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It's been weeks since we crash landed here in Carcosa. Our boat had been wrecked pretty badly (thanks both to Grunkle Stan’s reckless driving and that giant fish woman destroying it with her massive spear), so I knew it was going to be a while until we could leave. And even then, I won’t be surprised if Grunkle Ford would want to stay here for more research. I, on the other hand, would like to leave this place behind as soon as possible. I don’t know how to describe it. It feels like this whole kingdom is somehow getting to my head. None of this seems real. As I walk on streets with gold shining through the cracks of the brickwork. Illuminated by alien looking street lamps. Natural…yet unnatural at the same time. Kinda like how I perceive myself here. A normal human like me is extremely out of place in a town like this. Well…ok. Maybe I’m not “normal” per say, but compared to the common folk I’ve seen around here, I’d say I’m normal. Physically, at least.
In my head, I sense that I’m going insane. A part of me that I have long kept suppressed and secret yells from its cage to be let out. Something not even my family knows about, and I pray they never know. I realize what will happen if I let that side of myself show. I’ll become a target. I’ll be shunned and discriminated against even more than I was before. My birthmark is something that is understandable. Salvageable. This…this isn’t. This will destroy me.
Before I came here, hiding it was easy. Nothing ever came up that would let it cry how it wants out and if something did, I could just run away. Cut that person I don’t need out of my life with no consequences. But I can’t do that here.
Not with him around.
Ever since he came into my life, controlling those desires became much harder. And no matter how hard I try to get away, he manages to find me. It really doesn’t help that my normal research station is on the ship, so I’ve been having to use the Carcosan laboratories to get anything done. And considering him and I have similar jobs for our respective groups, he’s almost always in the area. I’m 90% sure he’s some kind of demon, and that he’s intentionally trying to torment me. But I know that if I told any of my family, they’d say I’m just going crazy. I don’t think even Grunkle Ford would believe me. Plus, if I say ANYTHING, they might get suspicious. And the last thing I want is my sister getting suspicious, so it’s better for me to keep quiet.
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Why must I feel this way? Why can’t I just be normal? I’m a guy. I shouldn’t be having these feelings towards another guy.
It’s just…not natural…
Fuck. I’m spiraling again. C’mon, Dipper. Let’s try not to think about that right now, ok? Try and distract yourself. Look. The wildlife research center is ahead. Perhaps looking at some animals will get you in a better mood.
I think I’d like that.
I walk through the exhibits, taking my time reading up on all the information presented for each one. Midway through, I stop to take a seat on a bench. Settled right in front of the penguin griffin exhibit. I watch as they trot around and squawk. When suddenly, I hear a door open. I turn my head to see who entered.
FUCK. IT’S HIM.
He doesn’t even notice me. Too busy scribbling something down on a clipboard to even notice my presence. As he walks towards the bench.
Please don’t sit down, Please don’t sit down, please don’t-
He sits down at the opposite end of the bench
GOD DAMMIT!
Annnd here it comes. I begin to feel my heart race, as my body tenses up. I start to feel warm, despite the cold temperature in the room. I look at him.
Why?! Why are you here?! Why do you need to be here when I’m here?! Can’t you come back later?!
He stops writing and perks up. Almost alerted. He then whips his head to look directly at me, startling himself in the process.
“GYAH! Oh. Um…hi Mason.”
“Szymon...”
I try to keep a serious front when around him. I can’t let him get any signals that I might be interested. I try to keep our conversations short and cordial. Business only, one may say. But if he does get too personal, I’ll try and steer the conversation away from that and if I can’t, tell him to go away and leave me alone.
Professionally of course.
“So..uhh…any particular reason you came to the wildlife building?”
“What, do I need one? Can’t a man just birdwatch if he pleases?”
“I-I suppose he can. Apologies.”
I stayed silent. Trying my best to give off a cold stare, when I notice something in the distance.
Two adult penguin griffins with a chick. One of them preening the little one, as it happily peeps. I try and think to myself, but I accidentally speak out loud.
“Aww. What a cute little family…”
Szymon hears my comment. He turns his head to the penguins.
“Hm? Oh! Are you talking about Aspen and Frost?”
“Are those their names?”
“Yes! They’re new parents. We’ve been keeping an eye on them, but they’ve been doing pretty good in raising their chick without much interference.”
“Well, I suppose it’s just paternal instincts.”
“Yeah...I still feel bad for what happened to the chick’s mother though”
I look at Szymon in confusion.
“What happened to her?”
“Shortly after she laid, she got ill. We tried everything we could, but we sadly had to put her down.” Szymon slightly tears up
This…confuses me even more…
“I assume another female took her place then?”
“No, actually. Frost did.”
“Frost…isn’t female?”
“Nope.”
This shocked me. I thought all animals only really coupled up for the purpose of producing offspring. One male, one female. Yet these two are both male, raising a chick together.
“It’s actually not uncommon for penguin griffins to do this. Homosexual couples will take care of abandoned eggs that heterosexual couples left behind. Heterosexual couples don’t do this because they are too busy reproducing.”
I look back to the little family. The parents lay down, their chick snuggling in between them. Letting out a happy peep.
Szymon puts his clipboard down beside him and sighs
“If only people were as understanding as these guys.”
“What do you mean?” I question.
“I mean look at them. No judgement, no mistreatment, their colony just treats them the same they treat others. I-”
“I just wish Glacies was like that…”
A sorrowful look comes over Szymon, and me as well. He…he has a point. Our home isn’t that kind to those that don’t fit the mold of ‘normal’. I remember hiding my birthmark for the longest time because I would constantly get picked on for it. Wasn’t til I met Grunkle Ford that I stopped trying to hide it. I don’t know what Szymon went through, but I wouldn’t doubt that he has his fair share of trauma. After all, there’s only one type of person that runs from a society like that. And it’s the people who’ve been hurt by said society. A society that claims anything that doesn’t fit their ideals is devilish, monstrous,
Unnatural.
But then I think to myself, then speak those thoughts aloud so Szymon can hear me.
“If nature itself proves that differences are part of the natural order, then why is Glacies so against it? Why are people like us shunned and forced to change when it’s just in our nature to be different from one another?”
“I couldn’t tell you, Mason. But you’re right. If anything, those molds that they try to put us in are more unnatural than anything. And Skipper and Rico are living proof of that.”
“Huh?”
Szymon frantically tries to retract his statement
“Fuck. I said too much. J-just forget what I just said.”
“No, I get why you said Rico, but why Skipper-”
“JUST FORGET IT!!!”
I get up off the bench and throw my hands up in shock. I’m used to me blowing up at Szymon, but him blowing up at me was new. Although he seemed to quickly realize his outburst, and immediately apologized.
“I’m sorry, Mason. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that. That was uncalled for.”
“It’s…alright. I’m sorry for asking.”
“No, you’re fine. It’s just that Skipper doesn’t like to bring that up to people on his own, let alone us doing it for him.”
“Secret info?”
“Confidential. No man is allowed to know unless he wants them knowing.”
“So it’s fine if the ladies know?'
Dammit, Grunkle Stan
Szymon looks to me, unimpressed.
“You get what I mean.”
“No, I get it.”
“But that aside, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I feel as if our people have a messed up ideal on what order even is. Call me insane, but it seems as if our home country has fallen into orderline dysfunction. Bending the natural mold as they see fit. To whatever benefits them-”
I listen to Szymon drone on about home. Getting really invested in what he’s saying. That mind of his…it’s truly a wonderful thing. So many great ideas, as he speaks to me with passion. Even getting up off the bench at one point to give him space for his hands to move around. If that wasn’t enough, bits of Polish peppered his speech. A sign I could tell he was really fired up. Not in an overtly hostile way, but in a way you could tell he felt deeply for the subject matter. I find myself grinning a tiny bit, actually enjoying his company for once.
But almost as soon as it came, I snapped back to reality. Realizing what path this conversation would be headed if I didn’t get out of here right now.
“Um, I really hate to interrupt you, Szymon, but it’s getting late. I really should be getting back to my family. I don’t want Grunkle Ford to panic if I’m out too long.”
“Hm? Oh, ok. Stay safe.”
“Thanks, you too.”
“I think I’ll be fine.”
“Well, it never hurts to remind someone.”
“I suppose.”
“Night.”
“Night.”
As I leave, I take a quick glance back at Szymon, who has entered the penguin griffin pen. A chick runs up to him, joyfully peeping, as he kneels down and pets its head. I look back towards my path, smiling.
When I get back to the house, I take a peek into Grunkle Ford’s study. Turns out he fell asleep while writing in his journal. Again. I sigh and shake my head, going into the living room to get a blanket. Where Grunkle Stan is passed out on the recliner, while Mabel is sprawled out along the couch. Waddles curled up at her feet. I try carefully to not wake either of them up, as I attempt to steal from Mabel’s mountain of blankets. Thankfully, whatever they were doing earlier knocked both of them out cold, so they didn’t awake easily. So I managed to succeed in getting a blanket. I quietly walk over to Grunkle Ford, placing a blanket onto him.
“Rest well, Grunkle Ford.”
I say softly, before catching a peek at his journal.
Triangles. Triangles everywhere.
I had…many questions…but I figured they’d be best answered in the morning. As I walk up towards my bedroom. Once inside, I take my current clothes off in exchange for something more comfy. Brush my teeth, then lie in my bed in an effort to fall asleep. But all I could do was think back to my conversation with Szymon.
Was he right? More importantly, was I wrong? Was my idea of natural even a natural, rational line of thinking? Am I still locking myself in this perceived cage of judgement long after the gate opened? And if so, why?
Am I going against my own nature, just to be more palatable?
I keep asking myself these questions, before I eventually lull myself to sleep.