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It took Eric a while to realise SmallAnt was his soulmate. Probably longer than it should have, especially with how visible his soulmark was. But, in Eric's defence, the guy didn't have his hands on stream that often, and Eric liked to have streams on in the background. He listened to them as much, if not more, than he watched them.
It was only during one of the pencil-sharpening speedrun streams that he finally saw it. Covering the back of Tanner's hand was an intricate design inked in stark black lines.
The stream quality wasn't really high enough to make out all the details, but it was clearly a tattoo and, based on the lack of reaction, Eric was the only one who could see it. He didn't think SmallAnt having a hand tattoo would go unnoticed by twitch chat.
Once Eric noticed, he studied the tattoo obsessively, rewinding the vod and pausing to try and get a good look. His eyes poured over the lines on Tanner's hand, looking for similarities between it and his own. Soulmarks weren't necessarily identical, but they were meant to be complementary.
Eric had never particularly liked his soulmark. For one thing, it was on his left hip, so the chances of his soulmate seeing his mark randomly were basically non-existent. His mom had always said that meant his soulmate's mark would be somewhere prominent, so he would be able to find them. Well, she'd been right about that.
Privately, he'd also always thought his soulmark was a little ugly. He could see beauty in the design itself, swooping black lines depicting what seemed to be a sun and a swirl of clouds, but there were sections that were just… missing. It looked wrong. Like chunks had been gouged out.
Still, as he inspected the low-quality screenshots he'd taken of Tanner's stream, he thought he could see similar looking lines decorating the back of his hand. And the fact that he seemed to be the only one who could see it at all meant more than anything else.
But there was always the possibility, however slim, that he was wrong, and that made him hesitate before bringing it up. He wasn't sure their developing friendship could handle him looking like a crazy obsessive stalker.
And he liked Tanner. The other streamer was funny, smart, always had something interesting to say. And ever since he'd noticed his soulmark, Eric had realised that he thought he was attractive too. He hadn't noticed before, but he'd been crushing pretty hard.
He'd have to be casual, wait for it to come up in conversation, drop a few hints. Maybe he could mention that he thought Tanner's tattoo looked cool, see what he said.
But before he got the chance to say anything at all, something else happened. Someone brought up soulmates in Tanner's chat.
"Would I ever show my soulmark on stream, in case my soulmate is watching?" Tanner read out. "Maybe I have already, how would you know if you're not my soulmate."
He was quiet for a moment while he clicked through the game's opening menu.
"I'm not really sure I see the point in soulmarks though, chat. If I meet my soulmate and we're into each other, surely we'll realise eventually, mark or no mark. And if we aren't, then what's the point of trying to force it, just because fate or the universe or whatever says we should?"
It was an unusually serious comment from Tanner, and it made something heavy settle in Eric's chest. Clearly this was something he'd thought a lot about.
So he didn't say anything. How could he, after that?
Eric wasn't sure anymore when things had started to go wrong. Maybe they'd always been going wrong and he'd just been too blinded by Tanner's charm, his own stupid crush, by the fact that they were meant to be soulmates, to see it. Too blind to see that the other streamer simply didn't give a shit about him, just liked having someone around who looked up to him, who he could mock and tease.
It had taken Eric too long but he'd finally opened his eyes. And now he was glad he'd never said anything about his soulmark, because undoubtedly it would only have been another weapon for Tanner, for SmallAnt, to hurt him with.
He couldn't stand looking at it now. He was glad that it was usually hidden under his clothes, that in the shower, with his glasses off, he could pretend the smudge of black was something else. Anything else. The trail of ugly lines across his hip made him feel sick, indelible proof that he was supposedly destined to be with a guy who'd never once managed to notice how his words, his actions, were making Eric feel. But destiny could go fuck itself. Either the universe had made a mistake, or it hated him.
Most everyone had a soulmate. Murderers, terrorists, dictators. The worst people on earth had a mark on their body tying them to another person. Maybe all that meant is that in different circumstances, those creatures could have been worthy of love. And their soulmate would have been the right person to love them. But that didn't mean their soulmates weren't able to leave, abandon ship and find love elsewhere.
That's what Eric told himself anyway. Because the alternative was that their soulmates were just as despicable as they were.
Time passed. And so did Eric's anger. Not quickly, and not all at once, but in slow, sporadic bursts.
Therapy helped. Talking to people helped. Watching Tortellini swim around in his tank and reckoning with the way he'd behaved like an immature child had helped.
His therapist had been the first person he'd told about his soulmark. When he'd started seeing her, he'd still been angry at SmallAnt, but he'd also started to realise that the other streamer hadn't been the only problem. Even if he was an asshole, Eric needed to have better control of himself.
He hadn't even been planning to tell her that they were soulmates, it just slipped out.
"I looked up to him, a lot, so it really hurt to have him treat me like he didn't care at all, especially…"
His therapist, Maria, waited a moment for him to continue, before prompting, "especially?"
"We're soulmates," Eric said, without thinking. "I think, anyway."
"Tell me about that," she said. There was no judgement in her voice, something he was gradually becoming used to with Maria.
Eric shrugged, looking down at his hands. "I never confirmed it with him. But I saw his soulmark. I've never seen anyone else's, so I don't think I'm like… Sensitive, or anything. And no one ever commented on him having a hand tattoo so I don't think it was just an ordinary tattoo."
She made a couple of notes. "When did you find this out?"
"I knew for a while before… Before everything went down. I didn't say anything because he'd said this whole thing on stream about how he thought soulmarks were pointless, that if people were destined to be together they'd end up together anyway."
"And how did that make you feel?"
Eric frowned. "What he said, or us being soulmates?"
"Whichever you feel like answering." She smiled gently.
"I don't know really." He started slowly. "I didn't mind what he said at the time, because I guess I sort of assumed he was right. And then when— Well I was glad I hadn't said anything, because I didn't want him to know."
"And now?" Her voice was soft, but Eric still flinched.
"I- I don't know. Part of me thinks that maybe if he'd known things would have gone differently, but I'm not sure that's true. And I'm not sure I want it to be true."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, it would mean that he could have treated me better, but because we were 'only' friends, he chose not to. I think that would be worse."
After that, the topic only came up rarely, despite Tanner being at the centre of many of their sessions. Eric never forgot that Tanner was his soulmate, but it seemed less important than reckoning with his part in how things had gone down. And over time he gradually started to realise the true extent of the mistakes he'd made.
It wasn't that he thought Tanner had behaved perfectly, but he could see now how his own inability to communicate openly and frankly, and the lack of grace he'd given Tanner for his own mistakes, assuming malice where there likely was none, had gradually whipped up a tornado that had torn both of them apart.
Gradually, slowly, the topic of reaching out came up. He wasn't sure if it was him or Maria who brought it up first, but it didn't really matter. Once the idea lodged in his head, he kept coming back to it.
He didn't expect Tanner to forgive him, god knows he wasn't sure he would in Tanner's situation, and he'd had a lot of therapy. But he still thought he owed it to them both to apologise.
Maria listened as he explained why this was something he felt like he needed to do. They talked about what Eric would do if Tanner ignored it, if he reacted badly. How to make sure it wouldn't set him back.
"You know you don't need my approval Eric, but I think that the way you're talking, this has the chance to be very healing for you. Give you space to move on."
Eric nodded tightly.
Marie continued. "We've talked a lot about how to process Tanner's reaction, but not about what you're planning to say. Have you got any thoughts on that?"
Eric nodded again, and dug his phone out of his pocket. "Yeah, I- I've started writing a list. I want to get it all clear before I send the message."
He ran through the list with her, and she nodded and made some notes.
"I notice you've not mentioned your soulmate status."
Her tone was neutral, but Eric still bristled. He wanted to snap back, 'what's that got to do with anything', but he knew, he'd learnt, that his instinctive reactions weren't always helpful. He took a breath.
"I honestly hadn't even thought about it. Won't it just complicate things?"
Maria tapped her pen on her notebook. "It might do, but you can still bring it up if you feel it's relevant. I know we've talked about how it might have contributed to some of your feelings of resentment towards Tanner not being aware of your emotional state."
Eric let himself really think about it, about whether his initial reluctance was based on anything, or just because it hadn't occurred to him.
"I don't want him to think that I'm trying to excuse my behaviour," he said hesitantly, "or that the only reason I'm apologising is because we're soulmates. I might bring it up eventually, depending on how things go." If he ever wants to talk to me again, Eric thought. "But I think it'll only muddy the waters to begin with."
Maria smiled at him. "Then it sounds like you've got a good plan together Eric. Just remember that, no matter what happens, you've come a long way."
What Eric didn't tell her was that he wasn't sure he was ever going to mention his soulmark to Tanner. Not only did he not want to set his expectations higher for their call than 'Tanner doesn't tell him to fuck off and never speak to him again', but even if they did somehow start talking again, did Eric deserve to? He couldn't just undo everything he'd said, everything he'd put Tanner though, with a mark that said they were meant to be together.
Amazingly, Tanner did not tell him to fuck off. They had a long talk, and at the end of it, Tanner said he'd need to think about everything Eric said.
Then the next day, Tanner called him, and not only accepted his apology, but apologised for his part in events. They talked about everything that had happened, and then they ended talking about other stuff, and somehow by the time the call had ended, they'd been talking for three hours.
And it didn't end there. They didn't stop talking. It was tentative at first, but soon they were sending each other messages most days. Voice calling at least once a week. Tanner explained the concept of 'body-doubling' to him, where you do something boring, like chores, with someone else, and it makes it easier. Apparently it helped a lot with Tanner's ADHD.
Eric didn't have ADHD, that he knew of, but he definitely found it helpful, having Tanner's low voice in his ears, as they chatted about anything, while he sorted his laundry, or cooked dinner. Presumably Tanner did this with a lot of his friends, but Eric never asked, because that way he could pretend it was something special, for just the two of them.
"So, I had an idea."
"Oh?" Eric said, half-listening as he tugged at the sheet on his bed until it came loose.
"Anthony Padilla's been doing these interviews with different content creators. And his team reached out to see if I had anything that I'd wanna talk about, and I thought about us."
"Us?" Eric abandoned the sheet and sat down on the bed.
"Yeah. I wanna be friends with you again dude. Publicly. And I know we could put out community posts or some shit but this way it would be all over and done with in one go. And it wouldn't be tied to your channel, or to mine."
Eric found himself grabbing onto a nearby pillow, and holding it in his lap. He tried to formulate a coherent response, but before he could say anything Tanner continued, filling the silence.
"But maybe it was a dumb idea, don't worry about it-"
"No!" Eric said hurriedly. "It wasn't dumb, I was just surprised. I think it's a great idea."
"Really?" Eric could hear the surprise in Tanner's voice, as well as the way he tried to keep his voice casual. It was cute, but then Eric found everything Tanner did alarmingly endearing.
"Yeah. We'll need to talk about what to do with chat and stuff, but yeah. You're right, we gotta tell them at some point, can't keep being each other's dirty little secrets," he said, laughing.
"Oh baby, I'll be your dirty little secret anytime," Tanner quipped back, sending a flush to Eric's cheeks. He knew Tanner had a habit of flirting with his friends, on stream anyway, but still, in moments like these, he couldn't help but wonder whether sometimes it meant something more.
"I think you're too tall to be anyone's little secret, Smant," Eric managed, trying to keep the teasing tone going.
Tanner didn't reply for a moment, and Eric was starting to think he fucked up, when he heard Tanner's voice, quieter than usual.
"You can call me Tanner."
"Okay. Tanner." Eric tested the name out. He'd called Smant 'Tanner' a handful of times but it still felt a little strange to say out loud. Intimate, almost. "Any reason for the sudden offer?"
Tanner hummed. "We're friends, felt a bit weird you calling me by my online handle all the time, especially when I call you Eric."
"CJ calls you Smant all the time though, so do loads of people." Eric pushed back, not even entirely sure why. It wasn't like he minded calling him Tanner.
"It's different."
Eric waited, but Tanner didn't elaborate. The silence stretched out until eventually he asked, "So, Anthony Padilla?"
It wasn't until they both arrived for the interview that Eric really thought about Tanner's soulmark. He didn't usually see it all that much when Tanner was streaming, and even when he did, there was no one there to catch him staring. Now, as he stood in the back of the room, watching Tanner gesticulate as he talked to Anthony, he found he couldn't stop his eyes from drifting to the black lines decorating Tanner's right hand.
It was a little easier once he was on camera. Then, he had the questions to distract him, and his own half-prepared answers. He hadn't wanted to completely script his responses but he wanted to have an idea of what he was going to say. He and Tanner had talked through the more personal questions. What they were going to say, what they would hold back.
There was a quick break between interviews to grab a swig of water and take a breather, but then they were back in front of the cameras, this time sat side by side. Eric couldn't see Tanner's hand at this angle, but the closeness was distracting in its own way. Despite the space between them, Eric was sure he could feel Tanner's body heat radiating from him. He resisted the urge to lean into it.
When the interview was over, Anthony shook their hands, thanking them for taking part, and then they were whisked out of the studio, back into the still mild Californian evening. Eric was just wondering whether he should offer Tanner a lift back to his hotel, or if that would come across as too… too… too something, when Tanner interrupted his train of thought.
"Do you want to get dinner with me?"
Eric turned to look up at him, his heart skipping a beat as Tanner's serious dark eyes stared back. Eric was sure he just meant as friends, but knowing that Tanner wanted to spend more time with him, even after a busy day, had him smiling.
"Yeah dude, absolutely. Did you want some suggestions or…?"
"Actually, there's a place I wanted to go, if you don't mind?"
"Sure, have you got the address?"
Tanner got out his phone and read out the address. Eric had to stop himself from doing a double take because he knew that name. Him, Abby, Trey, and a couple others had been there before, and he'd thought at the time that it would make a really good first date spot. He'd even said as much to Abby.
Eric entered the address into his own phone as they walked round the block to where his car was parked.
"So how did you even hear about this place?"
"Oh, a friend recommended it to me." Tanner said vaguely.
"Your friend's got good taste, I've been once before and it was amazing." Eric thought about asking who, but figured Tanner would have said if it was someone he knew.
Instead, Tanner just hummed in response. They were quiet for a moment while Eric started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. It was a quick drive to the restaurant, and they chatted a little about upcoming game releases, but both of them avoided mentioning the interview. Or, that's how it felt to Eric, anyway.
He barely noticed as they transitioned from the car to the restaurant, and soon they were seated. Eric skimmed the menu, and quickly found something he recognised from last time that he hadn't had the opportunity to try. He put the menu to one side and was a little surprised when Tanner did the same
"That was quick."
Tanner gave him a crooked half-smile. "I looked up the menu online earlier."
Eric laughed, he couldn't help himself.
"What?!" Tanner protested, in an exaggerated tone.
Eric waved him off, still laughing. "Nothing, it's just… It's very you."
Tanner pouted. "I wasn't gonna go somewhere I didn't like any of the food. I'm not that much of an altruist."
Calling it altruistic seemed a bit weird when Tanner hadn't even known Eric had been before, but maybe he was referring to his friend's recommendation. Eric shrugged it off and looked around to get the server's attention.
Once they'd both ordered, Eric turned back to Tanner, his gaze catching on Tanner's soulmark before he forced his eyes up to Tanner's face. Maybe he should finally broach the topic of the interview, since it didn't seem like Tanner was going to bring it up.
"So, how do you think the interview went?"
Tanner shrugged, looking a little awkward. "It was fine. I'm always a bit uncomfortable with these kinds of things but I think the final video will be good. And you were great."
Eric felt his face heat up a little and he rubbed the back of his neck. "Thanks man, you too. These things always feel so contrived, y'know. Have you done many interviews?"
Tanner shrugged again. "A few." There was a pause before he said, carefully, "hey, can we uh, not talk about work stuff right now?"
"Oh yeah, sure," Eric said, a little confused but willing to go along with it. He tried to think of something else they could talk about, but everything in his mind seemed to lead back to work, one way or another. Maybe that was something he should bring up with his therapist.
Fortunately, Tanner saved them from an awkward silence.
"So what games have you been enjoying recently?" he asked, leaning forwards. He rested his chin on his hands and for a moment Eric found himself distracted once again by the soulmark decorating the back of his right hand. But then the question registered and Eric laughed.
"Dude, I thought we weren't talking about work."
"This is completely different!" Tanner protested. "I didn't ask what you'd been streaming, I wanna know if you've been playing anything fun."
"What if the game I've been having the most fun with I have been streaming?" Eric countered.
Tanner raised an eyebrow. "Have you?"
"Okay, no, but I could have been," Eric defended, over the top of Tanner's laughter.
"So what is it then?" Tanner asked, once they'd both calmed down.
And somehow Eric found himself gushing about Sea of Stars, which he'd picked up recently on a whim and fallen in love with. Tanner listened, and asked follow-up questions, seemingly utterly absorbed, despite the fact it didn't really seem to be his thing at all.
Eric didn't notice how long he'd been talking until their food arrived.
"Oh my god, you should have told me to shut up," he groaned.
Tanner tilted his head, frowning. "Why?"
"I've been rambling about something you're not even interested in." Eric's mom would be horrified at his lack of basic manners.
"Who says I'm not interested?"
"You literally just said that you don't really play turn-based games other than Pokémon." Eric pointed out.
"Doesn't mean I'm not interested." Tanner said simply. "You make it interesting."
"O-oh, thanks." Eric looked down, away from Tanner's intense stare. He needed a second.
"Okay, but it's your turn now," he said, when he'd recovered his words. "What have you been doing off-stream?"
Tanner shrugged, suddenly looking a little unsure.
"Surely there's something in your life you haven't been turning into content?" Eric teased.
"I have been trying to get back into playing piano," Tanner said slowly. "But I've been struggling. I still remember all my old pieces just fine, I'm just having difficulty with learning new stuff."
"Oh." Eric hadn't realised Tanner played the piano. "What sort of stuff have you been working on?"
Tanner got his phone out. "I can never remember the name, but it's this piece."
He passed the phone over and Eric scanned through the score. It looked a bit complex for a beginner to Eric, but he had no idea what level Tanner had been playing at.
"Is it the same kind of level as the other stuff you can play?"
"Maybe a bit harder? It's only a few passages that are fucking me up though." Tanner sounded annoyed, like the music wasn't cooperating with him and Eric stifled a laugh.
"Have you got a teacher?"
"No, it's a big time commitment."
"You're not wrong, but you'll probably find you make a lot more progress with one. I sometimes wonder if I should go back to having lessons."
Tanner looked up at him, surprised. "I didn't know you played."
Eric ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I've been playing since I was a kid. Definitely nowhere near professional, but I'm not bad."
Something occurred to Eric and, his heart beating faster, he blurted it out before he could second guess himself. "If you wanted, you could come back to mine after dinner? I could go through it with you, maybe give you some pointers?"
"That's very forward for a first date, Mr. Pointcrow," Tanner murmured, in the low tone he used on stream when he was making innuendos.
Eric's face heated up, but he reached over and shoved Tanner's arm, ignoring the tingle in his fingers from the small amount of contact.
"Dude, shut up. You can just say no, it was probably a stupid idea anyway."
"What if I don't want to say no?" Tanner's fingers twitched and for a wild moment Eric thought he was going to reach out and take Eric's hand. Eric coughed.
"Then I guess we better get started on dinner." He glanced at the almost untouched plates of food in front of them.
Their conversation slowed as they ate, and Eric kept finding himself distracted by the way Tanner's soulmark shifted as he moved his fingers. It was entrancing.
Once, he saw Tanner's gaze follow his own, and he looked like he might say something, ask what Eric was looking at. And, for the first time in a long time, Eric wondered if he should tell him. But something held him back. Maybe it was the words Tanner had said all that time ago, or maybe it was that their friendship still felt delicate to him. Breakable. So he kept quiet and Tanner didn't say anything.
The rest of dinner passed in a haze of chat and laughs. Eric was used to hanging out with Tanner by now, but everything felt so much more intense in person. He was so distracted he almost didn't notice when Tanner went to pay the bill.
"What're you doing? Aren't we gonna split the bill?"
Tanner turned to look at him. "But I thought- I was the one who invited you to dinner?"
"So?" Eric had no idea what Tanner was getting at.
"Doesn't that mean I should pay?" Tanner looked as confused as Eric felt.
"Not where I'm from."
Tanner looked like he wanted to argue, and Eric was getting ready to stand his ground, because he paid for his own damn meals thank you very much, but in the end Tanner relented. They split the bill and Eric once again led Tanner back to his car, this time driving them to his apartment.
Eric felt nervous as he let them into his apartment. He'd never had Tanner to stay before and he hadn't been expecting to have anyone over, so it was in its usual state of disarray.
But Tanner didn't make any comment, and so Eric tried to shake off the nerves as they went into his office, where his electric piano was set up. He pulled up a chair and gestured for Tanner to sit at the stool as he grabbed his iPad and searched up the music.
Tanner looked sidelong at him, a little wide-eyed. Eric was so used to the confidence that the other man exuded normally that it took him a second to realise Tanner was nervous.
"It's probably not going to be very good," he warned Eric.
"If it is, you lured me here under false pretences," Eric said, and a warmth spread in his chest at Tanner's chuckle.
Tanner spread his long fingers out over the keys, and Eric held his breath as he began. He tried to focus on the music, on having something helpful to say, but his eyes just kept following the bold, but delicate, black lines on the back of Tanner's right hand as his fingers moved across the keys.
All too soon, the music ended and Tanner turned to him expectantly.
"Yeah, that was good, uh," Eric tried to think of something constructive to add, but his gaze drifted back down to Tanner's hand. It was like he couldn't stop himself from tracing the lines in his mind, trying to match them to his own.
"Dude, are you okay? You keep spacing out. If you need to go to bed or something it's okay. I can get an uber."
"Nah, I'm good, sorry." Eric forced his eyes away from the stark black design on Tanner's hand. The one he shouldn't be able to see.
"Are you sure? It was happening in the restaurant as well. Looked like you were staring at my… hand."
Tanner trailed off as he looked down at the soulmark on his hand. "Wait. Can you… See it?"
Eric swallowed, his mouth dry. All of a sudden it felt like it was now, or never. He couldn't lie to Tanner about this.
"I, yeah."
"What about yours," Tanner demanded, almost angrily, scanning Eric's exposed skin as if it would suddenly jump out at him.
"It's not visible. I'll have to, uh, take off my pants," he stuttered out, flushing as he did.
Red bloomed in Tanner's cheeks, but he nodded, determined. "Okay."
Eric wriggled out of his pants and stood up, taking a step back and turning so his left hip faced Tanner. Heart beating rapidly in his chest, he pulled his boxers out the way so that Tanner could see his mark, without revealing too much else.
"It's there. On- on my hip."
"I can see," Tanner said, quietly. He took a step closer and reached out slowly, moving as if he wasn't really in control of himself. His fingers found their way to Eric's hip and as they splayed out, they settled into the gaps of Eric's mark, and Eric finally realised. His soulmark had never been ugly, or damaged, or broken. It was just incomplete.
Now the pattern flowed smoothly, over Eric and Tanner's skin, in one single mural. What had seemed like semi random shapes now came into focus and Eric could see it finally. The sun on his hip and the moon on Tanner's hand, in perfect balance.
It was beautiful.
"I never understood how my mark was going to match someone else's," Tanner said, and when Eric raised his eyes he saw that Tanner was still staring at their soulmark. "I'd never heard of anyone having their soulmark on their fingers before. It seemed so different. Jarring. But look at us."
Eric couldn't help it, he reached up and pulled Tanner's face close. Surprised eyes met his for a second, before Tanner smiled and closed the gap, brushing their lips together, whisper soft.
Eric just enjoyed the gentle caress for a few moments, before pressing in closer, coaxing Tanner's mouth open and deepening the kiss. Time stretched out like honey as they kissed, and it felt like it could have been hours later when they finally broke apart. Not willing to completely break contact, Eric mouthed down Tanner's neck, and revelled in the little gasps the other man made as he gently sucked and nipped.
When Eric reached Tanner's collarbone, he let his mouth separate from skin, and turned to rest his head against Tanner's chest. His hands slid up Tanner's back, pulling him closer, and he let his eyes close as Tanner's arms wrapped around him.
But he couldn't help the doubts that crept in and he knew he had to voice them or they would continue to haunt him. "Are you really just okay with this? You find out we're soulmates and suddenly everything just changes?"
All Eric could hear for a few moments was Tanner's heartbeat, a little fast, but steady in his ear, before Tanner's voice rumbled out. "Eric, I wanted to date you before I knew, wasn't that obvious?" He chuckled. "You know, I had this whole speech planned, about how I didn't care that we weren't soulmates, I could see myself being with you for my whole life anyway, and you've made that a bit pointless now."
Eric's breath caught in his throat, and he pulled away to look up at Tanner's face. "So, you were going to ask me out? Even though you didn't know?"
Tanner's eyebrows turned up in confusion. "I thought I already had? Didn't we just go on a date?"
"That was a date?" Eric felt like he was two steps behind and struggling to catch up.
"That's why I offered to pay. I don't do that for all my friends, I'm not that nice." Tanner ran a hand through his hair. "I wasn't sure what the right thing to do when two guys go out was, but people online seemed to think that the one asking should pay."
Eric smiled, he couldn't help himself. Of course Tanner had looked up who pays on a gay date.
"I'm sorry I didn't realise it was a date," Eric said, as he grabbed his pants and slid back into them. "I just thought you were hungry."
"He just thought I was hungry," Tanner repeated quietly, in disbelief.
Eric couldn't stop grinning. He was sure he must look like a madman, but it didn't matter. Tanner wanted him. He grabbed Tanner's hand and pulled him through into the living room and onto the couch.
"So who was the friend that suggested the restaurant then?" Eric asked as he wrapped an arm around Tanner. Maybe he was being too touchy for what was essentially their first date, but he just couldn't stop himself. Now that he knew he could, he never wanted to let Tanner go.
Tanner gave him a side-long look, his mouth twitching into a half-smile. "It was Abby."
"I should have known," Eric grumbled lightly. She could have warned him.
Tanner nudged Eric's shoulder with his, and Eric nudged back, leaning into his warmth.
"So… How long have you known?"
It took Eric a moment to realise what Tanner was asking and when he did, he tensed, looking away at the floor.
"A while," he said awkwardly.
"How long?" Tanner asked again.
"Since before," Eric gestured, trying to capture what he was failing to say with words. "Everything." He tried to remember. "Sometime in 2020, I guess?"
"But," Tanner paused, and looked away, curling his hands together and rubbing at the mark roughly. "Why didn't you say?" His voice was small.
"I- You said you didn't want to know."
"What? No I didn't!" Tanner stared at him, something fierce in his eyes.
"You did," Eric pressed. "Or, you said it didn't matter, anyway. That the soulmark didn't mean anything because if you were destined to be with someone you would figure that out together anyway."
"I-" Eric watched Tanner deflate as he processed Eric's words. "I did say that, yeah." He tucked his knees up against him on the couch. It made him look smaller than he was.
Eric didn't know what to do. His first instinct was to fill the silence with words, with platitudes, but he'd spent enough time speaking with Tanner to know that while he was always ready with a comeback, when it came to sharing something more serious, he needed time to put the pieces together in his head first. But how was Eric meant to know if this was one of those times?
So he sat there, frozen, until eventually, slowly, Tanner started to speak.
"I definitely thought I meant it, at the time. And I don't know how I would have reacted if you'd told me then. But, looking back, the reason I was so casual about it was because I felt content with my life, so I was happy not seeking out my soulmate. I didn't realise that was because you were there, all along."
He smiled crookedly at Eric, eyes slightly wet. "When I realised that, that you were what made me happy, I knew I needed to have you in my life, soulmate or no soulmate."
Eric pulled him in for a kiss, overwhelmed by emotion, and needing to express it somehow. Tanner reciprocated eagerly and they stayed locked together for a long moment, communicating what they couldn't put into words.
When he settled back against the couch, Eric reached for Tanner's hand, twining their fingers together.
"So you never went looking for your soulmate?"
Tanner gave a half-shrug. "I did post pictures on a few soulmate websites, when we weren't talking. But after we got back in touch, I kinda lost interest in it. It's not like it got me anywhere, anyway." His eyes glinted sidelong at Eric. "I guess I know why now."
Eric huffed a laugh. "I can't believe-" He cut himself off.
"What?" Tanner asked, squeezing his hand lightly.
"I was going to say 'I can't believe we could have avoided all this if I'd just told you', but I actually don't think that's true." If anything, Eric thought it was entirely possible their falling out would have been worse.
Tanner leaned over and tucked himself into Eric, and Eric lifted his arms to wrap around Tanner, holding him close. "I can't say I'm glad that you didn't say anything then, but I'm glad I get to be with you now. I'm a better person than I was then, and god- Eric you've grown so much." His voice was slightly muffled by Eric's T-shirt, but nevertheless, Eric heard every word.
Eric squeezed Tanner gently, his throat tight. "So, what do we do now?" he asked, into Tanner's hair.
"Right now, or existentially?"
"Uhh, both, I guess."
"Right now I'm enjoying this. You should probably drop me back at my hotel before it gets too late though."
Eric's arms tightened around Tanner instinctively. "What if you stayed the night? Not- not to do anything," he added hurriedly, face heating up. "I just don't think I'm ready to let you go."
Tanner's face turned to look up at him, a familiar smirk ghosting his lips. "That depends, what're you offering? Gotta make it worth my while."
"What are you looking for?" Eric countered.
"Hmmmmm." Tanner stretched out lazily. "Some more kisses would be nice."
Eric smiled. "I think I can manage that. Anything else?"
"Breakfast in bed tomorrow?" Wide eyes looked at him, shining with mischief.
"Oh, I see how it is," Eric said, laughing. "He finds out we're soulmates and suddenly it's all 'breakfast in bed' and 'foot massages'."
"I didn't say anything about massages. Although if you're offering… You did say 'anything'." Tanner's mouth twitched, as he tried to keep a straight face.
Eric laughed softly. "I guess I did. Didn't promise I'd do it though."
He found himself picking up Tanner's hand, the one with his soulmark on, and tracing the lines with his fingers, over and over.
"No, you didn't." Tanner's voice was soft.
Eric linked their fingers together and brought Tanner's hand up to his mouth, pressing his lips against the moon on the back of his hand.
"And what about existentially?" he asked, into Tanner's skin.
Tanner hummed and leant his head against Eric's. "I know I want to be with you, I want you in my life for as long as you'll have me. The rest, we can figure out later."
"Later," Eric agreed, and reached up, holding Tanner's face in his hands and pressing as close as he could as he brought Tanner's mouth back to his.
The next morning, Tanner opened his eyes, disoriented for a moment until he realised. The walls of his bedroom hadn't magically changed overnight. He was in Eric's bedroom. Eric's bed.
When they'd finally gone to bed in the early hours of the morning, overtired and giggly from spending all evening intermittently talking and kissing, Eric had wrapped himself around Tanner.
Tanner had teased him, calling him a "jet pack", but Eric had just snuggled into his back and whispered "your jet pack" against his neck. Tanner had fallen asleep quickly with Eric's heat blanketing him. He missed it now. He almost go up out of bed to go looking for Eric, when he heard the sound of Eric swearing in the distance, and what sounded like him dropping the entire kitchen on the floor.
He smiled as he rolled over, into the patch of warmth Eric had left behind, and let himself start to doze off again. Maybe he would be getting breakfast in bed after all.