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It had never been easy for Armin. None of it. Not his life, not the things he wanted to say and definitely not his relationships. He was always stuck in the same circle, never able to steer any other direction. Everyone called him a genius, crippled by intelligence. He never found that to be true. Being smart never got him anywhere. It definitely never got him closer to Eren and they’d been friends their whole lives.
He was crippled by shame, by guilt; humiliation. All because of how he felt. Because he wanted Eren so desperately, so completely that it took over everything. He still hadn’t confessed his feelings, he was waiting for the right time but he’d been saying that for as long as they’d been friends. He’d do it tomorrow, next week or maybe shoot for next year when maturity could hit them sooner. So that when he finally confessed Eren would take him seriously.
It was senior year now and it held all the emotions of each year passed. Of all the days he’d cling on to Eren, of the nights they’d sleep in the same bed and the many times they’d gotten drunk together. The same cycle, the same hand outstretched, the same blinding smiling of Eren and the absence of his confession between all of that. Jean had told him he was a liar, that he was deceiving Eren and Armin couldn’t disagree. Jean was right when he said things meant something else to Eren than they did to Armin but the courage was never there for Armin to change any of it.
He sighed, still sitting on the edge of the bridge, right above the water. It was a popular place to swim and kids jumped from this bridge all the time but it was just another thing he’d never been brave enough to do.
“What’s got you so irritated?”
Armin turned to look at Eren, to absorb the sun radiating out of him, to watch the wind push against his skin and hair slowly. Armin looked away, his own smiling fading; his fingers tightening against the grainy cement of the bridge.
“Just homework again.” Armin said slowly.
He tensed when Eren slung his arm around him and when he leaned his head on his shoulder. These were things Eren always did, even turning his head so that his nose was flush to Armin’s skin. It would have been cute if they were little or if Armin would be able to appreciate it without turning it into something sick inside his head.
“You’re too smart to be worried, you always get A’s.”
“You could get A’s to Ya'know.” Armin said, taking another drink of his beer. “You’re plenty smart when you want to be.”
Eren laughed against his skin, causing him to tense up again. His skin prickled in heat, in the thought of how good it felt to feel Eren’s voice vibrate through his skin. It wasn’t the heat of summer by any means but it felt like it was to Armin. Eren’s phone rang, pulling him away from Armin like it had been a command. Armin didn’t want to look because he already knew who it would be. The girl he’d been jealous of since freshman year, when she’d started dating Eren.
Eren stood up, the sound of gravel beneath his feet. Armin watched Eren dust off his hands by wiping them on his jeans. He hated how easily Eren pulled away from him, how the misery settled into the empty space he’d left. He wanted to be able to get used to it but it hadn’t happened yet. He reached for his beer again, downing that one and opening up another one. The smell of Eren wafted over into his face as the wind rushed by, forcing him to look once again. Eren smiled, a huge grin only reserved for his girlfriend and laughed along with it. The smile reached his eyes, the laugh burrowing throughout his body. Jealous was a light word, not fully developed to completely describe the amount of contempt he had for that girl. But she’d always be something he wasn’t and that was appealing to Eren.
“I don’t know, Armin said that- . . . It’s senior year, what if we go to different colleges? I can hang out with you later, okay?”
Armin felt a bit smug, at least the roots he’d left weren’t that short. At least Eren cared enough about him to not bail on him every chance he got even if he did bail sometimes. Armin tuned them out, texting Jean until Eren returned and plopped down next to him again. He could feel Eren’s gaze but looked out at the calm water instead, his legs scraping against the bridge as he moved them. Life was only going to get worse from here because he was going to confess soon.
“Krista again?” Armin asked flatly, even though he already knew.
“Yeah, she was bitching at me again but-“
“But you should go to her. She’s your girlfriend after all.”
Eren laughed uneasily and Armin could just imagine the confusion on his face. He’s sure Eren took that as a rejection and that was something he never took well.
“When are you going to get a girlfriend?”
“I don’t look like you, Eren. How could I possibly get a girlfriend?” Armin asked, irritated.
“What? But you’re so cute.” Eren cooed, reaching over to pinch his cheek.
Cute didn’t have anything on Eren, that couldn’t even hold a candle to Eren. He was tall, he was tanned, his eyes were like a forest of deep green and his smile . . . Armin could continue but Eren’s lips against his cheek pulled him back like someone breaking through the surface of icy water.
“Cut it out!”
“You were just so cute I couldn’t help it.” Eren laughs like it’s a joke well placed and to anyone else it probably would have been.
Armin can’t handle the jokes anymore. Not the ones that consist of sappy ‘I love you's’ and intimacy so deeply craved he’d die for it. So when he pushes Eren away all he can feel is anger, like he’s the one being taken advantage of. Like Eren is trying to pick him up just for a quick lay even though it isn’t that at all. It’s just Eren being Eren and it’s not his fault that he can’t take a joke.
“You’re so cute and soft- especially here.” Eren says, reaching out to pat Armin’s stomach. “Oh, maybe not that soft anymore, do you have muscle now?”
Eren lifts his shirt without asking, his eyes traveling down until Armin snatches the fabric from him and pulls it down hastily. He stands up just the same, knocking over the empty cans until they roll and fall off the edge.
“Get away from me!” Armin huffs, the lines already so far crossed but he’s the only one that’s blurring them.
He knows it for a fact when Eren looks at him with true concern clouding the green of his eyes. He looks hurt, like a wounded dog who’s always believed in their master even though their masters holding the gun. It crumples Armin’s anger but only slightly because being mean is the only way to keep his distance. He knows he shouldn’t be here alone with Eren anymore than he should be anywhere else with him. But as Eren looks at him all he wants to do is tell the truth so that Eren can understand the way he’s been looking at him. So that way Eren will know what it means each time he calls him cute or adorable. Because he’s not some childhood Teddy bear that Eren can just carry around for comfort and that’s what he feels like. Like he’s only there for Eren’s convenience, that he’s reached for when needed and thrown in the corner when he isn’t. He doesn’t want to be that childhood Teddy or blanky. He wants to matter more than just for convenience.
“Armin?”
Armin turns to walk away but he’s never been good at leaving things undone so he turns back, his eyes taking Eren in like it’s the last time he’ll see his body outlined by the sun and opens his mouth.
“I love you, Eren.” He says, his voice shaky. “But I can’t-“
“Wait! Wait just a minute!” Eren says, getting to his feet quickly just to stand in front of Armin.
He grabs onto Armin’s wrist like he would Krista’s when they fought and Armin wants to vomit at the parallel. He’s never matched up to Krista.
“I don’t want to wait anymore, Eren.” Armin says softly, his hands shaking even as Eren pulls his wrist. “I love you but-“
“What is this about? Is it because I said you were cute? You know I was just joking.” Eren says with anxiety. “I didn’t mean-“
“It’s because you didn’t mean it!” Armin all but shouts, pulling his arm back from Eren. “It’s because you’d never mean it in a million years.”
“What? Sometimes I don’t get you at all, man.” Eren laughed, carefree.
“That’s because you’ve always been too fucking stupid.” Armin snapped, walking away.
“Armin? Where are you going? It’s going to be too cold out here for you pretty soon.”
“Fuck off.”
Eren doesn’t answer, he doesn’t move. He barely breathes because Armin’s theory about the childhood Teddy bear is right, not that Eren knows that, and it’s exhausting for him to have that label. Armin can feel the threads of their relationship, how it tethers him to Eren in a way that makes him want to turn back and apologize. But he can’t keep living next to Eren while wanting so much more from him.
He’s tired of being the reliable friend, of being cute and goofy but also serious all at the same time because it’s what Eren likes. He can’t hold back his hands or his emotions or the way he wants to kiss Eren so desperately which means he needs to leave before his words turn into something more of a confession.
He needs his feelings to stop because they're spreading like a forest fire, like a disease.
Like Ivy that'll never let go.