Chapter Text
Josh looked at Paulo peacefully asleep on his bed. He looked tranquil, beautiful even but he would not say it. Not within earshot. For he knew that he would be mocked if ever Paulo did hear him say that out.
Last night was a blur. As always, John Paulo Nase came running to him without telling him the reason why. Still though, he knew even without him telling anything. That is just how much he knew him, by his heart down to every detail.
He stood from his seat, grabbing his phone as he re-read the messages he got from Paulo the night before. One call and he was there picking him up, in a bar where his lover has left him. Vulnerable to the world and all that could harm him, and for that, he really wanted to strangle the guy.
He is not in favor with their on and off relationship, not after seeing Pau nip at their problems every now and then. He has seen way too much and for some reason, Nase always, ALWAYS, attracts the wrong guy.
If only they knew how to take care of him just like he does, perhaps...
Gago, Santos. Do not even fucking go there.
He looked at him. Eyes trailing to his best friend's soft features which managed to capture hearts, one after another. His kind and very cheerful demeanor have attracted them too, maybe. He, however, sees beyond just that.
Paulo is more than just a pretty face. If only he could keep him all to himself.
And perhaps, this waiting has been doing him nothing all his life. If he could just take his hand now, he'd grab it and run away never to come back again.
And yet, after all this, Paulo is still owned by someone else. Too many years he has loved him in silence, always preparing him to be loved by somebody else. He'd taken care of him for how long, holding him like a precious gem. For he has been with him for God knows how long. Being with him. Taking care of him. Always making sure that he eats and sleeps at the right time.
Still, they are just best friends.
Then he remembered just how drunk Paulo was as he pulled him by his shirt.
"Ikaw kasi e. Sabi ko sa'yo halikan mo ako."
He wanted to pull away, lest all his self-control be thrown out of the window.
"Hindi ko gagawin yun para lang pagselosin yang boyfriend mo." He said the words with finality. And yet looking at those lips, he knew just how much he wanted to take the words back.
He took a swig of liquor. He's been putting that off since he still needed to drive Paulo home. It was a wrong move though as the man pulled him by his neck which caused them to fall down the floor with Paulo laying vulnerably under him. He almost crushed him had he not positioned his arm to prevent the impact of falling towards his best friend.
Catching a glimpse of the drunk man, he saw just how wasted Paulo looked. Still, he has the same dreamy look in his eyes. And Josh felt captivated and perhaps, even enraptured.
"Bakit ayaw mo akong halikan?" Paulo again asked, almost whining.
Once I kiss you, I am not going to let you go. Would you be ready for that, Paulo?
He felt Paulo’s soft hands pull on his neck, drawing him closer. He tried to get him up and managed to pull him in a sitting position. He then tugged his arm, placing it around his neck as Paulo leaned his head on his shoulder.
"Ang bango mo naman, Josh. Payakap."
Josh knew that it was the liquor talking but he wanted to remember. And as Paulo's chest pressed on his, all movements stopped. There was nothing else except for his warmth which enveloped him like a cozy blanket on a cold evening.
And suddenly, Paulo's soft hair which smelt of a hundred lilacs, looked more appealing than it ever did before. His cheek felt soft as he leaned it against Josh's shoulder looking almost ready to sleep.
Then, his lips. His pink lips slightly parted looked like soft cherries inviting him to press a kiss. And as Pau's eyes looked at him in awe, he asked.
"Hahalikan mo na ba ako, Josh?"
He freaking wanted to disappear. He shouldn't have let his guard down. But as soon as Paulo asked the question, he froze. He didn't know what to say. Until he felt something soft smack him in his left cheek.
Soft lips landed on his skin, and it felt so gentle that he almost wanted to cry. All these though went down the drain as he heard him giggle. After which, Paulo started playing with his hair.
This is it. I'm taking you home.
He grabbed Paulo by his waist as he decided to take him home instead. But as soon as he dragged him out of the bar and placed him on the passenger seat, the man asked.
"Josh... masarap ba akong humalik?"
*****
This is fucking him up.
Josh knew that Paulo is fucking him up.
Sino ba kasi nagsabing madali ang mahulog sa taong may mahal ng iba?
Yes. Paulo is his bestfriend. Ang takbuhan niya sa lahat ng bagay. And yet, despite all this, he continued to love him in silence.
From where he was sat, he saw Pau's phone. It has been ringing all night, calls coming from his boyfriend who just left him hours before.
Fuck you. You are not getting him from me.
As Paulo stirred on his sleep and faced sideways, his hand accidentally reached his arm which he pulled on. And with a force he didn't know Pau had, he was tugged and dragged above the man’s sleeping form. Good thing he had his elbows leaning just enough not to crush Paulo.
"Wag kang umalis." He heard him mumble. Just then he realized how he wanted to protect this man. He then felt Paulo stir as his arms surrounded his torso, pulling him even closer.
"Josh..."
This time, he knew that he’s awake. He hoped though that Paulo would be sobber enough to remember his actions the past night.
"...sorry."
Is he saying this because he cannot return his feelings?
"...mahal mo naman ako, di ba?"
Never did he have this urge to hurt someone. But Paulo is looking at him pleadingly. He knew after what happened last night that he won't let him be with that asshole again.
"He's outside the door. Let me go now, alright?" Pau softly asked.
Josh already knew it was coming. Still, he couldn’t just let go the man knowing how his lover continuously hurts him like he didn’t care.
"At pag sinaktan ka niya ulit?" he asked in between gritted teeth.
Paulo pouted. "Hindi niya gagawin yun."
"Nase, I'm allowing you to go because I trust you. Pero siya, wala akong tiwala sa hinayupak na yun."
He felt Paulo’s arms wrapped around his body, his cheek nestling on his chest where he belonged. But Paulo seemed to think otherwise.
"Tatanggapin mo naman ako ulit, di ba?"
Tangina. Kahit saktan mo ako ng paulit-ulit, tanggap pa rin kita.
"Josh?"
Paulo pulled back and Josh almost wanted to cage him again in his embrace.
"Gaguhin ka niya, maggagaguhan kaming dalawa."
But his words didn’t seem to matter. Not even himself. Because just like that, Paulo walked out the door and he left.
Without a second thought, he has chosen somebody else. Like he would never return. Still, he continued staring at the door, hoping that Paulo would turn back. That perhaps, he did see him more than just as a friend.
He sounded pathetic. Still, he waited. His heart refused to surrender.
He should give up now, shouldn’t he?
For he knew that no matter how things go, Paulo will always be his ever more.