Chapter Text
Natsuki had struggled with her sexuality for a very long time, the thoughts she dealt with regarding girls had always confused her deeply for as long as she could remember. But somewhere around the beginning of high school she had come to terms with the fact that she was at least bi. That was a while ago at this point, she would be graduating next year and was fully aware that she was a lesbian, she hadn't come out to anyone of course for fear of judgment or word making it's way to her father. But now that he had been incarcerated for his abuse and she knew of her mom's feelings towards queer people being far more relaxed from conversations about politics and news she overheard, that fear was far lesser.
Today would be the day that she would release this constantly building pressure that she was lying about herself. She was going to come out, only to her closest friends, those she trusted most to test the waters, the literature club. Her thoughts were interrupted by a single clap of hands.
"Okay everyone! I'd like to start us off with a book recommendation, something I've been enjoying personally-"
Monika began her opening statement to the literature club, it was no longer held at school due to them never finding their fifth member to make it an official club. That didn't stop Monika's determination, she simply moved the club meetings to her back porch. Natsuki listened intently as the others shared their poems, running what she would say through her mind. And when her turn came Monika turned to her, "Natsuki?" She prompted, She took a long breath to still her nerves before she responded. "I actually don't have a poem to share, but I do have something to say from the heart if it's all the same to you guys." Monika cocked an eyebrow but nodded and moved aside so Natsuki could take her place.
"Ooooo!"
Sayori cooed with interest as Natsuki got up. She looked nervously at the small crowd, Monika, who had taken her seat, smiled wide as she stared forward with full attention. Sayori fidgeted impatiently with her hands and Yuri watched with a similar intensity as Monika while she twirled a strand of her hair through two fingers. "I want to start by saying how much I care about you all." She could already feel her face growing hot, she was far from used to showing her feelings openly, she was still more comfortable channeling it all into bugging her friends or getting on people's nerves to express her affection. "The uh, the last year or so has been the best of my life, knowing you all has made me very happy and I am very grateful. I hope this doesn't ruin everything or change how you look at me."
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes tight, "I like girls. I'm a lesbian." The following moments felt like hours before she flinched at the feeling of arms wrapping around her, when she opened her eyes she was looking out at Yuri and Monika over Sayori's shoulder. "That doesn't change a thing Nat. We love you no matter what." Sayori said as she squeezed her friend tight. Natsuki raised her arms and returned the hug, she let her eyes close again, the words rang in her ears and made tears try to well up. "Are you sure..?" She asked, and Yuri's voice responded,
"You are always safe with us, if you ever, uh, need someone to talk to who understands queerness I'm always here."
Her voice was far stronger than usual, determined to be reassuring. "The literature club is a safe place." Monika added, "You've been my best friend since we were little. I'd never drop you over something like that." Sayori dripped the final drop into the river that broke the dam. Natsuki squeezed her friend tight as the tears flowed, repeating "Thank you" between gasps.
When she had calmed down and Sayori released her she spoke again, "I appreciate you all." She said as she wiped her eyes on her sleeve, Monika placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, "I'm proud of you. That took a lot of courage." Natsuki smiled as she took her seat next to Sayori. "Okay everyone," Monika started again. "I'd say that meeting went well! Since emotions are running high I'm sure, I think we should end it a little early, feel free to stick around to do any homework for tomorrow, my home is your home!" And with a smile and a wave she retreated through the screen door and inside. Sayori turned to Natsuki and cleared her throat, "So, you don't gotta tell if you don't wanna, but can I ask how long you've known?"
"No it's okay, I've known the labels since I was like twelve but I've known women activate my monkey brain pretty much forever." She responded, Sayori laughed despite trying not to, "Monkey brain." She mumbled between laughs, Natsuki smirked at the reaction. After about an hour Natsuki had finished her homework and helped Sayori with some of hers, Monika had come back out a few times to offer lemonade or snacks or just talk. As Natsuki left with a wave to her friends she was happy, her friends accepting her made her think that maybe things would be okay. The walk from Monika's house to hers was long but she made it just before sundown. As she unlocked the door she let her backpack fall slack off her shoulders, she set it down inside and took her shoes off, "Mama! Are you up?" She called out to no answer, she sighed through her nose and unbuttoned her school blazer as she walked to her room.
After she had gotten changed into her night clothes and brushed her teeth she flopped down on her bed, cringing at the loud creaking. This had been a good day, she closed her eyes and ran through it in her mind, 'I'm proud of you, that took a lot of courage.' Monika's words hung repeating in her mind, they made her stomach drop, why was it doing that? Her thoughts wandered to her friend's face in that moment, she was pretty, Natsuki already knew that, she'd always thought Monika had a pleasant lip shape and her freckles, light and hardly noticeable as they were, complimented her eyes. But in this moment she wasn't seeing the Monika in her mind as pretty, she was beautiful. Stop. Why was she thinking this, she'd never thought about Monika this way, she'd thought about the club president's body once or twice, she was conventionally attractive. But never like this.
This was not okay, she tossed and turned as her mind ran wild. Monika was the top of the food chain, she was one of the smartest and most popular girls in school, far out of Natsuki's league, she couldn't think about her like this. But she always put so much effort to connect with her, she played her piano when she was not confident in her skills yet, she read a few mangas every month so they could have common ground to talk about at the club. Natsuki felt her face getting hot. "Oh god.." She whispered to herself.
When the next morning came she was shaken from the weak sleep she had fallen into by the ear bleeding siren she had set as her alarm. She reached over and turned it off as she sat up, she yanked her phone off the charger to stare at her notifications, just as always Sayori had sent her a text at an ungodly hour, 'Hey Nat, wanna hang out at the cafe tomorrow?' Followed by another a few minutes later, 'I'm sorry you're probably sleeping' Natsuki breathed a laugh through her nose as she responded, 'Yea after the club right?' She set her phone down to get up but it dinged immediately, 'Of course!'
After getting dressed she was in the kitchen preparing herself some cereal when her mom wandered out from the hallway,
"Morning hun."
She said as she dug for yesterday's leftovers, "Morning mama," Natsuki responded as she sat down at the island to eat, "I might be home later tonight, going to the cafe with Sayori." She finished, "Good for you, glad you're getting out more, have fun hun." Her mother smiled, she returned it.
School was relatively easy that day, it gave her a lot of time to run back over her thoughts from the previous night, pushing the logistics of a hypothetical crush on Monika through every possible scenario of rejection, internally coming to terms with the fact that she needed to lay the idea to rest. At lunch she was joined by her friends, Sayori excitedly explained how hyped she was for the festival on Sunday, Yuri, although far more quietly, shared her excitement. Monika didn't seem to share their enthusiasm, only chiming in when one of the others asked for her input. Natsuki had to stop herself from staring three different times, despite her thoughts she couldn't deny that how she looked at Monika had changed, she really was beautiful.
Once school had ended they all began the walk to Monika's house together, when they arrived her Aunt was already sat on the porch,
"Hey girls! How was young people prison?"
She called out as they got closer, "It was fine Aunt Willow, would you like to sit in on the club today?" Monika responded as she took off her shoes, "Hell to the no. Reading is for nerds." She responded with a playful smile, "Have it your way." Monika said as she lead the others inside and down the familiar path out the back door.
The club meeting was normal by all standards, Natsuki had to explain that she didn't write a poem last night because she had crashed right when she got home. She spent the whole time trying to pry her eyes off Monika, she had shed her blazer and vest, the sleeves of her button up rolled up past her elbows, her arms had more freckles than her face, they really did compliment her skin.
After club and a few minutes of homework Sayori and Natsuki said their goodbyes and set off. They talked about the things going on in their lives for a while but eventually the meal fell silent, after about nineteen minutes of silence Sayori broke it, "So..." she hummed and tapped her fingers together, a nervous habit that Natsuki knew well, she breathed a laugh through her nose and smirked. "You can ask questions Say." She said, Sayori immediately sighed with relief, Natsuki really did know her best friend. "Have you ever checked me out?" Sayori asked quietly before immediately backpedaling, "Is that bad to ask?" She looked as if she would fall apart at the seems, "Sorry that was so out of line-" Natsuki cut her off, trying not to laugh, "It's okay! Calm down dumbass." She snickered hard at Sayori's expression. "And maybe like, once or twice when we were younger."
Sayori nodded, "Have you ever had a girlfriend?" She asked, Natsuki shook her head, "Nah, not good with the ladies." She took a sip of her drink to avoid cringing at her own wording, "Plus I've only ever come out to you guys at the club." Sayori smiled but it melted away into a look of contemplation, "Does your mom know?" Natsuki shook her head, Sayori took a bite of her food before continuing with her mouth full, "Just wanted to know so I wouldn't like, say something in front of her and out you." Natsuki smiled at her friend, "I'll tell her soon, I think she'll get it." An awkward silence fell over the table, after a few minutes Sayori perked up, "Oh!" She started, "Soooo, do you like anyone? Anyone I know?" She had a shit eating grin that Natsuki hadn't seen on her since the eighth grade. Natsuki rolled her eyes, "Oh come onnn!" Sayori whined, "If you tell me yours I'll tell you mine!"
"Not gonna happen Say, that's my business, and anyway I know all yours and they're all fictional characters." As Sayori groaned in dissatisfaction Natsuki's mind clawed at her, 'Monika. That's what you wanted to say.' She ignored it to the best of her ability, keeping up friendly conversation. After dinner they walked home together, Sayori only lived a short walk from Natsuki so she waved goodbye as Sayori broke from the path to go on to her own neighborhood. When Natsuki arrived home she called out for her mother like she normally did, but she had already went to bed. Natsuki followed suit, but just like the previous night she was plagued with thoughts she deemed inappropriate, surrounding specifically Monika's arms, she wanted to touch them, with Monika's interest in sports Natsuki was sure they had some muscle to them. She imagined running her hand along the length from Monika's wrist to her shoulder. Stop. Stop right now. She put her hands over her face and dragged them down, "What is wrong with me." She wondered aloud. Her thoughts wandered to what Yuri had said about having someone to talk to, she knew Yuri could keep a secret and she needed to get this out before it became a problem.
She grabbed her phone and checked the time, 11:43 okay not to late, she texted Yuri, 'Hey you said I could talk to you about gay stuff i was wondering if youre available tomorrow?' She laid her phone down and tried again to sleep, her face grew hot at a fantasy of the club president asking her to tie her hair for her, interrupted right was she was tying her big white bow by the ding of a text message. 'I am available, perhaps we could talk during lunch period. Is everything alright?' Natsuki immediately sat up to focus as she responded, 'that sounds great thanks meet you on the roof? And yea im fine just need someone to talk to' She watched as Yuri began to type immediately, 'The roof sounds perfect, I am glad you feel safe to reach out. I believe I should go to bed now, perhaps you should as well, good night Natsuki.' Natsuki smiled at her phone. 'gn'
The following day school seemed to drag, when lunch finally came it felt to Natsuki as if it had been days. She sat tapping her foot impatiently on the roof, waiting for Yuri for minutes on end, when she was ready to text her and ask if she was okay Yuri came bounding through the door. "Sorry-" she huffed, "Got caught up in something, sorry I've wasted half our time." She sat down next to Natsuki, "It's okay, really, I appreciate you showing up at all." Yuri smiled, "Okay so what did you need to talk about?" She asked, Natsuki began to think over what she was about to say but a different thought caught her attention, "Can I ask you something first?" She asked, "Of course." Yuri responded. "You said you 'Understand queerness' what did you mean by that?" Yuri visibly bit her lip, "I also fall under the queer umbrella." She responded, Natsuki was in awe despite how obvious that probably should have been, "You like girls too?" She asked. "Well, not exclusively, I'm bi." She paused for a few moments, "But that wasn't really what I was referring to... can you keep a secret?" She asked, Natsuki nodded, Yuri took a deep breath, "I was born male, I am transgender. I only disclose this so we are on level ground and you are aware that I am in no place to judge you for anything we talk about today." Natsuki's mouth lulled open a little, she looked her friend up and down as she tried to catch her words.
"I had no idea." Was all she could muster, Yuri laughed, "Well it's good to know I pass well. But enough about me, what's on your mind?" After another few moments of processing the information she had just been given she got her thoughts back on her original point, "I think," she closed her eyes for a moment to gather courage, "I think I like Monika." Yuri was silent for a while, "That is certainly unexpected. But understandable." Yuri hummed in thought, "Do you plan to say something?" She asked. Natsuki scoffed, "No, I mean she's so far out of my league, and I don't know if she likes girls. It's a whole pipe dream." Yuri nodded, "What do you have to lose?" She asked, Natsuki looked at her confused. "Let me rephrase, Monika is your friend, she obviously cares about you a lot, if you tell her how you feel, you clear the air no matter what happens. If she reciprocates you get a chance to pursue these feelings, if she doesn't your friendship will likely come out stronger."
Natsuki stewed on the words, maybe Yuri was right, maybe she didn't have anything to lose. "Thanks Yuri." She said while she still stared at the ground, the bell that signified the end of lunch rang in the distance before either of them spoke again. Natsuki Hugged Yuri goodbye and set back off to class. As the second half of the school day dragged along Natsuki thought hard about the idea of saying something, anything to Monika, 'clear the air' Yuri's words repeated over and over in her head, and at the end of the day as the four of them walked to Monika's house for the literature club and Natsuki found her eyes tracking Monika's hair as it swayed with her motion she had decided, she would say something after the club meeting, she couldn't handle the way her heart beat over the little things about her by herself any longer.
The club meeting went normally by all measures, everyone shared their poems, Natsuki's had been cobbled together during free period, and everyone talked a bit about whatever they were reading right now. When it had come to a close Natsuki approached Monika, "Hey Monika?" Natsuki shifted on her feet as her friend turned around, "Yes Nat, what's up?" She responded, "May I, uh, talk to you in private?" Natsuki stared a hole through her shoes, "Yeah of course, we can talk inside, everything okay?" Monika responded as she opened the screen door, Natsuki nodded, "Yeah everything is fine." And in they went, this was it, right now, she was going to tell her exactly how she felt right now. As they sat down at the dining table she stilled her nerves and looked Monika in the eyes, "Monika, I-" in an instant as Monika tilted her head slightly Natsuki felt her brain melt to mush, every coherent thought converted right away into 'Prettyyyyyy~' "Iwaswonderingifyouwannahangouttomorrow!" Monika raised her eyebrows, concerned, Natsuki struggled not to cringe at herself, "You know! Just the two of us! Maybe at the stone bench at the park?" She tried to salvage her sentence, Monika's concern melted into a smile, "Sure. How's two?" She asked, "Perfect! Great yes two is fine! Thanks!" Natsuki responded and bolted up like lightning to go home before anyone could stop her, she could feel how red hot her whole face was against the cool evening breeze. Tomorrow, she was going to tell her exactly how she felt tomorrow.
Sleep did not come easy that night. She tossed and turned and hugged her pillow with wides eyes full of Monika's lightly turned head staring back at her, she couldn't keep her thoughts in line. fantasies so vivid like none she'd ever had before, a million different ways things could have gone. Most of these scenarios ending with Monika's lips on her own, as they became more outlandish she grabbed at the roots of her hair, she could see it so clearly in her mind's eye, feel it, Monika's rough skin on hers. "STOP." She shouted to herself and shut her eyes tight.
She rolled awake at around noon the next day, leaving her about an hour and a half to get ready and show up first so she could run over what she would say in her head a few hundred times. As it turned out, she did not show up first. Despite it only being 1:19 when she arrived at the stone bench, the only concrete picnic table left from the old design of the city park, pushed aside from all the modern architecture. There Monika sat, waving, in a loose fitting white sundress that made Natsuki's mind scream, she returned her wave and sat down across from her. Monika's smile brought that melting feeling in her mind that was becoming familiar, "Okay! Um I'll be honest, I have been needing to tell you something." Natsuki started, "I kinda figured yeah." Monika responded, Natsuki took a deep breath, "You are a really really good friend, and I really care about you and lately I've been, I just," she stopped in her tracks, she just couldn't form the words, she looked at Monika pathetically, she had a strained look on her face that Natsuki could only interpret as her struggling not the laugh.
"Monika, I-" but Monika cut her off, "Do you wanna go out with me?!" Monika blurted out as she flailed her hands forward before turning beat red, Natsuki's jaw fell slack and her face grew warmer than it already was. Monika gently laid her head on the table, "Oh god, I was wrong wasn't I?" She groaned, "I was projecting again. Damnit." She raised her head and rested her left eye in her hand, "I'm.. I'm sorry that was so stupid, I'll just go." She got up to leave but Natsuki grabbed her wrist, "Wait!" Monika turned around with tears welling in her eyes, "I was gonna tell you I'm into you!" Monika's whole face lit up, "Wait, for real?" She asked as if this was completely unexpected. "Yes!" Natsuki started, freeing Monika's hand now, "It had been eating me for days! I don't even know what happened, one day I just realized you're like, hot as hell and so... Monika." Monika sat back down and put a palm to her forehead, "Oh my god.." she smiled wider than Natsuki had ever seen, a goofy free smile, her lips stretched tight, it made Natsuki's head spin.
"So, uh," Monika started, "Is that a yes?" She asked, Natsuki blurted out "Yes!" Immediately, "Ohhh yes!" Monika squealed as she shook her energy out through her hands, "When you came out I was just like, Ahh! You know? because I had it bad for you since like the first week of knowing you!" Natsuki was a bit taken aback, "Wait really?" She asked in awe, "Well yeah!" Monika started with a laugh, "I thought I was making it so obvious, I guess I'm really bad at having crushes, I just let it like, fester and it almost made me mad at you like it was your fault for a while." She continued, staring excitedly at Natsuki with her emerald green pools, "But you actually like me!" She laughed to herself, Natsuki's thoughts finally caught up to her, "You say that like I'm the one out of your league!" She said, her excitement taking over her confusion.
Monika looked at her with a smile, "You thought I was out of your league? You overstate me!" She laughed, she let herself lay down on the table's bench, "I've been pining over a girl who thinks I'm out of her league!" She raised her hands dramatically to emphasize her lamenting, Natsuki laughed, she stood up and walked around to the other side, looking down for once at Monika's reddened face, before she sat up to make room. "Yes you were, idiot." Natsuki teased as she sat down by her side. a thought from the last few days returned to her, she turned to lock eyes with Monika, "Can I, uh, can I touch your arms?" She asked, Monika snorted a laugh, "Take me out to dinner first Nat!" She continued laughing, "Oh sorry, too fast sorry." Natsuki said and she looked at her hands, "No I'm kidding! Of course you can!"
She held out her arm in a half flex, with hesitant hands Natsuki began to gently feel beginning at her wrist, it wasn't like she expected at all, but she really liked it. Her arms skin was softer than she imagined, and covered in invisible peach fuzz. When she reached her bicep it was firm, not rock hard or anything but it was obvious she used her arms, Monika must have noticed Natsuki's expression of pure amazement, and laughed, "Like them strong?" She asked, Natsuki couldn't formulate words so instead just nodded. After a few minutes Natsuki managed to pull attention away before she started drooling, "Thank you, I uh, I really wanted to do that." Monika smiled that big goofy smile again, "Oh!" Natsuki started again, "Speaking of taking you to dinner, does this mean we'll go on dates and stuff now?" Monika nodded enthusiastically.
"Cool! Where should we, like what should we do first?" Natsuki asked, "Oh! Oh!" Monika stood up enthusiastically, "Tomorrow is the festival right? Since we aren't an official school club I didn't really wanna go since we'd just be guests, Say and Yuri still seem pretty adamant to go but Aunt Willow bought some fireworks! We were gonna go up to a clearing in the woods and have our own little festival! You can come if you want." Monika was practically bouncing on her heels. "Hell yeah! I'd love to!" Natsuki responded. Monika grabbed her hands and began to shake them in her own while making noises Natsuki couldn't comprehend as english. They stayed at the stone bench talking long into the evening. Only departing once the sun began to set, Monika kissed Natsuki's hand goodbye and ran off in the direction of her neighborhood.
Natsuki slept well that night, content in the fantasies because she knew they were okay. The day was spent beginning to end texting back and forth waiting for the time Monika said her and her Aunt would drop by the pick her up. 'Good morning Nat <3' was the first thing on Natsuki's phone in the morning and it made her heart jump, 'morning moni' she sent back before she left her phone by her bedside to brush her teeth and get dressed, when she came back to it Monika had replied three times, 'I already told Yuri and Say we wouldn't be attending the festival.' 'Don't worry I didn't say we are going out.' And 'I cannot wait!' Natsuki breathed a laugh through her nose before realizing she had completely forgotten to tell her mother where she was going tonight, she dropped her phone and went to her mother's door placing three sharp knocks on it. "Mama! I'm going out tonight!" After a cacophony of groans and bed squeakes she got a response, "With who?" Natsuki reached to open the door but decided against it, if her mom hadn't come opened the door herself by now she probably wasn't decent. "Monika and her Aunt!" She called through the thin wood, "Okay have fun hun." She heard the creak that meant her mother had laid back down and so went to the kitchen to make herself some breakfast.
As the eggs sizzled she listened for another ding of her phone, but instead it started to ring. She immediately picked it up and held it wedged between her head and shoulder, her badly damaged screen giving her cheek a scratchy feeling. "Hiiii Monika~" she cooed trying not to sound too pleased, "Hey! Sorry I didn't have like a reason to call or anything, just wanted to hear your voice and it's gonna be a little while and, aah! Sorry what are you up to?" Natsuki giggled at Monika before she answered, "Miss me that bad after just one night apart eh? Poor thing," she immediately cringed at herself but the noises Monika made, which could best be described as a shaky breath trying to become a giggle reassured her that it was a good line, "I'm just making some breakfast."
They stayed on the phone for a few hours before Monika’s Aunt needed her for something and they switched back to frequent texts. When the time finally came Natsuki checked the mirror at least three times to make she looked her best, she had chosen a pair of old warm jeans and a nice pink Megurine Luka T-shirt with an optional black jacket tied around her waist for convenience. When the doorbell rang she took a deep breath before opening it casually. Standing on the other side was Monika, smiling at her, dressed in brown sweats and a plain tan hoodie with her hair held back lazily with a clamp, to Natsuki she was breathtaking. After a hug Monika led her back to her Aunt’s truck, there was just enough room for the three of them inside if Monika kept her legs on top on Natsuki’s to keep them off the stick.
When they arrived at the clearing, Aunt Willow backed the truck in to give them the tailgate to sit on, almost immediately she sent Monika to set up the fireworks a few hundred feet off, as she leaned against her truck she spoke to Natsuki, “Treat my baby right okay?” Natsuki froze, “Excuse me..?” Aunt Willow waved at her as if she was smoking, “don’t act, Monika already told me you two were using this little outing as a first date.” She wiggled her fingers in Natsuki’s face and gave a playful grin as she ended the sentence. “Don’t worry I’m cool, I don’t see nothing or nobody.” Natsuki couldn’t help but laugh a little at her tone, “Oh but here’s a tip, listen good cuz I’ve been waiting her whole life to embarrass her with this, little red’s got a tickle spot on the back of her neck at the base, real hair trigger, barely poke her and she’ll be snorting like a pig like she does and squirming.” Natsuki giggled at this information, filing it away im her mind for later, “Oh here she comes, I’m gonna go check if she tied the fuses right, have fun.” Aunt Willow said as she flicked out her folding chair and set it a few feet in front of the tailgate.
“I am so glad you came!” Monika said as she sat gently on the tailgate, “Can’t wait for it to get a little darker so we can light them up!” She continued, Natsuki smiled, she loved seeing her this excited. She hopped up to take her spot beside her, it was only a few moments before Monika reached around her shoulder and pulled her in tight, “I’m not going anywhere Monika.” Natsuki said playfully, “I know,” Monika responded, “I’ve just wanted this for so long. I’m still wondering if I’m dreaming.” Natsuki laughed as the sun set finally over the tree line and Aunt Willow got up to light the fuse, “You’re awake Moni… I still can’t believe you had a crush on me.” Monika didn’t respond, she simply let her head lean against the top of Natsuki’s.
As the beautiful rainbow of lights exploded one by one to light up the sky, Natsuki felt at peace as Monika held her, this was perfect. The real firework show was happening in her brain with every breath she felt rise and fall from Monika’s chest next to her.