Work Text:
Beidou opens the door of her apartment and closes it. It’s already dark but Ningguang is not even in the house. It’s quiet but not the kind of quiet Beidou hates so she doesn’t feel the need to listen to music or watch a video probably because Ning is not there so there’s not an awkward silence. Beidou looks around and sits in the small chair next to the counter, she wonders if her now partner notices what she does now: there’s not a single thing that belongs to her in the apartment.
There are pictures of them, of course, in frames next to the TV and small polaroids of their trips or hanging out with friends. There’s one next to the kitchen of them kissing and Beidou hates it because it brings her to a better time, when she could be with her girlfriend and kiss and go out… when she used to care, now she just saw it with nostalgia. She craves that life, that intimacy, that understanding. But life was different now and she only realized about three months ago.
That day when she realized they weren’t moving. They weren’t caring about each other, when she had to travel to this beautiful place she dreamed about and it was for work! so she could take Ning with her but the other girl barely took her eyes off her phone and said “can’t I am busy” Beidou kind of stood there in her apartment and everything felt so… impersonal, so empty, something that wasn’t hers.
And she couldn’t shake off that feeling. It stuck in her bones like a perpetuous feeling of awkwardness and she was going crazy until one day hanging out with Kazuha he said they should go to this new restaurant, that he knew she loved pasta and everyone said the carbonara is the best one everyone has ever tasted Beidou nodded and said she should invite Ningguang too but Kazuha said “You know she never comes. We even started to do this list of restaurants we should try and she went to one”. That little comment spiraled in her head because she didn’t remember the last time they went out, the last date they had, the last time they even went to the movies or planned something remotely simple.
The only thing they did now was eat take out and the most “quality time” they spent together was when they spent time watching their own phones next to each other before bed. And Ningguang always turns off the lights because she had to wake up early, or Beidou fell asleep on the sofa reading something for her work and the other girl woke her up at 4 am because she went to the kitchen to get water and found her there.
It was like watching everything in a different light, like if everything had a different sense, everything felt so foreign. Beidou felt so weird then, watching all the signs all the sudden, how they weren’t working, how she didn’t remember the last time she felt -in love-, how she was sure they didn’t even care. It was her worst nightmare, everything she never wanted. They were just like those married people that are only together because they’re used to being together. It was sad. And she called Kazuha asking “How come I never realized?” and she started crying, the other boy comforted her even through the phone. It took her one other month to realize she had to do something about it and it took her the realization that her best friend was going to move to take the decision to leave. But it was hard.
Beidou sometimes watched her girlfriend and thought “we’re running out of time” she already put on a very convenient date to break up and even made up a general plan but she didn’t think Ningguang would get there that late. It was okay, she could wait, in the meantime she was determined to cook something for the last time and at least have a decent dinner before that.
By the time Ningguang got there the dinner was cold and she had to warm it up in the oven. Beidou was trying not to sleep on the couch, she had the last bag of her clothes next to the counter but Ningguang didn’t even realize it, she just sat at the small table and started talking about this work thing she had the next week. That’s when Beidou had to stop her.
“¡Hey! Can we talk?” Beidou comments while looking at the other girl.
Ningguang didn´t stop moving around between making dinner and getting her bag ready for the next day “Sure but make it quick”
“I don’t think this is working”
Ningguang put the bag on the sofa next to her “What is not working? The microwave?”
Beidou worried that the other one couldn’t see the facts, they were right there, her own bag of clothes next to the kitchen, by then she removed some of the pics of the house of them together and she saw everything so clear that the image of Ningguang eating was so calm and so… detached of everything that was in her mind that she felt physically ill.
Ningguang stared at her in disbelief “I don’t know what you mean but you need to say it fast i need to do things”
Beidou sighs “We are the thing that’s not working” and even if she regrets it she throwed the other girl the same words she said once "How come you never realized?"
"What do you mean?" Ning, says again.
"I haven't even lived here for the last week. I barely stay in this house. My things... most of my things are gone. And had been gone for a while"
"What? No" Ningguang moves her head to the sides a bit confused. "No, that's not true. You're changing things to the guest room so I could have more space for me in the closet. We talked about it! And you said it was okay that 'i needed more space' and you moved your things"
"Ning" Beidou says, softly grabbing the other girl's hand" My love, tell me if you even checked out the things in the guest room."
"You know I don't have time" Ningguang moves to the other side of the room "I have so many things to do! You know how my job is! How I never get a break"
"That's right. But you only had to open a door. It's really not that hard" Beidou says.
"It's 3 am. I need to go to sleep. We can have this discussion later" Ning says, turning off the lights and moving to the room, her now cold food stays in the kitchen.
Beidou stays there in a dark, empty and quiet house for a minute. She knows what she should do next. But she has been trying to avoid it for so long it feels weird to try to get it out now. She moves her ring in her hand counting the seconds in the dark. She can hear Ningguang in the room moving things which means she is not asleep yet and she knows that the next words that will come out of her mouth will break everything.
For a single moment she wishes she could kiss the other woman, she could melt in her sheets and forget for a while the outside world, she wishes she could say a joke and cuddle her, she wishes she could make her scream her name with pleasure for the last time. She wishes she could say 'my love' again without feeling like she is gonna die.
She never knew when was the last time and she regrets it now.
Maybe that's why when she goes to what once was their bedroom she first says the other girl's name softly and gives her a small peck. She knows she shouldn’t have when the other girl smiles in the kiss and she has to move to the other side of the bed.
"I am sorry" Beidou whispers wishing the other one doesn't listen to her "But this is me breaking up with you"
Ningguang gets out of the bed fast "What? No? Why?"
"Ningguang. You know why" she says.
"No? I don't! Why would you do this to me? You know I have this project that I have to deliver next week. I have to get up in like two hours" Ning answers.
"So, that's a good enough reason to stay? Because you have projects to deliver? You always have different projects. This is not about that. This is about us"
"Yes!" Ningguang screams at that point "What about us? What about the wedding?"
"Are you serious?" Beidou says grabbing her hair in desperation "We don't even have a date for the wedding because you're so busy all the time"
"It's not my fault you are a lazy person, okay? Trying to pursue an useless career while I am thriving"
"We are not gonna do that" Beidou stops her "We are not doing that. I am breaking up with you and all you do is give me unimportant excuses of why i shouldn't? What about us?"
"Exactly. What about us?" Ningguang remarks.
"What was the last time you said 'I love you' ? What was the last time you asked me about my day? The last time you said something nice? The last time we watched a movie? Or you tried to get some time for us to spend together?"
"I have things to do, baby," Ningguang says.
"Don't call me that. Not now. I... I have no more energy to fight for us. I have been the only one fighting for us for a while. And I... I love you. I love you so much it hurts and it shouldn't. So, I am leaving. I am sorry. You have the half of this month in the drawer next to the door."
"Wait" Ningguang tries to stop her "Where are you gonna go? No! You can sleep here and I will sleep in the guest room and we will talk about this tomorrow. Okay? I will ask for a day and grab some coffee and pastries from the cafeteria you like and we could talk"
"I have an apartment. You know Kazuha moved a month ago? I told you. Well, I moved in with him. We're roommates now"
"What? No. How? That doesn’t make any sense" Ning says, finally moving to the guest room and frantically searching for clothes in the closet. The furniture is empty.
"You and I stopped being girlfriends. We were roommates for a while and honestly I prefer to be in another place."
"No." Ningguang mumbles by then she is crying. "No. We can talk we can figure this out"
"No, Ning. It's too late. I am sorry. I should leave to go to my apartment." Beidou days "I don't have the energy to do this anymore"
"No, this is wrong, you shouldn't be the one doing this. No. You know what? I am breaking up with you" Ningguang rambles and Beidou almost wants to laugh.
"Sure" she says and goes to the main door. She leaves her keys in the plate that's on top of the drawer. She also leaves her ring.
"Aren't you gonna fight for us?" Ningguang says in her back.
"Not anymore." Beidou says and closes the door.
She can hear the sobs on the other side of the door. And she wants to apologize and take it all back. But she has this thing of being stubborn.
Maybe that's why she waited so long to do it because she knew deep down that it would be definitive.
She goes down the stairs and gets in her car. It's 4 am by that time. She drives thirty minutes to the new apartment and Kazuha is asleep on the couch. Maybe waiting for her. She grabs a blanket tired of everything and everyone and cuddles next to her friend.
The evening after she wakes up to a sound. Kazuha is still watching videos with his hand giving her a hug. That's the first time she wants to cry. But she promises she won't. She didn't cry yesterday. Why would she cry now? The other one feels her moving and watches her face, maybe searching for her phone and that's when he talks.
"I blocked her" Kazuha says "She was being annoying. Calling a hundred times. A little bit too late"
Beidou nods "Thank you"
"Also I order waffles in that place you like, they're getting here in 30 minutes" He says, she feels like he wants to ask what happened but he doesn’t dare to. All he knew was that today was the day but other times she tried to but never really had the courage. She wondered if those times he waited on the couch too.
"I broke up with her," Beidou started. "She didn't take it well. It was weird she didn't take me seriously, she brushed off the fight when we were talking about how she is never really there. And then when I broke it off it was as if she was looking at me for the first time in so long."
"I'm sorry" he comments "But i am really proud of you being so brave"
“I don’t feel brave. I don’t even feel free, I just feel so tired”
“That 's okay! You don’t have to feel or be anything. This is your house you can crawl into your bed and do nothing”
Beidou smiled. He was right, this whole place was a new beginning, away from that silence and tension, she didn’t have to explain anything anymore. She didn’t have to deal with Ning right now, or even tell her friends. Whatever was the story she didn’t care because she was out of that place, that relationship. The food arrived a few minutes later and they ate on the sofa, later when he left for work she just sat in her bed with new clean sheets and watched tv for a while. There were boxes on the floor, furniture she hadn't put together and she didn’t plan to do it until the next day.
Beidou asked for that day because it was part of the plan but she had to go to work the next one and to say it was a slap of reality was an understatement, she wasn’t really ready to say anything so whenever someone talked about their partner she said Ninnguang was okay even if she didn’t know. All of that talk made her wonder and after her shift ended she finally unblocked the other girl. She was sure that Ning was working so she didn’t even expect her to answer. But the phone rang two times and Ningguang picked up.
“Hey” she said, she sounded tired. “How are you?”
“Are you busy?” Beidou asked.
“I am, but i can just go outside for a minute” She could hear Ningguang closing a door and walking for a while “I can speak now.”
“You called me a couple of times yesterday and Kazuha blocked you”
“Oh yes, I did, sorry for being too intense. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry for not realizing sooner of everything. I want to make this right, if you want, if you let me, I want to go to a restaurant, have some dinner and reconnect. I understand now that you need space and that’s okay we can start over.”
“Oh, Ning, I know that this is a big shock to you but I don’t think we can fix this, we don’t work, it's like… if we were in a coma. And yeah, it took me a while to realize about it and I am sorry I throw it in your face but we got so used to this love that’s in a coma that I don’t think we can get back from it”
She could hear the other one sitting somewhere, she guessed it was a bench and hoped it wasn’t the floor, Ningguang loved to wear skirts or full on suits and they were expensive.
Beidou stared at the bus stop she had to take and knew the exact one she had to take to be near her and she guessed that was the hardest part, she made a choice and she had to leave with that now.
“I do this for both of us” she said sitting on a bench too, hoping that would connect them for the last time. Ningguang didn’t respond but she didn’t hang off the phone, instead they both stayed in the same place just breathing, Beidou didn’t hang off either or even take the bus. She knew the minute the call was over their relationship would be too. And it was scary because even if they weren’t working Ningguang had been by her side for as long as she could remember, her name, her voice, her memory would be all over her life forever. So, she stayed there with her phone in her ear for as long as she could.