he’s actively told somebody else that information. not that he wouldn’t be more than happy to shout it from the rooftop if prompted, but more that he, quite frankly, doesn’t have anybody else to talk to about it. 

that seems to placate their elder for the time being, going along with their proposal to continue on with kai’s new game, eventually switching to a new one between laughter and conversation. beomgyu remembers for the first time just how fond he was of soobin when they first met- how incredibly easy he was to talk to. if he ever met soobin on the street, he wonders how they would greet each other. if the other would ever want to hang out, just the two of them. maybe he needs some new friends. 

kai leaves for the bathroom at some point and through all his overcomplication, soobin turns to him with a conspiratorial look as though they’ve been scheming best friends for years. 

“i mean no offense to any involved party, but i absolutely cannot believe you guys are actually dating.” 

“you mentioned,” he jokes, “but why not?” 

soobin gives him a lot that just about screams are you serious right now and sighs. 

“okay, imagine this. your best friend tells you he has a crush on this random guy he met at a train station or something. we all think it’s really cute or whatever so yeah sure- we’re down to orchestrate the whole party thing-”

soobin stops in his tracks, eyes comically wide. he giggles in response, assuring the other he already knows all about it, though that doesn’t make the initial look of horror any less funny. 

“well, anyway, big small party or whatever. junnie shows up overdressed but it’s all good ‘cus like you actually turned out to be a super cool guy and all that. so we leave and all is well and- even while we were leaving! me and jun were like talking about how cute the crush thing is and debating if he has a chance and stuff, right? and then the literally next thing we know, like honest to god next update-”

soobin gestures at him wildly, like he’s uncovering a great government conspiracy. 

“you’re all dating! apparently! now at first we thought it was a joke for sure except taehyun doesn’t make jokes like that so either you’re batshit insane or they’re picking up your signals way wrong, right? but then it just keeps going and now well, this, so… what the fuck.” 

beomgyu blinks in response, not quite sure how to deal with soobin’s animated account. just for a moment. 

“hi, i’m batshit insane and was, in fact, the one who thought i was picking up the wrong signals.”

soobin copies his pause of just blinking and staring, then groans. 

“i’m so serious, can you imagine the same thing from my perspective? i meet a random guy in a grocery store, suddenly get invited to meet a bunch of strangers and next thing i know is i made out with two guys i barely knew for a day and am super into them. how did i get here?”

suddenly, without any alcohol in his system, simply enthralled by soobin’s sheer aura, he decides he’s not done here. 

“not to mention! that’s before i even find out they’re dating and the only reason i did is because taehyun was super drunk when he confessed to-”

kai couldn’t have picked a worse time to somehow resurface, cutting their argument short- apparently much more to soobin’s disapproval than his own. 

“dude! we were having a convo over here?”

kai takes his seat next to beomgyu unflinchingly. 

“this is literally my place.” 

they mutely agree to put this conversation on hold for the time being as kai boots the game back up.

“can we like, make this a drinking game because i honestly need something to distract myself.” 

beomgyu looks at kai. only one chance to be young and dumb, he supposes. 

he learns a lot about soobin over the next few hours. neither kai nor him get especially intoxicated, but that seems to not be the case for soobin, who he quickly learns has a much lower alcohol tolerance than them. his main source of new information comes from soobin being one too many shots in, revealing to him that soobin has been dating yeonjun for however-how-long and had apparently been the main reason for him changing his major to be closer to them. a hilarious update on one of the first pieces of knowledge he gained of soobin. currently, they’re apparently having issues over some very petty scuffle that even beomgyu himself can tell will blow over in about approximately two minutes flat the next time they meet each other. he’s about seventy percent sure that soobin knows that as well and is just here to vent, but the lightheartedness of the situation makes all of this very endearingly funny to witness. 

“do you guys think i’m being too harsh on them?” 

soobin seems genuinely a little vulnerable asking, but beomgyu’s not in any way exaggerating when he corroborates kai’s immediate insistence that no and also it’s really nothing that bad and adds that he’s doing well. 

a few rounds of gaming later soobin looks about ready to fall asleep, but is apparently not sober enough to sleep things off and instead insists on calling jun right that instant to ask if he’d pick him up and also make up right on the spot. 

it’s a little sweet when yeonjun pulls up less than ten minutes later with reassuring whispers and steadying hands. 

“i think he got things off his chest,” he hears kai say, after soobin has safely been escorted inside the car, “so don’t worry too much.” 

yeonjun simply huffs in return and honestly, beomgyu didn’t think they’d even have the thought to so much as greet him. entirely wrong assumption on his part, apparently. 

“beomie!” 

like with soobin, it’s like they’d known each other for a lot longer than a single evening. he’s not complaining in the slightest when the other throws their arms around him. 

“it’s great to see you- i hope the little ones have been taking good care of you?”

he laughs, almost shell-shocked. good care? they’ve taken the best of cares, done anything and more he could’ve ever imagined. he wonders how he could possibly convey to yeonjun that he’s not sure he’ll ever know how to repay that kindness. 

“of course! i’m glad to see you, too.” 

“we should all really hang out more, i hope we’ll meet up soon.” 

and with that the both of them are gone, leaving just kai, him and their unfinished, paused level. 

first thing either of them do is clean up after the mess they made, even though it’s minimal. 

“so,” beomgyu starts, their first round back in,” do they fight a lot?” 

kai shakes his head, “not at all, i think that’s why soobin was so… rattled.” 

beomgyu wonders what their fights are going to look like, in some distant future. it would probably get more complicated between three people, picking sides and whatnot, but beomgyu sincerely and ardently hopes that they will be just like soobin and jun- arguing over simple misunderstandings that everyone can tell they’re going to resolve in a day or two. the kind of fights where one wouldn’t hesitate to still call the other and know they would take care of you without a doubt. 

“i think it’s cute.” 

it blurts out without thought or necessary contest, but kai only grins in return.

“precious, right?” 

it’s not much later when taehyun arrives, finding them halfway through a new bottle chattering tipsily over their controllers. 

“tyunnie!” he yells out, enthusiasm only matched by kai’s simultaneous shout of ‘taehyun-ah!’

he can clearly make out their boyfriend eyeing the bottles and setup, then chuckling. 

“i see you two had a good time while i was out?”

instead of falling for his teasing remark, they both begin to recount their morning, the meeting with soobin and how they eventually ended up just gaming and waiting for taehyun to come back. 

he seems more endeared than anything by the end of their rant, which beomgyu notices with utter giddiness and a bright smile to boot. 

when he beckons taehyun to come closer and join them, it seems it’s barely a thought for the other to comply- ready to be seated and invest himself in whatever the two of them are asking. a surge of happiness passes through him and leaves behind nothing but light. 

he forgets to ask about how the appointment went or what taehyun had been up to. 

it’s not the next day or even a day later that taehyun brings it up. so, truthfully, beomgyu has forgotten all about the appointment taehyun went to- or what else he could possibly want to talk about- when he asks him into his room one day. it strikes him as odd then, that he’s addressing only beomgyu when both of them are home. kai immediately retreats without question like he’d already been clued in on something. 

he knows it couldn’t be anything serious, relationship-wise, else kai would be here having this conversation with them. but other than that, beomgyu can only think of one topic that taehyun would want to talk to him about one-on-one like this. seeing as it’s not a very pleasant one, he settles himself in for something more heavy. shifts into something less easy. 

“hyung… there’s something i’ve been wanting to ask you about.” 

he only hums his assent, trying to school his expression into something kind, something open. 

“i’m being careful because i know this is a very sensitive topic for you, so please feel free to shut me up anytime.” 

ah, so. perhaps he just then realises this is about him. slight change of plans, though obvious in hindsight, so he reroutes a little. 

“go ahead. you’ll know if you need to stop.” 

he obliviously adds that last bit, the afterthought blurting out like muscle memory- like something pre-programmed. he realises it’s true just then, too. taehyun would know. 

his boyfriend’s eyes glaze over like the words meant something to him, but it’s gone just as quick. beomgyu loves knowing him so well. 

“well! i’m not a psychiatrist and i’m just yapping as someone who cares about you, but i promise i’ve done a lot of research before this, so..”

he almost chuckles then, somehow finding it within himself to find the rambling adorable, despite everything. instead, still feeling a little too on edge, he simply nods.

“it’s okay, just tell me.” 

taehyun smiles, taking his hand into both of his. he tries to make the action seem casual, moving closer as if it had just occurred to him with the movement. beomgyu knows he’s trying to extend comfort.

“i personally think your… mental headspace could really improve if you went on hormone treatment.”

taehyun manages to speak the words decisively, though the evident pause afterwards to gauge his reaction tells him more than enough. truthfully it’s also the only thing actively keeping him from feeling treated like an embarrassing child. so if anyone else had approached him with this, he doesn’t know what he’d have done except probably lost it- but this is taehyun. and his taehyun gets it. so he waits. 

“i want it to be clear that it’s totally cool and normal if that’s something you don’t want to undergo, or even if you just want to wait. but… i’ve been wondering if you actually do want to and just can’t access it for some reason.” 

beomgyu wishes he had any kind of response at the ready- anything that’s not quite as pathetic. then, the earnest expression on the other’s face suddenly reminds him… this entire situation is so much like him not long ago, trying sincerely to comfort taehyun about his own issues. not really knowing what to say or how to act. just wanting to make things easier. 

he inhales slowly. 

“i’m ashamed to say it. but it’s… you, so i guess,” he mumbles through his first attempt at words, until taehyun’s hold on his hand tightens firmly. a silent pillar of reassurance. 

“my family is… accepting, but only in the loosest of ways. sometimes they address me as i requested them to and they definitely wouldn’t oppose me if i ever asked for anything in regards to… progress. i got my legal name changed and all that but… beyond straight-forward procedures, i don’t understand how to do anything to get actual treatment.” 

beomgyu chuckles breathlessly and notices the sound coming out a little wet. it disgusts him- the way he’s acting. 

“i wish it was that i couldn’t afford it or whatever, but the truth is that despite all my efforts and asking around unknowing therapists and annual pride parades, i just can’t seem to make any progress on actually getting anywhere with it.” 

taehyun opens his mouth as if to respond and beomgyu can’t breathe well enough to stop him verbally, so he just grips the other’s hand tighter, uncomfortably tight, and tries desperately to get a fucking grip.

thankfully, taehyun gets it. he wordlessly untangles one hand to stroke his back, his hair, then his cheek and just waits. unhurriedly, like he’d spent the entire day doing just this, like he’s reserved his whole day just for this. 

“the thing is… i couldn’t care less about what some stupid papers say my name is. i don’t give a fuck about being ostracised or disowned, i just want… to feel like this thing i’m wearing for a body feels a little more like it’s mine. like me, or just… even if my voice doesn’t change as i want it, or whatever, i just-” 

taehyun interrupts him silently, without force, by doing nothing more than giving him a certain look and soft swipe against his cheekbone. 

“it’s really, honestly nothing to be ashamed of in the slightest and i get it more than you might know. it’s just… i’m sorry for not being the most supportive right now- but i’m just so glad i was right.” 

he suddenly feels at ease all at once, the sheer impact of taehyun’s voice being so unbothered and light, almost relieved, overwhelming him. in an instant, he doesn’t feel like crying. 

“right about what?” he asks instead.

taehyun moves to fully face him, taking both of his hands vigorously. 

“a few days ago, i had my monthly checkup. i know how hard all of this is for you and thought about it a lot, so i did my own theorising based on everything you said and- doesn’t matter,” he, honest to god, giggles, “i assumed your reason for not seeking professional treatment was something like this. i mean, we know you work, so it could’ve also been financial and we also discussed that but- anyway! i asked my doctor if there were any spots left open in the clinic and… since i’m a bit of an acquaintance…”

taehyun inhales like this is hard for him and not the other way around. 

“i’m saying that, if you’d want it and you can really take your time with this, i could offer you an appointment in a clinic specialising in all this… treatment stuff.”

he seems ready to add more. even more insanity. beomgyu feels faint. 

without warning or thought or conscious action behind it, he starts crying anyway. tears streaming down his face unstoppably, a feeling in his chest so unbearably tight and painful it makes him want to scream, to get it out. 

his boyfriend immediately startles, expression panicked, seemingly panicking in terms of what to do- but all of it barely registers to him. instead he throws his arms around taehyun, squishing him against the bedding, uncaring of however the fuck his body is situated or prodding against the other boy’s. 

taehyun gets it a second time then, holds him and vibrates with shared unadulterated excitement.

“when i met you two,” he starts eventually, his voice horse, “i thought it couldn’t get any better than that, because it felt like heaven. then everything that happened just got better and better and somehow better still. i’ve never been so carefree before, so close to happy, and it doesn’t matter if the appointment thing doesn’t work out- now you’re here just offering me something like this and… thinking about all these things…”

taehyun seems pleased just hearing him talk, rubbing his cheek against his like a cat. beomgyu can almost imagine him purring. he’s about to cry all over again, overcome with so much emotion. 

“on a scale of one to ten, how likely do you think you would say yes if i proposed to the both of you right now?”

taehyun stills, halts all movement, frozen over entirely for a full moment. 

“kai!” he yells, “can you come here?”

he arrives in a second, chest heaving, “yes? everything okay?”

end of the story is taehyun teasing him into repeating his last embarrassing, mindless sentence in front of kai. it’s lighthearted, though the way his cheeks burn a flushed red is definitely very real. 

when he’s eventually forced to admit to what he said, both of them assure him that if he somehow turned up with rings, they’d gladly get engaged to him on the spot and just stay that way for as long as things take. 

beomgyu sleeps at his place that night, purely because he’s truly too embarrassed to be comfortable spending an entire night giggling to himself and adamantly screaming into pillows in their presence. 

when it eventually comes to the actual appointment, time passing has inevitably brought them all closer. naturally, they both accompany him to the clinic, cuddling up to him until the very consultation room. 

the initial conversation with the doctor takes a lot out of him. when he gets instructed to return to the waiting room and wait for follow-up tests, he’s shaking all over like a leaf. blood frozen over, ice cold. he’s never been this glad to see taehyun and kai in his life. they hold his hands until they regain a bit of warmth, their grounding presence supporting him more than anything else really could. 

the examination includes a bunch of things he’d really rather not do, but goes along with seamlessly- silently chanting his final goal like a mantra through it all. however, as he’s told to wait one last time for the day, he’s informed that he can take someone with him for the blood withdrawal. which he would really greatly prefer. 

only one person though. the prospect overwhelms him.  

“it’s okay gyu,” taehyun says, “it’s up to you and we’ll be right back together in a minute anyway.” 

for some reason his logical thought process pulls him towards taehyun, who knows what this is like, because taehyun gets it. but then, an impulsive part of him speaks, before he can even analyse it, “hyuka, would you…”

he barely manages to finish the sentence, though he doesn’t really have to. kai takes his hand, unwavering and steadying, though he sees the look of surprise that flickers over the other’s face for a long second before he gets up. 

while they make their way there, he’s still not sure as to whether he even had a reason as to why. but when a nurse comes in and he starts to get increasingly nervous, he easily understands that it had to be kai. his first; sweet and sincere and supportive in a way he knows only kai could manage to be. inexplicably, kai; with whom it feels easier to be the one taken care of. 

his boyfriend starts talking about this lecture he had, something he very briefly mentioned loving, and goes back over it in great detail. beomgyu has asked to hear more about it before, but hearing kai speak of it now abruptly robs him off all of his panic. suddenly there’s a very deep-sated contentment that festers within him. something so close to happy it chokes him for a moment. 

he’s here. and he somehow did it, getting here. two boyfriends, an utter calm within himself he’s never thought possible, a real, tangible way to get actual treatment. he’s so close. he’s almost there. 

and them. he has them. no matter what may happen, no matter what comes next. 

beomgyu smiles before the nurse can even finish putting the bandaid on him, thanking him earnestly before leaving the room with kai. 

first thing he does is take both taehyun and kai by the hand and lead them out of the building. 

“you guys have around ten minutes to come up with something you really badly want to do as i smoke until my limbs stop shaking and then i’m taking you both onto whatever date you want to go on.” 

he smiles so brightly as he speaks that he can barely see their faces, but apparently beomgyu sounds convincing enough that they simply salute him and go straight into conspiring. he loves his boyfriends so very much. 

the burning in his lungs chokes him and for the first time he finds it an unpleasant side-effect. in response to the ache, he simply stretches.