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“We should go on a date.”
It was late and Miyuki’s voice sounded loud in the dining hall. It cut through the sound of the game playing on the TV. The packed crowd reduced to nothing more than white noise. The clang of the bat lacked the punch it usually had when Miyuki was behind the plate. Everything sounded soft and distant when filtered through the speakers.
Everything sounded soft and distant compared to the sound of blood rushing in Miyuki’s ears.
Chris glanced away from the TV. He looked surprised. It wasn’t an expression Miyuki ever thought he’d see on his senpai’s face. And in any other context he might have relished being the person who managed to catch Takigawa Chris Yuu off guard. But here and now...Miyuki tried to shove down the nauseous feeling that was churning in his gut.
Chris turned his attention to his open notebook. His fingers absently flattened a page. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Miyuki sighed as the nauseous feeling turned to stone instead. He honestly wasn’t sure which was better.
“Can I at least know why it’s a bad idea?”
“I thought that would be obvious,” replied Chris as if Miyuki was supposed to know.
Miyuki resisted sighing again. “Humor me.”
Chris set down the pencil he had been holding. Miyuki watched as it rolled off of the scorebook and onto the table. It was better than looking at Chris who had turned to give him his full attention.
“The team is going to need you to be focused—especially since you’re going to be the starting catcher and batting clean up and captain—”
Miyuki scoffed. “I’m not going to be captain—”
“You’re going to have to also handle two first year pitchers,” continued Chris as if Miyuki hadn’t interrupted. “Whose success and growth will determine if this team qualifies for Koshien.”
“Oh is that all?” mumbled Miyuki dryly.
“And…”
“And?”
Chris shrugged as he turned his attention back to the TV. “And I’ll be graduating.”
Logically that all made sense to Miyuki. And Miyuki was kind of pissed that Chris could think about this so logically.
Miyuki had never felt so illogical in his life. Thrown off his game in a way that was terrifying…and exciting. He had been willing to be irrational and to be so calmly rejected...stung.
He didn’t tell Chris any of this.
What Miyuki ended up saying was, “Who says I’m going to be Captain?”
Chris huffed a laugh and Miyuki felt the stone in his stomach flip over. Even more so when Chris turned in his chair to face him again when he said, “So…”
“So?” asked Miyuki.
Chris shook his head. He gave a small smile. One that reached his eyes but still looked sad anyway. “So, I don’t think it’s a good idea, but I hope we can stay friends.”
Miyuki laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. “Is that what we are?”
“I guess not,” admitted Chris. “Maybe we can start there.”
Miyuki let out a long breath. “Yeah...sure…”
—
“Moshi, moshi.”
Miyuki felt suddenly breathless—winded in a way that he usually only experienced on the field. He could feel himself smiling as he said, “Hi, senpai.”
“Congratulations.”
An hour ago, Miyuki had been drafted in the second round by the Saitama Seibu Lions. He wasn’t sure if he had ever felt anything like the sudden and sharp joy after his name had been called.
Oh, Miyuki had been unbelievably happy winning Koshien, but if he was being completely honest at least half of that happiness had been from relief.
Catcher. Clean up. Captain.
To be finally released from that burden, from that responsibility…
“Thanks, senpai,” said Miyuki, clutching his phone to his cheek. He let out a breath as he looked up at the night sky. “I don’t really know what to say.”
Chris gave a thoughtful hum. “You’re going to have your work cut out for you in Saitama. Anabuki won’t give up his starting spot that easily.”
Miyuki found himself nodding along. It wasn’t anything he didn’t know himself. Anabuki was arguably at the height of his career.
“Hopefully I’ll be able to learn from him.”
There was a pause—and then Chris laughed. “Really?”
Miyuki shrugged. “Oh, I’m going to take the starting spot. I’m just not delusional enough to assume I can do that now.”
“There we go,” replied Chris and Miyuki could hear his smile. “That’s the Miyuki Kazuya I know.”
And Chris did know him.
Maybe better than anyone else ever had.
“Go out with me.”
Miyuki blamed it on being high on the happiness of the draft. It made him feel a little arrogant, a little invincible. Miyuki wasn’t sure why he always forgot—
How easily Chris could cut through all of that.
“Miyuki, I…” Chris trailed off and Miyuki could feel his good mood slipping away from him. He still waited. He still forced Chris to say the actual words. It was the least that he was owed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Miyuki bit back a sigh. “How about dinner as friends? It’s been a while since I’ve seen you.”
And Miyuki wasn’t sure if Chris would accept this new proposal—which was exactly like the last one just with a different label haphazardly slapped on it. It was a weak excuse. And they both knew it.
So it was a surprise when Chris said, “Sure. When are you free?”
—
They got dinner at a cheap, hole-in-the-wall place near Seido. The place had probably fed generations of desperate Koshien hopefuls. Miyuki wouldn’t be graduating for a few more months, but already the restaurant had taken on a nostalgic feel.
He ducked under the noren and smiled as he spotted Chris already sitting at the counter.
Miyuki took off his coat and hung it on the back of the chair before smiling at the owner. “Number Two Special, please!”
“Oh, Miyuki-chan!” said the woman as she looked up from where she had been scooping rice into a bowl. “Congratulations on being drafted!”
Miyuki gave a quick half bow. “Thank you.”
“A Number Two Special coming right up!”
Miyuki sat into the chair and finally turned to fully look at Chris.
He looked good.
He had pushed the sleeves of his cream sweater up to his elbows. His hair was loose on his forehead. A slight smile on his lips as he snacked on edamame. Popping the bean out of the shell with his teeth and lips and—
“Hi, senpai.”
“Hi, Miyuki.”
They ate and they talked and Miyuki spent most of the dinner wondering if he managed to catch up to Chris at all.
It was silly. He was the one who had won Koshien, who had been drafted, who was moving on to the NPB.
But…
College seemed to have settled Chris in a way that High School hadn’t. He seemed calm and confident and…happy.
It really was silly…
But as Miyuki watched Chris step out of the restaurant and slip his coat around his shoulders—
It felt as if he was still chasing after him.
“Thanks for dinner, senpai. You really didn’t need to pay for me.”
Chris smiled back at him. “Get the next one, professional baseball player.”
Miyuki opened his mouth—but the question never made it past his lips—and he shut his mouth instead.
Not that it mattered. Chris recognized his struggle all the same. He sighed.
“It’s not that I don’t…that I don’t appreciate—” Chris grimaced as he looked down at his shoes. “I don’t know, Miyuki.”
“I’m not asking for forever,” said Miyuki with a shrug. “I just thought we should try. And maybe it works out and maybe it doesn’t but at least we’d know.” Miyuki cocked his head to the side as he glanced at Chris. “Don’t you want to know?”
Chris didn’t answer for a long time. Miyuki let the silence stretch. He was patient…and terrified.
“Miyuki...your life is going to be—there’s no need to get hung up on...” Chris ran a hand through his hair. He let out a short laugh and Miyuki wasn’t sure what was funny about all of this. “Anyway...you should keep your options open.”
Miyuki wanted to ask—for what? For who?
Instead, he let out a long breath and forced himself to smile as he said, “Sure, senpai.”
—
Chris was drafted in the fourth round by the Fukuoka Hawks.
And he still managed to graduate college with grades so high he probably pissed some people off. Miyuki wasn’t sure how Chris would take that—he honestly probably wouldn’t care—but Miyuki found the idea funny…and more than a little attractive.
There was a certain kind of twisted satisfaction in not being the only person Chris had left behind.
Miyuki had missed the actual graduation ceremony. The Lions were starting a three game series against the Giants tomorrow. Miyuki had dropped off his luggage at the hotel the team was staying at and immediately caught a cab.
He pushed open the door to the bar—and let out a relieved sigh because Chris was still here.
He was still wearing the black suit he must have worn for the ceremony. Except the jacket was draped on the back of a chair and his tie was loose around his neck and the sleeves of his white dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows.
He had a glass of beer in one hand and was smiling at his circle of friends. He turned and spotted Miyuki—
“Miyuki! You made it!”
And Miyuki felt the tightness in his chest release in the face of so much warmth and familiarity.
“Congratulations on graduating, senpai.”
“Thanks,” replied Chris before he turned to his friends who were all looking at Miyuki with obvious curiosity. “This is Miyuki Kazuya. We went to High School together.”
Miyuki smiled and shook hands and tried to remember everyone’s name—and eventually gave up and just said, “The next round’s on me.”
Which he had learned was enough to make friends almost anywhere.
It was a little overwhelming being there. Miyuki had known before he had ever shown up that it was going to be. This happened every once and a while. In the locker room or on the bench or out to dinner with his teammates. They would start to talk about TV shows or movies or video games, about trips they were planning or hobbies they were starting, about family and friends—
And Miyuki would go a little quiet…and thoughtful.
Anabuki had turned towards him once and asked, “What about you, kid?”
And Miyuki had laughed because he loved baseball…
And not much else.
It was somehow worse here in this bar. Surrounded by people who were all about the same age as him. He listened to their stories and their jokes. He learned about their lives—and just how different they were from his.
Chris had always managed to find the balance.
And Miyuki absently wondered if that was what Chris had meant that one time—
About keeping your options open.
It must have been.
Miyuki knew that as soon as the door opened and an overly friendly voice called out sweetly, “Congratulations, Yuu!”
And Miyuki didn’t miss the way Chris’ eyes flicked towards him. There was weight in that look. A heaviness. A burden. An…apology.
“Isamu,” greeted Chris warmly—as he pulled the other man into his arms—and kissed him. “You made it.”
“I couldn’t miss my boyfriend’s graduation party!” Isamu kissed Chris’ cheek with a laugh before he greeted each of their friends one by one. His eyes finally settling on Miyuki. “Hi, I’m Takahashi Isamu.”
Miyuki raised his beer glass in greeting—in a concession. “Miyuki Kazuya.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” said Isamu and he seemed to genuinely mean it. “How do you know Yuu?”
Miyuki couldn’t help glancing at Chris. His expression was perfectly neutral and Miyuki wasn’t sure what to make of that. Instead, he ruthlessly shoved down the sick, clawing feeling bubbling in his gut and turned his attention back to Isamu.
Miyuki plastered his best media ready smile on his face. It made Chris grimace, but his boyfriend didn’t seem to notice.
“We went to High School together.”
“Oh,” said Isamu. “Do you play baseball too?”
—
In the ninth inning, Miyuki was put in as a pinch hitter.
He sent the second pitch—a hanging fastball left over the plate—over the right field fence. A three run homerun to put them ahead of the Giants.
Anabuki was laughing, clearly delighted as he slapped Miyuki on the back. “Damn, kid.”
Miyuki didn’t say anything. He finished putting on his catching gear and grabbed his mask before heading onto the field to finish out the game.
He slipped his mask on as he settled in behind home plate.
—
Chris was sitting against the headboard when Miyuki woke up. He was looking out of the window. The sheet pooled around his waist.
Miyuki got a little lost watching him. Watching him sit in the soft morning light.
Miyuki hadn’t asked about the college boyfriend. The one he had met all those months ago.
He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. And if Miyuki was being completely honest with himself, he was just cruel enough and just selfish enough to not care.
How they had ended up in bed with each other, Miyuki still wasn’t sure. With both of their schedules they should have never been in the same city at the same time. But the Hawks had been playing the Giants and Miyuki had been traded at the All Star break to the Chunichi Dragons just in time for them to be playing the Swallows and…
Well…
Miyuki reached up to run a finger across the bruise that he had left on Chris’ neck. Low enough that his uniform would cover it. There was another mark on the soft skin where Chris’ neck met his shoulder in the faint pattern of Miyuki’s teeth.
He wondered what Chris would tell his teammates. The thought caused Miyuki to chuckle.
Chris glanced at him then. He reached up, taking Miyuki’s hand in his own and kissing the tips of his fingers.
Miyuki sighed. He had a plane to catch, but maybe they had enough time—
“Isamu and I broke up.”
Miyuki bit back a much less pleasant sigh. He let his fingers slip from Chris’ grip so he could push himself up. He leaned back against the headboard.
“What happened?”
Chris shrugged. It sounded like he wasn’t sure. There wasn’t anything dramatic about it. They thought that they could stay together even with the distance between them. Chris had moved to Fukaoka and Isamu had stayed in Tokyo for his residency—and of course Chris had been dating a doctor and…
“We drifted apart.”
Chris closed his eyes and tipped the back of his head against the headboard. Exposing the long line of his neck. It left him looking…exposed. Vulnerable in a way that Miyuki hated seeing.
“It turns out relationships need time and attention and work.”
And Miyuki didn’t know what to say to that.
Chris would be headed back to Fukuoka tomorrow. Miyuki was flying to Hokkaido in a few hours.
There was an old question rising up in Miyuki’s throat—
He hated how this time it was easier to swallow down.
—
Miyuki didn’t ask again.
Chris was busy becoming the absolute darling of the Fukuoka Hawks and Miyuki was busy making life a living hell for anyone who dared to face him on the field—and every once in a while he terrorized those who took the field with him. Time had smoothed some of Miyuki’s edges, but not all of them.
And it was good. Great even.
But every once and a while, they would meet up for dinner or drinks with each other or with some other Seido alums and Miyuki would catch Chris looking at him from across the table.
And he could see the question in his eyes.
And Miyuki wondered if they were actually asking themselves the same question.
—
“Moshi, moshi.”
“Hey, Miyuki.”
Miyuki smiled because he couldn’t help it. Because even after all these years the sound of Chris’ voice still managed to rekindle a spark that refused to be buried and forgotten. Instead, it curled warm and pleasant in Miyuki’s memory. Brought back to life in new and surprising ways.
Miyuki was in Yokohama. He knew Chris was in Osaka.
He had lost his game, but so had Chris.
And now there was a room service dinner to eat and scorebooks to look over and footage to watch and another day to do it all over again.
Miyuki settled on the hotel bed suddenly exhausted…and home sick.
Which was silly. Tokyo was now a city he traveled to, a condo he hardly ever lived in, a place where he visited his dad whenever he wanted to feel like nothing but a kid again.
But if Tokyo wasn’t home—
This hotel room sure as hell wasn’t either.
Chris’ soft voice broke through his thoughts, “Rough day at the office?”
And Miyuki laughed. “Yeah. Something like that.”
Chris hummed.
Another game. Another season. Another year and still…
They were here.
And Miyuki let himself wonder in a way he hadn’t let himself in years…
—
“You’re my friend, right?”
The question caught Miyuki off guard. He lowered the beer bottle he was holding as he glanced at Chris. His expression was thoughtful, but otherwise unreadable.
Miyuki assumed that the answer to that question was obvious, but since it apparently wasn’t he said, “Yeah. Of course.”
“How long have we been friends?”
Miyuki huffed a laugh because that answer was harder to pin down. “I don’t know. Since your third year at Seido?”
“That long?” asked Chris, clearly amused. “I thought we hadn’t become friends till after I graduated college.”
“What? After we slept together?”
Miyuki found the whole thing hilarious—
But Chris apparently didn’t.
He was frowning at his own beer bottle. His fingers absently peeling the label away from the glass.
“I’m sorry about that.”
Miyuki huffed before he took a quick sip of his beer. “I’m not.”
Chris grimaced. “It…wasn’t fair to you. That’s…that’s not how you’re supposed to treat a friend.”
“No, I guess it’s not.” Miyuki lowered his bottle. “But I’m still not sorry.”
—
Miyuki still couldn’t bring himself to be sorry.
Not when Chris pressed him up against his hotel room door. His broad, calloused palms sliding across his skin and sending a shiver down his spine.
—
“We might never be more than this,” whispered Chris into Miyuki’s skin. “Just a collection of stolen moments in hotel rooms and late night phone calls and maybe a few months of seeing each other in the off season.”
Miyuki lifted his head just enough to look at Chris. “Does that scare you?”
Chris huffed a laugh and Miyuki could feel the hot puff of breath. “Not as much as it used to. What about you?”
Miyuki found himself scoffing. It was such a ridiculous question.
“I’ve been terrified since the first time I asked you out.”
He could feel Chris freeze—and start to pull away—and Miyuki turned and wrapped his hand around the back of Chris’ neck. Holding him still. Holding him close.
“I asked you anyway.”
Chris closed his eyes and nodded.
“Yeah,” he breathed. His words were no more than a whisper when he added, “You did.”
—
Miyuki was surprised to find Chris waiting for him.
Their game had gone into extra innings.
For twelve innings Miyuki had looked out across the field and wondered which one of them would be the first to slip. It wouldn’t take much. A small mistake. A lapse of judgment. Just plain dumb luck.
In the end, Chris’ team had won.
It had come down to the depth of the bullpens. The Dragons’ starting pitcher had only lasted five innings. Handing it over to the bullpen for what ended up being seven more innings. They had been running on fumes by then. Miyuki could only do so much from behind home plate. The Hawks managed two solid doubles in a row to bring the game to a close.
Miyuki had shaken Chris’ hand—
And had been struck by a sudden feeling of deja vu.
The feeling followed after him. Clinging to him even as he stripped down to shower.
Miyuki felt beyond worn out. His body and his mind were both exhausted. To keep focused for that long had taken its toll.
He stood under the spray of the shower for ten minutes doing nothing but staring at the tiles.
Chris didn’t look much better. He was slumped against the wall at the end of the hallway. He was wearing a variation of what he had always worn around the dorms at Seido. A t-shirt and track pants. A duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He hadn’t bothered to dry his hair after showering either.
He still looked up at Miyuki and cracked a weary smile.
“We should go on a date.”
Miyuki let out a long breath—a breath that felt like he had been holding for years—he shook his head…and smiled as he said,
“Yeah, we should.”
And Chris reached out…
And Miyuki took his hand.