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There was something wrong with Junseo.
And there wasn't anything obvious Seohan could point out, so he thought for a while that maybe he was just imagining it. That maybe he was the one having an off day, and he was overthinking it.
But, no. He didn't really think that was the case.
Seohan didn't speak to Junseo much — or anyone, really — during his first time through, since he'd been so focused on placing. But he'd spent significantly more time with him this time around, getting to know him as a roommate, and a teammate, and a friend. And he'd like to say that he knew Junseo quite well by now.
So because of that, Seohan started to notice the little things about Junseo. Things like minute changes in his expression, tense shoulders, and variations in his tone when he spoke. Things Seohan never would have noticed before, but which now bothered him whenever they popped up.
But Seohan had assumed, naturally, that Junseo just had a bad day here and there, like everyone else. Because usually he wasn't too out of sorts.
Today was different, though.
It was really different. Junseo barely seemed like himself.
He wasn't acting any differently, not really. Junseo was keeping up his usual cheerful air just like usual, making conversation and messing around... but somehow, it just seemed off. Like rather than wanting to socialize, he was doing it out of some obligation.
Seohan didn't really understand it. And like he said, he kept doubting himself.
But if there was one thing he'd learned since his last time on the show, it was that he should never be passive and ignore his gut feelings. So he paid attention.
Junseo kept up with practice well enough, and didn't lag behind any of the others. But the moment they stopped for a break, he completely spaced out. Like a zombie, he stumbled over to slide down the wall, and just stared blankly down at the floor between his knees.
Seohan, of course, was concerned, so he had to go over and see what was up.
"Junseo. Hey." When he didn't get a response, Seohan crouched down to tap him on the shoulder, and he startled.
Quickly, Junseo regained his composure and smiled up at Seohan, but it looked kind of forced. Stiff. "Oh, Seohan! What is it?"
"You were all spaced out," Seohan replied, sitting down beside him against the wall and taking a sip from his water bottle. "What's on your mind?"
"Oh..." Junseo looked sheepish. "It's nothing, really. I'm just a little tired."
Seohan frowned, not quite convinced but unsure of how much he'd be able to get out of Junseo. He was definitely the type to resist opening up or showing any sort of weakness. He'd learned that.
"Right. Well, I know we have to do a lot of practice, so I get it, but... try to take care of yourself, all right?"
Junseo nodded. "Sure. You too, Seohan."
It didn't get much better as the day went on.
On their lunch break, Seohan strategically dragged Junseo out to one of the break rooms to eat with him, meaning to keep a careful eye on him.
He did seem okay, though, at least for now. So Seohan shifted his attention away and decided to study some of the lyrics as he ate.
"The concert's coming up fast," Seohan said, meaning to make some casual conversation. "I never asked last time, but... your parents will be there, right?"
Junseo, with his innocent disposition, struck Seohan as someone who would have a good relationship with his parents.
But unexpectedly, he didn't respond right away, and Seohan looked over curiously, only to have his heart skip a beat. Junseo's eyes were vacant, and he'd gone stiff all of a sudden.
...That wasn't normal.
"Junseo," Seohan said a little more loudly, and Junseo looked up jerkily.
"Sorry, what...?"
Seohan frowned. "Were you not listening this whole time?"
Junseo blinked. "No, I was listening. I just..." He looked down again, at the food on the table that he'd barely touched. "I got distracted. Sorry."
"Junseo," Seohan tried. "You've been acting really weird all day. Seriously, you should tell us if there's something wrong. Did I say something wrong?"
Junseo lowered his hands into his lap, but not before Seohan noticed the way they were shaking. "Not really, it's not your fault. I just... talking about parents, I guess..."
"Oh... is it a sore subject?" Seohan felt bad now.
"No, no." Junseo was quick to try and reassure him, smiling as well as he could. "It's not your fault. It's not usually hard to talk about, it's just that..." His smile faded, and he looked away. "Last night, I got a call that my mom died."
Seohan felt himself freeze where he sat. Damn it, damn it, damn it...
He didn't know.
The first thing he felt now was overwhelming guilt. Because this would've happened the first time around, too, right? And yet he'd never thought to lend a hand back then. He'd never even noticed that Junseo was feeling bad.
He didn't think anyone had noticed.
He wished he could go back and do things differently. But that was why he'd gotten his second chance, after all, wasn't it? So he had to make it right this time.
"I'm so sorry to hear that," Seohan said, bowing his head.
"No, don't worry about it, really," Junseo replied hurriedly. "Maybe I shouldn't have even mentioned it. I promise, I'll put in just as much work as the rest of you, so it won't interfere with the performance."
Seohan frowned. "Are you sure?"
"Of course. I always get things done, right? So I might be a little out of sorts, but you don't have to worry about mel. I'll pull through, just as always." His smile was tight.
...No, that wasn't it. Seohan wouldn't let it go like this.
"I don't care about that," he said. "If you need to take a few days off, none of us will mind. I'm just worried about you."
Junseo seemed a little uncomfortable with the attention, and he shook his head with a smile. "Really, Seohan, I'm fine."
Seohan frowned. "I mean, I don't want to push the issue, but... your mom just died. You're allowed to be upset about this. Anyone would be."
Junseo's eyes widened a little, and he didn't say anything back for a while. When he did, it was just a simple, "Yeah."
Seohan still didn't buy that he was okay. Of course he didn't, not when Junseo looked one wrong breath away from bursting into tears.
So he couldn't help himself. He pushed harder.
He looked up at Junseo earnestly. "Junseo. Are you really okay?"
Junseo's breath hitched audibly at the question, and he looked like he wanted to try and deny it again. But he didn't seem to be able to get any words out, just lowering his head to hide behind the cover of his bangs.
"I don't know," he admitted, his voice becoming choked as he pressed a hand to his eyes. "But I have to push through it. I can't afford to falter now, or else I would've come to this show for nothing."
Seohan frowned. As much as he hated to hear this, he also knew how determined Junseo must be. How determined Seohan had been, back when this had been his one and only dream and the only future he could ever imagine for himself. Really, on a survival show, it could take only one stumble to lose your place, even for someone as popular as Junseo. Seohan knew this well.
"You can lean on us, you know," is what he eventually decided on saying. "I know it's hard, and I get it. But you shouldn't have to shoulder it all alone."
Stubborn as ever, Junseo shook his head and wiped at his eyes with trembling fingers. "I know. And it's fine."
Seohan sighed, putting a hand on Junseo's shoulder. "You don't get it, though. You think that trying to suck it all up and hide everything will get you by just fine, don't you? But look at how much you're struggling as you are now. If you don't let yourself take the time to process it all, you'll just be even more distracted, and actually mess up later."
Junseo let out a shuddering sigh. "I just didn't want any of you to worry. I wanted to handle this myself, like always, without burdening anyone else..."
"It's not a burden," Seohan said firmly. "And it's too late for thoughts like that anyway. I've already found out, so I'm not letting you go this alone anymore. Got it?"
Junseo's face crumpled, and he let out a sob.
Now Seohan really couldn't hold himself back. He surged forward to gather Junseo into his arms, aching to ease some of his pain.
"I've hardly even seen her since the show started," Junseo sniffled, voice muffled into Seohan's shoulder. "Only for a few moments, after the last performance... but we were too busy with the interviews, so they wouldn't even let me talk to her."
"I'm sorry," Seohan murmured, not really knowing what else to say. "That's not fair at all. I'm sorry."
"It's not fair," Junseo sniffled. "It's really not fair. She didn't even live that far away, but if I hadn't come on this stupid show , then I could've been with her until the end! Then I could've seen her one last time, Seohan." He choked on his breath, digging his fingers desperately into Seohan's shirt.
Seohan just held him close, not so much as flinching when Junseo's grip became almost painfully tight. "I know, I know. But because you came here, Junseo, she got to see you living your dream of being onstage. I'm sure that made her really happy."
That only seemed to make him cry harder. "I don't care, though. I don't care about being an idol anymore! I just miss her."
"I know," Seohan said. "And I'm so sorry." And it felt like such a horrible, lackluster response, but he really didn't know what else to say. Was there anything you could say to a person who was hurting this much?
But he was grateful, honestly, that Junseo was opening up to him like this. He'd never heard Junseo express himself at all the last time. Never anything more than a simple, "I don't feel well." And he thought that the strangeness of the whole situation might be what was making it hard for him to handle it right now.
So he was at a loss, yes, and he was uncomfortable, because what normal person would be able to relax while someone was suffering right in front of you? But he gathered his patience, and waited until Junseo was feeling well enough to pull away.
And then, Seohan thought he should've predicted what came next. Junseo stopped crying, took a deep breath, blew his nose, and replaced his smile with an almost disturbing proficiency.
"Thank you, Seohan," he told him, voice too even. "That was... a little embarrassing. But I'm fine now. I think I'll go back to the practice room now."
Seohan nodded, bemused. "If you're sure... then I'll come with."
So they got up, and they started walking back together. Junseo's eyes were puffy and his face was a little flushed, but going by his demeanor alone, one would probably assume that nothing was wrong at all. He'd always done this, and it infuriated Seohan.
"Junseo," he said, drawing the other's gaze. "I know it probably feels weird not to, but bottling up your emotions never helps you. I know from experience, so... If there's ever anything bothering you, you can come to me."
And Junseo looked at him, flashed him a smile that he couldn't tell whether it was practiced or genuine, and nodded. "Okay. I really am grateful for the thought."
"Promise me, all right?"
"I promise."
Whether Junseo would follow through with it or not, well, only time would tell. But Seohan also made a promise to himself then. That from now on, he would keep an eye on Junseo, who refused to take care of himself, and make sure he was doing okay.
That was all he could do.