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When she turns the pregnancy test in her shaking palm to face her, she knows it’s over. it’s positive. she’s pregnant. The fears have been proven to be true, but she thought she was careful about it! they used protection every time, she made sure of it, there were no surprises during sex, she just doesn’t understand…
She doesn’t know what to do. with everything that’s happened so far.
It’s been a full year and a half since she got married and she already got knocked up. She’s not ready for a kid! She didn’t even think she’d get to the point of marriage with anyone in her life!
she drops to her knees on the bathroom floor, holding the stick in his sweaty palms, looking at the second line with an empty stare. she’s screwed.
She kept in touch only with Ell and Til, Tamara long forgotten, she just didn’t know how to look her in the eyes after everything that’s happened between them. Even if she hasn’t talked to others for 4 months straight, feeling queasy about everything, she knows who she needs to talk to right now.
Swallowing her pride, she gets off the floor, holding the cursed stick in her left hand, as she rushes to her bedroom, gripping her phone and hurriedly pulling up her contacts.
She doesn’t realize that she’s dialing her number until she hears “Tori?” on the other end of the line. then it dawns upon her. She really can’t do it without her, can she?
“Hey Til…”
“Are you okay, Tori?”
And then it all pulls her down into the misery, she realizes what just happened.
“Til, I…” she sobbed into the phone, hearing instant shuffling on the phone, Til must’ve gotten up. God, it was 4 in the morning, what was she thinking waking her up like this?
“Tori, what happened?“
“Til, I” through the sobs she managed to let out “Til, I think I fucked up.”
“What’s going on? Tori, why are you up, what did you do?”
“Til…” she took a shaky breath, trying to get some self-control but it was too late, the dam has been broken. “Til, please” she begged “don’t tell anyone please.”
“I’m not going to, just tell me what’s going on!” she exclaimed in her familiarly sweet concerned voice, yet at the same time trying to egg Tori on to just spit it out already.
“Okay” she sniffed, the tears didn’t stop coming, though. she looked down at the test again, her eyes locking with the doomed second line, the thing that had ruined her mood and any hope for a bright future. “I’m pregnant, Til.”
Silence on the other end of the line. Silence on her end of the line aside from some sniffs and small hiccups here and there. The silence at that moment felt like it went on for too long. It was all so terrifying.
“Tori..”
“I-I don’t know what to do, Til, I” her voice breaks in the middle of the sentence as she tries to go on with it, “It just, it just happened. I missed my period for two months now, I don’t fucking know what to do, Til, I’m so so fucked” she sobbed again, her voice getting weaker and quieter with every word.
“Tori, calm down..Deep breaths, Tori, just calm down.. Hey” Matilda was trying to settle the clearly distressed woman down on the phone, even if it barely worked as the sobs only worsened, she was losing it!
“Tori, please, hey, Tori, it’s okay. Shit, it really was a surprise for me, but hey, shit happens, alright? Calm down, girl, it already happened. There is no need for tears, they aren’t gonna fix anything.. Yeah, pregnancy is a scary thing, but if it happened, there is no need to be grieving over it.”
“Fuck you mean no need, my life is over!”
“But is it really over? Will that baby really cost you your future? You’re not a college girl giving birth on her second year, alright, you’re a grown woman now, Tori. Besides, two months isn’t that long for you to not have a choice about it anymore, sweetie. Let’s just. Calm down. And have a coherent conversation about it, alright? Deep breaths. In. And out. In. And out.”
She tried following Til’s instructions, her heartbeat slowly going down from the rapid beat, still not normal but a bit better than before.
“That’s right, good job, sweetheart. Now. Tell me how you feel, mkay?”
“I feel..” Tori looked away from the test, trying to find the words to describe her state at the moment. “So. So shitty, like I was driven over by ten trucks or something. I don’t know what to do with it, Til.”
“Have you told him yet?”
“No..You were the first person I kinda came to right after I found out” she admitted, ashamed.
“Aww, well, I’m telling you, it’s gonna be alright. Let’s discuss this. Do you want this baby?”
Silence.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s a perfectly normal answer. Do you..want to get rid of it?”
Silence again. This time it lasts longer, but Matilda patiently waits for her to answer whenever she does.
“I don’t know… Fuck Til, I don’t know anything! I didn’t ever expect this to happen, I mean, me? As a mother? What the actual fuck!”
“Hey, hey. Everything is gonna be new to you, okay? It’s like with marriage. You never even wanted to get married in the first place, yet look at you now. It was a new experience to you, wasn’t it?”
“It was..”
“Well, is it? Unpleasant?”
“It’s” it depends. “It isn’t.”
“See? Scary but not unpleasant. The baby is the scarier part, obviously, but you never know how it will turn out until you actually experience it. Of course, childbearing comes with its responsibilities and obstacles, but what hasn’t ever? It’s a very grey matter, and honestly I do get why you’re feeling like this. You’re scared, you weren’t prepared. You never even thought about it and bam! A baby in you. But Tori, it’s completely up to you, though, how you wanna take this. The first trimester isn’t even over, it’s still possible for you to make your own decision on it and make your future into whatever you want it to be. You’re not alone, okay? We’re all here for you.”
By that time the tears have dried up and she was left numb. She stayed silent, going over everything Til just said in her head. Was she? Ready? Was she not? She honestly didn’t know.
“I think.” Pause. “I’m gonna think about it. Sorry for waking you up so early, Til, I was scared.”
“It’s okay, Tori, you don’t need to apologize. Are you feeling better?”
“Not really, I’m just. Numb.”
“It’s okay. I believe in you, girl, you’ll get through this. Should I arrive by your apartment this afternoon and pick you up for a coffee?”
“That would be great.”
“But no coffee now. You’re pregnant.”
Tori chuckled at Tilly’s strict remark. “Okay miss party pooper. Can I at least have the jasmine tea?”
“Definitely, herbs are very good for you, especially now!”
“And Til?”
“Yes, Tori?”
“Sorry for not contacting you for four months. I’ve been a shitty friend.”
A quick pause on Til’s side of the call.
“I admit I was surprised as to why you just left us like that. But. Hey, I know things aren’t the best between you and Tammy right now. And it may be too much for you to talk to me and Ell because we’re close to her. It may not be an excuse, but I’m not mad at you. It’s just the situation.”
“Still, I’m sorry. For everything. How can I make it up to you?”
“You being okay physically is already enough. Besides, you should look after your health, you’re bearing a kid now. Oh god, have you had morning sickness already?”
Tori chuckles. “A few times, I think? I was on a yacht and I just couldn’t stand the smell of the ocean, had to leave the cruise and everything. Which is weird because I used to be completely fine with the ocean water.”
“Heavens! The bloody ocean water out of all things? Pregnancy really is a mystery..”
Tori smiled, happily continuing to chat with Tilly, her mind taken off the main cause of the call, for now. They caught up a little before Tori started feeling sleepy, Tilly insisting she should head to sleep and not exhaust herself.
“Til, before I go, one last request?”
“Yes?”
“Can you not tell anyone about this?”
“My lips are sealed, sweetie.”
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Okay.”
“Sweet dreams, Tori.”
“Goodnight, Tilly.”
She couldn’t wait for their reunion this afternoon.