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“I know he’s here,” Margot pursed her lips in thought, “I received an email - it couldn’t be forged. Even now, you couldn’t say these things from pure observation.”
Margot sighed after her momentary burst. Sometimes she had these flashes from her life - She remembered that handsome blonde boy sitting on the sidewalk with her, bright green eyes and future. She remembered the redness that clouded them from his intoxication on their wedding day. And she remembered the overwhelming bloom of maternal affection when she looked down and her newborn baby girl had those exact same eyes.
It made her briefly wonder if she were dying, before she would snap out of it and forget once more.
“It was my husband” Margot stated finally. She was unsure whether it was said more with disdain or relief. Alison gaped, but it was clearly not from shock at the suggestion. She knew, Margot could tell almost immediately. Alison nodded slowly.
“He’s here,” She ran a hand through her hair, “I had an accident when I first got the house, and I bumped my head and I - I can see him.”
Margot huffed a laugh. Though truthfully, she was unsure whether it was really a laugh or just another way to dissuade tears. She’d cried too many times for him, as melodramatic as it sounded. One day she realised that by crying, she was giving Julian more energy than she needed to. Even still, after all this time, she somehow had made space for him to move her to tears.
“That bastard,” She laughed bitterly, covering her face with one hand “he is one of those people you can’t get rid of, no matter what.” She was unsure if that was meant to be negative or positive. Alison sipped her cup awkwardly, looking away from Margot. It made her feel worse, that someone was able to occupy his time like Alison when she got absolutely nothing when he was alive. He acted like he had to carve time out for Margot and Rachel, when he always managed to make time for parties and prostitutes.
Time, all that waiting, and for what? So he could lie, and cheat, and God knows what else he twisted.
“Well, where is he?” She inquired irritably, “I mean, can he see and hear me?” She titled her head in almost accusation at Alison. She nodded, “He’s been here the whole time.” She gestured to her side, where Margot could see nothing but air. She inhaled sharply, like she was holding in a part of him for a moment.
Margot exhaled slowly, letting the tenseness in her shoulders drop. She looked up, imagining his face, knowing exactly what angle because she’d done it so many times. Because she’d looked up to find him so many times, even when she knew she wouldn’t. There was nobody there but her and Julian.
“Rachel is happy. I wouldn’t uproot her life with this, not when she spent so much time trying to escape you,” Resentment bubbled in Margot’s chest, thinking about her little girl, about the little girl Julian had forgotten. Daughters were so easy to ‘forget’.
“And I don’t even know what’d she’d have to say, because all you have ever been perhaps an easy ticket financially - God, I’ve been thinking about this speech for years, Julian. About all the things I discovered, the pain I went through, the anger I felt.”
Margot’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration and resolution. “Maybe the appropriate action is to let it go with time, but I’m not that woman. I’m still angry, and I’m not going to let it go. I gave you everything I could offer and you sucked all the life out of us. You couldn’t even give me the decency when you bloody carked it,” Margot’s voice raised in white hot rage, “I had to find you died on the news! In the morning! With our daughter in the room! With the lonely life you left me.”
Margot scrunched up her fists tightly, digging her nails in her palms. “A TV told me my marriage was over, Julian. And that my husband was dead, and that he died disrespecting me like you always did,” tears welled, she hadn’t even noticed in the midst of her rant. A tear fell from her cheek as she cursed in a raspy voice, “You cheating, lying, sick son of a bitch.”
Alison had all but shrivelled into her seat, clearly Julian wasn’t speaking to her. It was so like him to say nothing now, with his failures laid bare. He couldn’t handle it when push came to shove. Margot wiped her face, sniffling. Something in her heart ached, but it wasn’t out of anger. It was the feeling of having him near again, her Julian. Back when things were simple and he had eyes for only her, he did such careless things then.
She remembered that she lost her father’s pocket watch that he had during the war. Julian had waved a hand, left for a moment, before returning. His uncle, something or other, had gone to war, and also kept a pocket watch. She kept it and gave it to Rachel when she went to Cambridge. Along with Julian’s own Cambridge ring. It wasn’t just objects he gave. He held her every morning on the day of her father’s passing. Julian was not a man of great memory, especially not for their relationship, but he never forgot that day.
Margot pressed a hand to her chest. “Julian, I…I kept every bit of land you owned, I’ve even got the orangery going now, mostly for handing out. I kept all the cars, your suits are still in our closet, sometimes I spray your colognes on the bed just to imagine I’m sleepy next to you.” She glanced down, knowing she wouldn’t be able to look at him if she could seem him. “In my life, I always thought I would have someone to grow old with, someone to love for a long time. But I can’t love anyone else, Julian, when even the reminder of you makes me remember the happy times first. I don’t know why I give you so much leniency.”
Margot looked back up. She pictured him like she remembered, fluffy blonde hair stuck down with too much hair product, the greeting hidden by overlapping layers. Mischievous green eyes with a cheeky smile. “I wanted a man I could love forever, so I guess that makes him you - even if you aren’t around to see it.” Margot stood quickly from her seat as Alison wiped her own eyes. Alison smiled sympathetically at her. “He says-“
“I don’t want to know what he says.” Margot quickly cut her off.
She was satisfied to only once have the final say between them.