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When he first became aware that he existed he was in a dark box. There were things on top of him and things under him. The box was bouncing. It was strange to realize that he could feel things. What was he? Where was he? How did he come to be?
He contemplated these questions for a while until he heard a loud noise and felt the box being lifted. The box he was in started moving and was then thrown on the floor. Some time later the lid was removed and light spilled into the box.
“Helen, you gotta come see these ugly pants,” a woman called.
“Those are horrible. The sad thing is we’ll put them on the floor tonight and half of them will be sold by closing time tomorrow,” Helen said.
Then a voice boomed from the ceiling, “Attention Harris & Frank customers, the store will be closing in 15 minutes.”
PANTS PANTS PANTS PANTS
Johnny slammed the door of the squad. They were leaving Rampart after dropping off a man who was having chest pain.
“What’s wrong with you?” Roy asked.
“What’s wrong with me? You ask what’s wrong with me? Really, Roy? After what Brackett said?” Johnny answered angrily.
“All he said was he wanted to ask me some questions so we can make communicating with the hospital easier,” Roy replied in confusion.
“Exactly. He wants to ask you. He never wants to ask me anything. He treats me like I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“No, he doesn’t.”
“Yes, he does. You start watching. You’ll see.”
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Unfortunately, Helen had been wrong. Pants, he soon discovered that’s what he was, hung on a rack next to others like him. Occasionally, one of them would be picked up by someone and never be seen again. Pants learned that was the reason for his existence. He was supposed to be bought by someone so that they could take him home to be worn.
After months of hanging on the rack he was still there. Now it was time for a new season. He and the others were removed from the rack and thrown into a box. After a few days in the box they were picked up and taken to a discount store.
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Johnny and Roy were standing at the base station picking up supplies. They had just dropped off a patient who decided to make a homemade hang glider using umbrellas. He had jumped off his roof and broken his leg when he landed on his car.
“Is that everything?” Roy asked.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Johnny responded.
“Who’s signing?” Dixie asked as she looked over their sign out sheet.
“I’ll do it,” Johnny volunteered as he removed his green pen from his pocket.
“Hey, Roy,” Brackett said as he came up the hallway. “You did a good job on that splint.”
“Actually, Johnny did the splint,” Roy explained.
“Oh,” Kel replied. “Johnny, next time it needs to be a little tighter.”
Johnny looked at him in disbelief before nodding his head. Brackett continued walking towards his office.
“I told you,” Johnny said angrily. “I’ll be in the squad.”
“What’s wrong with him?” Dixie said as Johnny stomped off.
“He thinks Brackett thinks he’s incompetent. I thought he was being overly sensitive but I’m starting to think he’s right,” Roy explained.
“I’m sure Kel doesn’t think that,” Dixie tried to argue.
“Well, then maybe he could be a little nicer. I wouldn’t have picked him for a partner if I thought he was incompetent,” Roy replied before leaving to go to the squad.
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Pants was now hanging on a different rack. Many of his brothers had been purchased by something called a dance troupe who were doing a clown routine. Pants wasn’t sure what most of those words meant but the humans around him had laughed.
The store eventually put him on a different rack where he was the only one that looked the way he did. He heard it referred to as the clearance rack. After hanging there for a few weeks a man picked him up and took him to the register. Pants was placed in a bag with a shirt and socks and thrown into the trunk of a car.
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Johnny was standing at the sink making faces in the mirror.
“What are you doing?” Roy asked.
“I got this book at the library about how to make people like you. One of the things is called mirroring where you imitate people’s body language and they’ll like you more. I’m trying to move my eyebrows like Brackett does,” Johnny explained.
“No one can move their eyebrows like he does,” Roy argued. “Come on, let’s go pick up supplies.”
When they arrived at Rampart there was chaos. People were laying in beds in the hallway waiting to get into a room.
“What happened?” Johnny asked Joe who was standing in the hall looking very stressed.
“Food poisoning at a business luncheon. Any chance you fellas could help with IVs?” Joe answered.
They nodded and Joe gave them instructions on what to do.
Johnny was standing next to a grumpy man who seemed upset no one was treating him as important as he thought that he was. Johnny was trying to soothe him and insert an IV when the man pushed the paramedics hard causing him to stumble backwards and knock a cart of medical supplies over.
“You need to be more careful. Pick that up,” Brackett snapped.
Johnny was confused on how the doctor always appeared at the worst possible times. He was too upset to try lifting his eyebrows.
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“Absolutely not,” a woman said.
Pants was laying on the bed with a shirt and tie above him. He wasn’t sure what was going on but the woman in the room appeared to be unhappy.
“What’s wrong with it?” the man asked.
“It’s a wedding not a Halloween party. You are not wearing those pants to your brother’s wedding. Your mom would never let me hear the end of it for letting you dress that way,” the woman argued.
“I can dress however I want,” the man replied indignantly.
“Are you going to tell your mom that?” she asked.
“I’ll put these in the donate pile and get new pants,” the man responded.
Once again Pants was placed in a bag. The bag was in the corner of the closet and had a funny smell.
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“Can you teach me how to do that?” Johnny asked.
He had just watched a nurse put an IV in a dehydrated toddler on the first try.
Kel and Joe had just walked into the lounge to grab a coffee and saw the interaction. Kel was about to get on to Johnny for flirting with the nurse when Joe grabbed his arm and shook his head.
“Little ones can be hard,” the nurse replied. “A good trick is to put a flashlight under their hand or foot so you can see the vein easier.”
“Is there an advantage to putting it in the foot like you did?” Johnny asked.
“It’s easier to find a vein there, especially when they are dehydrated. I usually work in pediatrics. If you talk to Carla, the head nurse, I’m sure she’d let you come in to observe. I saw that you were doing that in the geriatric ward a few weeks ago.”
“Thanks, I’ll talk to her. I treated an old lady and her skin was so thin so I thought I might get some pointers,” Johnny explained.
Joe and Kel slipped out of the room.
“He’s been doing extra work?” Kel asked in surprise.
“Yeah, he wants to do the best job he can. He’s always asking me questions. He might ask you some if you were more patient,” Joe responded.
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After a few weeks in the closet the bag Pants was in was thrown in the trunk of a car. It stayed there for a long time. Other bags would be placed in the trunk but were always removed on the same day. One time suitcases were in the trunk. Pants rode all the way to Colorado. And then a week later he was back in California. Periodically, the woman would comment on how she needed to drop the bag off but she never did.
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“Did you hear that?” Johnny said excitedly as they got into the squad.
“Yes, I heard it,” Roy said with an amused smile.
“Brackett actually said that I did a good job. Copying his body language is working,” Johnny gushed.
“I don’t think that’s it,” Roy argued. “I think he’s just realizing you’re a good paramedic.”
“Next week for that luncheon the city is throwing to brag about the program I will clinch his adoration,” Johnny went on ignoring what Roy had said.
“How?” Roy asked in concern.
“I’m going to dress like him,” Johnny explained.
Roy cringed. Brackett didn’t have the best taste in clothing. What monstrosity would his partner wear?
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Pants had finally been removed from the trunk of the car and dropped off at the thrift store. He was now hanging on a rack with other pants. So far no one had paid much attention to him. One day a skinny man with dark hair was looking through the rack and picked him up.
“Well, hello there. You have every single pattern Brackett has ever worn. You are perfect,” the man said as he picked up Pants.
Pants wondered if he was finally going to be worn.
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“No,” Roy said as Johnny started to get into his car. “I don’t want those things touching the seats.”
“Haha,” Johnny replied. “Brackett is gonna love them.”
Roy just shook his head. The newspaper was going to be there. His partner was wearing patchwork pants and might wind up in the newspaper. At least the jacket he was wearing looked okay.
After arriving at the luncheon Johnny got distracted at the buffet table. Roy went to find their seats.
“What is Johnny wearing?” Dixie whispered as she walked up to him.
“He thinks if he dresses like Brackett then Brackett will like him better,” Roy explained.
“Kel would never wear something like…okay, actually he would. Those are awful,” Dixie replied. “Where did he get them? I have to make sure Kel doesn’t go there.”
“Thrift store,” Roy replied with a chuckle.
“Thank God,” Dixie responded.
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“Before I finish I would like to thank a few people who helped make the paramedic program possible,” Brackett was finishing his speech. “Dixie McCall, our head nurse who campaigned for months to get me on board. Joe Early, who took every chance to point out how paramedics could help with patients that we were treating. And Roy DeSoto and John Gage who refused to give into my stubbornness and showed me what great things paramedics are capable of.”
The audience started to applaud.
“Did you hear that Roy?” Johnny whispered. “The pants worked.”
“Yeah, they worked. So there is no reason I should ever see them again,” Roy demanded.
“Okay, okay, I’ll retire them to the back of my closet and save them for an emergency,” Johnny agreed.
Roy shuddered at what kind of emergency there could be that required those pants.
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A few years later Roy would find out what kind of emergency. Johnny was waiting for Roy to pick him up to take him to the lawyer’s office. They had been accused of robbing a patient and both of them were very stressed out about it. Johnny wanted something to distract them on the drive over. And that’s when he remembered the PANTS…