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Dearest Caleb,
These past several months have felt like I’ve been living in a nightmare. Ever since that incident, nothing has felt real… Just endless days and nights of being trapped in a foggy haze. The only vivid thing I can remember is the explosion. The deafening roar of the blast as it hurled me backward, the heat of the fire seared through the air and ripped through my skin. And then I saw… the necklace that I gave you, the necklace that you lost, landing right in front of me. Barely within my grasp. As if it were mocking me, insinuating that I almost could’ve saved you… but I didn’t.
So instead, I was punished by reliving that moment. Over. And over. And over. And over and over and over and over and over and over again. To the point of assuming that I would’ve become immune to it. But I couldn’t. Watching my only family die and burn in flames right in front of me… Who could possibly get used to such a thing? No matter how much I screamed and begged and cried in my nightmares, nothing changed. As if my voice held no sound. No meaning. No effect. No impact…
And a lot has happened since. I rationalized to myself that the only reason I was still here, still alive, was to seek vengeance. To find the reason behind the explosion. The reason behind why my loved ones had to be taken away from me so suddenly. And during that process, I met you again. Or at least… I thought I did. Maybe I was so far in my delusion, in my hopes that you were still alive, that I believed someone else, who wasn’t you, came back to me. That you had somehow defied all odds just to be with me again…
Did you know? The day I thought we reunited was the day I confessed. Because I didn’t want to regret it, if you somehow disappeared from me again. And you have no idea how happy I was when you— well… I guess he… it, probably— reciprocated my feelings. How happy I was after our relationship became official…
But it was all a lie.
The thing that came back as you was nothing more than a robot. A robot that had your body. Your memories. Your evol. And your way of understanding me. Everything… but your personality. For weeks, I wanted to refuse, deny, and delude myself, but… I don’t think it’s possible anymore. That robot scares me. It terrifies me. It doesn’t hesitate to drug me with sleeping pills under the guise of giving me cold medicine, or lock me up someplace it deems “safe.” I don’t need its “protection,” when it’s just pure obsession.
…Just a few days ago, that robot offered to give me everything I wanted. My old Caleb back. My beloved Caleb back. The Caleb that I could live with comfortably for the rest of our days. At our home. And I wanted to believe him. So so so badly... But I knew I couldn’t. How could I? When that thing threatened me. Saying how he would put a tracker on me, like the little stray kitten I brought home during our childhood. …Do you remember? The collar we got had a little bell on it, and I thought it was the cutest thing. But the robot claimed that the bell served other purposes. To track it. To make sure it couldn’t leave unless we heard it… Unless it had our “permission,” so to say… But that’s not true, right? My Caleb would never… right?
It hurts… It hurts so much, Caleb… I miss you... I miss you and Grandma so much it feels like I’m suffocating… Why did I have to come in contact with that robot? Was it because I didn’t treat you well enough while you were still here? Was it because I was too selfish..? That I wanted to believe so badly that you came back that I refused to see all the red flags..? Maybe I’m at fault. Maybe… I deserve it— And I know. I shouldn’t be saying such things, and that you’d much rather I blame you instead, but… How could I possibly blame you when you’re already gone? How could I blame you… when I’m the only one left here?
Even now, I reminisce about all my favorite childhood moments with you. How we used to run down the streets together. Getting ice cream. Reading comic books… The list goes on and on and on and… For a moment, I’m happy. Remembering the day we first met, held hands, and became part of each other’s lives… I miss how warm your hands were. I miss how they always patted my head. Cooked me my favorite dishes. Dried my hair. And held me…
I still have your forgiveness coupon… Caleb. The one I gave you when we were little, in case you messed up horribly and had no way of reconciling with me. …The robot gave it back to me… I’m surprised you still had it. I honestly had completely forgotten about it but… it’s just like you to always remember the tiniest details, right?
…Is it really you, Caleb..? Did you really come back to me? Or… am I still living in my delusion?
If it really is you…
I want you to come back.
…I miss you.