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July 4, 2015
Her grandfather had always said that the most damaging rumors were those based in facts.
Baela supposed he would know. After all, the second Alyn’s mom had started showing with his little brother, all eyes had turned to the same place. It didn’t matter if he was Addam’s dad or not, it was assumed, it was dripping with suspicion based in fact. And then it was fact, cold and clinical truth, when the paternity tests results came back positive and her grandmother had sent him to the guest room until she could bear to look at him again.
Even if it hadn’t been true, it would have still tainted things, left that shadow of doubt. Facts didn’t erase history, didn’t remove emotion from the equation.
Which was why Baela didn’t blame her grandmother for making assumptions, because there was history there. History in the form of sneaking out, of climbing back through a window with breath that smelled of alcohol, of coming down to breakfast with dark circles under her eyes that weren’t from insomnia or nightmares.
History in the negative pregnancy test in her purse on the kitchen counter.
She’d gotten reckless, so caught up in her anger at Jace and Alyn and Corlys and anyone else she could pick a fight with that she’d not been careful enough. Pretended that everything was fine, that as long as she ignored her recklessness that it wouldn’t come back to bite her. The late period had been a smack in the face, the negative test her salvation and prison at the same time. She’d taken it on a weekend home at High Tide, sticking it back into her purse afterwards so she could smuggle it out of the house and dispose of it. She wasn’t under any illusions that Rhaenys, or more accurately her housekeeper, didn’t keep an eye on the trash for any trace of Corlys’ misdeeds. But Baela hadn’t expected for the purse to get bumped, or so Rhaenys said, to fall, to spill, to unveil her sins to a matriach’s critical eye. She’d come back inside from the docks to find the test laying on the marble counter.
Out in the open for all to see.
So no, Baela couldn’t blame her. She could be annoyed at her grandmother, could roll her eyes at every variation of and will this dress accomadate a weight change? But she could never blame her. Better to have her focus on this than return to her grievances over Jace’s parentage in the form of he’s just like that mother of his, no Baela, he is. They all are. And your father’s no better living with and knocking up his niece two times over while she’s still married to Laenor-
If Rhaenys focused on it, then Baela would have to, finally knocked off that sheer cliff into nauseating fear that before their names were signed on the dotted line, Jace would walk away.
He’d done it before. History. Emotion. Rumor. Fact. Inescapable.
Everyone had always said that a girl’s wedding day was the most special day of her entire life, that it was worth the planning and effort to make it beautiful and memorable. That it would be remembered forever. It was terrifying, the thought that a day so special could fall apart so easily. It was easier to detach from it, to hide from it, to bury herself in other opinions because it was safer. To buy the dress that her grandmother and Rhaena both liked most, to wear the heels Qarl sent her as an engagement gift instead of the ones that caught her eye at the mall, to let Jace pick out the apartment because in the end she might not ever live in it.
Baela didn’t want to let him go, that wasn’t a rumor, that was fact. Jace had left before, that wasn’t a rumor, that was history.
The thing was, it all went away when she was with him.
Maybe she just wasn’t good at being alone?
Her momma had always said so, had twisted braids into her hair and told her how as a baby she’d scream if she wasn’t being held. Stayed in two weeks overdue, refusing to leave the womb, and then came out furious. Clingy and sweet and restless, there’d been very little sleep to be found if she wasn’t the center of their attention. They’d expected her to be jealous when Rhaena arrived, only for her to thrive, soaking in all of Rhaena’s gummy baby smiles and being chased by the crawling baby as she got bigger. Once Rhaena could walk, it’d been Baela chasing her. Forever running after her baby sister if she wasn’t soaking in Laena’s attention on their solo trips into town. Her dad had been on deployment for most of those early years, a model of his fighter jet sitting on her bedside table and a military-themed Build-A-Bear with a recorded loop of his voice saying he loved her in High Valyrian tucked into its chest on the dresser.
Once he was home from deployment after the accident, wrapped up in bandages and salves and lying on the couch content to watch reruns of Stargate with her, she thought she’d never be alone again. She had her mom, her dad, her Rhaena. Then they lost Daelor, and her mom, and then her dad married Rhaenyra, and then Rhaena had drifted away to be closer to Luke-
But she’d had Jace.
But Jace left too.
But he came back, she reminded herself, laying in the bed with him, watching the crease lines on his cheek from his pillow bloom red over his freckles. It was easier to believe it, with him. As long as she could touch him, she could convince herself that she could keep him. She could ignore the tabs on her grandmother’s open laptop for divorce lawyers, could ignore the prying eyes, could ignore even her own insecurities as long as she could keep him close.
So she did. She sat in his lap in the balmy sunlight on the fourth of July, her coverup damp over her swimsuit, sprawled together in one of the oversized chairs on the patio. Half-listened to the business gossip between Corlys and her dad as she entertained herself with the slow scroll of Jace’s instagram feed. Rhaena had gone in to shower after getting out of the pool and well, Luke had just happened to follow her inside. How no one had realized what was going on, Baela had no idea. It wasn't as though they were subtle and if they were trying to be, they weren’t very good at it.
Buzz.
Baela glanced over at her phone on the coffee table. With Jace and Rhaena within arms reach as of late, notifications had been few and far between. After the late period and negative test, it’d flipped some sort of switch in her brain. Gone were the days, or well, nights of sneaking out until five or six in the morning on weekends home at High Tide, drinking far too much and climbing over fences and balconies with Alyn when the cops eventually arrived to break up the party. She’d blocked him and most of their mutual friends, and then after she’d graduated, had drifted away from any of the casual friendships she’d had from boarding school. Casual because, well, she didn't feel very open to emotional vulnerability most days. Any days. Except with Jace, which was more dangerous than any friendship could have been over the last two years. But in a few months, they’d start at college, a fresh, clean start. No small town theatrics, no cheating accusations, no history, no pain connected to this brand new place. Only opportunity.
It was what they’d always needed. Maybe if they’d had it earlier, they never would have split in the first place.
Another buzz broke her out of her thoughts and she half leaned out of Jace’s lap, relying on his warm arm around her middle to keep her from falling to the floor as she grabbed at the phone and twisted back towards his tight grip on her.
Rhaena: Vhagar
Baela nearly dropped the phone when she saw the codeword. Vhagar, for their mother’s old horse who would bite anyone but her and Great-Grandad Aemon, who had raised her from the time she was a foal. If you were on Vhagar’s back, it was because you had no better option. It meant the literal or metaphorical grass was on fire and you had no time to walk out of the pasture on your own two feet.
“I’ll be back.” She squeezed her hand over Jace’s on her hip and he loosened his grip to where she could stand.
Baela took the inside stairs two at a time, racing to where her room had been relocated. Their grandmother hadn’t been pleased when she put together the pieces and realized that Baela had used the apartment above the poolhouse to hide Jace’s presence on the property. She’d been promptly moved back into the house after they’d gotten engaged, directly next to Rhaena, as if that was going to have an effect.
The thin line of light under Rhaena’s bathroom door gave her away and Baela barely managed a single knock before it was opening and she was being pulled inside.
“I’m late.”
Baela really wished she could feign ignorance as to what Rhaena was late for but the sheer panic in her eyes was all too relatable.
“How late?”
“A couple days. Luke’s looking for pregnancy tests in the guest bathrooms.”
And to think, this family thought Jace was the one most likely to knock up his stepsister.
“Does he think Grandmama keeps those in stock next to the toothbrushes and toilet paper?”
Rhaena shot her a look that very clearly said, you’re not as funny as you think you are.
“Listen, it’s probably nothing,” Baela said, “Could be stress. You’ve been using protection so the odds are in your favor here…”
She trailed off as Rhaena winced, and all the sudden, her sister’s text from the month before slammed into the forefront of her mind.
There’s always pulling out?
No.
No.
“I’m going to kill him. Jace is going to kill him.”
Baela’s hand closed around the doorknob but before she could turn it, Rhaena lunged at her, clinging to her arm, trying to pry her fingers away from the door, “We’re not gonna tell Jace. We’re not going to tell anyone. We don’t even know if there’s anything to tell!”
“The pull-out method, Rhaena? Seriously?”
“It’s worked so far!” Her sister threw her hands in the air, turning back to the sink with a frustrated sound as Baela shook her head.
“You’re insane. Genuinely insane.”
Luke burst through the door, eyes frantic. In his hands were rolls of toilet paper, as if that was going to help anything right then.
“I can’t find any tests.”
“Couldn’t find any condoms either, apparently.”
“Baela!”
Luke’s jaw dropped, “You told her?”
“No!” Rhaena stumbled over her words, waving her hands, “Yes. She guessed.”
“She told me.” Baela received a pair of matching glares and rolled her eyes, “Alright well, you two stay here. I’ll go to the store.”
“Why can’t I go with you?” Rhaena asked, Luke close behind with the same question.
“Because I can’t think of a better excuse than to claim dad might have undercooked a couple of the chicken kabobs and now you two are sick.”
“Just, be quick.”
Baela couldn’t help but roll her eyes again,“Oh believe me, there’s nowhere I want to be less than standing in front of the pregnancy tests while everyone is breathing down my neck about this being a shotgun wedding.”
Rhaena at least had the decency to look ashamed, “Baela, I’m sorry.”
“Stop being sorry, just. Do better. Wear a condom. I can’t believe I have to say that. I’m leaving.”
She fled the room before Luke could find something unhelpful to say, grabbing her keys out of the bowl and typing out a message to Jace on her way to the car.
Baela: Luke and Rhaena are alternating puking. Dodgy food or stomach bug idk but I’m going to CVS to grab pedialyte and enough lysol to level a city. Steer clear.
. . .
On paper, the plan was solid.
CVS wasn’t that far away and thankfully, Rhaenyra and her grandmother were at a florist appointment, the wedding having been moved up to High Tide instead of Dragonstone as the vendors there couldn’t exactly be trusted for their discretion, so they wouldn’t be trying to get to Rhaena and Luke to investigate the sickness. The lie would fall apart instantly if they did. As long as they stayed away and CVS was uneventful, it should have been quick and easy.
But she was a Targaryen, and they did not do quick and easy things.
Which was why, when she rounded the corner to the feminine care aisle, Rhaenyra was also there. Standing in front of the pregnancy tests and making horrible, horrible eye contact.
She was going to kill Luke.
(There were many, many moments in her life that she considered to be mortifying. The next twenty minutes would eclipse them all and bring home the gold.)
“Oh,” Rhaenyra said, as if that was an appropriate response to the situation. What was the appropriate response to the situation? Was there even one?
It’s not for me, she could say, but oh the can of worms that would open up would almost be worse.
Baela opened her mouth to say something along the lines of I’m just here to grab some tampons. Smooth transition to the other side of the aisle. Completely ignoring the fact she’d been wearing a very, very white bikini all morning. One she would never risk in that way.
Instead what came out was a very strangled sound and no words at all. Thankfully, Rhaenyra seemed equally silenced, or, at least, she was for about five seconds before she grabbed a two-pack of tests and held them up.
“Tell you what, you take one with me and if it’s negative, I’ll get Rhaenys off your back.”
Baela couldn’t help the snort that left her, “You can’t even keep her off of your back, last I checked.”
“I can on this.” Baela held back yet another eye roll as Rhaenyra shook the box of tests, “What do you say?”
Baela still had no belief in that, but what would be the harm? It would be negative, she knew that. There was no doubt in her mind about that.
“Sure.”
Rhaenyra almost looked surprised. But surely she knew Jace, punctual, precise, risk-conscious Jacaerys, wasn’t the type to get a girl pregnant? Surely she also knew that the test would be negative? Then again, Jace and his mother had never really seemed to understand each other, had they? It was something she tried not to think about too much, it brought up too much anger, too much grief for the lives they should have had.
So instead of thinking about that, she subjected herself to the mortifying experience of mutual pregnancy test taking in a CVS bathroom. It was not ideal.
You owe me, she texted Rhaena, you owe me your entire life rn.
Rhaena: you can have whatever you want as long as Grandmama never finds out about this. She’ll never let me and Luke under the same roof ever again. Not till we’re thirty.
What was awful was that she probably wasn’t even wrong about that. They’d gone so far as to change the locks on the poolhouse apartment so her keys didn’t even work anymore.
They stood in an uncomfortable silence by the sinks, made even worse by another customer coming in, seeing the tests, and immediately walking back out.
“It doesn't bother me as much,” Baela found herself saying without thinking, “But it bothers him. And he deserves better than that from you. From all of you.”
Rhaenyra’s jaw clenched, but for once she said nothing. Baela had no such restraint.
“He should have gotten to be a kid. A proper kid. But he didn’t get to be and that isn’t his fault and now you want him to be normal? You want him to do things the proper way when no else ever has in this family?”
“Baela-“
The phone alarm blared, too-loud in the cramped bathroom. The silence that followed it stretched unpleasantly as they looked over the tests and Baela found herself surprised at the sinking in her stomach at it being negative.
“Alright then,” Rhaenyra said, turning her own negative test to face Baela, a flicker of disappointment on her own face, “I’ll, uh, deal with things like I promised.”
“Good.” Baela nodded, restless, “Thanks.”
Rhaenyra’s eyes suddenly looked wet with tears and Baela tore her gaze away from her, down to the floor, and it stayed there until the door finally shut behind her stepmother. It made the sinking feeling worse, being alone.
It brought in the thoughts, the things she couldn’t say aloud. The things that scared her. The feelings that scared her.
Was she disappointed that it was negative because she wanted a baby?
Or was she disappointed that it was negative because a baby would keep Jace from leaving her?
The thought made her head spin, stomach churning as she practically sprinted out of the bathroom to grab another box of tests and very, very carefully avoided looking in the direction of the prenatals, the diapers, the ovulation strips.
. . .
Moondancer was as comforting as ever, a silent sanctuary where she could tell her mother anything and everything, so she did.
By the time Baela picked up her phone again, she was near tears, but the buzzing text from Rhaena shook a laugh out of her.
Rhaena: Luke’s nervous puking.
Baela: I thought he grew out of that
Rhaena: Apparently its making a comeback
She was still going to kill him if the test was positive. She really, really was. Things were difficult enough today without that cherry on top.
Her grandmother’s car was in the circle driveway when she returned, Rhaenyra’s just behind it, so she carefully shoved the tests far, far down into her purse and arranged the pedialyte and lysol to be displayed appropriately through the plastic. Thankfully, no one was waiting at the door and she managed to slip up the stairs without being seen. Rhaena’s door was unlocked and she shouldered it open, wrinkling her nose at the unexpected smell of tequila.
“What-“
Luke looked woozy where he clung to the toilet. Rhaena just looked tired.
“Granddad had the idea that a shot or three might get the food poisoning over with quicker. Luke drank mine too so it didn’t go to waste.”
Yeah, no, Baela couldn’t have a baby right now. This whole situation was incredible birth control just on its own.
“You.” She pointed at Luke, “Get out so she can take this.”
He swayed as he stood and Baela sighed, throwing his arm around her shoulder and handing over her purse to Rhaena before she helped him out of the bathroom. The door closed behind them and she dumped him onto the bed, springs screeching. He let out a tipsy giggle.
Baela couldn’t help but pray for patience, even as she doubted she’d recieve it. It felt like an eternity before Rhaena let out a whoop of joy and finally, finally, Baela felt the weight of the world lift off of her shoulders.
When she finally wandered downstairs, she went straight to him, sprawling on Jace’s lap like she’d never left. His arm across her belly, her head on his shoulder, enjoying the scroll of his recommended feed, this time Twitter instead of Instagram, and she couldn’t help but smile. She could keep him, couldn’t she? Keep him right here in the sunlight? In her denim shorts, in the curl of his damp hair, in the sunscreen smell of him? She could stay here forever with him?
She could. She had to. Throw away fact and history and rumor, she didn’t want that, she just wanted this. Just wanted him.