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It was a matter of mere seconds and their world turned upside down.
The van collided with another car as it was thrown out of the lane and rolled over. The windows broke from the force of the hit. Right then Jungkook felt a sudden excruciating pain come from his throat and shoot through his whole body. He found himself struggling to breathe as the sound of screams rang in his ears until his head knocked into something and he was swallowed by the dark abyss, out cold.
“He needs to go into surgery as soon as possible!”
“Nurse prepare for operation!”
“Jungkook!”
“Please stay here! You’re not allowed to enter the operating room.”
Jungkook’s eyes opened for a split second upon hearing the familiar sounding voice.
S-Seokjin Hyung?
His mind was too hazy to comprehend anything. He was completely out of it as lights flashed in front of his eyes.
Something was placed on his mouth and within a matter of few seconds Jungkook’s eyes fluttered close and he fell into a deep, restless sleep.
The next time the boy woke up, the first thing that reached his ears was the sound of beeping, machine beeping. His eyes started to flutter open and as he opened them a little bit - the light annoying his sensitive eyes – he noticed he was in a room painted only in pure white.
A hospital.
“Jungkook?”
Again that familiar tone reached him. He carefully turned his head to the other side, groaning at the stiffness in his neck. Immediately he was met with his eldest Hyung’s concerned face and red, puffy eyes. He noticed the trail of dry tears on Jin’s cheeks.
“Is he awake?” Another familiar, deep voice echoed through the pin drop silent room. Jin turned around to the source of the voice and nodded his head sniffling.
“We were so worried maknae,” Jin said, stroking the youngest’s bandaged up head as gently as possible. Jungkook allowed a tiny, weak smile to spread across his features.
“How are you feeling kiddo?” Namjoon who was sitting on a chair right behind Jin asked. Jungkook was about to answer when the realization of how dry his throat was hit him full force. He started feeling as if he was choking on something – And only then did he realize why.
There was something like a tube, shoved down his throat.
It was an understatement that he freaked out. Who wouldn’t after all? Jin who noticed the sudden change in the maknae’s expression immediately shushed him down.
“It’s ok Jungkook-ah. They had to perform an emergency tracheotomy on you since you weren’t able to breathe on your own… One of the shards from the window pierced through your throat…” Jin explained wiping some tears away. Seeing his baby lying completely motionless on the ground and choking on his own breath as the paramedics cut his throat open and inserted the tube in which looked painful and uncomfortable. That image would be engraved into his mind forever. Namjoon placed a comforting hand on the eldest’s shoulder.
“Jungkook!” A loud shout startled the boy, however a smile tugged at the corners of his lips once he noticed who it came from. Both Taehyung and Jimin were rushing towards him, their eyes resembling Jin’s.
“I-I was so scared we would lose you,” Taehyung cried as he cuddled into the maknae’s side, Jin reminding the younger to be more careful given Jungkook’s frail state. Jimin followed his fellow 95liner as they both clung to Jungkook, reluctant to let go.
“For the time being the doctor advised not using your throat. It has to heal. We got you a notebook and a pen so you could write what you need and what you want to say.” Jin informed as he handed it to the boy. Jungkook nodded his head, feeling too weak to move to do anything at the moment.
It was only when his vision cleared completely that he noticed the bandages and some bruises covering his bandmates.
Taehyung had his arm put in a cast and small cuts all over his face. Jimin had to use crutches and there was a bandage on his head, similar to the one Jungkook had. Jin and Namjoon looked fine in general except for some bruises and cuts on their faces and arms.
Something felt odd though.
Jungkook’s eyes widened. Jin gave the youngest a confused glance before understanding what the boy was meaning to ask him.
“Hoseok and Yoongi are okay. They’re resting in their rooms. They suffered some concussions but it’s nothing serious. You should worry about yourself more since you took the biggest hit out of us all.”
Jungkook nodded. His eyes started feeling droopy and before he knew he was drifting into dreamland while his Hyungs watched over him.
Two weeks have passed and Jungkook was making a fast recovery. The bruises on his body were slowly fading away, leaving small, barely noticible scars which would disappear as time passed. A few days ago the tracheotomy tube was removed and Jungkook could finally breathe with ease. The only concern left was his voice. The doctors encouraged them saying to not lose fate and that it just might take some time until the injury heals and then Jungkook can talk again.
However all hope seemed to disappear once they received the heartbreaking news.
“It seems that the shard damaged the vocal chords. I’m afraid that we can’t do anything at this point … Jungkook’s vocal cords were badly damaged not only making singing impossible… but talking as well.”
Jungkook felt his world crash the moment these words left the doctor’s mouth.
He was mute.
He felt something inside him break. All those years he spent on singing, dancing and performing on stage… had gone to waste.
“J-Jungkook,” Jin tried to comfort the youngest trying not to break down himself. The rest of the members stood still, unable to say anything. They knew that sweet words would only make the situation worse. They felt so lost, so useless finding themselves not able to comfort their youngest brother.
Jungkook shook his head, opening his mouth and trying to scream.
But nothing came out of it. Only the suffocating silent was there.
“Jungkook!” Jin shouted when he caught a glimpse of the younger grabbing onto the bedside lamp which was placed on the small, white table next to his bed. The sound of something breaking echoed through the room as the lamp crashed against the wall.
“Jungkook calm down!” Namjoon tried to calm the maknae down. Jungkook only shook his head reaching out for any object his hand could find but was then grabbed by somebody, a strong arm preventing him from any violent movement.
“Listen kiddo. I know… No. I don’t have any fucking idea how hard it must be because I’ve never been in a situation like this. But still… you should be grateful. There was a freaking shard of glass pierced right through your throat! How lucky you must be to survive through that? You have a healthy pair of hands and legs, you can see the world the way it is, the colors and their shades; listen to music and let yourself drown in it. You have a family that loves you so much and always support you. And you have us, your Hyungs, who are here with you through thick and thin.”
Tears gathered in Jungkook’s eyes. He knew that he should’ve been glad he was still alive. He knew he should be happy he has so many people surrounding him and loving him. He knew that he should be grateful for what life gave him till now. But still… no matter how he looked at his current situation nothing seemed to be able to remove the despair, agony, rage and misery he felt. Each passing second he was succumbing to the darkness more and more, leaving the light behind. He just gave up. What is the point in hoping when there’s no hope out there. It disappeared the moment the doctor broke the news.
Reality was just too harsh. Was it perhaps the punishment for not listening to his parents when they told him not to dirty his clothes? Or for leaving home to selfishly pursue his own dreams and abandoning his family?
If so, then karma was a bitch.
Taehyung sighed upon noticing the maknae sitting on the couch and scribbling something down in his notebook. Weeks had passed since Jungkook was discharged and yet there was no improvement in his behavior and mental state. If Taehyung thought that Jungkook was a quiet and introverted boy back then when he met him for the first time, then what would that make Jungkook now?
The members tried to persuade him to see a therapist, however the youngest resisted strongly and they had to give up as it was futile.
“Jungkook-ah what are you doing?” Taehyung asked as he jumped on the couch and gave the maknae a hug from the side. He looked at the maknae with big, curious eyes and a wide grin plastered to his face, but the smile was replaced with a frown when he received no reply from the younger.
It was breaking his heart so much to see their usually cheerful and always energetic maknae look so deprived of any trace of happiness and life. Jungkook was just like a statue. Sitting on the couch and only making small movements with his hand as he scribbled in his notebook. The sparks in Jungkook’s puppy, doe eyes were gone and replaced with lifeless a brown - so dark you could feel as if it was swallowing you up if you looked him in the eyes. He noticed the way the maknae’s appearance changed too. Jungkook barely ate anything aside from the tiny spoons of soup that Jin fed him, or more like forced into him. The younger’s once chubby bunny cheeks lost their chubbiness replaced with protruding cheekbones and a too sharp jawline. His legs and arms were almost as skinny as Yoongi’s. Whenever Taehyung hugged the younger from behind he couldn’t help but worry about the bones he felt under his arms. Jungkook’s waist was smaller too. Almost as small and slim as a woman’s. Overall the maknae who had been living with them in the dorm for almost three years. The one he has grown to love so much and cherish like a little brother… He was not longer here. It was only an empty shell of what used to be.
They were getting ready to sleep. It almost felt strange because it was so early. The late and exhausting practices they grew so accustomed to – they started missing them - no matter how much they used to complain about them back then.
The company gave them a few months to recover – or more specifically – for Jungkook to recover. It was decided that Jungkook could still remain a part of BANGTAN, as a dancer. The news about the accident which left Jungkook mute spread like fire around the world. Fans were heartbroken but still more than glad that Jungkook recovered from the accident t (at least physically) and could still be a part of the band.
But what about Jungkook?
Nobody knew what was happening inside that boy’s mind. Jungkook himself had no idea. Each day was a struggle to live through. There was a mental battle in his mind every day and night. The eighteen-year old found himself falling into a bottomless pit and sinking deeper and deeper into the depths of despair.
There was no spark of hope left. No ray of sunshine in the darkness Jungkook was lost.
“I’ve had enough of it! I can’t sit and just watch this anymore! ” Namjoon shouted as he felt himself snap, reaching the peak.
“Namjoon-ah calm down,” Jin tried to soothe the leader but to no avail. The younger male left the living room. Jin was shocked when he saw the leader come back with a startled Jungkook in his arms. Namjoon threw Jungkook on the couch, albeit gently.
“What are you doing?” Jimin asked with anxious eyes. Soon the rest of the members came to the living room, hearing the commotion.
“Jungkook it’s time you got a grip of yourself and stopped drowning in your self-pity!” He screamed causing Jungkook to flinch.
Fear, Taehyung thought. After all this time the first emotion they can finally see on their maknae’s face… Does it really have to be fear?
“Namjoon-ah leave him alone,” Hoseok placed his arm on the leader’s shoulder but yelped when he was harshly pried off and if it wasn’t for Jin who caught him in mid-air, he would’ve probably hit the wall.
“Kim Namjoon! Calm yourself right now!” Jin shouted but the said male only ignored him.
“No! Don’t you see?! It’s time Jungkook finally woke up and faced reality!” He yelled back, angry tears spilling out of his eyes onto his cheeks. Jin sighed.
“Namjoon-ah I know that you’re concerned about Jungkook… We all are… But we have to give him some time, don’t you think so? It’s been only a few weeks. He just lost his voice for Pete’s sake!”
“So what?” Namjoon chuckled bitterly. “Because he lost his voice we’ll just let him fall deeper into his self-pity until he finally breaks and loses himself completely? Open your eyes! Don’t you realize?! You, you yourselves have already given up…”
The leader’s words were like a slap to the face. The members’ eyes opened wide as they realized…
They gave up. They lost hope. They forced Jungkook to eat, to smile waiting for that small spark of hope in his eyes… When they themselves have lost faith.
“I-I…” Jin was speechless. What was he supposed to say, when he was in the wrong himself.
“I need to take a breather.” Namjoon put on his jacket before leaving and closing the door behind him with a soft click.
The dorm was encased by silence. The air was almost so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Jungkook sat in his room with his notebook in his lap. The leader’s words kept ringing in his ears. A soft knock on the door interrupted his train of thoughts.
“Kookie?”
The familiar, deep voice called and soon after Taehyung’s face peeked out of the door’s entrance. The slightly taller boy smiled at Jungkook as he walked over to him and took a seat beside him. Jungkook was slightly taken aback when Taehyung’s palm found itself into his hair as the elder ruffled it.
“Your hair has always been so nice and fluffy,” Taehyung chuckled before turning to Jungkook and leaning his head against the younger’s shoulder.
“Jungkook-ah. Is there really no hope left?” He heard his Hyung whisper out as a tear rolled down the brunet’s cheek. Jungkook bit on his lower lip.
Is there really no hope left? I wish I knew that too, Hyung.
The next time Jungkook opened his eyes he felt an additional weight on his body and was surprised to see Taehyung asleep right next to him.
We must’ve fell asleep yesterday, he thought to himself before carefully removing the elder’s arm off his body and getting up.
“Oh awake already Jungkook-ah?”
Jungkook looked up and noticed Jin smiling at him. He nodded as he nodded softly and took a seat next to the elder. Jin’s motherly features brought some sort of comfort. The way the eldest stared at him, was just like mothers do at their child. He has just seen his parents a few days ago yet he missed them so much already. Although his parents offered Jungkook to go back with them and recover at home… Jungkook refused to. He somehow knew he would miss the dorm and his Hyungs. Bangtan became his second family and his fans his support.
“Jungkook?” Jin’s soft voice snapped Jungkook out of his thoughts. He looked up at Jin. “Are you hungry?”
Jungkook shook his head and Jin sighed deeply.
“Kookie, I know that it’s hard… But you must eat in order for your body to recover. You can’t keep going on like this.”
Seeing the despair in the eldest’s eyes made Jungkook’s heart squeeze in his chest. He nodded hesitantly. This took Jin completely by surprise as he hurried over to the kitchen counter and started to make sandwiches.
“Good morn- Kookie?!” Jimin exclaimed when he noticed the maknae sitting at the dining table. Jungkook turned around and faced the elder. Jimin felt his eyes become teary. It’s been a while since he has seen the maknae eating at the dining table that early. Usually – since the accident – Jungkook will spend his days lying in bed till late and not even bothering to join them in breakfast or dinner. But here was the maknae sitting right in front of him and munching on a sandwich.
Jimin practically threw himself at Jungkook who almost choked on his sandwich.
“Jimin!” Jin scolded as he rubbed the maknae’s back.
“Sorry.” Jimin grinned sheepishly before taking a seat next to Jungkook. He was so happy. It’s been a while since he felt his heart swell with happiness.
“Good morning everyone!” The rest of the members arrived and were just as surprised to see Jungkook eating breakfast with them.
That morning laughter sounded through the dorm as the members joked and fooled around just like in the old times.
Jungkook seemed to making progress. Sometimes a small smile crept itself on his face and the members couldn’t be more glad to see it. It seemed as if their maknae was finally returning back to them.
Seemed. That’s the key word.
Jungkook sat in his room and watched the videos of their concerts on the computer.
The times when he could sing. The times when he could speak. The time when there was no need for a stupid writing pad to be under his reach 24/7.
What’s the point of living if you can’t do what you love?
If you can’t express yourself?
If you’re just like a doll who can’t mutter a single word?
That day Jungkook fell into depression. And the rest had no clue about it as they were too lost in their own worlds where their Jeon Jungkook was.
The first cut wasn’t deep. It only caused his skin to tingle slightly.
The second one was deeper as it drew some blood and stained the blade.
The third cut was much deeper as Jungkook drew a line from his wrist to his elbow, cutting through the skin vertically. He hissed.
The fourth was the one where he lost count.
“Oh my God Jungkook!” Jimin was the one to find the maknae in the bathroom as he stared at the scene in front of him in pure horror. His body was glued to the floor and tears streamed down his face.
‘What ha- Jungkook!” Namjoon rushed over to Jungkook. The younger’s wrist was littered in countless cuts and his clothes together with his now crimson bathroom carpet were covered in bright red liquid.Jin dropped the glass he was holding in his hand as it fell and shattered on the floor. Hoseok catching a glimpse of the scene, quickly ushered Taehyung and Jimin out. Yoongi got a bandage from their first-aid kit and quickly started wrapping it around Jungkook’s wrist.
“Hoseok! Call 119 now!”
The rapper nodded and took his phone out of the pocket of his pants before dialing the number.
“Jungkook! Kookie! Can you hear me! Don’t close your eyes!” Namjoon cursed under his breath as he noticed the youngest slowly slipping out of consciousness.
“H-Hyung?” Jungkook’s pale lips moved. He struggled to keep his eyes open but darkness enveloped him.
“Fuck! Where is the ambulance?!” Namjoon growled. He wrapped Jungkook up in a white sheet as he walked out of the bathroom with the youngest in his arms.
“Jungkook! Jungkook!” Taehyung and Jimin started crying when they saw Jungkook. The younger was sickly pale and they could spot the small crimson stain on the white sheet.
“They’re here!” Yoongi announced.
The door to the dorm opened and in walked three men. They placed Jungkook on the stretcher as they tended to him.
“We need to get him to the hospital as soon as possible!” One of the men informed.
“I’m sorry but you can go with us,” the paramedic bowed apologetically. The boys were too shocked to even mutter a single word. They only gave the man a short glance.
“Hoseok call the manager,” Namjoon whispered in a shaky voice.
“We’re here for Jeon Jungkook,” Jin informed the nurse as they arrived at the hospital.
“I’m sorry but he’s still in surgery,” she gave them a sympathetic look.
“T-Thank you,” came Jin’s weak reply. They took a seat in the waiting room as they waited for any news about their maknae.
Please, don’t take him away from us. Not yet. He’s too young.
Taehyung sat on the floor with his back facing the wall. His body trembling as he sobbed. Jimin was sitting next to him while rubbing his back, even though he was crying himself. Jin and Hoseok sat on a chair with red, puffy eyes. Tears continued to escape their eyes as they furiously wiped at them. Namjoon stood still. He wasn’t crying. He was staring at the floor, his eyes void of any emotion.
“Fuck!” He cursed out loud as he punched at the wall not caring about his bleeding knuckles.
They were all at loss. Their minds and bodies were battered. They didn’t know what to do anymore.
The doors slid open and the surgeon finally walked up to them. They all grabbed each other’s hands praying for the doctor to tell them the news. Good news.
The elder man took a breath.
“We’ve stabilized him. Luckily the cuts weren’t as deep as they seemed to be. We stitched them up. He should stay at the hospital for a few days.” He said with a small smile.
The members could swear they never felt that relieved.
“Oh and one more thing. If I were you I would watch him. He might be stable physically… But I’m afraid not mentally. Right now he’s a danger to himself. Next time he does that again, we might not be able to save him. Such a young boy… it truly pains my heart. I know you. My daughter is a huge fan of Bangtan Sonyeondan. Please, take care of the boy. He needs hope and you are the ones who can bring it back. Unless it’s completely over - never give up.”
The man bowed and left. The six boys stared at the doctor’s back speechless as his words repeated in his mind.
You are the ones who can bring the hope back (…) unless it’s completely over - never give up.
Now they knew what they were supposed to do.
Operation: A Ray of Hope – START
As the members entered the room Jungkook was in, they were greeted with the sight of their maknae sitting on the bed with his knees curled up to his chest. His left arms was bandaged from the wrist to the elbow.
“Jungkook… Why did you do that?” Jin asked careful not to upset the youngest. Jungkook remained still not budging a muscle. The writing pad was placed on the table next to the bed. Something urged Jin to reach out for it and open it. And so he did so.
“J-Jungkook…” Jin gasped when he saw what was written it.
I feel so numb. Like I lost myself. I’m a totally different person. I’m scared of myself. It’s like I’m paralyzed. I’m scared to live but scared to die too… I’m in a box - suffocating - yet I’m the one who locked myself in it. I’m so tired. I can’t fight it anymore.
Why? Why is it so hard to live...?
Jin’s tears stained the white paper. The eldest cupped his mouth in an attempt to muffle his sobs. The others who read it as well were close to crying too.
“Kookie I’m so sorry. We didn’t even try to understand how you’re feeling. Please forgive your Hyungs.”
Jungkook stared at his crying Hyungs slightly taken aback.
Why are they apologizing? They did nothing wrong.
He feels himself being enveloped in warmth. His Hyungs’ strong arms are wrapped around him.
He feels.
Unknowingly to him, tears started spilling out of Jungkook’s eyes as they slid down his cheeks and soaked his shirt.
“Cry Kookie. Cry it’s okay to cry.”
That’s all it took for Jungkook to finally break. He sobbed in his brothers’ arms as he felt the weight on his shoulders lessen. He let everything out. All the pain, sadness, sorrow, rage – he poured it all out.
His Hyungs have managed to break through the walls he had sent around himself. Through his shell.
A tiny spark of hope finally appears in the darkness and lets a thin ray of light break through the dark clouds.
Their goal has been achieved.
Operation: A Ray of Hope – Has been completed.
Half a year has passed since the accident. The members are back on stage. Jungkook returned to being himself. He finally faced reality and accepted his faith. The members just as they promised were with his through every step. Through every moment when he felt like giving up.
They were his guardian angels watching over him and helping him stand up whenever he fell again.
“Yah Jungkook! Give it back!” Taehyung chased after Jungkook who was running all over the room with his phone in his hand. The younger stuck his tongue at Taehyung.
“You little- Wait until I get my hands on you!” Taehyung growled playfully as he ran. Jungkook sped up when noticed the elder catching up with him.
Taehyung smirked when he finally managed to catch the maknae. He grabbed his phone out of the maknae’s hand before starting to tickle the youngest’s sides. Jungkook squirmed and kicked around.
“S-Stop H-Hyung hahaha.”
Time froze. All seven members’ eyes widened and their heart picked up their pace.
“Kookie, d-did you just…?”
Jungkook brought his hands to his mouth shocked himself.
“H-Hyung?”
No one could believe when the maknae spoke again. Even the managers were staring at Jungkook with wide eyes as if not being able to believe they just heard the boy speak.
“O-Oh my God! Jungkook! You can talk! Your voice is back!” Jimin screamed and threw himself at Jungkook. The boy couldn’t believe it himself. His eyes became teary and tears poured out of his eyes. Warm tears.
“I can’t believe it!”
“It’s a miracle!”
They all pulled the youngest into a group hug, happy tears spilling out of their eyes and joyful laughs echoing throught the entire room.
The day Jungkook had spoken again, was deemed a miracle. The maknae was able to sing again on stage after six months of therapy. The world was bewildered.
The members remembered the doctor’s words. The words that gave them hope – No – The words that opened their eyes – because it was always there to begin with.