Work Text:
Ocean waves crashed against the shore, never truly allowing the night to go silent. Far above, the full moon illuminated the dark, roiling waters. Sea spray misted across Krory's face where he sat on a bench set just past the treeline. Sheltered from prying eyes or ears, he was allowing himself the deep sorrowful cry that he rarely had. Sure, he cried often in the vicinity of the others, but nothing like this. Nothing like these deep wracking sobs that made him hiccup and cough. In these moments on the outskirts of HQ, he let himself feel all of the grief and horror and fear and longing that he tucked away normally.
Unfortunately, his sobbing meant he didn't hear the crashing through the woods until two bodies were storming out onto the rocky beach a little further down from where he sat. One shouted, "You don't get it!"
Krory jolted, immediately going silent as he slapped a hand over his mouth. He tracked the pair, recognizing Allen from the flash of moonlight off white hair. The second person he could tell was Kanda, both from his stature and the long length of black hair streaming out behind him. This was only confirmed when the swordsman snapped back.
"Then fucking explain it to me!" Kanda sounded frustrated, though not truly angry. In all reality, Kanda hadn't sounded angry since returning with gold livery instead of silver. He'd only sounded resigned since then. His interactions (disagreements… arguments… fights) with Allen seemed to be the only time Krory saw any real emotion take hold of him. "Just because we spent the last few months in each other's back pockets doesn't mean I suddenly understand everything that goes through your head!"
Eyes wide, Krory watched with mounting trepidation as Kanda gripped Allen's shoulder and jerked him around.
Or maybe Allen spun on his own. He was steady on his feet and pushing back into Kanda's face even as he ripped out of his grip. "I'm not real! Don't you get it? I'm not a real person!" he all but screamed.
"What does that have to do with us?" Kanda snapped back, gesturing between their chests, "What does that have to do with this?"
"Everything! It has everything to do with us!" Allen turned again, once more propelling himself towards the icy winter waters.
Krory almost got up to stop him, but he wasn't sure he wanted to interrupt whatever this was. Allen so rarely showed any emotions anymore, even less than Kanda. Something in him knew that this had been a long time coming, Allen simply a bubbling kettle waiting to boil over. Apparently, Kanda had provided that tipping point.
"How?" Hand wrapping around an inky black wrist, Kanda yanked Allen to a stop at the surf's edge, saving him from the waters. He wasn't yelling anymore, but they were still close enough that Krory only had to strain a little to hear. "Explain it in terms I'll understand."
"I'm not a real person," Allen repeated and hiccupped, shoulders hitching suddenly. His face was turned away, but Krory knew he was crying. "I'm some godforsaken amalgamation of a person. I'm the reason Lavi became Bookman's successor. I'm the reason Bookman lost the previous successor, the previous Lavi, in the first place. I'm not even supposed to be an accommodator!"
Kanda remained silent, staring. His hand slid down, fitting against Allen's.
Allen continued to ramble, vigorously rubbing the back of his arm across his eyes. "The reason I can't remember my parents or anything before the circus is because I didn't have any. I don't have any family! I'm just sewn together from two people and a piece of innocence! I'm not a real person!"
"Do you think I'm not real then?"
Everything about Allen went still, they all went still. The only movement came from the rolling waves. Finally, his head jerked up. "Of course, I think you're real, Kanda! Why would you say that?" His arm dropped.
"I don't have parents either."
"But you did!" Allen protested, hand jerking back and pulling Kanda closer, "You had parents in your prior life!"
"But not in this one. My body was grown in a test tube that my brain was transferred into. I woke up already nine-years-old. How is that any different than you?"
Allen growled in a way Krory had never heard before, and his eyebrows rose in surprise. "But it is! It is different!"
"How? What makes someone else real and you not?" Kanda was far calmer than Krory had ever heard. Purposeful in his words. Pragmatic. Walking Allen through whatever was going on. It was almost... kind, and not for the first time, Krory wondered what had happened in their time away from the Order.
Allen's frame was still taut, chest heaving. "Two lives were snuffed out to make me. I'm just a weapon. My purpose is to be Nea's vessel or destroy him. That's it."
Kanda pulled his hand from Allen's but immediately lifted both of his hands to cup his face. "You have memories and experiences, memories that you made on your own. You've lost and loved and fought. That's what makes a person. Not how we got here." The tension fled from Allen's body, and he crumbled into Kanda. "You're as real to me as I am to myself. And if you're not real, then neither am I."
Swallowing, Krory didn't know what to do. This exchange was so incredibly private, and yet he had no way of escape. At least, none that he could think of. He would need the ocean to mask his departure. Not only that, but he didn't know if he could look away either. The kindness of Kanda's words and touch, the shattering of the ever put together Allen, the way Kanda held Allen as he clutched at him. These were sides he'd never seen of the pair.
Tears burned at the corners of his eyes again. Allen had been carrying this around for who knew how long, hiding it away from all of them, all of his friends and family. It twisted something in Krory's chest. Disappointment that Allen felt like he couldn't confide in them. But also a kinship. They were all hiding something. It was the way they survived with these awful circumstances.
Mostly, Krory felt so sad for the two young men just meters from him. So much rested on the shoulders of some of the youngest of them, and he didn't have a way to relieve that pressure. He was no Atlas. There was no way he could bear the weight of the world.
As the minutes ticked on, Krory watched Allen crumble to pieces in Kanda's hands. His own dropped from his mouth, and he simply observed. None of the others may ever find out, but at least he would know this side of them. Maybe that was good enough.
When Allen's sobs quieted, Kanda stood him up and wiped the tears from his cheeks. "I'm not going anywhere, don't you get it?" He asked, echoing Allen's earlier shouts, "You can push me away as much as you want, but I'm here to stay. Kick and scream and fight, I don't care. We can’t change what's already happened. What matters is the here and now."
Allen's deep inhale sounded wet, and his shoulders hitched. "You're going to get hurt," he said miserably, but he didn't release his hold of Kanda's shirt.
Kanda's voice was wry as he said, "What's new?" When Allen inhaled sharply, as if readying a response, Kanda gripped his chin. "I might not live long enough to care. For once in my life, I want to enjoy something while I have it."
"Kanda," Allen sighed but closed the distance as Kanda leaned forward.
Krory had to slap his hands back over his mouth to keep from releasing a squeak of surprise. Now that was something truly startling. Allen and Kanda? Kanda and Allen? Was that even possible? Was it plausible? Was he hallucinating? But then again, why would he be hallucinating this?
Long moments passed where they didn't pull apart. In fact, Allen's arms slid around Kanda's shoulders, seemingly holding him close. When it was clear they weren't going anywhere anytime soon, Krory slipped over the back of the bench as silently as possible, and returned to HQ. Knowing that sleep would evade him after that display, he found himself in the dining hall.
Lenalee and Lavi sat at a table, heads held in their hands and hung over steaming cups. Sleep was a commodity that few of the Exorcists managed to hold these days. Even less so for Lavi when he returned along with the others. After retrieving a cup of his own, he joined them.
Lenalee yawned as he sat down. "Hello, Krory, couldn't sleep?"
He pressed his lips together in the semblance of a smile. "No, not really."
"You're looking a little pink there, buddy," Lavi commented, casting him a look without lifting his head, "You know, since you’re usually pale. You feeling okay?"
"Oh yes," Krory said quickly, "I was just outside by the beach, and Allen and Kanda showed up. They were… fighting."
Lenalee and Lavi exchanged a glance before smiling at him. This time, Lavi lifted his head when he spoke. "Were they fighting or fighting ? If you catch my drift."
Krory didn't need an explanation to understand the intonation in Lavi's voice. He felt his cheeks heat minutely. "Well, they were definitely fighting at first, but..." he trailed off, unwilling to put such a secret into words.
"Been there, buddy. We understand," Lavi said cavalierly, but after another quick glance at Lenalee, "But it has been a while." His words were tinged with worry.
"It's good to know some things never change," Lenalee murmured, eyes downcast as she spun a spoon around her cup. She sighed. "Things have been so different since they got back. I was worried something happened between them."
Lavi nodded, and Krory kept glancing between them. Finally, he asked, "So that's been... a thing... for some time?"
The pair nodded simultaneously. "Since before we moved HQ, I think," Lenalee said, "At least, that was the first time I caught them."
Lavi tapped his chin, glancing towards the ceiling. "That sounds about right. It was definitely after the Ark. That was around the time I first caught them too. They were so bad at being sneaky."
After a moment, they both looked at Krory again, worry etching their features. "Can you keep this between us, Krory? There's already so much going on, and people deserve to love-"
Before Lenalee could keep going, Krory waved his hands quickly. "I have no intention of saying anything. I wouldn't have if you two hadn't first. And who am I to judge? I loved an Akuma. No, their secret is safe with me."
They both sighed. "Good. I don't want another Chaoji."
Two more figures slipped into the dining hall before Krory could ask about what had happened with Chaoji. Allen approached the table as he adjusted his collar while Kanda passed them by for the tea. Krory couldn't meet their eyes as they settled in.
Finally, Allen said, "Krory, it's been some time. It's good to see you again."
He lifted his eyes just in time to see a small smile pass across Allen's reddened lips as Kanda slid him a cup. A smile of his own immediately tugged at his mouth. "Yes," he said truthfully, "It's good to see both of you again. I'm glad you're safe."
While things might have been different, Krory was sure he'd be able to spot the true differences a little better now.