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Sleep deprivation was no joke.
It’d been nearing 48 hours since Kate had last gotten some rest and it was really starting to take a toll on her. After Sawyer had come back, she hadn’t been able to rest again.
Kate had just watched Sun find her lost wedding ring when the news came that the three men who’d left on the raft had come back — without Walt, the child who’d been with them, the child who’d been taken by a group of people they were calling The Others.
With the potential presence of those unknown people and the arrival of the new group of survivors from the tail section of the plane, her fight-or-flight instincts had been on high alert. It didn’t help her that one of them was a cop; the fear of being recognized as a wanted criminal too strong.
Sawyer returning to them wounded and weak had made it all worse. She didn’t love him, not like that. But she couldn’t deny the connection they had. Maybe it was due to the similarities they shared, with their rough childhoods and criminal pasts, or maybe it was just her brain telling her she didn’t deserve anything that was good, anyone that was good.
Kate had been convinced she was going crazy; it was the only explanation for the tricks her mind was playing on her. Even when she’d stumbled into Charlie, still stunned and out of it, she could still feel his hands around her neck.
It had all been so real .
First, it had been the horse. She was sure she’d seen that very horse before, that first time she’d escaped Edward Mars when he’d arrested her at the bus station, teasing her about how her own mother had turned her in. It was impossible, though. There was no way that same horse would’ve made it onto the island.
“Do you think there are horses here?” She’d asked Charlie, staring numbly at the trees that surrounded them. “I think I saw a horse in the jungle.”
She’d been desperate for confirmation that she wasn’t completely out of her mind. For someone to tell her that, yes, there were horses on the island, that it was completely okay for her to have seen one. Maybe then she’d only have one insanity to explain.
“I’ve seen polar bears. I’ve seen monsters, well, heard monsters. But horses? No.”
Then it had been Wayne.
She’d been talking to a sleeping Sawyer, playfully teasing him about how she was spoon-feeding him every time he regained consciousness for long enough to swallow a spoonful of mashed bananas. His injuries were still taking the best of him, keeping him knocked out most of the day.
It’d started as indistinct whispering. He’d mumbled something, turning his head from side to side as if he was having a nightmare. She’d been worried he was waking up for good and feeling the pain come back all at once.
She’d been trying to focus on his jabbering, trying to make out any words coming out of his lips when his eyes suddenly snapped open and his hand flew to her neck, clutching it tightly.
“You killed me.” He’d said, his grip around her neck tightening until she couldn’t breathe anymore. “Why did you kill me?”
She’d gasped for air, trying to release herself from his grasp, flailing around attempting to make him stop without worsening his injuries. But then he’d gone limp, fallen to the floor at her feet and she’d bolted out of there faster than lightning in the sky.
And then it had been Jack.
As she ran through the jungle, the wind on her face did nothing to relieve the burning sensation on her lips.
They tingled, the warmth from their kiss spreading to her reddened cheeks.
That too had felt real, more so than any of the others, but even though she could still feel Jack’s lips on hers, she couldn’t wrap her mind around it.
She wiped the tears away, roughly shaking her head to try and get the thoughts of him, of Wayne, of the horse, out of her mind. She couldn’t see clearly at all, stumbling her way through the jungle, her vision blurred with the tears that kept coming.
For all the freedom that had come with the plane crash, she suddenly felt trapped. She wanted nothing more than to get off the island, to find a way out. “This place is crazy… I just… I can’t, it’s driving me nuts.”
She continued running, wanting to escape everything and everyone. All she wanted was to be alone, and as far away from whatever reminders of Wayne. She just hadn’t counted on her foot getting stuck on something and by the time she heard the crack, the world went black.
Her hands on his cheeks had been as soft as her lips on his, despite the kiss's aggressiveness. There was desperation in it, a need for her to ground herself, to connect to something solid, something real amid her emotional meltdown.
It hadn’t seemed to work as she’d stepped back, eyes wide, and taken off running into the jungle. He’d yelled out for her to wait before chasing after her, worried, but to no avail. She didn’t stop, she didn’t seem able to hear him.
It had only increased his worry.
Something had led her to leave the hatch, to leave her post as Sawyer’s carer and button-pusher until he and Locke came back. And when they’d found the man crumpled up on the floor earlier, alarm blaring throughout the hatch, he’d known something must’ve been terribly wrong.
He’d tried his best to find her. It was Charlie who’d warned him that she was on the path that led back to the caves, otherwise, he wouldn’t have found her. He’d seen her there earlier and told him she’d been talking up nonsense. And that’s how he’d found her, jumbling words together, bordering on a panic attack, eyes red from the tears. And then she’d taken off running again, but not before kissing him hard .
Jack had never been so grateful for the humidity on the island until that day, as he tried to follow her footprints in the mud, desperate to figure out the direction she’d headed in.
He kept beating himself up for not holding onto her, for letting her escape his grasp. But he’d been too startled, too stunned to think clearly after the kiss. Countless times, he had refrained from pulling her in and kissing her since they’d met and his mind was still reeling with the thought that she was the one who’d kissed him .
He stopped in his tracks when he saw purple.
He would recognize that shirt anywhere — it was his favorite of her shirts. He loved the way it hugged every curve, while still exposing her strong arms. How the color stood out against the light tan she’d developed while on the island.
Kate was on the ground, completely still, facing away from him. He couldn’t tell whether or not she was still breathing, all he could see was the blood stain on the rock right beside her head.
His breath caught in his throat as he approached her, falling to his knees beside her and immediately checking for a pulse. Gratitude and relief washed over him as he felt a weak but present beat against his fingertips. “Kate. Kate, wake up.”
Jack shook her gently, in an attempt to get a response from her, and prayed he would. She let out a light groan but didn’t open her eyes. He pushed away some of her hair, looking for the source of the bleeding, his doctor instincts finally kicking in. He needed to see how bad the situation he was dealing with was.
Against all of his training, he decided to move her. While the gash wasn’t particularly deep, leaving it exposed could result in an infection. The quicker he treated it, the quicker her recovery would be. He could only hope she wasn’t worse off than she looked.
“Okay, Kate. I’m going to pick you up and we’re going back to the hatch, alright?”
A low moan was all he got in return.
He tried not to worry about how easy it was to bring her into his arms, how little his muscles strained under her weight. He knew their current castaway status didn’t help with maintaining a healthy weight, they’d all lost some, but he vowed to check if she was eating more often.
The trek back to the hatch felt longer than it actually was, but he sped up, looking down at her face to check on her every few steps. The small sounds coming from her lips every now and again served as a reminder that she was still alive and that he had to hurry if he wanted to make sure she would be okay.
Locke rushed to his aid the second he crossed the threshold, shooting him questions that he didn’t have the answer for.
Jack placed Kate on the couch, aware that the bunk room was already occupied by Sawyer. She whimpered and stirred, but didn’t open her eyes. He pushed her hair away again, trying to take a better look at the wound, grateful to Locke for bringing the first aid kit they’d been using for Sawyer.
The gash was smaller than it looked, but the bleeding was still significant. He took some gauze and added pressure to it, trying to make it stop, but still worried she was bleeding internally. It quickly soaked through and he kept adding more and adding more pressure.
Her eyes fluttered open only to close again, her face wrinkled up in discomfort. “Locke, get me a flashlight.”
He looked around, but Locke was gone. Sawyer, however, stood half awake at the door to the bunk room. “What the hell happened?”
“I don’t know, I think she fell. I found her like this.”
Sawyer stumbled toward them, holding onto the bandages on his shoulder, pain etched on his face. He took a seat on the arm of the couch, and extended his hand to the gauze. “Go get your flashlight, Doc. I’ll keep the pressure here.”
For a while, Kate kept coming in and out of consciousness, but her pupils being responsive brought another wave of relief.
“There ya are, Freckles.” He heard Sawyer say and looked up to see her awake, a confused and pained look on her face. Her being fully awake was a reassuring first step in her recovery.
Jack sat on the floor next to the couch, reached out, and wrapped her hand in both of his. The worst was over.
Kate didn’t even realize she was running her fingers through his short hair until he started to wake up.
She wasn’t sure at which point he’d fallen asleep. He’d been telling her that she couldn’t do it, wouldn’t even let her rest her eyes, but at some point, he’d stopped blabbering on about being a doctor and knowing what was best for her and drifted into a peaceful slumber.
She’d never seen him so relaxed, didn’t even know he was capable of it. Yet there he’d been, sitting on the floor, head resting on the couch in which she lay, fast asleep, not a wrinkle on his face.
Her head was still pounding, but she had no hope for it to stop any time soon. He’d told her about how, even though the gash looked better than he’d expected, head injuries were very serious and needed to be monitored closely. She wasn’t sure how much of it was just an excuse for him to be around her.
Jack liked her. Everyone knew that and it’d be a lie to say she didn’t know it too. It scared her, it terrified her. She was well aware of the dark shadow that followed her around, the same one that left a trail of death and broken hearts in her wake. And she refused to add his name to that list.
But it was impossible not to fall for him, even if she didn’t think she deserved him.
Something drew them together.
Kate couldn’t quite put her finger on it, wasn’t sure what it was or where it’d come from. All she knew was that they’d connected on that first day, not long after the crash. Somehow, a switch had been flipped and, as much as she tried to deny it, as much as she tried to run from it — the only way she knew to try and escape her problems — she couldn’t escape him .
She wished him a good morning, even though she had no idea what time it was, but didn’t stop playing with his hair. She liked how the crew cut felt against her fingertips, soft yet almost like it tickled. He looked startled but didn’t move away. Only cursed himself for having fallen asleep, tried to check up on her only to get a stern look and a classic “I’m fine” .
Sawyer, still pale, stumbled out of the bunk room, eyes trained on both of them. Kate felt her cheeks flush, but didn’t avert her gaze; she wasn’t doing anything wrong. “So I guess we really ain’t rescued, huh?”
“Not yet,” Jack replied.
“Well, I’ll be damned. What on God’s sweet Earth is this tin can then?”
“A safe haven, for now.”
The reply left her lips before she even registered her own words, but that didn’t mean they were any less true. The hatch was the safest place they had at that point. No monsters, no Others, no horses or Wayne.
No kiss .
It wasn’t until the next day when she’d finally gotten some sleep and after Jack had checked on her for the millionth time, that he allowed her to go outside. He’d gone with her, scared to let her out of his sight, still haunted by what could’ve happened had he not found her. He’d supported her with an arm around her waist, her arm wrapped around his shoulders.
Sawyer had stared as they’d walked down the hall and out of the hatch, jealousy etched on his face. Kate felt bad for him. She felt bad for everyone she’d ever cared about who’d ended up having feelings for her. It never ended well for them.
Jack had asked very little about her fall, which was unusual for him. He was very detail-oriented, always wanted to know the ins and outs of everything — except what she’d done, though he’d changed his mind about that too, and she didn’t feel like being open about it anymore. “Why did you kiss me, Kate?”
Kate stopped in her tracks, nearly causing them both to tumble. “What do you mean?”
“Why did you kiss me yesterday, in the jungle?” He repeated. His eyes, filled with sorrow, told her he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted an answer to the question. Yet, still, he proceeded. “I know you were upset, but tell me now if you actually wanted me or if you just-”
“That was real?”
She whispered it under her breath, but he still heard her. He cupped her face in his hands, lifting her head a little so she can look him in the eyes. Sorrow was replaced with worry, his eyes searching hers for any sign of distress. “Are you okay?”
“I thought it wasn’t real. I thought-” She ran out of words, too distracted by the sight ahead of them. A horse, the same black horse she’d seen the day before, walked into the clearing they stood in, facing them both, hoof digging in the dirt. “Do you see that?”
Jack turned around and immediately stretched his arm in front of her, in a protective stance. “There are horses on the island.” He said, matter of factly and if she weren’t stunned herself, she would’ve laughed.
“I saw it earlier,” she said, dodging his arm and approaching it anyway. The horse took slow steps towards her in return, settling its muzzle against her hand. “I thought I was going crazy with the lack of sleep. I thought nothing had been real.”
Jack walked up to her, standing behind her as she continued to caress the horse who seemed incredibly comfortable in her presence. “I think I know this horse,” she continued. “I think it saved me, once.”
“What do you mean, you thought nothing had been real, Kate?” He asked, tentatively raising his hand and caressing the horse with her.
Kate turned around to face him, surprised by how close he actually was. So close that their chests almost touched. She could feel his breath on her face as he looked down at her, eyes searching hers for answers or any indication of what she’d meant.
Like before, she pressed both hands against his cheeks, this time more delicately, checking that he was okay with what she was doing. He closed his eyes just before she moved in, their lips touching once again.
They kiss again. Slow, more intimate, but equally intense. When his hands gripped her sides, fingers digging into the skin of her hip, between where her shirt had slid up and the waist of her jeans, she pressed her body flush against his, relishing in his warmth.
“I thought I’d dreamed this.”
“It doesn’t have to be a dream anymore.”