Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Be not afraid; Do not fear. That implies that there is something to be afraid of. 

Janis had always found the concept of a biblically accurate angel fascinating. She was not religious; she just found them interesting.

She found it funny. Glorious humanoid creatures, beautiful wings, perfect faces, and an all-righteous nature that brings warmth and comfort, that's how people describe angels.

When in theory, humans would find angels terrifying because they would not be able to comprehend their eldritch forms. Perhaps, it is that angels are spiritual creatures who exist outside of time and space, so, recreating their image, complete with their heavenly light and presence as well as supernatural strength and force, wouldn’t be the easiest thing.

It’s all so complex, complexity is something Janis adores. Because who truly enjoys normalcy? Sort of like High school, people will tell you there is nothing to fear when there is a divine being floating above your head that is supposedly unfathomable, and powerful beyond words could describe.

However, Angels are far from the best examples of high school. Considering there is nothing divine, nothing to look up to, nothing all-powerful, and nothing unfathomable about it. Although, there is fear, a lot of it.

And then Regina George is the devil… A voice in her head whispered.
 
No, no she isn’t. Janis shook her head. She never was. And never will be...
 
She was her place of worship.

Position your posture, stand still, and hold your breath. 
 
Don’t let them know you’re there. They truly are like animals some of them. That’s what Janis was used to, make herself invisible, they won’t bother with you if you’re silent. Whether you want them to go or stay, they won’t bother you. She learned that the hard way.

So that’s what Janis did when the Queen bee, or now former Queen bee approached her. Damian wasn’t here today so she sat in silence alone; Janis wasn’t sure how to feel about silence, sometimes she yearned for it, and other times it was unbearably loud. 
 
Regina approached her alone. Janis watched her come towards her, her head tilted down and freezing. She saw her shoes below the table; she was close. Had Regina stopped to talk to her? Or rather to metaphorically wring her like the cloth, free of every shred of dignity she held in her today.

Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. How ironic it is that some ache for the gentle caress of a touch, while others dread it, as it brings back the remnants of their darkest memories.

Janis did not crave it. Especially not from the blonde. She flinched at the touch and glanced up to see Regina’s hand pull back as if her reaction stung her like acid. And that could’ve made Janis smile because Regina's words were like acid to her,  acid rain that she found hard to avoid and slowly disintegrated her barriers like she always has been able to do. 
 
And if Regina reacted that way to her flinching. Maybe Janis’s dislike for her burned her like the blonde's words burned her soul. And that made her feel…missed? Ridiculous.

Although, ridiculous was on brand for her.

She blinked back to her brief escape from reality then deadpanned, “Regina,” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, or perhaps an observation;  The blonde was here so she said her name. What was socially acceptable, wasn’t it? 
 
Janis also made sure to keep her tone neutral, measurably neutral. She wasn’t scared of the blonde, or at least not much, not anymore. Janis feared many things, and the blonde wasn’t one of them, on a good day at least.

Janis observed her silently, studying her with an eye of nothing but an artist. Her gaze traced the lines of her face, trying to pinpoint what the blonde may need before she even needed to part her lips to speak it.

“Sit with us,” Regina paused, as if unsure of herself. It was unfamiliar to the brunette. "If you want.” Regina had added, as an afterthought. It was clear she wasn’t used to asking nicely for things, but it was also clear she was trying.

Janis was fine sitting alone, not that affected her decision, it didn’t. Without her her answer would be no, it would always be no. This wasn’t the first time Regina had offered or the first time the blonde tried to reconnect with her. 

Cady was sitting with them today, and she had offered as well. She declined, she’s only been around the former Plastics a few times and would rather spare herself the anxiety, so Janis is curious to see why Regina thought she could persuade her otherwise.

“No, but why?” Janis spoke calmly, tilting her head in a cheeky and a tad condescending gesture. Regina’s face fell a bit but masked it with a small smirk that unexpectedly made her heart jump.

“You look lonely.” That is what Regina said, but in a tone that made Janis want to… flick her in the forehead or something. She wasn’t quite mad at her, as she wasn’t on poor terms with the blonde, but she still felt that burning anger from everything simmering beneath her skin like hot oil. Like, if she were to cut it open, hot grease would pour from her skin instead of blood, and it would burn her as it dripped down her arms.

They had been staring at one another wordlessly for two minutes and thirty-four seconds. Janis was wasting their time on purpose.

“I’m not, so why?” Janis lied; Loneliness never left her, but in the moment, she was content. 
 
Another thing about her was that she enjoyed confusing people; it was her favorite thing to do, and it was working, as Regina had paused.

“Why?” Regina echoed.

“Why,” Janis confirmed, her voice suddenly tense.

Why. She had a lot of questions for the blonde that started with that word.
 
Why do I have to feel like this? Why do you always do this? Please tell me why. You said what you said, and you did what you did; there is no going back.

And she'll forgive, she’d even forget. Why? She wasn’t sure.
 
Why.
 
Yet it would take lifetimes for her to get the desired answers, and she knew that, so instead she said, “Why should or would I sit with you?”

“Because I want you too,” Regina stated simply as if it were easy for her. Janis wishes it were that simple.

“People get tired of me.” Janis countered. The only people she thought truly tolerated her were Damian, Cady even, and perhaps her mother on a good day.

“I won’t,” Regina whispered…

Janis’s jaw clenched.

Liar.

“Yes, yes you would.” Janis looked away, inhaling deeply. Breathe, Janis. Breathe.

She wishes that was true, but it was a fantasy. A fantasy in which Regina didn’t grow tired of her, and they stayed together, and everything would be alright. 
 
Fantasies may not last, so she just clasps them softly in her hands like a firefly, a speck of light in the dark, that allowed their brief isolation. Freedom and hope bloom in uncertainty, as her mother would put it, and God was Janis uncertain as hell.

“Janis, are you okay?” she heard Reina speak to her softly and looked back up, Regina looked like she was going to apologize. Janis couldn’t handle that, because then maybe she’d let her in, and then perhaps Regina would slice her way out of her chest cavity.

“I’m fine, so you can fuck off, “ Janis glared at her, just as Regina went to respond the bell rang. Just as she had timed it, just as she had planned. 
 
She stood, scoping up her stuff with practiced ease and sliding past the blonde who had now fixed her a concerned look. 

Janis let out a sigh of relief, the coil in her chest that was always ready to spring loosening. 
 
She slowly walked to her next class with a feeling buzzing through her that could only be described as anxiety, or maybe it could be described as another thing, she was quite sure. But it was familiar, all too familiar. 
 
The rest of that simple day passed in a blur, a colorful blur that fell behind her eyes and absorbed into her brain like water into a sponge.
 

 
Janis has been here before, sitting there in her room. I wish I was seen for who I am. She thought softly to herself, gazing up at the ceiling, but she doubted that could ever happen. 

Why can't you just see me? She blinked a few times as tears started to make her vision blur, turning to lay on her side. All this time wasted. 

Just look at me.

Her mind begged; but if you were to ask who to? She’d have no real clue. 

Why do you ignore me? 

She wanted to scream.

Just listen to me! 

She sat up, yanking at her hair and shutting her eyes tightly, forcing herself to be

She wanted her thoughts to be quiet. She wanted silence, she didn’t want all this noise. She tried to think of something soft, something happy. 

She recalled when she was six years old, she did what every six-year-old did. She played outside and felt in a nearly unexplainable way, that she had no worries at all. She remembers running around barefoot then whining as her mother plucked splinters from her feet, she remembered screaming in joy as she ran through the sprinklers on a hot summer day. 

She hadn’t noticed, but she had relaxed, everything felt less tense. The brunette’s feelings were complicated, she never could manage to explain them to anyone and how complicated they truly were. The enormity of this endless paradox of feeling, which has disgusted her to her core seems to shrink to the point where it seems to be pointless to even talk about it.

But wasn’t everyone feeling that way?

She sat up straight, sniffling a bit and wiping her damp eyes, she tried her best to not let real tears fall. It made her feel weak, and Janis Imi’ike was far from weak.

When she was younger things were simpler, when her family was happy, before her dad became an addict, before he had hit her mom and her, before they were forced to run away.

She swallowed thickly, shaking her head, it was a way of grounding herself, ridding herself of those thoughts.

She hadn’t even realized how late it was getting till she started seeing moonlight peek through her curtains, the pale light dancing along the floor in a thin line like the lines that marred her skin. Pale and faded.

She walked over to the window, pulled open her curtain, and gazed upwards. As a small child, she adored the moon and the stars, she felt a baffling desire to be close to them. When she got older, though, like every growing creature, felt the overwhelming urge to know everything.
She always knew was curious.

She also knew people like to pretend that they know everything. Well, one person cannot know all that there is to know. Some people just know more, than others do. She thought to herself. She often felt like she knew too much, and learned too much, yet I knew so little about things that really matter.

She laughed almost bitterly to herself, staring up for a while longer at the moon, It was almost perfect, but it too had its craters.

The moon and sun had always, or at least since she was eight and had first met Regina, reminded her of her and the blonde, because like the moon, Janis had flaws. And like the moon, she —or at least she used to— needs Regina to shine.

And Regina was her sun, her glorious sun that blazed brighter than anything from her view. That warmed her skin made her day brighter, and was larger than life.

But if you got too close, you got burned.

Janis laughed as her back hit the grass with a soft thud and she turned to look at a faux irritated Damian, shaking her head, bemused, “You..you told your mom that?” she cackled, boy was she happy her friend was back.

“Okay, okay. I get it! You’ve been laughing forever,” Damian rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help but laugh as well and joined her in the grass.

“Okay, but you told your mom you have a thing for-” Damian clasped his hand over Janis’s mouth so she couldn’t finish her sentence… just to be bitten, albeit softly, yet he still yelped and smacked her.

“Janis Imi’ike!? You’re gonna give me rabies or something!  I do not want you weird lesbian-gremlin disease!” Damian scoffed, rubbing his hand on Janis’s jacket while Janis kept laughing.

Damian let her laugh it out for a while, her giggles slowly dying down. Janis had spent a full three days away from her best friend due to Damian being sick, of course she brought him food but Damian flat out refused to let Janis near him because of how easily Janis got sick, and how it would’ve been even worse for the small girl.

“So,” Damian hummed, watching as Janis gazed up at the clouds with hooded eyes, “sit with the plastics?”

Janis truthfully wasn’t listening, she had retired to the freshly cut grass lawn, the tension in her head from the stress of the day falling away. 

Softly thinking about how she wished she could lay dead like the flowers, all day long. How free it would be, to live like a dead flower or leaf or even litter, dancing in the breeze and being swept away.

And one day my body may lay motionless on the ground, with all the hungry vegetation growing around me-

“Janis?” Damian snapped in her face and she blinked up rabidly.
 
“Huh?”

“I asked if you sat with the plastics.”
“No, I haven’t,” Janis responded awkwardly, she just didn’t feel comfortable around them, especially if it was just her and Cady, she needed her emotional support gay if she were to be around the former Plastics, she had been around them, but Damian had always been with her.

“Why not?” Damian asked, soft and curious.

There is that word again. Why.

Janis picked at her nails, then shrugged and laughed nervously, “I dunno…” She did know. And she knew he knew as well.
Fear.

Simply put at least, because she felt the need to be tightly bound and stone cold around her.

Because when she smiles my heart swells…
Yet, with the swelling comes the ache.  As though she was stitched together from both longing and fear,  the threads fraying at the edges.

Maybe she’d be made from colorful thread, at least. 
She chuckled at that thought. Then paused and looked up and Damian who was staring at Janis like the enigma she was, “I want to try.”

“Try what?”

Janis paused in thought, try what exactly? Then it came to her, and she spoke it with a confidence she had to summon from her chest, “Try. Try and make friends, expand our social life, and be happier. And to forgive Regina. I want to try.”

“Okay, Jan. Let’s try.” Damian smiled at her, a puzzled smile but one of affection.

Janis smiled back, then lay back down and closed her eyes, letting it all sink in. She always felt like eyes were burning into her, they stared at her with curious, or maybe judgemental eyes. As if her skin held secrets they were too afraid to uncover.  

But what they call a flaw is simply the outline of a story they’ll never know. 

Or rather one yet to be told.

Chapter Text

Janis raised her hand, rather eager to ask, “If love has an endless supply, why is hate all I see?”

Her youth leader paused, a frown creasing his lips and his eyes narrowing slightly at the young Janis, “Pardon?

“There is hate everywhere, y’know?  I hear people use the word ‘hate’ more than they use the word ‘love’, why?” She was curious. Quite curious, “And if God loves everyone why is there a hell?”

“Uh, well,” He paused, then shook his head, “Don’t ask silly questions, we’re not supposed to question The Lord.”

Janis never was given an answer to her question. It simply made no sense to her. God never had made sense to her.

Janis wasn’t allowed back at church after too many questions.

She didn’t mind though,  she didn't want to remember the church bells or the music that played, telling her she needed to be happy… 

Or the feeling that she must hide. 

Janis stared down at her paint-splattered shoes, nervously picking at her cuticles.

There is a weight to silence. A fullness that fills the empty spaces between her thoughts. A stillness that hummed in her bones. Janis liked silence, she did.

She did not like this silence though. 

Her, Damian, Cady, and The Plastics were all sitting together, dead silent at their table. This was odd because many of them were loud, which Janis had tried to adjust to but not quite. She had sensitive ears, which is. Unconventional considering the house she was raised in.

We're all built by the same atoms, and yet somehow I'm not the same. 

She’d never been the same and that seemed to be the issue.

Her foot tapped softly against the tile flooring, and she glanced up. Should she try and talk, or leave them in this uncomfortable silence?

Janis could be loud herself, but now words formed under her tongue. Oh, and how she hated how everything she was contradicted itself, she hated how she didn’t like the noise and yet she was so loud, or how she could love someone so fully but not even trust them with her palm, she was sure they’d cut it. She hated it.

Her brown eyes drifted to Regina who was picking at her food with a grossed-out look on her face and wondered If Janis could speak, would she even turn?  Would her eyes soften at the weight of her voice?  

She shook her head and looked back down.

Someone speak.

She was begging at this point, her hands clasped softly together. Praying. 

She flinched at the thought and unclasped her hands, blinking. It was a force of habit.

“So, y’all got any gossip?” Damian broke the silence, and Janis felt her body relax. 

That certainly got people talking no doubt. Gretchen piped up immediately and sooner than later Janis felt a warmth creep into her chest as she watched… as she watched the people around her talk.

Were they friends? Maybe. Maybe not.

All but Janis and Regina were speaking, the only reason she noticed Regina was because she felt the uncomfortable sensation of eyes burning into her skin, a feeling she should have become familiar with but simply couldn’t.

She blinked as she made eye contact with Regina, unsure what to say.

Be friendly, Cady said to be friendly. She reminded herself.

Say something!

“Uh, why can’t some creatures sit on clouds?”

Regina blinked as though taken aback, then just stared at her like she was a puzzle she couldn’t quite figure out.

Finally, the blonde responded, “What?”

“Uh, there are lizards that can walk on water, crustaceans with sonic weapons, fish that live on land. Why can't some creatures sit on clouds sometimes?” Janis said slowly. Deflect with humor. 

Regina’s lips quirked at the corners, “I… don’t know.” Regina said slowly.

Janis shrugged, suddenly awkward. Why does she say such weird things?

She has no idea how to talk to Regina, not anymore at least. She was scared to get to know her again.

But she’d try, right? She said she would, even if it felt impossible, nothing was. She could try and forgive her…

There are rivers that run uphill, and dunes that look painted in color. Water can float into the sky, and ice can form without cold. A certain metal melts at room temperature, and rocks can grow like plants.

Everything is impossible until it happens. Until it's discovered. Until it's done.

The world is a wonderful, nonsensical, bizarre, contradictory, random, impossible place.

She could do this little thing.

Memories flashed behind her eyes as the blonde’s foot tapped her and she pulled it back quickly, looking down once more.

Not today, though.

With Regina, there is a calling. An inquisitive question echoed between the gaps of her fingers from each steady beat of Janis’s heart, ricocheting back and forth, left unanswered, and caught, never quite reaching and sinking into her skin. 

Janis let out a soft breath, then tuned into the conversation, carefully angling her head away from Regina. 

“Oh my god, I know! He is literally so frickin’ cute, Damian! I could set you up with him!” She heard Gretchen excitedly say while wiggling her eyebrows and audibly groaned. 

Damian laughed, noticeably, “Ah, yes. You’re emotionally dead, right, Jan?” He joked, and Janis rolled her eyes.

From where they’re standing it probably looked like she didn’t feel much at all but the truth is, she feels things on a spectrum of colors they couldn’t even begin to fathom. 

“Oh, totally. Cold to the core.” Janis joked back, and he chuckled. They continued to talk and eventually, the bell rang. She collected her stuff, less anxious than she had once been.

As she packed up, she heard a soft voice ask, “Janis, can we…talk? Please?”

All the anxiety returned.

And she was always so surprised when it felt exactly the same hearing those words as it did the last time, that familiar dread that felt like a mouth full of blood after a punch to the nose. Those words were never good in her past, she could only hope they might be. 

She looked up and her brown ords met Regina’s blue ones, and Janis had the slightest temptation to say no, to leave a biting remark. But she didn’t, she stopped herself.

“Sure,” she responded, careful not to sound either too excited or the lead onto the enormous amount of dread she felt. Regina registered rather awkwardly for her to sit, she hesitated briefly then sat.

As she sat, she stimmed by wringing her wrist. It was all so… odd.

Regina never spoke softly, but she had and when she did she thought she might’ve heard the flicker of her Regina, the old one.

She sat and gazed almost - but not quite - blankly at her. Waiting for the blonde to speak.

“Janis, I think you deserve a real apology, because…” Regina trailed off, as if the words didn’t want to come out, like they were crawling their way back into her lungs, “Because, what happened, what I did, isn’t… it wasn’t fair. I hurt you, I hurt you in ways no one should ever be hurt, and I broke your trust.  And- and I’m so sorry.”

Janis stared. She had wanted an apology for oh-so long and now she had it. And it felt… underwhelming. Not that it hadn’t been sufficient enough, but it… did it truly make her feel better? It made her feel lighter, but it didn’t take away the trauma.

“Okay,” Janis whispered, looking down and processing the information. What should she do now? She had her apology… What could she even say?

That she didn’t forgive her? That she wanted to but was scared she couldn’t? That the world has teeth and no mercy - that her forgiving one another could be a recipe for disaster? That she is beginning to learn that the world doesn’t care about your soft nature, your apologies, or your honest soul? That it will eat you alive, bones and all, without so much as a second thought?

“I’m sorry too,” is what came out instead, and she glanced up, “I’m sorry for… all of it. I shouldn’t have made that plan let alone execute it, and I’m sorry you got hit by a bus.” She whispered, “And I’m trying…to forgive you. I think.”

Regina nodded and blinked rabidly. Was she going to cry? Janis doubted it, but it wasn’t like the blonde couldn’t cry, she had held the blonde as salty tears drenched her shoulder and she had felt the blonde shake like a tree in the storm, begging to be beautiful when she was already the most beautiful girl she had ever set eyes on.

“I’m so sorry, Janis. I’m so sorry,” Regina whispered, hushed and low, but Janis still could hear it echoing around the empty cafeteria despite that, “I will spend eternity making it up to you if I can.”

Janis laughed at that, it just slipped out, but Regina laughed along, “Okay…” Janis laughed out.

“Okay.” Regina echoed.

They sat across from each other in silence and it wasn’t till the curl of Janis’s lips fell back into a frown that she stood up, grabbed her bag, and turned to walk away but paused.

“I really am trying,” Janis whispered, not turning to look at the blonde.

“I know,” Regina whispered back.

She knows.

Memories.

Oh, how Janis both loved and loathed her memories.

The problem with memories is that she wishes for the bad ones to vanish.  While we hope and pray to never forget the good ones. In a way all of life is like this, we hope for the bad to vanish and the good to stay, but the problem is that not everyone has the same definition of  “bad”.

Yet, without our bad times, and bad memories, we wouldn’t be the same people. Not at all. And Janis often wondered who she might be if she was handed a different deck of cards.

Another thing about memories is that she can visit them but can’t live in them. No matter how hard she might try, if she could go live in all her good memories, she would slowly start to see the bad in all of them as well. It's a harsh truth to accept. Like when she over-analyzes a look she receives or a text. You start to see the bad.

Memory isn’t a unique thing to humans though it can seem like that at times. A dog could just be kicked and would run back to its owner, forgetting the incident ever happened. That could simply be a loyalty thing… She wished people could forgive that easily. She wished she could forgive that easily.

But it wasn’t that simple, she often felt like a kicked dog but she had stopped crawling back the day she was outed. She realized that she really had been abandoned that day and had accepted it.

People and animals’ memories alike can be triggered by sensory, trauma, and emotions. Like when someone raises a hand at her, and she flinches away. Memories can be blamed for that.

How do you live with a father whose idea of love is beating you till you’re down and then leaving you to build yourself back up?

This was a question she had asked herself at the young age of nine, and the answer was; You don’t.

If someone hurts you and continues to hurt you, you leave. That is what her mother had taught her and that is what she’d try and live by. So when Regina had promised to spend her time earning Janis’s forgiveness, she told herself that as long as she wasn’t hurt again she’d be alright.

She lay on the couch of her garage, feet up and staring. Thinking. And waiting for Damian to arrive.

So far, Regina had kept her promise. She had been okay for the week, she didn’t make hardly any sly comments at all, and sitting with them at lunch wasn’t all that bad.

Perhaps she could even love her openly someday…

The thought passed her mind her breath caught in her throat.

She heard a knock on the door to the garage and stood. When she stood, she saw concrete and cathedral steps instead of what was really in front of her, and blinked rapidly till they left her vision and she stared down at the raggedy carpet.

It hit her like a slap, and she contemplated sitting down to process why even though she openly loved who she wanted and was proud of who she was, the guilt lingered and made her even more hesitant to love, and she was sure it was way more than the fact she might never get over the blonde…

She inhaled sharply, then marched towards the door and opened it, not forcing on a smile because as soon as she set eyes on her best friend she grinned.

Damian really was her platonic soulmate, she wasn’t sure what she’d do without him.

“Hey, gaybo, why’d you knock?” She chuckled and let him in, which he strode in and plopped down on the couch. Every other Saturday they had a movie night, and this Saturday was no different. 

She walked over to the couch and plopped down, reaching behind her to grab her laptop and open it. She and Damian argued over what new trashy movie to watch, per usual, and eventually, she gave it and allowed them to watch some new rom-com, grumbling over how ‘unrealistic and pointless’ they were.

They watched, Janis concluded that the lead lady was extremely gay and that she should run away with her best friend while Damian criticized the soundtrack, rightfully at that. The music chosen was horse shit.

Then they decided they rather play a board game and fell asleep before they could even finish one round.

“Tag!” 

A ten-year-old Janis giggled as she was chased through the park, stumbling as the blonde stumbled behind her. She could smell the worn, tattered brown edges of the wilting green summer leaves and the dusty, crumpled blades of grass that lay beneath them. Weaving through the familiar battered park trees.

She looked up to feel the warmth that showered her skin with the sweet light of the sun.

Stumbled.

Fell.

She slid as she landed, her palms scraped, and bleeding. As well as her knees. She sat up and felt as though she was going to cry, she heard a gasp behind her and blinked a few times, tears rolling down her face.

“Oh no, Janis! Are you okay?” Regina kneeled beside her. Regina was the first friend she made since she and her mom moved in with her grandmother, away from her father, and they were already attached at the hip.

The shorter girl nodded, Janis wiped her tears, palms stinging from the tears rubbing into her cuts. She looked down at her palm and stared at the small bit of blood pooling from her palm, realizing she probably smeared some onto her face.

And she just stared at her palm. Blood. And it was just crazy because, from that moment on, she was not just a spirit or a human. She was also a body. With blood…

That didn’t last long because her gaze was ripped away as the blonde took and examined her palm. Then leaned forward and blew on it, her cool breath hitting it and soothing it surprisingly enough. Then her hand was flipped and Regina kissed it, “There, all better! Now let’s get you cleaned and some bandaids!”

“I’m fine,” she sniffed and pulled her hand away, she didn’t want to cry, they were just some silly scrapes but she felt like screaming from how overwhelming the throbbing was. Regina pouted and hurriedly helped her up.

“Nope, c’mon, we’re going to Ms. Imi’ike, and you’re getting these cleaned ASAP!” Regina announced and practically dragged a sniffling brunette to her mother while she whined.

It was only after that she felt butterflies swarm in her chest, a soft awakening. I wonder what that’s about?

Chapter Text

She rises every morning to the beeped cry of the simple alarm clock, an unwanted reminder that the day has started. She has never been a morning person, and she doesn’t see that changing in the future. Mornings sucked. 

Janis slugged out of bed, dragging herself downstairs. She cracked her back and yawned. Her posture was rarely straight, something that strains and forms aches in her muscles when she sits or stands for long periods of time. Her mom said it's because she has the constant need to move, but Janis never was sure it was just that. She probably sleeps wrong.

The scent of food hit her nose, and she knew that she was going to be fed. Food was how her mother showed her love, that was a constant in her life. She sat down and smiled sleepily at her mother who greeted her with her own quiet smile.

The brunette stared down at her plate, picking at the fluffy eggs, and pushing them around her plate. She wasn’t hungry, she was much too deep in thought to eat her breakfast. She looked up and stared at her mother who was humming to herself as she washed the dishes, then she looked right back down

Regina had sat right next to her at lunch on Friday, and it freaked her out. Regina had offered to drive Janis home, and it freaked her out. Regina complimented her artwork and watched her paint.

And… It freaked her out. She wasn’t used to it.

Regina, Regina, Regina. That’s all she thought about when left alone with her thoughts for the past few weeks. 

It was odd. She has Regina mapped. Integral and integrated, and immersed within each crevice of her mind. Her handprints on her memories, fingertips plucking at her heartstrings in the most painful way. She never could get her off her mind, she couldn’t scrub what's been scorched. She couldn’t drown out what was painted behind her eyes, and across each wall of her skull, drenched in color, consumed with green.

She hated it.

“Mama, when do you know when and how to forgive someone?” She asked slowly. Her mother looked up at her tender, thoughtful eyes met hers.

“Well, it depends,” Her mother hummed and dried her hands slowly with a dish rag, “People forgive in different ways, yeah? Sometimes the easiest way to forgive is to let go, and other times it takes time and effort to forgive. It’s really about how you feel, Janis.” 

Janis nodded slowly, and her mom continued, “Why do you ask, ipo?”

Janis shrugged, not wanting to talk about Regina to her mother at all. The room fell into comfortable silence beside the soft hum of a fan and the sound of her cat Poe’s claws scratching against the floorboards. Poe was named after her favorite poet. What could she say? She was a sad little middle schooler.

(For obvious reasons...)

She felt like those quiet moments were documented somehow. Stored deep within the crevices of the white walls, the wooden chairs. 

Or maybe even more fortunately, if she ever happened to be lucky enough, within the memories of others. 

“I’m gonna go on a run,” Janis informed her mother softly, standing up but quickly sitting back down when her mother gave her a deathly glare that said, ‘Not before you finish eating my eggs you’re not’. So she shoveled the rest of her food into her mouth, then slid past her mom, and dumped her plate in the sink. She turned back around again to wash it after making eye contact with her mother again, her mother was scary for a small woman, then ran to her room to get dressed.

She threw on her clothes and slipped on her shoes, rushing for no reason other than not wanting to be left alone with her thoughts.

Janis jogged, eyes fixed ahead of her. She felt her feet pound against the pavement, making the heel of her foot ache; it was exhilarating. Feeling the flush of wind on her cheeks, and the slight sting from the cold. She rounded the block, inhaling the cool air deeply. It hit her nose in an unpleasant way. 

Cold. Janis got cold much too easily. Or at least that was what she was told. 

But she liked running.

Running from what? She knew it was nothing, but it didn’t always feel like that.

She clenched her fists a bit as she continued to jog, forcing herself to speed up. She stretched her legs. 

Running.

She ran so quickly she almost didn’t feel her feet leaving the ground. There felt like there was a stitch in her side, pain lancing across her ribs. She looked up at the sky and saw the sun peaking out behind a cloud and her thoughts of Regina came flooding back to her. 

She was the melody that played in her head that cannot even be categorized as music. It was loud but quiet and it was a cacophony of random, eerie noises that sounded calming but at the same time so haunting that she felt as if her ears would bleed.

She really was obsessed.

Oh, how she despised that word.

She could feel herself being pulled down into the earth, she slowed and clutched her chest, which was burning from the exertion on her lungs. 

Maybe she wasn’t the biggest fan of running. Maybe she just liked the pain, the distraction.

Fuck.

Over the weekend, Janis spent her time painting.. Or self-isolating. Maybe a bit of both. The brunette always struggled with her social battery, which was a constant in her life. She needed time to recharge, and usually, yes, she’d need a few hours but this week was so different.

Janis struggled with change, she wanted to embrace it but that was easier said than done.

So she poured what was bothering her into her art. Words have never been her strong suit, trying to articulate her emotions is difficult when they are so indescribable. She did it with passion, too.

The artist tapped the brush to her lower lip and stared at her work. A figure. Yes. That it was; A figure, a colorful mess of colors that came together to form the sun in human form, hues of yellow and orange, with splashes of purple. The texture and brushstrokes were vibrant and free.

And only one word could come to mind; Regina.

How could it not be? 

She grits her teeth and stares at the painting, it becomes the only thing that she sees, stretched out for eternity, as if she wasn’t its creator. 

Yes, passion is needed to express fully and transmit what’s in her heart onto a canvas…

She hated this stupid fucking painting. (She hated that she was falling in love again, or perhaps she never really fell out of it.)

A yawn spaced Janis’ lips, her back arching into a stress. Her head hurt, the caffeine hadn’t kicked in yet from her energy drink, or maybe it had, she was a bit shaky. Did the caffeine make her tired today? ADHD was weird. 

(And completely debilitating at times)

Her eyes drifted absently to Damian’s coffee, she grinned to herself as she reached for it but her hand was slapped away and she pouted.

“Baby girl, you don’t need any more caffeine.” He looked her up and down and sighed, “How much did you sleep last night?”

“Er, some hours,” she waved him off dismissively. Frankly, Janis didn’t want to think. Her head hurt, she was simultaneously jittery and sleepy, and her clothes felt constricting. She inhaled sharply, and closed her eyes, letting her head thunk down on the table. She despised Mondays. 

“Janis, are you good?” she heard someone ask, and she grumbled. How was she to explain to the people around her that she often felt like a single-celled organism that flounders and uses little tentacles to move, twist, and bend in a world full of people who stand on two legs?

“JJ?” And she froze. That nickname. That nickname, that only ever came from one person's lips. Her head snapped to the side to look at who spoke to her, although she already knew.

It was Regina, because, of course, it was just Regina. When was it ever not Regina nowadays? 

Jani stared up at Regina. Who was looking at her quizzically. Like she was a puzzle or an equation she couldn't quite solve. 

They just stared at each other, and everyone seemed to be silent. Or did they? Maybe it just felt like that. Regina was so bright in her eyes that sometimes it made everything around her seem dull.

It was only after moments of them staring at one another that Janis became aware of the heat in her cheeks. She was blushing.

“Uh, what?” Janis’ voice cracked when she finally spoke, and she cleared it.

“Are you alright?” Regina's eyes searched hers, and the brunette knew whether she answered truthfully or not, Regina would know the answer. She hated it.

“Yes,” Janice spoke quietly, looking down at her Converse and hiding her flushed face. She didn't know why but being called by her childhood nickname, by her childhood best friend, almost made her nauseous in a way… but it also made her feel warm. She really wishes she understood her emotions sometimes, I mean come on how hard can it be? People have been having emotions for all of eternity, get a grip, girl!

“If you say so. " Regina sat beside Gretchen, giving Janis a funny look.

Janis stayed quiet until the bell rang, signaling that they needed to go to class. Once again her thoughts were consumed by Regina, and it wasn't like she didn't have a social life, it was just that the blonde invaded her thoughts. Regina George was all-consuming.

She shook her head, and those thoughts that were filled with the goddess of a woman— Gosh she had to get her out of her head. She was thinking of her as a goddess now? Great. That’s just great. 

Well, if Regina George was a goddess, she'd be Kakia. 

Or Aphrodite. 

“Fuck my life.” She huffed to herself, running her hands through her hair and making her way down the hallway. 

Coincidences. 

That had to be what this was because unless her eyes were playing tricks on her Regina George was holding a lacrosse stick, announcing the fact she made the team, and she just so happened to decide to run the Snack Shack during those games this year because she may or may not have been slacking on community service hours. 

Her father once said he didn’t believe in coincidences. He’s also said he’d have ripped her throat out if she were a man as if she should feel lucky. She was in elementary school at the time, she was 8 when confronted with that statement. Yet still, she often wondered if she happened to lack a uterus, and was born something he’d find camaraderie within, that he wouldn’t have raised his hand at her or her mother…

But anyways, Janis hadn't really been planning to spend much time alone with Regina, but it seemed like that's what the universe wanted to happen. She certainly wouldn't have planned to go to the blonde's games, or have volunteered in the first place. Janis wasn't even that big on sports but she knew that the job was easy enough, so she took it. Stupid universe.

“So, Janis, seems as if we’re gonna be seeing more of each other.” Regina slid in beside her, with a confidence Janis herself could never match, the taller girl's thigh touched hers and she retracted it quickly. Regina paid no mind to it though, not seeming hurt as she usually would, more so as if she had come to an understanding, an understanding that Regina touching her scared her.

“I guess so.” She responded evenly, shrugging, and looking down at her roughed-up boots, “Congrats, by the way.”

“Thanks,” The blonde paused, “Y’know, you don’t have to be scared of me, I don’t bite,” Regina offered Janis a smile, and the brunette glanced up at her, her lips twitched a bit at the corners, almost a smile, not quite, “Much at least,” Regina added and flashed a toothier grin that made her heart catch in her throat. (The fact Regina had that effect on her pissed her off.)

“Only when you’re ripping out a boy's throat, huh?” She joked, and Regina raised her eyebrows and laughed lightly.

“Oh, for sure.” Regina rolled her eyes, and then they landed on Janis, studying her with an intensity with made her squirm, “I can think of few other scenarios though.” 

Janis short-circuited trying to decide what that meant, but couldn’t find a solid response so instead she changed the subject, “I-I’m not scared of you.” Janis cursed the stammer to her voice at that moment.

“Oh, you’re not?” Regina raised her eyebrow and she turned to face her, the blonde’s hand reached out to touch her own, and Janis instantly pulled away on instinct. 

Regina's brows furrowed, “ Why do you do that?” she asked softly, with a genuineness that made Janis's chest feel tight. 

How was she supposed to tell the blonde that there were times she would accidentally brush against a girl in a hallway and get called a weirdo or even shoved? Or how she started changing and the girls' bathroom because she would get called a pervert in the locker rooms? Or how if she zoned out too long, and a girl caught her eye, she’d be accused of ogling?

She swallowed thickly, and looked away, “I don’t know.” She knew that Regina wouldn't buy that excuse, she never really did buy any of her excuses before.

An uncomfortable silence settled, laden with the texture of coarse wool, and both seemed to grasp that some threads, once pulled, could unravel the entire fabric.

But, surprisingly, once again, she showed acceptance, nodding slowly and in doing so releasing the tension that built inside her chest, “Alright,” there was a moment of silence, “I said I’ll make it up to you, I’ll earn your trust back, I swear.”

When Janis didn't respond, Regina sighed and forced a smile, “I’m gonna find Cady, and tell her I made the team, she’s probably being a nerd spending her lunch in the library or something.” She rose from her seat on the bench.

“Probably.” Janis chuckled lightly, “Buh-bye then.”

“See you later, short stack,” Regina smirked, definitely knowing that that would push one of her buttons.

“Excuse me? I’m literally not short!?” Janis yelled after her, offended.

Regina snorted and strode away, yelling back, “And I’m not a platinum blonde.”