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Jimin feels like his chest is caving in. His thoughts are always filled with him, Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook.
How does anyone survive this? If he has to deal with this any longer Jimin thinks he might drown. His throat is tight, his jaw unknowingly clenched because all he wants, all he needs is Jungkook,
Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook. Always Jungkook.
Jimin's built up a dam for the days when he has to put up with people with a smile on his face. But it's dangerous at night, when the memories seep through the cracks in his mental blockade. Its very dangerous to be alone at night when he's vulnerable to all the thoughts clouding his mind. It's even more dangerous when he shuts his eyes and feels Hoseok sling an arm around his waist as they lay in bed together, but all he can picture is Jungkook.
When Hoseok was gripping his wrists and Jimin was sucking marks into his neck and Hoseok was making him whine, Jimin pictures Jungkook. It was all he could do to sink his teeth into his bottom lip to avoid calling out Jungkook's name.
Always Jungkook.
Jimin closes his eyes, wrapping the sheets a little tighter around him.
He sees Jungkook walking into Jimin's class, all shy wide eyes, shoulders crunched tight and tense as he hugged his notebook to his chest and picked the seat next to Jimin. He remembers the first time Jungkook spoke to him, asking him to borrow a pencil, his smile made Jimin breathless. It was a dreary, rainy day but the sun seemed to shine from Jungkook's eyes, like it was brightening the world with a simple flash of teeth. His fingers grazed Jimin's hand as he handed over the pencil and it sent chills up Jimin's spine. It wasn't electrifying like in the movies, no, but it was enticing. Jungkook was so warm he practically radiated heat against Jimin's skin. It was a small touch that couldn't have lasted more then two seconds but it was addicting and Jungkook was so beautiful and shit Jimin you're staring again.
Jimin turns over. Hoseok presses close to him, burying his face in Jimin's back.
He pictures Jungkook walking next to him with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's sunny outside, the first time it hasn't rained in a week and simultaneously the first time Jimin got the nerves to ask someone on a date. It's painfully quiet between them and Jungkook looks so nice dressed in a huge white hoodie and black pants. How someone can look so good in a such a plain outfit, Jimin will never understand; its intimidating to say the least. Say something Jimin, say something. Why is he so bad at this? Jungkook stops walking suddenly, he's looking at Jimin's feet when Jimin turns to him. You fucked it up, good going you socially stagnant idio-
"Can I um-can I hold your hand?" He says tentatively. Jimin coughs, half choking on his own spit before Jungkook smiles that same shy little smile that made Jimin so interested in the first place. Their hands slip together as they continue walking and walking so close to him, Jimin thinks Jungkook smells vaguely of light purple flowers and the kind of soap you use that never smells like what it's supposed to but smells good anyways. He smells like fresh showers and something incredibly soft, I could get used to this, Jimin thinks with a small smile.
A pounding at the door makes Jimin's eyes fly open, the haze of memories clearing from his mind as he hastily attempts to detach from Hoseok. He doesn't bother putting on a shirt, he's still dazed from being woken up so abruptly--was he asleep? Jimin can't recall if he was dreaming of memories or not. Wait this is the real world right? Of course it is, the pain in his chest that resonated there since Jungkook left is still as present as ever.
The locks are cold when Jimin swings the door open but nothing compares to the icy chill Jimin feels when he comes face to face with Jungkook.
His first instinct is to slam the door shut because no, no, Jimin did not spend two months of built up walls and emotional breakdowns and get over him he isn't coming back for Jungkook to just show up out of the blue again.
He's about to, hand on the edge of the door when Jimin catches the sharp smell of alcohol and sees Jungkook swaying in the doorway. He pushes a hand through his hair in an attempt to clear the drowsiness when Jungkook collapses.
Jimin catches him, barely, fingers wrapping tightly around Jungkook's arms (did they get thinner?) and Jungkook begins crying. His frame shakes in Jimin's arms and Jimin is breathing hard, unsure what to do. His chest tightens with every sob that escapes Jungkook's mouth, the need to make him stop, make him smile, is overpowering, this is not happening.
Jungkook can't do this, Jimin can't let him do this. Jungkook can't come in here with wet eyelashes and a face like he wants to say everything he's felt but probably never told anyone for the past two months they've been broken up, because that's just what Jungkook does. Jimin was that person for him, Jimin was the one Jungkook went to when he needed someone, when he needed to be comforted and vulnerable without fear of being judged or misunderstood. But gradually, that went away. Jimin remembers. It was a week before Jungkook broke up with him, he'd been more closed off. He wouldn't kiss Jimin on the lips anymore, he didn't hold Jimin's hand for longer than a minute at most and he didn't say I love you anymore. Jimin was terrified that he'd done something wrong, that he pushed Jungkook away but when he'd heard Jungkook's reason for drifting so far from him, it tore him apart.
Jimin didn't have time to dwell on it again, however, as Jungkook was suddenly removing himself from Jimin's grip and walking the familiar pathway to Jimin's room.
Jimin is panicking, his heart beating like a hummingbird's wings in his throat but he's frozen in place, transfixed on watching Jungkook walking to his bedroom. It was a sight Jimin had convinced himself he'd never see again. Jimin thinks he can feel his heart breaking all over again. How can Jungkook do this to him, once wasn't enough?
Jimin snaps out of it when he hears Jungkook flop on the bed, sprinting to the room in time to see Jungkook pull the covers back to a very half naked and very confused Hoseok. He wants to cry. He wants to sit down right there in the doorway and bury his face in his hands and cry bexcuse not only had Jimin been attempting to move on but now Jungkook knows, Jungkook knows who Jimin is sleeping with and--wait. Why does Jimin care again? Jungkook left him didn't he?
"Did you--are you cheating on me?" Jungkook says, causing Hoseok to cough. Jimin feels a flash of anger like lightening through his body. How dare Jungkook do this now. How dare he come into Jimin's life again and act like he doesn't even recall what he's put them through. "Are you cheating on me?" Good one, another twist in the dagger Jungkook stabbed into Jimin's heart so long ago.
"Jungkook-ah..." Jimin begins, slowly approaching the edge of bed Jungkook so gracefully perched himself on. He looks defensive, confused, completely shit faced. Jimin feels so many emotions at once he's not even sure he could give a name to all of them.
"You dumped me, remember?" Jimin says, focusing on not letting his voice crack as Hoseok slips off the bed to stand next to him. Both are shirtless, dressed in nothing but the boxers they carelessly slipped on after a late night study session gone wrong. Jimin is sure his hair is still sticking up in the places Hoseok's fingers had gripped, Hoseok's neck riddled with marks from Jimin. What a sight they must be.
Jungkook slurs out what would probably be a laugh for anyone not as drunk as he is.
"I wouldn't do that, Jimin." He says sounding so sure of himself Jimin almost believes it. It makes him angrier.
"But you did." Hoseok says, Jimin's elbow digging into his side not a second later. This is between him and Jungkook, Hoseok shouldn't be here. Jimin tells him as much, suggesting Hoseok wait in the kitchen instead. He's sure this won't take long. He doesn't think he can stand being in Jungkook's presence much longer without breaking down himself and he'll be damned if he lets Jungkook see just how much he's affecting him again.
"I'm sorry about Hoseok," Jimin begins again once the door is shut behind him, "sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut." There's a small silence after Jimin stops speaking, waiting for Jungkook to respond. It's dark, but Jimin thinks he can see the wheels turning in Jungkook's mind like his memories are coming back to him, grounding him back to reality. It leaves a horrible look on Jungkook's face. Good.
"Did I really-"
"Yes you did." Jimin interrupts, the tone in his voice a little harsher than he meant. Jungkook always knew how to push his buttons.
"You called it off two months ago because you got accepted to a music school overseas and you didn't want to tie yourself to me." The words leave an ugly taste in Jimin's mouth. they're words he hasn't thought about or spoken since last month when he finally told Hoseok what had happened between them. It reminds him of how used he'd felt.
"I, I don't remember." Jungkook says lowly. Jimin's eyes narrow.
"You're drunk, of course you don't." For what it's worth, Jimin is somewhat proud of how angry he sounds instead of how utterly broken he feels. He wraps his arms around his chest, fingernails digging into his biceps as if attempting to keep himself together. He feels inches from shattering again, right in front of Jungkook.
"You came to me and said it was over and you wanted to try new things and new places and new people--" There it is. The sob Jimin is barely able to hold back when he talks. Blood rushes in his ears, his heartbeat is loud in the silence of the room. He closes his eyes to offer some peace of mind from Jungkook, but it fails when behind his eyelids all he can see is Jungkook.
Jungkook sitting across from him at a cafe table. Jungkook on his bed typing away at his laptop. Jungkook next to him in the car on a rainy night as they drive home from their Friday dates. Jungkook underneath him, lips red and breath coming out in fast pants as he squeezes Jimin's hand and whispers, "I love you Jimin, I love you..."
"Get up Jungkook. You need to go home. Get fixed, drink some water." Jimin ignores the warm feeling in his hand when he pulls Jungkook out of the room by his arm. He hates this feeling. He hates what Jungkook makes him feel, he hates how Jungkook's face and voice pull at Jimin's aching heart and he hates how Jimin wants nothing more than to hold Jungkook in his arms again, kiss his lips and fall asleep together so Jimin can feel at home for once in two months.
“Prepare for your new life at your new school at a new place with new things and new people you can fuck and lie to and screw over like you did me.” He spits out as they enter the living room. He can tell Hoseok is watching, feels his gaze from the kitchen but Jimin doesn't care at this point. He seconds from breaking apart.
"Jiminie." He hears Jungkook say. It's not just a twist of the dagger anymore, its a punch in the stomach, a slap to the face. It absolutely wrecks Jimin to hear Jungkook so softly say such a fond name.
"Kookie." Jimin responds, his resolve breaking down, anger dissolving and eyes glazing over with tears that distort his vision. A part of him wants Jungkook back so bad, a very large, almost dominating part. The loud, overbearing part of him screams to get Jungkook out now. He will not be used again. He is not a toy Jungkook can't just play with when he's bored, when he needs attention from someone because he can't get it from anyone else. No, Jimin is more than this. Even if his heart and soul are begging him to take Jungkook back.
His feet feel like lead as he forces them towards the door, the knob feels like ice underneath his palm as he pulls it open. Jimin blinks away his tears, no longer looking at Jungkook. He doesn't think he can handle it, so he stares past him instead, motioning for him to leave before he really does give in.
It's only when the door closes that Jimin allows himself the breakdown he's been holding back this entire encounter. He slides down the wall to the floor, face buried in his palms and he can't even shut his eyes anymore because all he sees is Jungkook.
Jungkook, Jungkook, Jungkook, always Jungkook.
Hoseok is next to Jimin in an instant. His hands are soft on Jimin's arm but Jimin can't make out the words Hoseok says through Jimin's painful sobs for his life. Jimin's chest is caving in when Hoseok helps him up slowly. His throat is tightening when Hoseok leads Jimin back to bed. His heart is breaking when Hoseok climbs into bed with Jimin, wrapping his arms so tight around him like he's trying to keep whatever is left of Jimin together but all Jimin can think of is Jungkook's arms, Jungkook's lips, Jungkook's words.
"I love you Jimin, I love you."
Months pass. Jungkook is gone. He isn't coming back. But Hoseok is here. Hoseok is a constant in Jimin's life, Hoseok loves him. And when he thinks back on it, Jimin is thankful for the heartache, for the experience, allowing him to grow the way he has.
It's a couple more months down the road when Hoseok and Jimin sit in a coffee shop one late winter evening. Jimin's head rests in his arms as he watches Hoseok on the other side of the table, typing away at whatever new project he has on his laptop when he hears it.
It's easy to pick up on the soft music flowing through the cafe since there are not many people and those who are here keep quiet, probably doing work like Hoseok is.
Jimin hears his voice first. Soft and light like it always was when Jimin asked him to sing for him. He perks up in his seat causing Hoseok to look over his laptop screen, a worried look passing over his face when he sees Jimin's expression. Jimin can only assume how shocked he looks.
"It's nothing." He says with a light smile, laying his head back on his arms and Hoseok nods.
The lyrics hit home for Jimin. Because he knows who they're about. He knows what they're about.
"I still can't believe it, all of this seems like a dream. Don't try to disappear."
There's bile rising in Jimin's throat as he closes his eyes. He pictures Jungkook, smiling softly at Jimin. Jungkook singing a song he'd written for Jimin, words that appear now in this song in Jungkook's voice that is the same and yet somehow very different.
"Butterfly, just like a butterfly."