Work Text:
hoseok doesn’t really notice yoongi much when he first starts working. his hair is kinda goofy, cut like a bowl and it’s a dark red, and he likes to wear baggy jeans. he is so not hoseok’s type, unlike the handsome manager kim seokjin who keeps forgetting hoseok’s name and who definitely works out, if his fitted dress shirts are anything to go by. yeah, that’s hoseok’s type, someone who wouldn’t even give him a second glance.
yoongi hangs out a lot with the other new guy, namjoon. in hindsight, hoseok’s bitter that he got to know namjoon first. don’t get him wrong, namjoon’s great and all. but he talks about things that hoseok isn’t really interested in and has no idea how to respond to. and the worst part was, he was too awkward to pick up on hoseok’s disinterest. he really does consider going on a coffee date with namjoon. but the thought of not keeping up with anything being said, and having to act like he was having a good time was unbearable. so hoseok stopped even giving namjoon the chance to make casual conversation, walked away quickly whenever he saw him coming and reassured himself that he was doing the right thing by not leading him on.
it happens, somehow, after hoseok gets back from a short trip. yoongi had cut his hair, had dyed it black and styled it up and hoseok could not stop staring. he knows he’s got a penchant for staring, always getting shoved at by his best friend jimin every time he does it. but right now he’s throwing all his shame out of the window because fuck it, min yoongi was gorgeous .
he starts hearing more about yoongi, starts actively trying to find out whatever he can. jimin tells him, quite matter of factly, that yoongi had just finished a jail sentence, that he was from a pretty well known local band, and that he was single and available. that last one was accompanied with A Look but hoseok chose to ignore it in favour of processing the information. also that yoongi was 5 years older, eventhough he didn’t look like it.
hoseok loved seizing opportunities. that was how they all found themselves having supper after work. them being hoseok, jimin, jungkook, yoongi and namjoon. hoseok’s trying not to be totally utterly smitten with yoongi but he’s just so intrigued. about his past and how he was really like as a person, but also by the sleeveless tank he had chosen to wear that showed off his slightly toned arms and this blinding smile he has that shows off his gums.
jimin and namjoon seem to hit it off from the start, but then again, hoseok is well aware of jimin’s many charms and his exemplary patience which hoseok would never claim to possess. jungkook is mainly focused on eating but he does offer something by way of conversation from time to time, and yoongi is attentive to him. and hoseok? hoseok is too busy observing how everyone is interacting, too busy trying not to look too eager to talk to yoongi and too busy feeling jealous that yoongi is not paying attention to him.
luckily he spends too much time berating himself for being petty over jungkook (jungkook!), that he refrains from doing something stupid like asking yoongi out for a drink. but the month’s schedule sees the two of them working in the same space a few times and hoseok can’t help but to punch the air in glee. 8 hours of uninterrupted time with yoongi, minus the fact that they were still working and had to deal with visitors… this was hoseok’s idea of a good time.
xxx
yoongi’s flirting with him. hoseok can tell and he feels like he can jump ten feet into the air and crash into the ceiling and then come back down like a leaf drifting in the wind. wow that was gross, even for my standards, hoseok thinks but he still giggles to himself alone in the gallery, his only witnesses a couple of oil paintings.
it’s in the way he looks at hoseok and smiles, even when hoseok has said something stupid beyond belief. sometimes he even shares the ridiculous thoughts he has, complete with flourishes of his large hands. it’s also in the way he holds out a cigarette after they’re done with their shift and he’s standing by his motorcycle looking for all the world like he could be waiting to send hoseok home.
god, hoseok knows he gets weird about liking boys. he’s always been weird about liking anyone really for that matter. weird in that overwhelming all-consuming way that seems to border on obsessive even. but it’s just, so fucking easy, to hurl himself straight into the ravine, Alice in Wonderland style and take every tiny detail as a cause for celebration.
but his ability to observe also proves a liability when he gets to see for himself how yoongi’s eyes linger on jungkook, when he hears his friends gossiping about how yoongi has been texting jungkook. hoseok still manages to find some perverse pleasure in all of this by telling himself, he’s unravelling what min yoongi likes. plus he knows that jungkook has recently broken up with his longtime boyfriend and the chances of anything happening between the two of them seem pretty remote.
so maybe some of the perverse pleasure came from the thought that, if he couldn’t be with yoongi, then at least yoongi couldn’t be with jungkook. hoseok wishes he could tell someone all of this. but it was too ugly to let out into the world. he already felt ugly enough.
the worst part is, yoongi was already attractive in his looks. but the more time they spend together, the more hoseok becomes hopelessly smitten. yoongi is so passionate when he talks about music, what he likes to listen to and what he wants to do on his own. and he’s so attentive when he listens to hoseok ramble on about art, and art school.
it’s so easy to talk to yoongi, who never interrupts and is content listening until he has something to add. he’s not like other guys and yes, hoseok is aware how goddamn cliche that sounds. but he’d only ever had girlfriends before, had lived most of his life without having to worry about boys. it had taken a couple of years before he could admit to himself, that he could like boys too.
he tells this much to jimin one night after work, as they sit by the river with bubble tea.
“i know you’ve seen me go through some boys but i don’t know jimin…. this one feels different.”
“yeah it does. for once, he seems like a good guy.”
“what do mean, for once.”
“you have a type hoseokie.”
“i don’t even want to like him. but i do and it sucks because i know it could end badly but at the same time i’m just holding out hope that it’ll be good.”
xxx
one night, as they’re both having supper, just the two of them, yoongi tells him about his time in jail. talks about how he feels disconnected from the world after a better part of a year because that’s what they do to you, isolate you from society and force you to think about the choices you’ve made in your life. he says all of it with a wry smile on his face but his eyes look empty.
“you make me feel young again seok-ah.”
“you’re not even that old.”
“yeah but i feel old. feel like i just lost a year of my life and now i’m trying to remember how to live in this world again.”
yoongi pays for hoseok’s food and he tries to decide if that was a date or not.
xxx
how the fuck did he end up here, in this bed he paid his last $30 to sleep in for a few hours? he could have called jimin after he got kicked out of his own, could have cycled to at least 2 other friends who lived nearby, but nope. he decided to waste the last of his phone battery in calling yoongi. somehow his peabrain had rationalised that since yoongi was the last person he had seen, he had to call him. had to return the lighter he had borrowed, a tiny blue thing half the size of a normal BIC.
so he called. and yoongi answered. listened to hoseok hiccup a little and laugh a lot about getting kicked out and only said, in his calming deep voice, “what’s your address?”
half an hour later they’re sat at the side of the road by the motorcycle. yoongi already has a cigarette between his teeth, has already offered one to hoseok who accepts it gratefully and he’s now digging around his messenger bag for a lighter. hoseok watches him.
“hey.”
“sorry, i can’t find my lighter.” he takes the stick out from his mouth, face apologetic.
“it’s okay. i’ve got a light.”
“oh thank fuck.” he holds out his hand for it, but hoseok simply pushes it out of the way and lights the cigarette for him.
yoongi takes a drag before he says, “that’s mine.”
“you didn’t even notice it was gone. it’s mine now.”
“seok….”
“it’s just a lighter yoongi.” he exhales his own smoke above yoongi’s head before fixing him with a stare.
“fine, take it for all i care.”
his tone shakes hoseok, makes him waver, but he tucks it back into his jeans all the same.
“i like the night time. everything is way more quiet.”
“yeah but you have a curfew. why do you even have a curfew hoseok, you’re 19.”
hoseok shrugs, choosing not to answer. it’s not like yoongi would ever understand how hoseok has had to live with a curfew for all his life while his brother can come home the next day with no consequences.
it seems easy enough to sit there for a while but yoongi soon brings up the question of tomorrow. both of them are working at 10 am and sleep is to be had if they want to survive the day. hoseok believes, for a brief fleeting moment of hopelessness, that yoongi will take him home or that they could stay out all night because that’s what people do right, when they like each other?
but of course yoongi didn’t say any of that and that’s how hoseok ended up here in this hostel. he feels so fucking stupid. if he had just stopped and thought rationally to call for help… he wouldn’t be here. he’d be at jimin’s place probably, in clean clothes after a shower. jimin would even offer to cook him ramen.
instead he had chosen to shamelessly throw himself at a boy who he’s not even sure likes him back. meaningful looks and good conversations and spending time together was all good and well but there hadn’t been an actual tangible acknowledgement that the feelings were mutual. what was this late night call supposed to have achieved? yoongi confessing under the night sky at 1 am in the morning? god, hoseok knew he was delusional but right up until now, he hadn’t known just how delusional he could get.
“why are you doing this then? why bother being nice to me and paying attention to me? don’t give me hope when there is none.”
“seok-ah… i’d be lying if i said i didn’t like you.”
hoseok’s brain, which had been racing with anticipation at finally getting an answer, sputters and then just stops. the only thing it could comprehend was the double negative and suddenly he had to work backwards just to understand the meaning of a sentence. and so his eloquent response was simply a very confused, “what?”
yoongi just gave him a look, as if to say “i’ll give you some time to digest that” and they sat in silence there as the world continued around them, people walking to the bar next to the museum and cars driving past on the road. it was getting late. hoseok’s butt was growing numb on the stone bench and he couldn’t stop wiggling his toes in his sneakers. everything felt amplified and yet, nothing felt real.
“literally what the fuck does that even mean. you can’t just say something like that to someone without explaining yoongi.”
“don’t be too happy, please. i think it means i’m still trying to figure out what exactly i feel for you. of course i care about you.”
“but you like someone else.” it echoes endlessly in his brain. he wants to hear yoongi say it himself. admit it out loud, even if its gonna hurt because at least it would be final and hoseok could stop second-guessing himself, stop looking at jungkook and seeing someone he could never be, no matter how hard he tried.
“i see the way you look at me. you’re not very difficult to read seok-ah. and i’m not… saying you can’t like me. i’m just saying it might not be the best idea.”
“why not?”
he doesn’t even look at hoseok when he says, “i’m not a good guy.”
“you only know so much about my past. i’m 5 years older than you, there’s so much more you have yet to experience in this world.”
hoseok jumps up at that. he thinks about walking away now, leaving yoongi and his half assed confession behind. he can’t unhear it now, its going to be yoongi’s voice ringing in his head throughout the rest of the night. it was supposed to make him happy god damn it hearing once and for all that his affections were reciprocated. he should be smiling hard enough to hurt. he should be texting jimin frantically all caps and question marks and keyboard smashes.
he can sense yoongi watching him cautiously, aware of how easily hoseok cries.
“stop staring at me. i’m not going to cry.”
“are you sure?”
“yes, i’m sure. are you?”
and hoseok can’t help himself, every fibre of his being is screaming not to do it but he asks anyway, “why are you even telling me all of this if you’re not going to do anything about it?”
“because you deserve to know. and i want to say thank you because it’s always an honour to be liked. but i also want to tell you that your feelings are probably because you’re lonely.”
maybe no one would hear it if hoseok screamed right now. he really doubts so. he stares at the store opposite, a storefront filled with a over a hundred statues of jesus and angels, all in various sizes and poses. he feels a certain affinity for the one that’s looking up at the sky, palms pressed together in prayer. he laughs, a little, in front of yoongi and not offering any explanation. he’s not even christian.
the art installation in this room was one that made sounds, sounds of copper pipes being hit to be exact but without any rhythm that made sense. dissonant, just like hoseok’s heart after whatever that happened the night before.
“i like you, but as a brother seok-ah.”
somehow, hoseok’s first reaction was to laugh. because everyone was always talking about being friendzoned, but of course he had to set a new record of being fucking brotherzoned. he thinks he tried talking to yoongi, maybe even pleading, but he can’t remember for sure because he wants to maintain whatever semblance of pride and dignity he has left.
and he puts up a brave front for the rest of the day, holds on to the pain like its a stillborn baby, its’ weight dead and heavy in his chest but somehow still a reminder of what he is capable of. he breaks down eventually because it gets bigger and he is dwarfed by the magnitude of sadness that he hasn’t seen in a while, not since his last breakup 2 years ago.
then inevitably, he sent hoseok a song he had composed, telling him to listen to it. bloody musicians.
xxx
about a month later, in which they both get by with polite smiles and small talk, as the universe decides to take pity on hoseok and doesn’t give him any chance to even sit in the same gallery, yoongi stops by in hoseok’s gallery at the tail end of his lunch hour. wanders around the space before he pauses in front of the desk hoseok’s sitting at.
“do you still have feelings for me?”
once again hoseok is struck dumb. only yoongi would come right out and ask someone that. as if someone’s feelings could evaporate like water, leaving behind no traces, quick and unnoticeable. how could he be so clueless? for all the times hoseok said that yoongi could understand, he was now undoing every last shred of trust because there were many ways to not be an ass when you knew someone has feelings for you and fuck, all of yoongi’s ways were terrible.
yet still, hoseok was kind enough to answer in a way that wouldn’t embarrass the both of them.
seems like yoongi has no qualms about that though, if his answer to the barrage of questions the pair have been getting is anything to go by. “so uh what’s up with you and hoseok?” “yall together?” “so like. are you two dating?”
“nope we’re not.”
xxx
hoseok spots him at school a few months later. more specifically, across campus in the opposite building. but hoseok can recognise that tiny frame anywhere. he snaps a photo and opens the chat window with yoongi, his finger hovering over the send button. he ends up sending it to jimin.
jiminie 12:05 pm
god this is so creepy
seokie 12:06 pm
i know
i wish i had an excuse but i don’t
jiminie 12:07 pm
please
for the love of god jung hoseok
do not send him this photo
remember that time i showed you a photo of him
and you cried?
seokie 12:09 pm
i have no idea what you’re talking about
jiminie 12:10 pm
JUNG HOSEOK
DON’T BE AN IDIOT
now who would hoseok be if he didn’t display blatant disregard to good ideas? he bumps into yoongi at the smoking corner later that day because it was bound to happen. not because hoseok takes every opportunity to walk past the smoking corner every time he has a break.
yoongi peers at the photo and laughs lazily. “could have been anyone seok-ah.”
“nah. i was sure.”
yoongi takes a drag on his cigarette in lieu of an actual answer, “how are you?”
“alright i guess? school’s already kicking my ass. but how’s school for you?”
“great honestly. i get to use the studio and the equipment.” he looks genuinely thrilled by this, and hoseok’s glad for him. “how’s your friend? park jimin?” another exhale of smoke. “jungkook?”
“they’re good.” was that a twinge of irritation at hearing jungkook’s name? and here he was thinking he was over yoongi, hoseok thought drily.
“yeah?”
“yeah. listen, i have to head back to class but i’ll see you around. maybe we can grab lunch sometime?”
“sure, that sounds good.”
“alright. bye then.”
they don’t ever end up getting lunch. in fact, hoseok doesn’t ever see yoongi around school. he prays its because he’s caught up in producing music now. his name only ever comes up when jimin wants to rub it in that he spent $30 on a dumb boy instead of just fucking crashing his best friend’s place. after a while, it doesn’t hurt him like it used to.
after a while of crying and wondering why he wasn’t good enough and regretting all his stupid decisions to even try.
it doesn’t hurt him like it used to.