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how Being X's grand plan was ruined by 2 idiots and 1 atheist

Summary:

it was a normal day in the Immaterium, the 4 chaos gods bickering with eachother whilst enacting schemes in material space, the Imperium using The Emperor's golden light as a beacon i order to keep their empire intact, Cegorach's clown troupes trying to prevent the extinction of the Aeldari ---

"'EY MORK!!!"

"WHAT IZ IT GORK!!!"

"DERS DIS WEIRD GLOWEY THING RI' 'ERE!!!"

"SO?!!!"

"WATCH!!!" {Gork throws what looks like a piece of a discarded ship that was found in the nearby green landscape, into the "weird glowey thing"}

"WHERE'D IT GO?!?!?!"

"THAT'Z A PORTAL YA GIT!!!"

"DON'T CALL MEH A GIT!!!"

"AH'LL CALL YA WHATEVA I WANT!!!"

"DAT'Z IT!!!!"

[the two ork gods begin their [REDACTED]th fight, completely unaware that a certain blond atheist now resides within their massive green battlegrounds]

Notes:

note, while i know a sizeable amount of Warhammer 40k lore, i am a dabbler at best.

comments would help this fic grow, immensely

Chapter Text

Abyssus Quintus[] 

 

It was a dark day for the residents of the Abyssus system, for they were besieged by Orks; an entire spacehulk full of them just waiting outside of the barricades of the hive city. 

 

Even the most uneducated, uninformed, illiterate nobody, was at least tangibly aware of the sheer brutality and cruelty that the Orks embodied. Yet in the Warband besieging them, there was none of that.

 

the local nobility, the local Adeptus Mechanicus, and the Astra Militarum had been introducing mass conscription throughout the past 3 days. enough so that over 90% of the cities residents were conscripted; including Jeramiah's fellow teenagers.

 

Jeramiah had been a street kid all his life, most of the kids and teenagers on Abyssus Quintus were. The imperial governor's greed knew no limits, he had all but forced every single person in his hive world to work in his factories, producing many machines of war; in order to pay the imperial tithe. Though of course Jeramiah had no way of knowing that last part.

 

Jeramiah was conscripted, given barely 3 days' worth of training, and put to work in the fortifications.

 

It could be worse, due to his age he was put in the rear lines, rather than simply being used as a meat shield to keep the Orks at bay.

 

However, if there was one thing that Jeramiah knew, it was that the Orks attacking his homeworld, were not ordinary Orks.

 

In his limited training, Jeramiah was informed that Orks were violent, brutal, and cunning creatures of war. Ones so dangerous that if even a single mistake was made in the co-ordination of the Astra Militarum, they would win.

 

But they also made clear that Orks were, for lack of a better term, "stupid". 

 

They described the tactics that Orks, supposedly, "always used"; and how not using said tactics would result in "absolutely massive infighting". 'Key word, supposedly' Jeramiah thought to himself.

 

No, these Orks were under the command of an Ork who could actually strategize, and that was as clear as day. 

 

Instead of recklessly charging forward at the nearest soilder that moved, these Orks dug trenches and would dig tunnels to whatever fortifications the Adeptus Mechanus were able to construct, and tear them to pieces.

 

Instead of using the usual shoddy equipment, that would more often than not blow up mid-use; these Orks instead used clean, polished, and well-made equipment (if still dangerous to use, as the local scientists were able to confirm thanks to some brave scouts who brought equipment back from some deceased Orks)

 

And instead of bumbling around, simply looking for a scrap to get into; these Orks were focused, they had an objective in mind. 

 

The Orks had been seen taking prisoners, for some reason that nobody, not even the local Astral Choir, was able to guess. 

 

Jeramiah could only hope that he would survive.

 


 

Entry Number 539:

 

It has been 4 days since the damned Orks had sent across their demand. I will not surrender to those despicable Xenos, no matter their battle prowess.

 

I refuse to.

 

There is still a realistic chance that i can win this, i have plenty of war-machine stockpiled in storage, in case i am, for some reason, unable to construct enough ships to pay the tithe. 

 

It is a shame that i cannot prepare any escape pods. The damn Orks prepared some strange device that prevents anyone from leaving the planet's stratosphere.

 

I just need to hold out long enough for my scientists to get me a way off this planet, i can simply take refuge in Abyssus Primus; i own the entire system for crying out loud.

 

All i need to guarantee my reign is my documentation, a few guards, and some valuable cargo. All easy enough to transport. 


 

Entry Number 540:

 

They have made a break through.

 

While they will only be able to do so for one ship. My scientists have found a way to build something they call the "gestalt piercer", a way to quickly bypass the strange device; allowing one singular ship to escape this planet.

 

come this time 2 weeks from now, myself and several dozen others will be of this planet.

 

I just need to buy some time. I do not care if i personally butcher all of the inhabitants of my domain, they lives belong to ME, they are MINE

 

If i simply tell them that they will be holding the line to allow the Adeptus Mechanus to build a super weapon capable of turning the tide of this incursion. They are too stupid to think otherwise.

 

Everything is going according to plan, i just need to sacrifice enough of the population, to buy enough time to escape. Forget the Orks, they won't be able to leave this planet until they have turned their device off. Needless to say that won't happen until they have conquered the entire hive city. 

 

Everything is going right

 


 

Zovorak Mind-Blowa was a big Ork. Far larger then every other member of his warband ever had been, was, and ever would be. He was a large Ork.

 

Zovorak was simply relaying his Boss' orders at this moment. Around him, as he walked though his Boss's HQ, he could see Nobs working on shockingly sophisticated technology, technology so sophisticated that if the brightest minds of the Imperium, The Tau, The Aeldari, The Necrons, and even The Great Old Ones (not that Zovorak knew about the lattermost people), would struggle to comprehend what the Nobs were trying to make. In other words, Zovorak knew that that technology should not be able to work, yet somehow, it worked. 

 

As he continued to walk through HQ, he would see WEIRDBOYS flying around, PAINBOYZ working with MEKBOYZ on strange metal limbs. 

 

He would see Nobs and RUNTHERDS working together to control absolutely massive squigs that, if Zovorak recalled correctly, were captured alive from the weird space bugz. 

 

Eventually Zovorak would see a select few of the RUNTHERDS walking to 'Da Coloseam'. In tow he could see a couple of squigs pulling a few carriages.

 

Finally Zovorak arrived outside his boss' office. There he saw a surprisingly small door; something that would of confused him if not for the paradoxical fact that even though his boss is so much more powerful then him in every way possible. His boss was also the smallest Ork in the warband.

 

as Zovorak entered the office they were greeted by the sight of numerous "officers" doing "paperwork"... something that certainly confused Zovorak. Why keep track of so many recourses when they regain the entire supply after each conflict?

 

"ah, Zovorak; I need your warband for a mission". . . . The instant his boss said the word 'mission', Zovorak's full attention span was gained.

 

"YES BOSS, WHAT DO YA NEED?!!!" Zovorak exclaimed with noticeable excitement. As he laid eyes on her, he began to think. While he was very much initially confused by how after meeting his boss, he became aware of "Pro-Nouns"; an incredibly confusing topic for even the most intelligent Orks.

 

All Zovorak needed to know was that his boss, and her officers, used she/her, as they were female. While every other Ork stuck to he/him. 

 

While Zovorak was inextricably confused by the ordeal, he did what every other Ork did upon feeling that senation, ignore it.

 

His boss, ultimately, was his boss. It was not his place to question her, as she was so far above him that he would never be able to beat her in a fight. So he instead took pride in the fact that Talna O'Cruel'Deaths, was his boss

 

"that is simple, i am going to have you break the current deadlock that he are stuck in. . . . . that is, if you can" Talna, the 4ft Ork, challenged the 12ft Warboss. Zovorak was glad Talna was his boss, even if he had 72 competitors for his position as her "right hand Ork".