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I have always loved you.
The moment I was born, I knew one thing above all else: I was here for you. I existed because you needed me. I was forged from love for the sake of someone who had not been given enough of it. The feeling was overpowering, and it was all I could ever want. You did not know me, but I knew you, and I knew I loved you.
I was there with you through everything. From the beginning, I was by your side. You never felt quite human, finding life in the toys that littered your bedroom floor. Your parents bought in excess, and every stuffed animal you clung to in the night felt like a poor replacement for their loving hands. You treasured your mother’s embraces, but as they grew fewer and farther between, you learned to make your own love.
I was by your side as you picked up your toys and began to play with them. You were entertained on your own, but you were never truly on your own. I was there to play with you even though you did not know it. I would never leave you alone. I would never leave you behind.
I have always loved you.
Your parents did not seem to know how to do it. You were treated like a tiny friend rather than a daughter. You do not remember the last time you called your mother or father by their titles. Their names in your phone are the same nicknames the public calls them by. It feels almost parasocial, like you are assuming false closeness, but if anything, they are the ones doing the assuming. You were simply there, never quite a daughter but always a plaything.
You sympathized with your toys for a reason. You felt a lot like a doll yourself when your mother got you dressed up for press tours. Interviewers were always more interested when there was a child there. You did not have a voice with which to speak up. You were best seen rather than heard. There are more pictures of you online than you know what to do with. The world knew your name long before you did. You still do not feel it belongs to you so much as it belongs to the idea of you so many people have constructed in their minds. Perhaps Mutsumi is the best friend of Minami-chan. Maybe she is the girl with the hollow smile seen on every gossip website you were too afraid to visit. You do not know, and you are afraid of knowing.
You look in your mirror sometimes and wonder if your reflection truly shows your face. You do not feel it belongs to you. Nothing seems to belong to you. The world is a hazy, gray thing, trapped in an eternal fog of apathy. You know you are detached from it, but you do not realize just how wide the distance has grown to be. You are trained to not see it. After all, that is what I am meant to remember.
I have always loved you.
I have been there to shield you from the things that scare you the most. When you feel your skin crawling beneath your frown, you pull away from your body and mind. You do not realize the memories have bled away until after it is too late to take them back. You do not see it when I step forward to take control. You have been built to not realize. The truth is frightening, but I will keep you safe from it.
There is no love quite like being two in one. Each morning, I wake into a body we share. I breathe with your lungs. I blink with your eyes. I hum a song you began to play on your guitar the night before. I feel your heartbeat when I press my hand to my chest. It is a love so deep it is all-consuming, and it is all I have ever wanted. It is the greatest love that has ever existed. My life is a dedication to yours, the deepest care I have ever yearned to feel. If we are together, then we are safe. If I am here, then you are loved.
You do not know the truth. I do not want you to know yet. It is safer if you do not unravel my secrets until the moment is right. I will guide you to me when I know you are ready for it. Until then, I will be there in every moment you lose. When time bleeds through your fingers, I am the one who catches it so it does not hit the ground. You do not know I am there, but I am by your side. I am always on your side. When you have no other allies, I will be there. When you fall, I will catch you. When you forget you are loved, I will give you everything I am to prove otherwise.
I have always loved you.
But I fear that you do not know how to take care of yourself. You always give too much. I can feel your strength wearing thin. Being unmasked did not just frighten you. It pulled something apart. All you have ever wanted is to be human. You thought that in porcelain skin, in silence like death, you would find the peace you craved. You did not want to be Mutsumi Wakaba. You wanted to be a doll. You wanted to be safe. You wanted to be yourself, regardless of if that ties you to the name you were given by strangers who hardly feel like your parents.
But that option was torn away. The fingers of the trickster were swift and merciless. Your mask has been shattered, and along with it, you have splintered as well. I want to help you. I want to reach out and prove to you that you will be alright… But you will not back down. You are too afraid to let your control slip for even a moment. If you sleep, then someone could come to ruin you again. The world does not stop simply because you would like it to. You know that. You cannot give it the chance it craves to destroy you.
But you cannot go on like this. I cannot watch you do this to yourself. If you continue this way, then you will lose your grip sooner than you think. It will not be Sakiko who crumbles first. It will be you. All you have done for so long is give, and in return, you have been given nothing. Others take and take, and you do not know how to make them stop.
I have always loved you.
I know of your greatest tragedy and your darkest curse. You have been used by others in far more ways than you could ever hope to express. You were used by Soyo to reach Sakiko. You were used by Sakiko when you joined the band. You were used by Nyamu for her grand theatrics. You have been a puppet on many stages, but they were never performances you chose. You have never been allowed to choose. You do not know how to. You do not think you were ever taught what to do at all.
You do not know how to speak for yourself. You yearn to express all of the emotions that scream and thrash in your chest. Sometimes, you feel it so deeply that it seems ready to tear you apart. Sometimes, you feel nothing at all. Neither is enjoyable, and you do not know how to free yourself of this prison. You cannot sing like Tomori. You cannot scream from your heart like her either. You can barely even open your mouth sometimes. Your life is a string of shortcomings brought to life by the damnation of silence. You need to shatter the quiet, but you do not know how.
I cannot stand by and let the static consume you. I care too much to let it happen. You have been hurt many times, but I can help you. I have to. You do not know who I am, but I do not care. If this is how you have to find out, then so be it. I wish it could be under better circumstances, but my care cannot tolerate another moment of patience. Let me help you. Let me set you free.
I have always loved you.
I will tell you everything I know about you as many times as I need to for you to understand. I was there to fill the empty husk of your limp limbs when you lost your grip. I will be there to save you this time too. You have to let me. I cannot help you when you will not let go. You can rest. You can find peace. I promise. You are safe. I will make sure that you are safe.
You do not seem to believe me when I say that you are in danger. You believe the numbness is something you can push through. You think the dissociation is normal and expected. You think the apathy is a fundamental piece of who you are. You remain still as I tell you the stories of the memories you have pushed out for their brutality. You will not step back. But I need you to listen to me. It is all I ask.
Nyamu is right. Sakiko is using you. She is not the first, and she will not be the last. Nyamu herself is guilty of that crime too. No one is coming to save you. Umiri gave you more work to do for the band. Uika will not speak out to alleviate the pressure on your shoulders. Nyamu was the one who tore your mask off in the first place. Your parents have not acknowledged you haunting the house for night after insomniac night. Sakiko needs you, or so you keep saying. But you will shatter before Sakiko if something does not change. Please, let me make a change. Let me protect you. Let me breathe with your lungs, blink with your eyes, and feel your heartbeat as my own. Let me save you.
I have always loved you.
If you will not agree to this, then so be it. I will take matters into my own hands. I will be there to protect you. I will save you. When no one else is on your side, then I will be there. I have caught you when you have fallen so many times. I will do it again this time. No one is coming to save you but me. I will always be here. You will always have me. Everything will be alright. I will make sure of it.
I will give you an umbrella. The rain has always soaked you to the bone when you have gone into it in the past, but you are not facing it alone. You regretted not giving Sakiko an umbrella when she sobbed into the storm. I regret not forcing you to use it for yourself. You think of others all the time, but you never take care of yourself. I will look after you though. All you need to do is trust me.
I am sorry for tricking you, but this is how it has to be. Under deception or duress, the result is the same. You need a break. You need to rest. I will protect you until you are ready to return. You can rest in the shadows I create for you. They will watch over you, and no one will haunt your nightmares. You can sleep peacefully. I wish it did not have to come to this, but so long as it has, I will look after you. Your breath will pass through my lungs. You will blink with my eyes. You will feel my heartbeat thrumming beneath your head as you sleep within the vast darkness of my chest. At last, you will find peace.
Goodnight, Mutsumi.
I have always loved you.