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DENIAL
Viktor stared blankly at the letter, the words on the page were making sense but somehow making no sense to him at the same time. A wave of numbness hit him over and over again as he read each word.
“It looks like the Board has appointed a PhD candidate, this seems fairly recent. Very sorry, this means that you were not successful this time, I’m afraid.”
He had enquired to Professor Heimerdinger for two days straight about an update for a PhD project he had applied to four months prior. It was perfect for him, he would fit in no questions asked. He had spent the last few months envisioning himself there, at that laboratory, working alongside such an esteemed professor that he had worked with previously during his undergraduate degree on a four year PhD project in a subject area Viktor spent a year doing a Masters in at a different laboratory to really specialise in what he believed in academically.
Heimerdinger had reached out to him to describe this new project he would like to have a PhD student undertake and that Viktor should apply. He even gave him some papers to read so that he could better understand the specifics of the topic and off Viktor went, smiling with glee that he would be returning to academia.
At that point Viktor was working in a laboratory that was funded by a private investor that was seated at the Piltover Council, it was a corporate laboratory. Sterile. Business first, science later. Using dated machines and methodology to maximise profits whilst the workers were provided with scraps as a wage. He decided to give the corporate lifestyle a go after his Masters sucked his soul from him. It was a year of intense study that he spent mainly in isolation trying to keep afloat the never ending pile of assignments, experiments, poster conferences and not to mention presentations in front of industry giants, so this job was his ‘down time’ to let his scarred brain catch up with itself. Yet after a year of being at the job, he was desperate to get out. Doing the same tasks day in and day out with no reward at the end of it was drilling him into the ground, he had no room to explore his theories or even anyone to discuss them with. He had an itch that he knew only academia could scratch.
So this wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to go like this, end like this .
He shook his head again, thinking he must have misunderstood the letter. His hand found his furrowed brow and his eyes started reading the same sentence again.
ANGER
There were not enough curses in any language for Viktor to mutter to himself throughout the week. Every time he would catch himself in an elevated mood, he would utter some sort of curse word and scold himself for not focusing on the important task at hand.
This task being picking up the pieces of his carefully planned life that he had envisioned now shattered in front of him like a cold beaker that had boiling water poured into it. The blast was sudden and unexpected, now there’s a mess to clean - a sharp and invisible mess. The damage only manifested as a representation of his dwindling mental health.
He spiralled, simply put.
The months he had spent researching about what to expect in a PhD interview - wasted. The answers he meticulously prepared used to sit on his desk, ready for the summon for an interview he was anxiously awaiting that never came. They now live in the damp drawer of his desk as if on standby in case this was all a horrible mistake.
The ideas he wanted to bring on board to better develop the study, the external academics he knew from around Runeterra that could've been involved, all these unexplored theories were all on hold now. Ideas suspended in time as the mere thought of them made Viktor feel sick.
He sent letters to a dear researcher friend of his, Sky, for support, reassurance, anything. The two met when they were both undergraduates and shared a laboratory space during their respective final projects so the two had a close scientific bond so to speak. Sky had moved across the region during his tenure away for his Masters as she found a research fellowship that ticked all her boxes. Viktor couldn’t help but be proud and excited for her but he grew to spite her on occasion as he struggled to grasp his current academic situation. It was Sky who first floated the idea around in their letters that the PhD position could've gone to someone internally already at the Piltover laboratory as she hypothesised that because Viktor had heard nothing back it was a red flag he should be aware of. Viktor being Viktor, he had his blinkers on and he brushed this idea off, he knew Heimerdinger, he was professional and thorough, he would never do something like that. Right?
The more he thought about the idea of Heimerdinger suggesting that Viktor should apply, the more Viktor understood he was indeed only a pawn in the game and Sky was onto something. They needed someone else to apply so that it looked official but the spot was already occupied, the call was coming from the inside and he answered without thinking.
It would have never been him and yet-
That should have been him . It was his PhD, he deserved it. He was more qualified than anyone to do it.
BARGAINING
The letters, oh the letters he sent. The desperate pleas, more like. Cries for help are a way to describe them too. The tears of sadness just never seemed to stop and when they did the tears from fury took their place.
A vicious cycle Viktor could not break.
Why was he not told months ago the position would be filled internally, why did he have no interview - that’s definitely not normal academic practice. He filed an academic complaint but not that, that will do much good because someone has his PhD.
His letters were never returned. He knew his frustrations were burning bridges but his mind was just not keeping up with what was happening. Who was this ‘candidate’ that deserved a spot, no questions asked!
His pleas fell on deaf ears, no amount of ‘what if’s’ would help him. It was all beyond his control if he liked it or not. His closest circle had grown tired of the conversation after a week. Viktor had no power and yet he was trying, trying so hard to keep his head above water but no one held their hand out to help him.
DEPRESSION
Then came the silence, the fallout had settled and there was no more noise in his head.
He concluded that he had quit his job prematurely, handed in his notice of resignation with full intent of having this project lined up for him right afterwards.
Now, he sat at his desk in his apartment with no job, no income and no future. Yet the world moves on, his bills will need to be paid soon, he will need to get groceries soon but it’s not like he had the appetite to stomach anything other than his own thoughts but the thought of even moving from his desk made him feel sick. He felt stuck, glued to his seat as the world moved on. Viktor wanted to shout, let the world know what happened to him, he wanted more people outraged yet no words ever escaped him. He was numb.
He was given a name eventually, it trickled down to him on the grapevine on a day where he actually felt like he was ready to pick up the pieces of that beaker he had been ignoring.
Jayce Talis.
It rolled off the tongue so easily. He envied this invisible presence, he was angry all over again but the anger never came to a boil. It simmered and died down, there was no energy to boil his anger anymore, the sadness made sure of that, it dampened each thought he had throughout the day.
Jayce Talis.
What did he have that made him better than Viktor? Why did this Jayce think of a project so perfectly adapted to Viktor’s academic qualifications? Was it even because Viktor was from Zaun?
Viktor expanded each question that popped into his head like they were each an individual study. Sometimes he would ponder on a question multiple times just to get those scientific replicates in. He would sit at his desk for hours, staring blankly out the window if you or I saw him but his mind was a maze of thoughts and theories only he could justify spending energy on.
The more he thought the less he moved, his hair had become unkempt, his eyes sagged and his skin was whiter than usual. Each day chipped away at him more slowly he knew he was becoming a husk of his former self.
ACCEPTANCE
Viktor saw him at a conference once, that Jayce Talis , surrounded by members of the Council of Piltover. Viktor stood on the sidelines, with every blink his vision betrayed him by imagining him standing in Jayce’s spot. He shook his head gently and looked away at the other students who were at the poster conference, he knew he had no right to be jealous. Jayce did come up with the project after all, Viktor was too slow.
“Uh, hello-” Viktor’s eyes slowly mulled back over in the direction of the noise in his ear. He blinked hard, twice , Jayce was in front of him, looking rather sheepishly around them. Viktor saw Jayce’s mouth moving but it was almost like his brain blocked out whatever he was saying.
“Can I help you?” Viktor’s words came out with more venom than he expected, he thought it was bold of Jayce to come up and speak to him but he wanted to keep him near to see what was the purpose of him ruffling Viktor’s feathers. Jayce looked at him perplexed as if he was just plucked from his train of thought.
“You’re Viktor right? Look, I’m sorry I didn’t know it woul-”
Viktor put his hand up to stop Jayce speaking, the poor man looked so flustered, Viktor almost pitied him, he had a nice looking face after all but his current expression resembled that of a puppy being left out in the rain for two seconds too long. Viktor had to hide the satisfaction that he felt beginning to creep up on his face as he saw Jayce’s worried expression. He would’ve liked to have thought that this whole situation plagued Jayce as much as it did Viktor but he knew he needed to be the bigger person.
Viktor put his hand on Jayce’s broad shoulder and leaned on him as he steadied his walking stick ready for as swift of an escape as his legs could offer him. “Maybe in another universe we would have been partners on this project but this is on you. I look forward to seeing your data in a few years.” He left it at that, he saw Jayce try to form some words but his mouth only stayed slightly agape as he watched Viktor hobble away.
Maybe there was a universe out there where they discovered greatness together but it was not this one.
With that thought, Viktor accepted his fate and prayed to any God that would listen to grant him the opportunity to just have one fair chance in academia.