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"Let the moonlight, keep me from the darkness
Well soon I, will sleep beneath the forest
Of lost souls, wondering in and out of love, yeah"
Wondering - Jaymes Young
Meditation was never something I considered doing for therapeutic purposes, after all, what exactly did that word mean? I remember hearing this from Sakura, while I was spending my days recovering in Konoha, that word made questions arise that I had never asked myself, until then.
I was sitting uncomfortably on the ground, surrounded by dry leaves and the flowery aroma of plants, there was a small stream to my right, making serene sounds of trickling water, distant birds sang as if they were celebrating the victory of something, and I, I stubbornly tried to align my breathing with the light breeze of the wind that moved not only my hair, but the leaves and my clothes, the morning was not cold, except for the involuntary contraction I made with my abdomen, not because of the weather, but maybe it was because resistance of what that caused me. I didn't get many details on how to do this, in fact, a brief peek into Sakura's routine while she was still resting in Konoha was what taught me more or less what should be done. One day I was bored, the smell of medicines was all around me, the low lighting and the lack of things to do moved my body, almost alone, the outside of the clinic, doctors and nurses were whispering around me, to say that this It didn't bother me would be a lie, but, contrary to what I thought, the murmurs weren't about me, directly, but rather about her. Somehow her image became linked to mine in such a way that, just by seeing me walking through the corridors, they felt the need to bring up her name, medical matters always ended with praise, advice obtained and orders from her. Even without intention, my feet forced me to look for her, which for me, was an easy task considering that my target had hair the colors of cherry blossoms; When I located her, I stood at a distance that I knew she hadn't noticed me, while her eyes ran worriedly between several children who were sitting on the floor, just like her, as I arrived a little later, it took me a few seconds to understand that situation.
— Alright, kids, I have some homework for you!
— Oh, no, Sakura-sama! Homework, no! — they disapproved, making faces and scandalous noises.
— Don’t worry, it’s an easy task, you’ll like it. Please make a butterfly with your legs... That's it, just like that! Now I want you to place your hands above your knees and inhale...
The children repeated her movements like a mirror and Sakura smiled when she realized they were listening to her.
— Close your eyes. Breathe in and out, calmly. Do you hear that?
— What, Sakura-sama?
— The sound of the winds? Of the birds?
Unconsciously I noticed myself policing my breathing and paying attention to the sounds around me, somehow doing so caused a discreet restlessness that was emerging within me to calm down. I spent a few more minutes there, however, distracted by a medical Sakura, in a way I had never seen, I didn't notice when she came towards me, making me jump slightly when her eyes discovered mine, hidden by the distance, silent by the shame.
— Sasuke-kun? What do you do outside your room? I told you you need to rest — she said, sounding bossy.
— I can't stay idle... so I decided to walk around— omitting my intentions of finding her, I felt my face heat up relatively.
— I understand, but you should still rest, we haven't seen how your treatment is progressing yet.
— Sakura, what was that? —completely ignoring his sermon, I asked.
— That? — she asked, confused.
— You and those kids.
— Ah, we're doing tests. I intend to implement an area focused solely on the mental health of children who are victims of war, we are studying how we can deal with this. Those children suffer from great anxiety and internal torments, apparently, meditations have therapeutic effects and relieve stress — she said it all in one sentence, excitedly, I noticed that when Sakura talked about it, her eyes reached a different shade of green, a sparkling type. — Sorry for talking too much!
— Don't apologize.
After that, she made a point of accompanying me to the room I was in to re-dress my left arm. Something that day changed inside me, not that it hadn't already been changing since I lost to Naruto, but looking at her there, careful and smart as she always had been, attentive to the details of the world, saving and rescuing the souls that were cursed by the torments of minds, made my stomach churn anxiously. Her attention turned to my arm, I touched the ends of her hair with my other hand, so that she would look at me.
— Thank you, Sakura.
Her cheeks turned pink and a restrained smile appeared on her lips, making my damn heart beat faster.
-----
I give up.
My mind was unable to stay focused on anything it needed to, even though meditation had helped me. In the last few weeks, everything I did reminded me of her. I got up, noticing that the sun had softened, opening a gap for the clouds to form spaces with shade. I picked up my things that I had left at the foot of a random tree. I noticed that I started doing things that would purposely make me waver in my thoughts. This meditation was one of them. It was a masochistic feeling of wanting to relive the things I would like to experience and that I had a false taste generated by my own imagination. So whenever I dared to think of a way to relieve my stress, I found myself opening imaginary drawers, contemplating what it would be like to see her again, if she was different, or if she had discovered something new that would make her eyes shine like I once saw, if... if... if...
Sakura...
Dear Sakura,
I have no idea what I should write to you, in fact, I have no intention of letting you see this paper, these notes in my mind. I believe you must be wondering what I have been doing, even if you haven't, I want to share it with you, I want you to know that I have spent months trying to forgive myself for what I did to you, to Naruto, to Itachi and to everyone who risked themselves for my sake, and I have been able to do so, step by step. But would you think I am crazy for saying that I have put myself through another torment? I don't think so, I myself have had difficulty admitting to myself the reason for my stress, my muscular tension, my resistance to continuing this pilgrimage. And it is because of you, Sakura. I think I memorized your features, your mannerisms, your voice, and that was my biggest mistake, because remembering someone you can't see so well betrays my senses, causing me to have thoughts that sound like memories but never happened... and it's torturous. Sakura, I feel that this suffering could only be cured by you, after all, you are the one who always heals everyone, even without thinking or wanting to, your hands healed my body and your smile healed my heart. I don't know what you think of me now, if your feelings are still vivid to you, but I want you to know that I need spring to melt the glaciers that once sprouted inside me, and Sakura, spring has always gone so well with your shade of pink.
In the end, I folded the paper and threw it into the river's source, took another one and wrote: "I'm going home."