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The carriage stopped with a jolt, and the coachman announced that we had arrived at the castle. It was still dark, but through the windows, the horizon was already turning orange, signaling the arrival of dawn and pulling us back to reality.
Even though returning home had been my greatest wish over the past few days, the sight of Azuki left a bitter taste in my mouth. At this moment, I don’t want to get out, return to the castle, and resume my routine. Even though my heart aches with longing for Hideyoshi, I want to turn my back and run away, to a place where no one knows my name.
The carriage stops, but I don’t move. I keep my head resting on my savior's shoulder, my hands clutching the fabric of his kimono so tightly that my knuckles ache, but I don’t want to let go. It’s not fair to have to step out and face the world we belong to. I don’t want to get out and make up a story about how Mitsuhide rescued me from crazed, bloodthirsty monks and brought me back safely to Azuki. I want to tell everyone who will listen that he saved me from myself, that he almost lost his life to bring me back to the castle, that he treated my wounds and pain with reverence and devotion, and that I realized he stole a piece of my heart and kept it in his own chest. And now, even though I love Hideyoshi with all my heart, a part of me belongs to Mitsuhide, and nothing can bring that piece back.
He gently brushes his fingertips against my cheek, drawing my attention. The touch is subtle and warm, making me lift my face to meet his amber eyes, which seem to glow in the dark, reflecting the mercilessly rising day outside. We’re so close I can feel his breath on my face and the faint touch of his nose against mine.
“I wish it were different,” is all I can say. It’s a wish, a plea, a supplication to fate for more time, for a way out, a path we can walk together. I think of the wormhole that brought me to this time and wish it would appear right now to take us away somewhere far, far away, where we can ignore everything outside this carriage.
“So do I,” he replies before kissing my forehead with such solemnity that I’m certain Mitsuhide has finished locking away the love he feels for me deep in his chest. “But things are as they are, my little mouse.”
I feel the familiar sting in my face and tears pooling in the corners of my eyes.
“I wish there were a way for you to hate me. A way to make it hurt less.” I clutch his kimono even tighter as if trying to merge with the fabric, to become one with everything that touches his body. Mitsuhide covers my hands with his, his skillful fingers prying mine loose until he has our fingers intertwined. He kisses each of my fingers with care and attention, as if it’s his last chance to hold my hands with tenderness. When we step out, he won’t have this permission anymore.
“Don’t break Hideyoshi’s heart,” he asks softly, his words brushing against my skin. There’s nothing left for us now but the memories of what we were in the past few days. Nothing but the emptiness in our chests where pieces of our hearts were torn away.
“He’s strong and sensitive, and he loves you more than anything. Please, don’t hurt him.” Mitsuhide looks at me one last time and seals my lips with a goodbye kiss.
He helps me out, and we walk side by side until we reach the gates. My hands are cold from the absence of his warmth and clammy with the anticipation of what awaits me inside the castle. I want to return, I want my life back—my friends, my duties, my Hideyoshi. And I want Mitsuhide. I want to be able to run to him when I feel uncertain, to hear the protective yet threatening tone of his voice, to feel him pushing me to my limits to help me surpass them, to have his tender hands in mine. Returning is a constant reminder that I can’t have everything.
Before entering, he stops and takes a step toward me. His gaze falters, and I see a flicker of doubt in his amber eyes. Would he run away with me, far from Azuki, if I reached for his hand?
“Before it all ends, I want you to know these have been the best days of my life. I won’t let anything happen to you, and seeing you happy with Hideyoshi is more than enough to bring joy to my heart.”
I don’t have time to respond before Mitsuhide heads into the castle, forcing me to follow him quickly.
As if knowing exactly where to go, he heads straight to the council room and throws the doors open. Hideyoshi is there, sitting among the cushions, half-asleep and startled by the noise of the door.
Seeing him—my Hideyoshi, so gentle and vulnerable, sleepy and worried—makes my heart skip a beat. I cross the distance between us in a leap, landing safely in his arms. He holds me tightly, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear again.
“I was so worried,” he whispers, inhaling deeply the scent of my hair. “I was so scared of losing you, I was desperate.” His hands move to touch every part of my face, ensuring I’m truly here and not another unsettling dream. His deep, tired eyes reveal the sleepless nights and disrupted routine he endured while I was gone.
“I’m back. I’m not leaving. You won’t lose me,” I reply, mirroring his actions, kissing his face and hands to reassure him I’m here, with him, no illusion. I can feel his scent, his taste, his touch, and the safety of his embrace.
“Thank you, Mitsuhide,” I hear Hideyoshi say toward the door.
When I turn, I see Mitsuhide bow with a sarcastic smile and respond, “I only did what I was ordered to do.”