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Dear Lucas,
I don't know how much time will be left until Vecna catches me and breaks every bone in my body and gives me a terrible death... until that time is up, I want to tell you things. things that... I would never have the courage to tell you in person.
I know I've been distant, pushing you away... and I know you're not mad at me for breaking up with you. And like you said, there's something wrong with me. There are a lot of things wrong with me. The truth is... since Billy died, since everything we went through last summer, I feel like... something has changed in me somehow. Something has changed in a way that I wouldn't want to change. It just did.
I feel guilty for everything that happened, with Billy, with El, with you... with both of us. I think that... sometimes, things could be better if I wasn't around. Billy would never have died if I hadn't moved to Hawkins, El would never have gotten hurt, you would never have had to get mad at an insufferable and annoying Zoomer like me, we wouldn't have had to meet or grow apart.
But I feel like my life changed when I met you. it was exactly at that moment that I was knocking on the locker door, and you... appeared. Along with dustin. and you guys were wearing those cool ghostbusters costumes... and I remember that day everyone at school was making fun of the four of you for that, because of the costume. But I thought you guys were cool. and your costume was the coolest of all. (even though it's literally the SAME as Dustin and Mike's)
And you invited me to go trick-or-treating with the four of you. Which I thought was cute. Because I definitely wasn't expecting it. And that's what I like about you. I like the way you're full of surprises, and the way you always make me laugh when I'm sad.
And I know things have changed between us. We're not as close as we used to be, and I understand... it's all my fault, I pushed you away, I let you go. But I want you to know that, despite everything, despite the fact that I can never show it, not even with gestures, I want you to know that I love you. I still love you, Lucas Sinclair. And no matter what happens, I will always love you.
I love you. I really love you. I'm sorry for the times I messed up and broke up with you, I'm sorry for the times I was a jerk and simply said things you didn't deserve to hear.
I don't deserve you. You don't deserve any of the bad things I say because of anger sometimes, you don't deserve to have to deal with me.
You deserve someone a thousand times better than me but even so you still want me. And I can't deny that I want you too.
If I die and never wake up again, I want you to know that I enjoyed every moment we spent together. And that I wish I had spent more time with you.
Right now you're staring at me non-stop and making me incredibly uncomfortable. Funny, since I've always been the one who knew how to make you feel like that.
Thank you for thinking I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, even though I'm sure I'm not.
I wish I could catch up with you, tell you how proud I was of you winning that game, tell you how ridiculous - yet handsome - you look in your basketball uniform. But I don't have time.
I don't have time for this. We don't have this intimacy anymore. And it's my fault, after all, I let you go first.
I'm sorry about that. I wish I hadn't let you go.
But I don't know if there's a way to go back. There really isn't. What an idiot I am.
I could pretend that everything is fine while I write this letter but I have a terrible headache and he's calling me.
And I'm scared. I'm so scared. But I have to be strong, right? That's how you met me. I may be scared when I leave, but know that you met me by being brave, remember me like that.
I feel grateful to have met you.
Anyway, that's what I wanted to write, not everything, because there would be not enough pages. I hope you understand.
Love, Max.