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Chris has always been a deep sleeper. Considering the horrible conditions he’s had to sleep in, he’s learned to make any place comfortable. So when he’s in the safety of his home, he sleeps like a log, nothing disturbing his much needed peace.
But this night, Chris does wake up. He feels a lack of warmth next to him, and he blearily opens his eyes to find the bed is empty.
Leon?, he thinks to himself, wondering where the man could be. Shuffling out of bed, he wraps a small blanket around himself to keep warm. He stops dead in his tracks when he hears sobs coming from the living room.
He sprints towards the living room, his heart aching with worries and questions. He steps into the living room to find Leon, curled up in the couch.
“Baby, hey, what’s wrong?” He asks, his voice still gruff from his sleeping state. Crouching down to get a proper look at Leon, Chris gently pulls Leon’s protective hands from himself. The tear stained face, the worried eyes, the uneven breathing all work together to make Chris’ heart ache in concern.
“Hey, I’m here, I’m here. You’re safe, I promise.” He whispers, assuming Leon has had another nightmare. It’s pretty often to find Leon in this state, and Chris is always happy to help him out of it.
Leon turns away, ashamed of his tear stained face. “It’s nothing.” He murmurs, his voice strained from the hours of sobbing.
“Le, listen to me. I am here to help you, okay? I know you aren’t just crying for no reason. Please baby. Let me help you.” Chris softly coaxes the crying man into letting himself be more vulnerable. With a gentle hand, he tucks a stray hair behind Leon’s ear. “Please, baby? I’m here to protect you, I promise.” A soft kiss to Leon’s forehead and a gentle hand rubbing his back are enough to make him break.
“I just… I can’t… I can’t sleep.” He murmured, his gaze still avoiding Chris’. “I know you’ve seen how tired I look lately. And I’ve tried to sleep, I really have. But I can’t. It’s driving me insane. I can’t do this.” He rubs at his eyes aggressively, the way his eyes burned with drowsiness angered him. It was taunting him, laughing at him for not being able to sleep.
Chris’ gaze softens, his hand immediately going up to cradle Leon’s cheeks. He frowns, not in disappointment, but in concern.
Leon, of course, assumes he had somehow disappointed his boyfriend, and his heart hurts at the thought.
“How long have you been like this?” Chris asks gently.
The other man looks away. “A few days.” He admits with guilt. He’s guilty that he has gone this long without proper sleep. Guilty that his boyfriend is probably going to scold him for being so stupid.
“Have you.. thought about going back to your psychiatrist?” He offers.
Leon felt offended at the question. He wasn’t mentally ill, why would he need to go back? He could take care of himself. “No…no.” He groans, emphasizing the second word.
“Tell me, why?”
“I told you. I’m not fucking mentally ill. I don’t need to go back.” Leon retorts, his voice dripping with irritation. He hopes his words cut through Chris like a blade.
Chris doesn’t hesitate, Leon’s blunt tone having no effect on him. He gently threads his fingers through Leon’s scalp, aiming to comfort him as much as he could.
Leon can feel Chris’ gaze, the way it probably judges him. Chris probably thinks Leon is some psychopath who needs psychiatric attention, some lunatic who can’t care for himself.
“I don’t need some therapist to help me. I’m fine on my own, Chris.” Leon immediately regrets his words the second they come out of his mouth. “I just.. need you.” He tacks on, finally feeling vulnerable enough to admit he needs Chris.
“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you baby.” Soft reassurances are whispered into Leon’s ear, but it just serves to irritate him more.
“I just want to sleep.” He says through gritted teeth, his voice heavy with frustration. He rubs a desperate hand through his scalp, hoping all of this would just cease to exist.
“Shhh. It’s okay baby.” Chris murmurs, slowly turning to place one hand under Leon’s back and the other in the crook of his knees. “Cmon, why don’t we get a nice bath going for you? And then you can have some nice tea after, yeah?”
Leon whines in protest. He’s being a child. Immature. Bratty. But he couldn’t care less. He was too sleep deprived to think clearly.
Chris picks him up anyways, leading him to the bedroom. He sets Leon down into the bed, watching as the man immediately curls into himself. “Here, just wait a second. I’ll get your bath ready.”
He leaves for a bit, preparing the bath, and returns to find Leon on the bed, his red stained eyes not focused on anything in particular. “Hey.” He whispers softly, placing a gentle hand on Leon’s back, rubbing in comforting circles. “You need a break. I just want the best for you. Let’s just give it a try okay?”
Leon whines in protest, but he’s not exactly sure why he’s protesting. “Fine.” He groans, his answer short and aimed to hurt Chris. “Only if the water is really hot.” He adds.
“Of course, baby. Just how you like it.” Chris nods, picking up Leon and bringing him to the bathroom.
“Just let me coddle you. Let me care of you.” He whispers as he helps Leon in taking his clothes off. He helps the tired man into the bathtub.
Leon sinks into the bathtub. The water is hot, exactly how Leon likes it. He smiles at the thought that Chris just somehow always gets it just right.
Leon rests his head on the wall of the bathtub, his head just barely above water. He plays with the idea of slipping under the water and never coming back up. But the thought is quickly swatted away. Chris’ gentle touch is enough to make him forget everything.
Almost as if on cue, Chris speaks up.
“Today is just one day. It’s not a representation of your life. We just need to take this slow, one day at a time, okay? And I’m here to help you Le.” He murmurs softly as he continues his soothing touches. Chris knows how hard Leon is being on himself, and he wants nothing but happiness for this boyfriend.
“Just ignore everything else. Focus on the now. Focus on the warm water soothing your muscles. Focus on my touch, my voice. I’m here.”
By the time Leon is actually focusing on his surroundings, he sees that Chris is almost done bathing him. The soft touches, gentle scrubbing, and soft reassurances are perfect, and Leon can’t thank him enough. He’s hit with a sudden sense of guilt, with a mix of anger and frustration and every emotion under the book. It seems sleep deprivation has fucked up Leons senses
“I love you.” He murmurs, tears streaming down his face.
Chris looks at the man’s face, watching as the tears roll. He dries Leon’s tears with a gentle rub of his thumb. “I love you too, baby.” He whispers softly, hoping that is enough to comfort him.
Every soft touch and gentle scrub is calculated. Chris wants to make sure Leon can relax enough. Even if he’s not really cleaning anything off, he hopes his motions are enough to clear Leon of the fog purging his mind.
“I promise you’ll get some rest tonight.” Leon hears those words cut through the fog in his brain. He wants to deny them, tell himself that nothing can help him and he’s too far gone. But the sincerity in those words makes him stop. Even if just for tonight, he wants to believe those words are true.
Leon keeps crying. Even though he tries his hardest to stop, the tears keep coming. The touches, so loving. And his words, so gentle. He cries, not in anger, but in adoration. He doesn’t understand why Chris is doing this, but he’s just so god damn grateful. His sleep deprived brain considers that a worthy reason to cry, for some reason.
Chris doesn’t point them out, knowing just how scrambled Leon’s brain is. “Alright, all done.” He murmurs.
Although not fully aware of his surroundings, he can feel Chris’ gentle hands pick him up from the bathtub and deposit him on the soft mattress. He dries Leon slowly with the soft towel, making sure he is as comforting as possible. He helps Leon slip into some soft pajamas.
“Let’s get you some tea, hm?” He says, placing a gentle kiss on Leon’s jaw. “I’ll be right back baby.” Chris can see that Leon is still zoned out, but he pays no mind to it. He knows better than to bother Leon when he’s in that state. He leaves the room quietly, going to make Chamomile tea, Chris’ specialty.
When Chris leaves the room, Leon’s brain is a bit less foggy. The bath didn’t make him sleepy, but it did clear all the thoughts that were bumbling in his head. He takes a deep breath, looking around the empty room with hope, knowing that whatever happens, Chris will be there to help him.
Chris comes back a few minutes later with the tea in hand. “Here you go baby.” He hums, giving Leon the tea
“Can I drink it in the living room?” He asks softly, not wanting to be in the bed if he isn’t actually going to sleep yet.
“Of course baby.” Chris smiles.
Leon looks at the man’s smile with tired eyes, letting the light of it shine into him and lift his spirits. He lets Chris support him with a hand on his waist, and they walk together to the living room.
Chris sits down first on the couch, followed by Leon. Chris slowly pushes Leon to rest on his shoulder, handing him the tea, the liquid a yellow color in the glass cup. “Drink up baby.” He murmurs.
Leon sips on the cup lazily, his eyes focused on nothing in particular. He looks at the coffee table in front of him. It’s somewhat illuminated by the soft light of the lamp in the corner. On it is a candle, Chris’ favorite scent.
He gets to thinking. About everything, really. The past few rough nights, where his stubbornness to ask for help just made everything worse. The nightmares plaguing his head, making him guilty for a past he can’t change. All his negative thoughts, wishing he could just disappear, if only for a moment.
But Leon focuses on Chris’ gentle but encouraging arm on his shoulder instead. He focuses on his dear boyfriend, imagining what he must be thinking. Is he annoyed at Leon for the way he’s acting? Is he irritated that he has to care for Leon as if he were a small child?
Chris waits silently, letting Leon work through his thoughts. When Leon seems to be thinking too much, he places a gentle kiss on Leon’s forehead. “Want some music, baby?” He murmurs softly, gently rubbing his shoulder. He doesn’t want to overwhelm Leon with too much love, but he hopes the small things are enough to comfort him.
Leon shakes his head. “Too much stimulation. This is fine.” He knows music will just make him more awake. Right now, being in the silence with Chris is enough.
“Mm.”Chris hums softly, moving his hand up to Leon’s scalp, lightly scratching it. He pulls Leon closer to him, sighing in comfort. Being with his boyfriend, in the silence, is enough for him too.
After 15 minutes, Chris speaks up. “Ready to go to bed, baby? Or do you want to stay here for a while longer?”
Leon thinks for a second. He’s really enjoying the quiet and peaceful moment, but he really should be trying to go to bed, especially considering he’s actually starting to feel sleepy.
“Bed.” He says shortly, yawning with the first amount of sleepiness he’s felt in days.
The other hums in acknowledgment, picking up the tired man and carry him to the bedroom.
He places Leon on the bed carefully, bringing the covers up to his chin. He crawls in after Leon, pushing Leon’s head to rest on his chest. He places a gentle kiss on the crown of his head and runs his hand through Leon’s scalp. It’s still damp from the bath, but it feels nice to play with.
Chris silently wishes that Leon will sleep through the night. He only wants the best for him, and he knows just how much Leon needs the sleep.
“Chris?” Leon asks softly, his voice small and weak.
“Hm?” Chris says, his voice drowsy. He’s already getting sleepy, but he’ll do anything for Leon, so he blinks rapidly to get rid of the sleepiness. “What is it baby?”
Leon immediately feels guilty. Chris had finally fallen asleep and he just ruined it. He’s bothering Chris, acting like a child, and now he woke up his boyfriend. He probably hates Leon now.
“Nevermind, baby. Go to sleep.” He smiles.
Chris opens his eyes further to give Leon a lazy smile, his hand still rubbing at his hair. He’s so warm. So comfortable with Leon beside him, so relaxed that he could fall asleep in a moment, but he wants to make sure Leon’s settled first.
He shakes his head. “You sure, baby? You can tell me anything.” He says, giving him a tired kiss on the forehead. It’s so easy to be gentle and loving when he’s with Leon. Chris adores him with everything he has.
More guilt runs through Leon’s veins. He’s silently cursing himself for ruining Chris’ sleep schedule like this. But it’s too late to back down, and he knows Chris won’t go to sleep without hearing Leon out, so he relents.
“Why… are you doing this?” Leon asks softly.
Chris smiles sweetly, feeling nothing but concern for his boyfriend. “Is this what keeps you up at night?” He murmurs.
When he doesn’t get a response, he pauses. He’s not quite sure why Leon is asking this or what he means by it. He still wanted to answer his question, not wanting Leon to go into a spiral again.
“Why do I do what, baby? Why am I so affectionate?”
Leon nods. “I’m so mean to you. I speak to you with anger, hoping my words hurt you. I’m irritable and mean all the time, yet you stop to show me affection. Why?” He asks again, the guilt pretty evident in his speech.
“Because I love you.” Chris says simply. He knows it won’t be enough to satisfy Leon’s insecurities, but he hopes it’s enough to at least quell some of his worries.
Chris hasn’t even thought about it before. Why does he care for Leon? He’d do anything for Leon, and caring for him is but just a small portion of the love he can give him.
“I love caring for you baby. I worry for your wellbeing, and I just want you to be okay.” He carries on. “You say I’m always protecting other people, but don’t you get it? Sometimes protecting people means loving and cherishing and doting on them just because.” Chris can see Leon is still hesitant to believe.
“But why? I act like a child, spoiled and bratty. I ignore your pleas and continue to hurt myself even though I know it hurts you too. I speak to you with a bitter tone, lashing out at you with my words. Yet you don’t bat an eye. You continue caring for me, even though I fight back. I protest and defend myself, yet you continue to love me.” Leon says, curling into himself as his insecurities become more present.
“Because I know you’re frustrated.” He whispers, an impossible amount of care in his voice. He hugs Leon tighter, the man just a small, scared thing in his arms. And he’s okay with that. He’s happy to care for Leon. “You’re angry, and you’re scared, and sometimes it’s scary to be loved. But I know you’re not trying to hurt me, so I don’t take it personally, baby. I know you’re just irritated from your thoughts and problems. And I’m okay with that. I’m here to help. I know that besides anything that happens, you still love me. And that’s more important.”
Leon pauses at the Chris’ words. The realization that everything he does isn’t out of genuine hate, but just frustration surprises him. He thinks back to all the rude retorts and angry words he’s aimed at Chris. Every single moment where he thought he had hurt Chris. Where he thought he had just managed to push Chris further away, disappointing his boyfriend.
And he realizes that Chris never saw it that way. Chris never viewed him as some bratty excuse of a man, but more like a wounded animal.
The realization shatters his mind, like a fragile glass cup, like the one he was holding earlier with the chamomile tea.
Tears well in his eyes, but they aren’t out of frustration. They are a mix of appreciation and sadness. He’s sad that he’s spent this whole time thinking Chris hated him, but he’s appreciative that Chris continues to listen to Leon, no matter what.
He slumps further into Chris’s warm embrace, his body relaxing and releasing the tension from the past few sleepless nights.
Chris’s strokes at Leon’s hair are slow and lazy, his eyes starting to droop with the desire to sleep. “See, baby? You’ll feel better once you get some sleep, I promise. Just let me care for you.” He murmurs, a quiet encouragement in his voice, as he gives Leon a warm kiss on the forehead.
Chris will always care for him, that Leon knows for sure.
“I think I’m sleepy.” Leon yawns, the need for sleep starting to take over.
“Mm.” He hums back while yawning. “Want me to hum you to sleep?” He’s not sure if it’ll work, but he’ll give it a shot if it’ll help Leon sleep.
Leon smiles. “Cliche, but sure.” He nuzzles closer to Chris, pressing his ear to the man’s chest
“Okay. I’ll sing for you.” He says, ignoring how cliche it may be. His voice is still low and gentle. He has a nice voice. Soft. It’s a comforting sound. His hands move to hold Leon tighter as he begins to sing, his voice a soothing hum that washes over him. Chris’s fingers run in slow, soothing motions over Leon’s scalp, and his body radiates warmth like a furnace beside him.
For the first time in what felt like forever, Leon manages to doze off. He knows this won’t be a fitful sleep, the one he has been experiencing for days. It won’t be a sleep filled with haunting nightmares and gripping panic attacks.
He knows that next to Chris, nothing can hurt him. He knows everything will be okay with Chris on his side. Leon mumbles a sleepy “good night” before falling asleep.
“Good night, Le.” Chris responds in a whisper, placing a gentle kiss on Leon’s scalp before falling asleep too.
Chris knows tomorrow won’t be easy. Of course Leon may have new anxieties or worries. But this time, Chris will be there to help. He won’t let Leon ignore his love. This time, Leon will be loved. Everything will be okay.
As long as Chris can hold Leon like this, everything will be okay.