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“Thanos… that fucking asshole..” Nam gyu mumbled, inspecting the cross necklace in his hands: the same cross that had belonged to Thanos.
Who was now long gone.
“He treated me like a fucking idiot.”
The man struggled to uncap the case of the cross, digging his chipped nails into the edges as he pried it open.
He didn’t understand— couldn’t understand why the death of Thanos had such an effect on him.
Fuck— why did he care so much?
He just wanted his drugs, nothing else.
At least, that’s what he continues to tell himself.
So why was he sitting in this assholes bunk, thinking so much about him? Nam gyu didn’t understand why himself.
Their relationship wasn’t that easy to explain, either. It all felt like a fling— Thanos using Nam gyu to get rid of his own, pent up frustration. And Nam gyu, would always let him.
He clung to the other like a lifeline,
practically doing any ting for the other. And as much as Nam gyu denied it— he did it for more than just the drugs.
Maybe he thought Thanos could actually love him.
Love.
It was such a foreign concept to the man. But he craved it, more than anything.
Maybe he was just going for the wrong person.
It didn’t matter anymore— that person was dead, and Nam gyu was sat in his bed, placing one of his tablets into his mouth.
Maybe it was to forget it all, or to stop the tears that now threatened to spill down his face.
He placed a hand to his face, wiping the tears that pricked at the corners of his eyes.
Maybe this feeling will pass.
He wasn’t sure if it would, in all honesty. As much as he hated to admit this, the rapper had an effect on him.
Maybe he had finally felt like he wasn’t the only fucked up person in this fucked up game.
What was he supposed to do now? He had held onto Thanos like a lost puppy— and now he was gone, while Nam gyu was still here.
He still remembered the scene. Thanos’ body, still on the floor, blood pooling from his neck. The image flashed through his mind like flickering light.
He wanted it to stop— beg for it to stop even.
Anything to erase the image.
He popped another tablet into his mouth— praying the effect of the drug would fog up his mind enough for him to not remember.
God— he missed Thanos so much. Even when he was used as nothing but a stress relief, he missed it.
He missed being the object of desire— the one that Thanos would pull away from the others just to feel his lips on his own.
Some fucking joke it all was.
Now all he could wonder is if Thanos truly cared.
Just as he was going to pop another tablet into his mouth out of desperation— a warm, larger hand grabbed onto his softly.
And through his blurry vision, he could make out another player gently tugging the necklace out of his grip.
Oh.
Dae ho.
It took him a few seconds to blink away the tears that blurred his vision, to see the Marine clearly, who now sat in front of him.
He looked at him with those worried puppy dog eyes. It made Nam gyu feel like he was weak.
He didn’t understand why Dae ho cared so much. They rarely interact; when they do, it’s usually insults thrown at each other, usually coming from Nam gyu.
But even when Nam gyu would try push the other away— the marine would always end up coming back, one way or another.
Maybe he didn’t want to accept it— accept the fact that someone could actually care for him, or even love him.
Maybe Thanos had ruined Nam gyu’s perception of a healthy relationship. He always ruined everything— didn’t he?
But as Dae ho inched closer to Nam gyu, he didn’t pull away, even when he was given so many chances to. Instead, he hesitantly, leaned further into the marines embrace
It was comforting— something Nam gyu rarely felt.
He wished it was easy. Easy to accept Dae ho’s affection— but how could he? Was it even what he deserved?
He gazed down at Dae ho’s parted lips— and for a slight second, he thought of how they would feel pressed against his.
Dae ho would be gentle, he knows that, and he would take his time— go slow on Nam gyu. His hand would be gentle as it rests on Nam gyu’s cheek.
It would be different from Thanos, who would crash his lips against the others and grip onto the others chin harshly.
Nam gyu honestly wished Dae ho would kiss him— make him forget Thanos without the use of drugs.
Maybe he was already starting to forget it, now that Dae ho began to rub soothing circles into his back. It felt good— even if Nam gyu would never say that out loud.
They sat in silence, except for thr occasional sniffles coming from Nam gyu as he tried hard not to cry.
He would not let himself cry, not in front of Dae ho— or anyone.
Dae ho seemed to notice this, as the hand on Nam gyu’s back had now come to rest on his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.
The other had whispered something to Nam gyu— but he was too disoriented to comprehend the sentence. But his voice was soft, and soothing.
Nam gyu wanted to hear it again.
But he wanted to push Dae ho away, tell the other to fuck off. Though— another part of him, a closed off part, wanted Dae ho to hold him closer, to be his anchor.
He craved for it to be easy— he wanted to tell Dae ho everything. He wanted to tell him how craved the comfort of his touch, his warm hands holding his own cold ones.
But he also craved the pain and excitement. He yearned for the rough hands of Thanos holding the back of his neck, his teeth clashing against the others as their kiss deepens.
A fresh stream of tears slid down his face as he thought about it.
Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just let himself be happy?
Well.. maybe he could be happy.. if he just let go of Thanos— even though he knew, deep down, he didn’t want to.
But when he felt a warm, soft hand now come to rest on his nape, hus thoughts of thanos disappeared.
He finally stirred back to reality. Dae ho had pulled Nam gyu closer, one arm curled around his waist while he continued to massage the other’s nape gently.
Maybe— he would let himself be content.
Maybe for now, he could let himself be loved by Dae ho.
The way it should’ve been from the start.
He had finally melted into the other’s embrace, resting his head on the other’s shoulder as they sat in silence.
It was a new experience for Nam gyu, but he couldn’t complain.
This was love.
The love he really deserved.